(Author's note: although this chapter remains rated T, the rest of the story will fall firmly into M territory. So if you're expecting to get through this epic with no sex, you'd better stop reading now before you get lured over to the dark side. Everybody else, continue! And to everybody who wrote me happy PMs saying "Noah told someone!" I regret to say you were misinformed. -amy)


Spring 2010, continued

Noah didn't pick up when he called him, but Kurt didn't really expect him to. Leave a message, said Noah's voice, before the beep.

"Finn told me what you did," Kurt said, as he loaded his costume into the back of the Navigator. "I don't know if it was for me, or for you, or both, but I owe you. And we should probably talk about... what happened last night. Just call me."

Kurt could have kicked himself as soon as he said it, because if Noah wanted to talk about what had happened, he would have called already, or been waiting next to his car, or -

"Jesus," he yelped, as he opened the door and found Noah in the passenger seat. "How did you get in here?"

"Me and a bent wire hanger, man, we're like this," Noah said, holding up two crossed fingers, grinning. "Worth it, for that look on your face."

"I thought you were avoiding me," Kurt said, sighing in relief. "When you didn't call back last night, I thought -"

"I know. I should have stopped and called, but things with Finn didn't wind down until after midnight. I figured by then you'd be asleep."

He touched Noah's arm. "You could have told me what you were going to do."

"Are you serious?" Noah's eyebrows went up. "I didn't even know I what I was going to do. I just thought I was going over there to talk some sense into him. But he was so sure you were trying to get into his pants." He shouldered his bag. "It was the only way I could think to get him to listen."

"And Carole?"

He shrugged. "She was there. And she knew which box had her sewing machine. No big."

Kurt watched him climbing out of the car with unease. "Noah, this was a big deal. Finn knew it was, too."

Noah shook his head, looking irritated. "Don't get carried away, okay? I knew you were going to end up being all weird about it." He stepped out of the Navigator, his face impassive. "I'll call you later."

Kurt felt like he was missing something important. He wasn't exactly sure what had transpired between last night and now to cause Noah to want put so much distance between them, but it was clear that pushing him to talk more wasn't helping. And no matter how much Noah appeared to want him to, Kurt wasn't going to drop it.

The first thing he did was to call Carole. She sounded pleased to hear from him.

"Finn really wore that dress, hmmm?" she said, chuckling. "I couldn't quite believe it was for a Glee assignment, but Noah was adamant he had to make it."

"It was an expression of our individuality," Kurt said. "But - Noah. Did he really tell you what I think he told you?"

She sounded soothing. "Kurt, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Noah's an attractive boy. It's only reasonable you would have a crush on him."

He frowned. "Is that what he called it? A crush? And what about his part?"

"What do you mean?"

Kurt sighed. "I thought... never mind. Thank you for helping with Finn's costume."

When Burt got home, Kurt was sitting at the dining room table, his head in his hands.

"Hey," said Burt, moving to sit beside him, touching his shoulder. "What's going on? Finn came to the garage and apologized. We had a long talk. He said the two of you were cool."

Kurt didn't raise his head. "We are. This isn't about Finn."

Burt waited, watching Kurt with troubled eyes. "You gonna tell me what it is, then?"

"I... I don't know what to do. About Noah." He rubbed his forehead, feeling overwhelmingly weary. "I haven't really told you anything about that. I guess I haven't known what to say."

"It's complicated, huh?" Burt looked sympathetic. "Noah's got a lot going on in his life. His kid's going to be born soon, right?"

Kurt thought about the song Noah had sung in Glee that week, and he smiled. "Yeah... she's due in a few weeks, probably not until school's done." His smile slid away. "Then he'll be gone for the summer again."

"You'll see him in the fall."

"But if we don't have Glee club anymore, how likely is it that we'll even talk to each other at school anymore? He might as well go back to throwing me into dumpsters." He closed his eyes. "We've tried being friends... but most of the time, if he's not teasing me or pushing me around, he's ignoring me." Or sleeping in my bed with me, he thought, but he didn't say that part aloud.

Burt grinned. "Well, you know, when I was in school, when the boys teased a girl, it was because they liked her. They just didn't have the maturity to do anything else about it."

Kurt met his dad's eyes. "I know Noah likes me. He knows it too. We talked about it last night. I think he said... he's in love with me."

Burt sat back slowly. "Oh. Uh, that's... more than I expected from him."

"Tell me about it," Kurt agreed. "But then he didn't call me, and yesterday he blew me off. Like it was nothing." He shook his head. "If he can't be honest about himself - if he can't be out - we can't be together. He told me he doesn't want me to settle. I thought, maybe, he was changing. That he was ready for that."

"He might be, Kurt, but it's not gonna happen all at once. You've got to be patient."

"I have been patient!" Kurt snapped. "He told Finn and Carole I'm in love with him, but he apparently didn't mention his own feelings. I just... I don't know if I can deal with this. Being at school with him is almost impossible. The feelings are - intense. And very distracting."

Burt nodded. He wasn't smiling anymore. "I know that's not the only thing that's going on. Finn mentioned there were guys at school who are bothering you. He said he's going to look out for you."

"Noah is, too. The whole Glee club stood up for me. I think I can handle Karofsky, but..." He shook his head miserably. "I don't know if I can handle not being able to have Noah."

"I'm really sorry, Kurt," said his dad. "Love isn't always easy, even without having to deal with any of this other stuff. I wish I could protect you from it." He tilted his head. "Do you want me to tell Noah he can't come over anymore?"

Kurt thought about it. "Maybe that would be better," he said at last. "It's not what I want, but..."

Burt stood, laying a hand on Kurt's shoulder again. "You let me know when you decide, okay? I'm on your side, no matter what."

Kurt nodded. "That means a lot, dad."

"In the meantime... Finn and Carole are coming back to the house tonight. You up for dinner out, the four of us? A little housewarming celebration?"

He smiled automatically. "Sure. That sounds good."

He picked up his phone and dialed as he went downstairs to change. Noah answered right away.

"Finn will be here tonight," Kurt told him. "And my dad said you shouldn't come over anymore."

"Fuck." Noah sounded resigned. "I guess he was pretty mad about what happened?"

"Something like that. Do you still want me to call and read to you?"

"Why not? Finn knows what's going on."

"Sure," he said flatly. "You told him how I feel about you. How about how you feel? Because apparently you left out that part when you talked to him and Carole."

"You - wait a second. You thought I told Finn about me? What the fuck gave you that idea?" Noah snorted. "Yeah, like that's going to happen."

Kurt felt a surge of anger. "No. I definitely get that now. How silly of me to think that anything would ever be different. Because Noah Puckerman would never consider doing anything that wasn't to benefit his own selfish interests."

"Fuck you!" Noah snapped. "Don't put this on me. I never said it was going to be different. You're still expecting me to change? That I'm going to wake up one day and everything that's wrong about me's going to be fixed? I told you not to wait around for that."

Kurt found himself rising to his feet, driven by his anguish. "You're really telling me that nothing was different last night? That you didn't want anything more, sleeping in this bed with me? I can't believe that."

"Believe whatever you want. I'm not here to prove anything to you." Noah's voice was stony. "You're so fucking naive. You think all you have to do is have faith in me and I'm going to be somehow better? No matter what you think you're seeing, Kurt, underneath I'm still an asshole. Believe that."

"I don't." Kurt dashed the tears from his eyes. "You'll never be able to convince me of that. I see you, Noah. I think I'm the only one, ever, who gets to see all of you. You weren't hiding from me last night. And you know what? You didn't push me to do anything. You were just here, taking care of me, giving me exactly what I needed. Because that's what you really wanted to do."

"Yeah!" Noah shouted. "Yeah, that's what I wanted. God dammit, Kurt, that's what I want all the time. And it doesn't make a fucking bit of difference."

Nothing's changed, Kurt thought, sinking back down onto the bed. He's absolutely right. Nothing's going to change.

"All right." He leaned against the pile of pillows, feeling hollow. "I hear what you're saying now. I'm sorry I doubted your words."

"Yeah." Noah sighed. "So, that's it, huh?"

"I guess so. I mean, you're telling me I'm wasting my time waiting for something you can't give me. I don't really see how this is good for either of us, pretending that friendship is enough, going back and forth between yelling and - wanting something we can't have."

"What else is there, Kurt?" he asked softly. "What other choice is there to make?"

"I don't know," he whispered.

Noah was silent for a moment. "I guess I'll see you at school, then."

Kurt couldn't find any tears to cry once he hung up the phone. Eventually he took his empty feeling with him up the stairs to greet Finn and Carole. He went to dinner and made conversation and did all the things he could do to get along, but the empty feeling didn't go away. Having Finn in his basement room while he moisturized and got in bed didn't help, either.

"I'm sorry we have to share a room, Finn," he said, as he turned off the light.

"Hey, it's okay." Finn moved the throw pillows to a pile on the floor before climbing into his own bed. "I don't need to be so selfish. This is about my mom, and I want her to be happy. You're a good guy, Kurt. I can deal."

I wish I could, thought Kurt.


All through preparation for regionals, and the miserable anticipation of the end of the year, Noah and Kurt ignored one another. Kurt managed to stay focused on school enough not to completely screw up his grades. He made an effort to be as involved as he could be with his family, as Carole sold her house and moved into theirs, but the empty feeling persisted. What's the point? he asked himself, more than once a day.

And then Quinn went into labor in the middle of regionals. Watching Noah witness his own daughter being born was its own exquisite kind of agony, because not only was Kurt not able to support Noah in any way, but until recently, Kurt had been the only one who'd seen emotions like that from Noah. Selfish, he reminded himself. But that didn't stop him wanting to have Noah look at him the way he was looking at his daughter through the glass wall of the hospital nursery.

He got through his finals, barely. When Tina asked him if he was planning to do the summer musical with Mrs. Wright at the Encore, he considered saying no, but he had no idea how he would keep himself occupied all summer without it.

"It's Into the Woods," she said hopefully.

"Terrific," he muttered, then sighed. "I guess Jack's a good tenor part."

Then, on the last week of school, Noah stopped him in the hallway. They'd barely spoken in over a week, and being that close to him, feeling his touch on his arm, was somewhat disturbing.

"What do you want?" Kurt said.

"We're planning this song for Mr. Schue," said Noah. "In the auditorium, after school tomorrow. You wanna help out?"

Kurt stared at him. "What makes you think I would be interested in working with you?"

He looked uncomfortable. "Well... I guess I thought this might be the last chance we had to sing together, if Glee's getting cancelled. But if you don't care -"

"You know it's not that I don't care," Kurt whispered. He eyed the other students in the hallway as they walked by, feeling exposed. "I care too much."

"This can just be for Mr. Schue, right?" Noah frowned. "It doesn't have to be about us."

"Didn't you just say -" Kurt cut himself off with an exasperated sigh. "Fine. I'm not going to argue with you about this. What do you need me to do?"

"Stay after school. We'll just go through the song a couple times and figure out who's singing which parts. Talk to Tina and Mercedes, okay?"

Kurt didn't really want to spend the rest of the day feeling angry at Noah, but he couldn't let go of his annoyance. There was no way Mercedes wasn't going to pick up on it, even if she didn't know what it was about.

"You don't have to do this, Kurt," she said gently. "We can handle the rehearsal. You can just come tomorrow when we sing for Mr. Schue."

"I'm sorry," he said, rubbing his forehead, but she shook her head.

"You don't have to explain. Losing Glee, it's hard on all of us. I'll call you later and let you know what you have to sing, okay?"

Kurt drove home, feeling guilty for bailing, but his relief at not having to deal with Noah trumped his guilt. And then Noah surprised him by calling him later anyway.

"I knew you were selfish, but I didn't think you were a coward," Noah said angrily. "Way to skip out on Mr. Schue's going-away present."

"Hey, I'll be there tomorrow," Kurt said. "What do you care, anyway?"

"I care too much, too. You know that." Noah made a frustrated noise. "You're really going to give up on you and me? You're saying if I can't give you everything, you're going to deny us anything?"

"We had this conversation already, Noah. I can't deal with being your friend. I'm feeling too much." Kurt glared ineffectively at the scarves adorning the wall of his room. "You're not the only one who can be an asshole, you know."

Noah snorted a laugh. "Yeah, I know. I kind of admire that about you." He paused, then added, "I miss you."

Kurt closed his eyes. "Don't do this. Don't make me care about you again. It's going to be hard enough getting through this summer as it is."

"So why is it better to ignore me, if you're just going to be miserable anyway?"

In that moment, Kurt didn't have the energy to argue with him about it. "I don't know. I just know I can't deal with being around you when you're feeling things if I don't get to be part of it."

"You want me to tell you how I'm feeling?"

"No." He sighed. "Yes. I don't know."

"I'm freaking out. About Beth."

"Oh, Noah," Kurt whispered, but Noah kept talking in his matter-of-fact voice. His tone didn't give too much away, but the words spoke volumes.

"I know I can't do anything about it. She's got a mom now, and that's enough, I guess. I tell myself it would have been better for me not to have a dad, or for my dad not to have stuck around to deal with me, but... really, it just sucks that there's a piece of me walking around out there and there's nothing I can do to give her what she needs."

Kurt struggled to stay calm, listening to Noah talk, but it wasn't easy when all he wanted to do was put his arms around him and hold him close. "There's nothing saying you couldn't still be part of her life, someday."

"I know." He sounded resigned. "It's not any different than it is with you, Kurt. I know I'm not ready to be a dad, any more than I'm ready to be - to give you what you need. Doesn't stop me from wanting it."

Kurt considered the last week of his life, being without Noah. He thought about what three months without him would feel like, and the empty feeling inside threatened to consume him. He screwed his face up, refusing to let it take over.

"I miss you, too," he said, when he regained control. "And I don't want you to be alone all summer."

"So you're going to call me?" Noah said hopefully. "We're going to read, like last summer?"

"We've got books." Kurt looked at the next three books in the Ender series, stacked on the corner of his desk. "We can read."

"That would help a lot. The being alone thing, I mean."

"I know." Kurt choked out a quick goodbye, and buried his face in his pillows, not bothering to hold back the sobs any longer. He clutched his own arms, holding himself tight, but all he could feel was Noah's skin under his hands, Noah's warm body. The words weren't ever going to be enough.


Kurt managed to get through the song for Mr. Schue, but when they all walked in and sat down together on the last day of Glee club, silent and sober, he found himself on the edge of tears again. I'm losing everything, he thought, gazing around the room at the twelve other people. Everything that meant anything to me.

Noah, on the other hand, looked calm and collected. Kurt didn't understand why until after Mr. Schue smiled brilliantly and said, "We've got another year."

In the tumult of excitement and relief that followed, Kurt realized Noah was still sitting there with his arms crossed, smirking. Kurt caught him in the hallway afterwards.

"You knew," he said.

"Yeah," Noah admitted. "Mr. Schue told me last night when he called to work on Over the Rainbow."

Kurt glared at him, but he knew it lacked force. "Next time something like that happens, call me, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because that's what friends do," he said, with emphasis. Noah looked at his shoes, his smirk becoming softer.

"Friends?"

"Unless you have a better word for what we are."

He looked into Kurt's eyes for one brief moment. Kurt wasn't prepared to see that expression from Noah, at school of all places. He took a step back.

"Call me," Noah said, before walking away.


Kurt didn't call him for another week, and by then it was just a few days until Noah was scheduled to leave for New York. Noah didn't pick up; instead, he got Sarah.

"Hi, Kurt," she said. "Noah's watching Henry the Fifth again."

"The one with Kenneth Branagh?" Kurt couldn't help but smile.

"Noah!" she shouted. "Kurt wants to talk to you."

There was a substantial pause before Noah picked up. "Sorry," he said thickly.

"Sarah said you were in the middle of a movie."

"Yeah, well, it's not like I haven't seen it a zillion times already. Still gets me every time." He heard Noah blow his nose. "I'm not sure what I'll do if I don't get the part of Henry."

"Is that what you guys are doing this year at camp? You know you'll get it."

"I don't know. Chris fought me pretty hard for Cyrano last year, and who knows what other kids might show up. There's a lot of competition. The other play is Glengarry Glen Ross by David Mamet, which is fine, but... it's not Henry V."

He sounded so discouraged, Kurt spoke before he thought. "How about I come over and watch the rest of the movie with you?"

"Uh..." Noah coughed uneasily. "It's pretty messy over here right now."

"Well... my dad and Carole are at work, and Finn's over at Rachel's. You could probably come over for a little while, if you could find someone to watch Sarah."

"Yeah? She could go play at the neighbor's house. I don't want to get you in trouble with your dad. I know he said -"

"It's okay," Kurt interrupted. He already felt bad about lying to Noah about his dad's "decision" not to let Noah come over anymore. "I should be alone here for a while. I'll make us some lunch."

"Thanks, Kurt. I'll be there in a few."

Kurt made sandwiches, then paced the family room restlessly until Noah arrived. He ran to meet him at the door when he pulled up.

Noah's smile made Kurt quiver inside. Get it together, he told himself, but as soon as Noah hugged him, he could tell it was going to be useless to attempt self-control.

"Missed you," Noah whispered into his hair.

"Yeah," Kurt whispered back. "Me, too." He allowed himself a moment to hold Noah close against his chest before putting a few inches distance between them. "Go on into the family room and set up the DVD. I'll bring lunch out."

Noah seemed more nervous than usual, shifting his legs beside Kurt on the couch. He touched Kurt's knee as the opening music began. "Thanks. For inviting me over. It would have sucked not to have a chance to say goodbye before I left."

Kurt nodded, feeling dumbstruck by that simple touch. When Noah moved a little closer to him, he considered getting up and moving to the chair, but instead he took a deep breath and closed the distance between them, tucking himself under Noah's arm and resting against his shoulder. He heard Noah catch his breath.

"It doesn't have to be complicated," Kurt said, before he could speak. "Not right now. Not when it's just the two of us."

Noah tightened his arm around Kurt. "You don't think so, huh?"

"No," he replied firmly. "We're watching this movie."

For a while, Kurt attention was split between the screen and the pressure of their thighs, brushing against one another. The movie was good, no question, but Noah was more compelling still, pausing to describe scenes to Kurt and mention key points as the fluid language of Shakespeare flowed past. Henry, the Dauphin, Falstaff, Mountjoy, the Duke of Exeter, all were brought to life on the screen, as much by Noah's enthusiasm as the actors themselves. Kurt found himself engaged despite himself.

He watched Noah's mouth moving in tandem with Branagh's as he recited the St. Crispin's Day speech, his eyes glittering with unshed tears.

www. youtube watch?v=A-yZNMWFqvM

... This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered -
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

Kurt reached up and brushed his fingers against Noah's cheek. Noah jerked his eyes away from the screen. He smiled sheepishly, his cheeks flushing pink as he wet his lips.

"You don't think I'm an idiot," Noah asked, "because I like this stuff?"

"No," promised Kurt. "Not at all. I see why you love it. You make me love it, too. That's what good actors do, right?"

His smile and his blush deepened. "You think I'm good?"

"Now you're really fishing for compliments." Kurt couldn't help look at Noah's moist lips, inches away from his own, but he wasn't about to make any move toward them. Noah seemed oblivious to their closeness.

"I might have a shot at making it big someday, maybe," he said. "There's nothing I'd rather do than that." He pointed at the screen. "So it's either that... or nothing."

"Worth it," Kurt agreed. "Even if it's a long shot."

He and Noah cried together as they watched the soldiers fight and die in the battle of Agincourt, against the line of French mounted knights. When the credits rolled, Kurt turned to Noah and hugged him fiercely.

"I think you'll be perfect for that part," he said. "And I want you to call me and tell me as soon as you get it."

Noah hugged Kurt back, smiling. Then he picked up the tray of empty dishes. "You totally spoil me. Making lunch, and watching this with me - it was the best way to spend my last day here."

Kurt followed him into the kitchen. "I'm surprised there's nobody else you'd rather be spending the day with."

Noah set the tray on the counter, turning back to look into Kurt's eyes. He shook his head. "No," he said. "Kurt... there's nobody. Nobody else."

Kurt let his gaze slide to the floor. "You'll be in New York by tomorrow, with Chris."

"No," Noah said again. He reached out and took Kurt's jaw in his fingers, raising it to face him. "Nobody else."

He nodded, swallowing on a dry throat. "Okay," he said. "I got it."

Again, he waited, feeling the tingle on his skin where Noah's fingers touched his face. Surely he would, now...? But again, the moment passed, and Noah moved away, picking up his DVD and heading for the door.

"I'll text when I get there," he said. "You let me know how your audition goes, okay?"

"Noah," Kurt protested. Noah held up a hand, looking resigned.

"Don't," he said, shaking his head. "You told me a long time ago what you want. This isn't it. Don't try to get me to believe it is."

"I want -" said Kurt, then stopped, gritting his teeth in frustration.

"Yeah, well, you might, but it's still not what you deserve." Noah stepped out onto the porch and glanced back at Kurt through the screen door. "Have a good summer."

Kurt pressed his hands against the screen, watching Noah walk down the steps with a growing sense of urgency. He opened his mouth to say, wait, stop, please, don't do this. Don't leave.

"I love you," he said.

Noah halted so quickly, he almost stumbled over his feet. Then he turned back to face Kurt. His expression was filled with regret and desire.

"Kurt," he said reproachfully.

"I'm sorry," Kurt said, jerking away from the screen, and swiftly closed the door before he could blurt anything else. He leaned his back against the door and shut his eyes, feeling his heart racing in his chest, trying desperately to catch his breath.

Three months, he thought, trying not to panic. Three months apart gives you enough time to stop this.

He turned, parting the curtain on the window far enough to watch Noah climbing back into his truck. Then his phone registered receiving a text. He pulled it out of his pocket.

I love you, too.

Kurt groaned, leaning his head forward to rest against the window. "What the hell am I doing?" he cried into the empty house. Only silence answered back.


Kurt stayed in bed as late as he could the next day, not wanting to get up and face being alone. He knew he could go to the garage, or call Mercedes or Tina, or do any one of a number of chores his dad would probably bring up if he said anything about being bored, but none of those would take his mind off of Noah.

He texted Noah at lunch, figuring if he drove all day, he'd be arriving in New York just after dinner. How's the traffic?

Crappy, Noah replied, making Kurt grin. The words were innocuous enough, but Carole saw the grin, and asked about it.

"Noah's driving to camp today," he said. He took a seat at the dining room table, resting his head on his hand. "Last summer I called him every night and read to him over the phone. He asked me yesterday if I would do the same thing again."

She nodded, sitting down beside him. "What did you say?"

"Yes?" He shrugged. "I don't know, Carole. I've tried ignoring him, and fighting with him, and being his friend... and none of those are satisfactory."

"It's hard when somebody you care about doesn't want the same thing you want."

He looked at her, biting his lip. "Can you - keep a secret?"

She considered him. "Is it yours to tell?"

"If you were anybody but my parent, I'd say no. But... I think I might need you to know this, even if it's breaking a confidence, because I already told my dad."

"In that case, you'd better tell me," she said. "Your father's rotten at keeping secrets."

Kurt didn't laugh. "Noah told you how I feel about him, but... he didn't tell you how... he feels about me."

"How he -" She stopped, watching him. "Kurt... are you sure you know how he feels about you?"

He took out his phone and pulled up Noah's text from yesterday, I love you too, and slid it across the table at her. She gazed down at it and sighed.

"I've known Noah a long time," she said. "He and Finn have been friends since they were kids. I can't say I'm all that surprised." She passed the phone back and touched his hand. "But, Kurt, I also can't say he's likely to make that public any time soon."

"Yeah," he agreed. "I think I've come to terms with that. But he also told me someday he'd be sure enough about himself to be able to give me what I need. And that he didn't want me to wait around for him, but... he asked, if I was still single when he was ready, if I would let him try to be everything I needed."

Her eyes were wide. "When did he ask you this?"

Kurt smiled weakly. "The very beginning of sophomore year."

They both sat for a moment in silence. Eventually she steepled her fingers in front of her mouth and let out a slow breath. "Kurt... I'm happy to listen any time you have a problem, no matter what it is. And I can give you advice if you're looking for it. But I'm not your mom, and I don't want to overstep my bounds here." She glanced at his phone. "To be honest, I have a hard time seeing Noah as anything other than the eight-year-old boy who accidentally broke Finn's wrist playing soccer."

The image made Kurt laugh. "I don't have to talk to you about this, Carole. I just wanted you to know what my dad knows."

But she shook her head. "No - it's okay. I'm simply admitting to my blind spots in advance. I have a hard time seeing Finn any other way, too, and yet... you're all becoming such young men. Straight, gay or anything else, you all deserve to be happy." She grinned at him. "I suppose I never expected any of you to be happy with each other."

"Well, I don't know what label Noah would choose for himself, should he ever decide to choose a label, but I suspect he would say he still likes girls. But I know he likes me, too." Kurt felt a stupid, dreamy smile spread across his face at the idea. "There's a boy at camp he liked - several, I think - but he also said there's no one else he feels this way about."

"You're very special, Kurt. I've only known you a little while, but I already know that. I'm not surprised that Noah knows it, too." She took his hand and squeezed it, gazing at him meaningfully. "It also sounds like he loves you enough not to let you settle for less than you deserve."

Kurt considered that for a long moment. "I don't disagree with that idea in theory," he said slowly. "But Noah and I have been close like this on and off for almost two years. He lets me see aspects of him he doesn't share with anybody else. I can say, with some degree of certainty, that I know him - and the Noah I know is someone I would be proud to call my boyfriend." He shook his head. "Unfortunately, he doesn't appear to agree with me."

"So, even if you do keep waiting, you don't keep yourself from looking elsewhere," said Carole firmly. "And you don't settle, but... I can still hope that, someday, Noah's ability to give you what you need coincides with your desire to want it from him."

Kurt hugged her. "I hope so, too."

Then he picked up his phone, walking slowly down the stairs. He typed out: I miss you already, dammit.

Noah's answer came slowly, but when it did, Kurt sighed, with relief as much as regret. Yeah. Im kind of a fucking mess.

I'm here, he replied. For what that's worth.

Its worth a lot, Noah told him. I still dont expect you to stick around waiting for me.

I know. But I am. As long as you'll let me love you anyway, as best as I can, from here?

Kurt waited a while for Noah's next reply. Your making me cry like a fucking little girl, kurt.

He smiled through his own tears. I can relate. Don't drive off the highway, please.

I pulled over.

Kurt hesitated, then dialed Noah's number. He could hear him sniffling.

"You called to hear me cry?" said Noah, his words a little indistinct. "Really?"

"I took a chance," Kurt said. "I figured you wouldn't pick up if you didn't want to talk to me."

"Yeah, well, there's not a lot of danger of that happening." He let out a long, slow breath. "Right now I'm wishing I hadn't been so fucking responsible yesterday. I could at least have kissed you goodbye after you took that risk, saying... how you felt."

Kurt let his imagination dwell on that idea for a moment. "Saying that didn't feel like much of a risk," he admitted. "I think it was more like an uncontrolled urge. I've been thinking it for so long, I just..."

"Yeah." Noah paused, then added softly, "Say it again?"

Kurt swallowed. "I - I love you."

He heard Noah sigh again, but this time it sounded more satisfied. "I love you, too, Kurt."

"Wow," he whispered, feeling the words reverberate inside him, like an echo. "I don't think I quite believed you the first time you told me that, last summer."

"We weren't exactly friends for a while there. And I'm still an asshole, you know."

Kurt leaned back against his pillowed, feeling lightheaded. "You keep telling me that, but then you go and do something nice and thoughtful."

"I'll reclaim my asshole status sooner or later," Noah assured him. "Thanks, anyway, for the opportunity to feel like the good guy for a change. I really thought this summer was going to suck."

"Me, too," Kurt agreed. "It still might." He grinned. "At least you don't have to worry about being responsible around me, as long as you're in New York."

"Are you kidding?" Noah chuckled. "I seem to recall you have this habit of jacking off while thinking about me..."

Kurt heard himself make a noise which was intended to be a no, but really sounded more like a moan. He pulled himself together. "Which we are not going to do now. Seriously, Noah, I am not going to let my first sexual experience with another boy happen on the phone."

"Suit yourself," he drawled. "Phone sex can be damn hot."

"I'll have to take your word for it." Kurt reached for Shadow of the Hegemon, waiting on his side table. "Attempting to change the subject, here... do you think you can drive and listen to me read at the same time?"

"Hey, good idea. Hang on a second." He heard Noah's truck accelerate back onto the highway. "All right, go ahead."

Kurt leaned on one elbow. Maybe nothing had changed between them, but he definitely felt a lot better. "You're not going to miss your exit or anything?"

"Not for another four hours. As long as your voice holds out, babe, you've got my undivided attention."

Kurt made it through two chapters before his phone started to flash warnings about running out of battery. He set the book down on his chest, lying flat on his back and staring up at the ceiling.

"What did you call me, before?" he asked.

Noah laughed uneasily. "It's nothing. Just a stupid name."

He smiled. "That's not really a name you call a friend, is it? Babe?"

"Never mind," Noah muttered. "I won't do it again."

"No, it's okay. I like it. I'm just saying -"

"What, it doesn't mean you're my boyfriend or anything. Fuck that. I'm not interested in labels."

"Hey." He cut Noah's angry words off with soft reassurance. "I know. I'm not looking for you to be anybody you're not. I only wanted to say I noticed, and it was nice."

"Okay." Noah still sounded a little uncertain. "Just... I'm not going to call you honey or sweetheart or anything stupid like that."

Kurt giggled. "No, I don't think I could handle hearing that from you. It's fine. Call me when you get there, okay? To let me know you're safe?"

"Sure. Thanks for reading, Kurt."

He hugged the book to his chest. "Thanks for letting me. I really love doing it."

Kurt wondered if the urge to run around gleefully telling everybody he knew he said he loves me was a rational one. He decided, considering Noah's situation, that it probably wasn't. But he did fire off a text to Andrea before plugging in his phone to charge: Noah told me he loved me, out loud. Please tell me I'm not insane for being this excited about a closeted boy.

You are, she replied. But I'm still really happy for you.

Then he went upstairs to find Carole. Before she could say anything, he hugged her. She laughed, surprised. "What-?"

"Things are looking up," he said. His cheeks were getting sore from smiling so hard. "With Noah. I just... had to tell somebody."

Her smile softened. "Oh, Kurt. I'm glad to hear it."

"Thanks, Carole. I'm trying hard to hang on to my convictions, but..." He laughed, the happiness bubbling up inside him. "It's hard, when I feel this good."

"Give yourself a break," she advised. "You get to be happy, too."


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Another day another life
Passes by just like mine
It's not complicated
Another mind
Another soul
Another body to grow old
It's not complicated

Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you?
Float down
Like autumn leaves
And hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep
And you're miles away
And yesterday you were here with me

Another tear
Another cry
Another place for us to die
It's not complicated
Another life that's gone to waste
Another light lost from your face
It's complicated

Is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you?
Float down
Like autumn leaves
And hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep
And you're miles away
And yesterday you were here with me

And, oh, how I miss you
My symphony played the song that carried you out
And, oh, how I miss you
I miss you and I wish you'd stay

Touch down
Like a seven four seven
Stay out and we'll live forever now

- Ed Sheeran, "Autumn Leaves"