"Captain James T. Kirk, captain of the U.S.S. starship Enterprise, I, . . . First Officer Spock of the same ship, . . . request the Vulcan ritual . . . of severance be preformed. . . between us so that I am able to . . . comply with your last orders to me and that . . . I do stay the hell out . . . of your private life."

For a moment Kirk closed his eyes as it was Spock's voice as he had first met him. Cold. Distant. Precise. It was Spock as he had ordered him to be. An officer and nothing more. He also heard how talking was taxing him but that there was almost an urgency in his voice. When he opened his eyes he saw Scotty looking at him and saw the concern in the eyes that locked on his.

"Scotty?"

"Aye, I'm here, lad. So is the Captain."

"I did speak aloud, did I not?"

"Aye."

"Why has he not responded?"

Scotty was still looking at Kirk and then looked down at Spock even though he knew the Vulcan had his eyes closed. "He's in a mite of trouble on deciding if he is Jim or the Captain."

"Need Jim gone. Need severance from the Captain. Need Jim forever gone."

Gone forever. Kirk closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. He had hurt his friend too much, too deeply, with the last words he had said to him, said to him in front of the others. He took a deep breath, opened his eyes, and looked back down at Spock, "This is Captain Kirk, what to you mean by you want Jim gone forever and why do you need severance from me, Spock?"

"Sir, only with Jim gone and . . . a severance from you can I . . . be a proficient First Officer. I would be a First Officer who . . . did not cross into personal areas, . . . nor make comments not. . . related to the ship, and would adhere strictly to. . . the duties accorded to that position with . . . no off-duty fraternization . . . with other members of whatever crew I become a. . . new member of for I will . . . transfer off the Enterprise."

Talking was clearly tiring Spock as he was silent for a few minutes and Scotty shook his head when Kirk went to speak as the Chief Engineer had felt how his Vulcan friend had gripped his hand, had heard, as he was sure Kirk had, the strained breathing. "Ye just rest a minute, lad. We're all right here. Here now," he placed a straw between Spock's lips, "just a sip of two may help ye."

"Thank you, Scotty. Must finish . . . explaining to Captain Kirk." Kirk felt another pain as it was Captain Kirk, no long the Captain.

"It is most logical, Captain Kirk, as . . . with Jim gone and the severance from you . . . I will be better able to serve as . . . an officer for I will no longer have references . . . of anything but a working relationship with no emotional involvement. . . . It would also be advantageous . . . to you, Sir, as you would have . . . no recollection of me other than as a former crew member.. . Will you grant the severance or not?"

Kirk looked from Spock to Scotty and then to McCoy. Spock had used what he had said, had used his words. He had used the words that had hurt him to justify why he wanted the severance. A part of Kirk felt ashamed when he realized that Spock was also asking this for him and not just of him. Spock had thought things would be easier for him to not remember him as, as what? No friend would verbally attack another the way he had.

"This is most unusual," the healer all but whispered, "It has not been recorded that any have had this reaction. To maintain logical thought this long and communicate. It could be his dual genetics,"

"Or it could be a part of him is fighting to free you, Jim."

Fury flared in Kirk and he turned to stare at McCoy, "Just what the hell do you mean by that?"

"I mean Spock knows that he will be going back to a special facility on Vulcan no matter what happens here as those psychedelic and psychotropic drugs he inhaled for so long will have caused some sort damage to his mind. The readings both the healer and I have taken over this time have shown several anomalies. The healer knows it, I know it, and even a part of Spock knows it. He also knows the only way you will be able to go on, to function normally, will be to have all events to do with him, like what happened on the bridge, removed from you mind along with all memories of him other than as an officer on this ship."

"No!" Kirk shook his head as he looked at the healer who just nodded back at him, "No! Not Vulcan. He would be, he would be,"

"No matter where I go, Captain Kirk, I . . . will always be a half-breed. . . I am awaiting your decision."

Kirk wanted to lash out in anger, at him using that ugly term he himself had used in anger. "Okay." Kirk heard McCoy's shocked inhaled breath, "Okay, Spock, I will give you my decision but first you have to mind meld with me so you can see the truth about what happened, so you can,"

"There, there is no need, Captain Kirk, I . . . was there when you told me what . . . your thoughts were . . . are about me . . . I know what happened. . . Healer T'Tonan is skilled at performing a severance. . . . Severance is only answer for . . . both of us, Sir."

Damn him! Kirk swore to himself. His best friend was in a version of hell he could not imagine, a hell he had put him in, and yet his friend was still concerned about him.

"There is a need, Spock. You need to see the truth. I need to know that this severance is what you really want. I have never known you to make a final decision without knowing all the details, or at least all the available details. How can you make this decision without all the available details, without what you will find as the truth in my mind? If, after the meld and some time to think about what you find, you still want the severance I," Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head, "I will agree with it if Healer T'Tonan agrees it is what is best for you."

For a moment Spock was quiet then said, "Captain James T. Kirk, I agree. I need . . . assistance in placing my hands," relief mixed with worry filled Kirk as he moved to lean over the bed and place his hands in the familiar places while the healer took Spock's hands and placed the fingers of both hands in the correct positions. Dimly Kirk was aware of the familiar voice and knew it was both in his mind as well as outside him. "Our minds are melding, James Kirk. My thoughts to your thoughts . . . and your thoughts to my thoughts about . . . the agreed situation. Your memories . . . to my memories and my . . . memories to your memories . . . of the agreed situation."

Kirk was aware of the slow, almost fearfully hesitant, feeling he knew was the start of the meld, the slow merging of their minds, of their thoughts and memories getting ready to be gradually revealed to the other. He found himself wondering if the hesitancy of Spock's mind was the drugs or uncertainty or even fear of more rejection. He wondered if Spock was going to permit a full meld like those they had shared before or if what he had done had made his Vulcan friend wary of him. He heard the "of the agreed situation" and hoped it would be enough to show his friend how wretched he had felt since seeing and hearing what he had done to him.


A/N - Hope those who celebrate Hanukkah had a good one and that those who celebrate Christmas have a good one. I will be back, hopefully, just before the new year. Thanks for reading - enjoy. HAVE FUN!