Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck or the song Ashes of American Flags. They belong to other, wiser people.

A/N: Alright folks, first off, thank you for all the reviews for chapter 7. I know I say it every time, but I mean it every time. That feedback really means a lot. Okay, now we're getting into the part of the story that I've had in my mind since the beginning. The theme for this chapter is the "5 Stages of Grief" and the song used is the song that the title of this fic was taken from which is "Ashes of American Flags" by Wilco. I don't mind telling you that I worked harder on this chapter than I think I have any chapter of anything ever. I'm really proud of it, so if you don't like it…well, you can still let me know, I won't be too upset, and it will make me a better writer in the end. I look forward to your feedback, and please enjoy Sarah vs. Ashes of an American Flag chapter 8: 5 Stages.



Cast in order of appearance

Sarah Walker---Yvonne Strahovski
Chuck Bartowski-------Zachary Levi
Steve Bartowski-------Scott Bakula
Emily Bartowski-----Darryl Hannah
Carina Hansen----------Mini Anden
John Casey----------Adam Baldwin


Black Rock Base
Barstow, CA
January 20, 2010
Denial

I want a good life
With a nose for things
A fresh wind and bright sky
To enjoy my suffering

One week since she'd become what many would consider to be a prisoner to Fulcrum. She didn't consider herself as such, however. She was clearly Chuck's guest. And she was here on a mission on top of that. No, she was definitely not a prisoner.

She was no longer positive exactly what her mission was, however. She still knew that she needed to gather intelligence on this current regime, and Chuck's involvement, but it had become clear to her that she did not need to take Chuck out. Despite what she'd been told, she knew that her Chuck was still alive and well somewhere deep inside this beast known as Carmichael. It was now up to her to rescue him.

She gave herself another once over in the mirror and certainly she approved of what she saw. Hopefully Chuck would agree. This dinner was the most important dinner she would ever have. It's not everyday that a girl gets to meet the mother of the man she loves. It's certainly not something that happens every day for a girl like her. It wasn't lost on Sarah that she'd never met a boyfriend's parents until Chuck had come along. He'd changed so many things for her. This was more evidence to the blonde that he was indeed every bit the good man she knew him to be. She was too strong to let herself be changed by anything less.

The dinner was exquisite. Of course her Chuck wouldn't allow for anything less. He'd always been so good to her. She often thought that she didn't deserve to have the love of a man like him. She'd tried to tell him as much many times, but he'd have none of it. He loved her flaws and all, and that made her love him all the more. If she could change one thing about this evening so far, however, it would be to make Carina leave the building. Chuck hadn't invited her to the dinner, but that hadn't stopped her from looking in through the door many times over. Someone with less awareness of their surroundings wouldn't have even noticed the intrusion.

Sarah, however, was not privy to such a luxury. Her finely tuned spy skills had made her all too aware of every peek the other woman had taken into this intimate encounter. The deathly glares that Carina had cast at Sarah hadn't escaped the CIA agent either. For now, she would try to block that out of her mind and enjoy the evening. There would be time to deal with Carina later.

The conversation over dinner was light, with nothing really of substance on the table for discussion. Sarah liked Emily. She could see a lot of herself in the woman. Emily, like Sarah had once been all about the job. It wasn't until she fell in love, and started a family that she realized that there were some things that were just bigger than the greater good. It warmed Sarah's heart to hear Steve and Emily recount stories of Chuck's early childhood.

For all too long now, Sarah had longed to have a family like the one that was described to her. She had resigned herself to the fact that it would never happen for her, however. She had come to believe that she would never be able to give Chuck the life he wanted. She would never be able to give him the daughter that was a perfect mix of the two of them. But now that they were back together, that dream had resurfaced, and tonight, it felt closer than ever. Maybe I am meant to have all of those things that I've always wanted but never thought were mine to have.

After dinner was finished, she and Chuck took a walk around the grounds. Being in his company again had been like a breath of fresh air. She hadn't realized just how much she needed this during her time spent away. She'd known that she'd missed him, but she didn't realize just how much she had needed him. The Sarah that was hateful to Bryce during his final days and the Sarah that had killed and seduced dozens of innocents during her time on the run was nowhere to be seen.

That thought gave her pause. If she wasn't the broken, horrible person that she had been for the past nearly nine months when she was with Chuck, maybe she also wasn't seeing the Chuck –or more accurately the Carmichael- that had been during that time. She didn't think that Chuck could or would ever intentionally mislead her, but why else would he revert to the loving carefree man that she'd fallen for the instant she showed up?

Of course, it could be that the reason they had both changed in the presence of one another was that they truly needed each other. Chuck had once made her feel whole for the first time in her life. It wasn't that much of a stretch to believe that he would be doing that again. And now, she was getting an opportunity to return the favor. She was helping to make him whole again. She was helping him to be the man that he was supposed to be. Somewhere along the line –she decided- Sarah and Chuck had ceased to exist independent of one another. They were now one symbiotic organism. Irrelevantly, she began to think of the two of them as Charah in her mind. Without one, the pair could not function.

Then a thought occurred to Sarah. The vision she had conjured in her mind as the definition of their relationship was what people described when they spoke of marriage. In that sense, she and Chuck were husband and wife. It wasn't official in any capacity; there'd never been any kind of ceremony to confirm this commitment. But she was married to the man she loved where it mattered most: in their heart. She didn't know when it had happened, but the two separate souls that resided within their beings had made a pledge to one another and had become bonded for eternity.

For the first time, Sarah understood why she felt the way she did every time that they kissed. She understood why his touch gave her a feeling that no man had ever been capable of giving her. She understood why she'd never had sex with Chuck, only made love. It was all because he was a part of her. He was, in fact, the most important part of her. And anything that vital to any one person couldn't be evil. Of that, she was sure.

All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new


Black Rock Base
February 14, 2010
Anger

I wonder why we listen to poets
When nobody gives a f---
How hot and sorrowful
This machine begs for luck

In love or not, Sarah still had a duty to attend to, and she wouldn't let her country down. And so it was that she had picked up her surveillance of her pseudo-husband and his dealings within the compound that they lived. She'd been given enough leeway to move about the building as she saw fit, and she was surely going to take advantage of that.

The things she saw when she went on this particular surveillance run however shocked and disturbed her to her very core. She had been sure that Chuck couldn't be the man that all of the reports had claimed him to be. She had known in her heart that her Chuck could never be a cold, uncaring killer and destroyer of men. But the well trained eyes of Agent Sarah Walker didn't lie. He was exactly who she'd been told he was.

She watched him stand witness to Carina's torture of an innocent man and do nothing to stop it. In fact, he was largely spurring on the assault. Sarah herself had been forced to play the part of interrogator on many occasions, but this was different. This wasn't an enemy combatant withholding key intel related to a mission objective. This was a man who was unfortunate enough to have sold a cup of coffee to a high ranking official in what had been the Department of National Intelligence.

Chuck was ordering Carina to basically tear this man's skin from his bones to find out how often that official frequented the Starbuck's he worked at. The biggest problem she had with all of this –well apart from the fact that it was so unlike Chuck- is that it was completely unnecessary. With the access they had as the functioning government, they didn't even need to attain information from civilians like this one. It was almost as if Chuck was just carrying out this farce to satisfy some sick need somewhere deep within his twisted mind.

Sarah had thought that she had satisfied all of Chuck's needs by coming back to him. He shouldn't be behaving in this way anymore. They completed one another and made one another better. She had decided that. True, she'd never told Chuck of her decision on that front, but she was sure that he knew as well as she did. So what is it that could make Chuck into this monster she saw before her?

Things should be back to the way that they were over nine months ago. Charah had been reunited. In fact, all of Chuck's family had been reunited. His father was here, Ellie was safe, Sarah had returned to him, and even his estranged was back. All of this combined should have made Chuck more content and happy than he'd ever been; instead, he was still a twisted pit of anger. Then Sarah realized the piece of the puzzle that she'd been missing in this jigsaw that was Chuck's descent into the abyss of sadistically evil behavior in which he'd fallen.

Carina. Until Carina had come along, Chuck wasn't capable of such behavior. She'd used her feminine whiles to turn Sarah's Chuck into this Carmichael monster. In many of the ways that Sarah considered Chuck to be her own, it was now apparent that Carmichael belonged to the auburn haired jezebel that was standing along side him at that moment.

Sarah had even made peace with the fact that the other woman had shared a bed with her man. After all, Sarah herself had been sleeping with Bryce regularly up until his death. And on her flight from Fulcrum she'd taken multiple lovers as a means to gather intelligence and stay one step ahead of the enemy. True, those cases had been for the job, but she felt just a guilty then as she did when she was with Bryce.

And at the end of the day, Sarah knew she couldn't fault Chuck for his tryst with Carina. A man left alone that was approached by such a woman with such expertise in the art of seduction was sure to fall to his carnal instincts. No, Sarah didn't hold Chuck responsible for his infidelity to her, just as she didn't hold him responsible for the acts of war that he'd perpetrated against the sovereignty that Sarah had worked so hard to protect. There was one person that carried the stigma of all of those sins, and Sarah aimed to get redemption for her man and her self from her former friend.

………………………

Carina entered her chamber intent on a long hot shower to wash away the blood that now covered her body. Torture wasn't her favorite method of extracting information; in fact, it was a distant fourth behind seduction (which being her specialty was number one going away), deceit, and theft. It ranked only slightly higher than number five which was asking for it nicely. And if number five ever really worked, torture would fall to the bottom of the list.

At the very least, however, it had been time spent with her boss. Such time had become scarce since Walker had come back into his life. Carina's plan to allow Chuck to make his own decision between the two women seemed to be backfiring. It had seemed like such a no brainer to Fulcrum's second in command. She'd been with him through thick and thin. She'd help rebuild him and make him better than ever, which wouldn't have even been necessary without the abandonment and betrayal that Sarah had carried out against him. But he now seemed to be forgetting her completely. She began to contemplate more direct and drastic measures to ensure that in the end she would be the queen of the kingdom.

Carina's thoughts distracted her enough that she was nearly all the way across her room before sensing someone else's presence. The delay threw her off her ability to spot the threat. The phantom's seeming ubiquity both startled and angered the experienced spy. She wasn't accustomed to anyone getting the drop on her, and she didn't appreciate it happening now. She pulled her firearm from the waistband of her pants and took aim at nothing in particular. Despite her best efforts, she was doing a poor job of hiding her trepidation.

As she moved towards the bathroom, a foot struck out at her, knocking the gun from her hand. The kick was followed by a solid punch against her jaw. Slightly regaining her composure, Carina managed to block the next punch from her attacker, which had been aimed at her nose. The subsequent kick to her sternum and forearm to her throat on the other hand were true to their mark. Struggling to breathe now, Carina desperately lunged at the dark figure only to come up empty. The shadow expertly sidestepped the attempt, using Carina's forward momentum to drive her to the floor. Her head slammed against the unforgiving cold tile of the bathroom floor as her left arm was wrenched behind her back. She felt the weight of the other fighter drive down into her spine. One knee had been placed at the small of her back, the other digging in around her third thoracic vertebrae. The lower part of that leg effectively held her right arm in place demonstrating the immense lower body strength of her opponent even as the left arm continued to be pulled at an awkward angle behind her.

The mystery attacker pulled back hard on Carina's hair, bending her neck backwards. Blood was now running freely from her mouth and had begun to pool on the floor beneath her. She wasn't sure if it was from the fall to the floor, or some internal injury. She was sure however that if this beating continued much longer that it wouldn't matter where the blood was coming from, because she'd be dead. The previously anonymous assailant turned Carina's head so that the fallen woman could stare into her burning cerulean eyes. Sarah Walker seemed to be staring a hole through Carina's beaten and bloodied head.

"What did you do?" Sarah's voice was soft, but very dangerous. Carina however didn't answer the blonde, instead glaring back at the other woman through defiant eyes that didn't betray an ounce of the pain she was in. Sarah pulled back harder on Carina's hair, stretching her neck near its breaking point. "I said what the hell did you do to my husband?"

Husband? They're not married? What is she talking about? This bitch is as crazy as he was at the worst of times. While she'd let her boss's apparent lunacy slide, she hadn't an ounce of that patience in reserve for Sarah Walker. Well, if she's going to kill me, I'll give her a good reason.

"What didn't I do to him?" she struggled to spit out. The blood in her mouth made it hard to speak, but her mind was as sharp as ever. "I've got video of all the things I did to him in fact. I'll e-mail them to you. What's your address?" She had one more quip in the queue, but the sharp pain at she felt cut her off from continuing. Sarah had now brought the angle of her neck to its absolute threshold and her elbow was very close to being dislocated.

"I'll ask you one more time," Sarah's voice was terrifyingly cold and disconnected at this point. She was clearly in termination mode. "What. Did. You. Do. To. Him?"

"I didn't do anything," Carina choked out. "He came to me!" she lied. The lie had the desired affect however, as Sarah's grasp on her temporarily faltered at the shock of the false revelation. It was enough of an opening for Carina to turn over and drive the blonde's back into the door frame. The hold was completely broken, and the Fulcrum agent quickly shot to her feet. Doing her best to stave off the insatiability she felt in an upright position, she delivered a hard kick to Sarah's ribs. Then another. Then in one fluid motion, she retrieved her pistol from the floor and turned back to the other woman, dragging her upwards by her neck. She held Sarah firmly against the wall, a hand wrapped tightly around her throat. The other hand held her gun that was now pressing into the CIA agent's temple.

Realizing that she now held control of the situation, Carina decided to press her advantage before ending this. "Now, it's my turn to talk Blondie." Sarah's eyes seemed to hold no fear despite the ominous tone of Carina's voice. "I wanted to do this the right way. I wanted Chuck to realize that I was the right one. But you just couldn't let me have that moment of victory, could you?" Sarah tried to struggle against the woman holding her, which only prompted the gun to be pressed even harder against her head. "No matter, I suppose. With you out of the way again…and for good this time, there will be nothing standing in our way."

Before Carina could complete her execution of Sarah Walker, however, she heard footsteps behind her. "Carina, what the hell are you doing? Let her go!" Crap, it's Chuck. Carina dropped the blonde who crumpled to the ground. Two guards followed the boss in with guns now trained on Carina. She dropped her weapon and raised her hands in the air. "Put her on lock down until she cools off some," Chuck told the guards.

The large men moved to cuff the Deputy Commander, but before they could secure her, she landed a harsh blow to the man on her right and spun, kicking the feet from under the other guard. She quickly fled the room, and then the Black Rock facility. It would be the last time Chuck would ever see her.

All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new


Black Rock Base
February 28, 2010
Bargaining

A hole without a key
If I break my tongue
Speaking of tomorrow
How will it ever come?

In the two weeks since Carina's disappearance from Fulcrum, two things had become abundantly clear to Sarah. The first was that she had been wrong to blame Carina for all the things that Chuck had done. If she'd been the only one culpable in the situation, then it would have stood to reason that he would have ceased the undesirable behavior as soon as she left. Such was not the case.

If anything, he had actually gotten worse. Now it was Chuck that would carry out many of the acts that be before had assigned his trusted assistant. The part of her that was an intelligence officer would have admired his dedication to the cause if she wasn't so vehemently opposed to his cause. And the part of her that was a woman would have been touched by just how much of himself he had sacrificed in her name if what it had made him didn't horrify her.

The other conclusion that she'd come to during the past two weeks was that she was most certainly experiencing the five stages of grief. She re-evaluated her attitude since she'd been staying at the Fulcrum compound, and the first two stages were clear now. Her denial had lasted about a month, during which time she'd convinced herself that her Chuck couldn't possibly be the monster that he appeared to be. That was followed by anger. Having lived with a short temper for the majority of her life, this stage was harder to find the specifics of, but was certainly punctuated by her assault of Carina. That meant she still had three stages left, and right now, she knew it was the part where she would start bargaining.

Unfortunately, knowing that you're experiencing these stages doesn't make it easy to get past them, or to skip them in general. So it was no surprise to her when she started rationalizing for Chuck. It didn't catch her at all as odd when she started begging him to stay with her longer in the mornings or when she began making more plans for them at night. If he couldn't be the Chuck that she loved unless he was with her, then she would make it a point to keep them together as much as possible.

It also was no surprise to Sarah that today, on February 28th, that she planned to try to come to an agreement with him. She wished that this would have all gone down on a Leap Year so that it would be more appropriate, but for their situation, today would have to suffice. Chuck had agreed to meet her for an early dinner, and Sarah had gone all out to make everything just right for the two of them. Veal parmesan with a side of broccoli rabe was the main course. Sarah had actually worked in a kitchen while on an assignment in Naples once, so her confidence in preparing Italian cuisine was actually quite high. She'd known that if she was going to prepare this meal herself that she needed to stick with something within her comfort zone. Tonight was too important to leave up to chance. After all, this might be her last chance to save Chuck from himself.

When Chuck joined her, it appeared as though her planning had paid off. He certainly seemed to be enjoying what she'd prepared for him, and the light humorous side of Chuck that she fell in love with so long ago had certainly been on full display throughout the evening. And as the night was winding to a close, Sarah knew that it was the time to make her move.

"So, ready for dessert?" she asked, as the staff brought in a covered dish.

"Sarah, babe, I don't know that I can eat another bite of anything." Chuck leaned back and began to pat his stomach to illustrate just how full he was.

"You don't even want to see what I've made? I spent so much time on it," she pouted. And Chuck could never resist her when she pouted like that.

"Are you trying to fatten me up Miss Walker? Is this all a part of some evil plan or yours to make me blow up to a size that no other woman will ever want me?" he teased.

She slapped his hand playfully before responding. "Actually, what I have here is very low in calories and fat. It doesn't even have any carbs." She removed the top of the dish to reveal what appeared to a box for a ring sitting on top of a piece of paper with writing on it. Before Chuck could figure out what was written on the paper, Sarah took it and held it away from him. "This is for me," she informed him as she pulled her chair around to sit directly in front of him.

"Okay, I know I'm only supposed to do this on the 29th, but our situation has always been unique, so we're just going to have to make an exception. And I'm sorry I have to read this, but I'm afraid it's the only way I'll be able to form coherent thoughts as I say what I have to say." She paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"Chuck, I love you. You've known that for a while now. Even in the times that you doubted it, I still loved you. There is nothing that would make me happier than to spend the rest of my life with you and for us to grow old together. With that said-"

"Sarah, please let me do this. It's only right-"

"No, Chuck…not this time. I have some things that I need to say. Please let me finish." For once, Chuck seemed as though he would let Sarah drive the conversation.

"Chuck, as much as I want to spend my life with you, and have a family with you, and live out our dream life together, I can only do so under certain conditions."

Chuck's look of joy from earlier had completely dissipated. He knew exactly where she was going with this, and it wasn't a place he was comfortable with. "Sarah, I'm not helping you bring down the President. I'm sorry. I love you, but I just can't do that." Sarah contemplated how this could still work out. She thought she had a pretty good idea.

"Fine, I understand Chuck. You don't have to do anything to help. All I need you to do is take up a position of non-involvement. I need you to completely remove yourself from all of this. This life is too dangerous Chuck. I can't live a long happy life with you if you're killed at a young age. Please just walk away Chuck. Do it for me. For us." Chuck furrowed his brow as he considered her proposal. What she'd said made a lot of sense. It wouldn't be that easy for him to just turn his back on this life however.

"Sarah, my love, this is something that I need to think on. Please don't take this to mean that I don't love you more than anything in the world, but I don't take this decision lightly. I hope you understand." Sarah nodded at the man that she thought she knew, trying her best to hide the tears her eyes begged to release.

This was it. He'd made his decision, even if he wouldn't tell her just yet. She knew that he truly did love her, but he wasn't willing to give up the job for her. After what she'd done to him ten months ago, it was hard for her to blame him for that. It didn't make it any easier to take, however. Now I guess it's time for the depression.

All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new


Black Rock Base
March 15, 2010

Depression

I'm down on my hands and knees
Every time the doorbell rings
I shake like a toothache
When I hear myself sing

It had now been more than three months since she'd been brought to this hell hole. It had been more than two weeks since she'd tried to get Chuck to marry her and leave this life behind. It had been more than five days since she'd actually spoken to Chuck, as he was in Washington meeting with the President. All of those time stamps seemed very irrelevant however to the one that was weighing the most on her mind.

Forty-eight days. That was how late she was. If that hadn't been enough a cause for alarm, she had now clearly started to experience morning sickness and swelling and tenderness in her breasts. She'd known depression was coming, but she had not counted on it being accentuated by something like this. Ever since she'd met Chuck, she'd harbored a dream of a normal life with a nice house, and a happy marriage, and yes, children. But she'd never wanted it to happen like this.

She was at a terrible place now. She couldn't go see one of the doctor's in the compound about this because then Chuck would be informed of what was almost assuredly a pregnancy. She wasn't aloud to leave the base, and so an off site doctor was certainly out of the question.

She wasn't even sure if she wanted to keep this baby or terminate the pregnancy. Despite her actions in the field, and the many lives she'd had to take, Sarah had never believed that she would actually consider an abortion. In so many ways, however, bringing a baby into this world with this circumstance was the wrong thing to do.

The problem was that she didn't know what the right thing to do was. She'd sleep on it for now. Chuck wouldn't be home for another week, so she knew she had time to make a plan, no matter what she decided to do.

All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new


Black Rock Base
March 20, 2010
Acceptance

A hole without a key
If I break my tongue
Speaking of tomorrow
How will it ever come?

Acceptance came much quicker than any of the other stages of grief. Sarah had come to accept a great many things. She'd accepted that as much as she loved Chuck, she couldn't be with him now. Maybe someday they could be the family that she'd always dreamed of, but for now, it was not to be.

She'd accepted that although she detested everything that Chuck had come to stand for, that she would never change the way that she felt about him. In such, this baby had been conceived in love. She could never destroy something that was wrought of the beautiful connection between her and Chuck. So she'd accepted that she would be keeping this child.

Finally, she'd accepted that since she couldn't be with Chuck despite her love for him, and that she couldn't do anything to harm him, and since she was keeping his child, that she was left with no other choice but escape. Going to her personal belongings, she found the phone that she'd had hidden since she'd arrived back in January. This was where she'd stored all of the important contacts that she might need while undercover against Fulcrum. There was really only one that she was interested in, however.

"Casey secure."

"Casey, it's Sarah. I need help. I can get out, but are you still at the location you told me about."

"Yeah, Walker, I'm still here. What's the matter? Are you alright?" Casey was both relieved to hear from his old partner and terrified of what trouble she might be in. She was clearly worried about something.

"Casey…I can't talk about it now. I'll see you in a couple of days, alright?"

"Alright, take care of yourself Sarah." He said a silent prayer that she would be alright and would make it to him safely. Whatever had happened to her clearly had her rattled. Well, best let Carina know that we'll be having company.

Sarah sat down at the desk in the room that she shared with Chuck. She pulled out a piece of stationary and wrote down a quick note. Hopefully the note would serve its purpose.

Chuck,
I'm sorry I have to leave,
but I can't be with you right now.
One day, when you remember
who you are, I'll be waiting.
That will be our time.

Love Always,
Your Sarah

She heaved a deep sigh of relief. Having made up her mind, she was able to breathe easy for the first time in weeks. She took one final look around the room before bringing a hand to rest on her still taut (for the moment) belly. She was reminded of something she'd said to the father of the child that was inside of her only three hundred forty-one days ago. "Baby," she addressed her unborn offspring. "We have to run."

I would like to salute
The ashes of American flags
And all the fallen leaves
Filling up shopping bags


A/N: Thank you so much for reading. I hope you're still enjoying the story, as it is getting to the part that is really, really fun for me to write. When I started this fic, I had an overall arc drawn out that includes two sequels, but this chapter was the beginning of what I really had in mind for this installment. I hope you liked it, and I look forward to your feedback. You guys are awesome. Peace.