Hi again...
So the reviews have spoken, lol, yup these short chapters aren't working for me; so here it is, the final installment.
Hope you'll enjoy & review!
Chapter 9-
Sam felt a hand on his shoulder, the soft touch telling him that it was female.
Without even thinking about it he lunged to his feet, and stood up moving away without looking to see who had touched him.
"Detective Swarek!" Sylvia's voice suddenly drew through the panic he was feeling, his feet stopping from making their hasty retreat as he heard her voice rather than the one he had been dreading. Her tone was harsh and it instantly drew his attention and made him focus.
"Sit down" she ordered looking towards the last row of chairs close to the doorway.
Her tone was clipped and so Sam did the only thing he could, he found a chair and sat down, his lungs still feeling a tight squeeze.
Sylvia joined him by sitting in the chair next to him, her hand pushing his head forwards a little, towards his knees.
"Take long, deep breaths. You're having a panic attack" she said softer than the previous times that she had recently spoken.
A panic attack? Oh that was just great! He was having a panic attack in public, with people he hadn't even said a word too.
A few deep, calming breaths did the trick, Sam feeling some normalcy returning to his body.
"Don't fight it Detective. The more you force it out, the harder it will hit you" Sylvia said in a friendly but strict voice.
It was so easy for her to say, she had no idea what was going on in his life or why he was even here. So she could hand out advice freely, and it really wouldn't matter.
After sitting in silence for a while, Sylvia got up and went back to the middle of the room, Sam's annoyance staying behind to feed him into feeling frustrated now too.
It was so easy for people to judge, so easy for them to come to a conclusion without even knowing the truth.
Just like he had done.
His own conclusions are what got him to where he was today, here, in a room full of strangers.
"He's okay" Sylvia addressed the room as muted whispers about Sam floated around. It was just her way to assure everyone that their bumps in the road were a part of life, and that it wouldn't stop them from moving on.
The thought made Sam's dry chuckle sound in his own mind- moving on.
That was supposed to be the outcome of attending these meetings.
By the next meeting Sam had made peace with the fact that it would go badly again.
There wasn't another way for it to go, so it would just keep happening that way.
When he arrived he sauntered in and nodded Sylvia's way when she eyed him surprised. She obviously hadn't expected him to be back.
He kept to himself and sat down, this time in another new chair.
Her presence already filled the room when he arrived so Sam accepted the fact that She was here too. Maybe it would be easier if he did.
But life threw him another curve ball when She actually looked his way and smiled, like She was reaching out to him.
That was really unexpected.
It completely threw him for a loop.
Over the next sixty minutes, She stayed in the room, She didn't run, or evaporated She just hovered.
Sam quickly grew used to Her presence, its warmth wrapping around him even though he was fighting to keep it away, along with the remorse and rage that was still a large part of his life, and still remained embedded deeply in him.
Maybe next time, he'd find it more comfortable to even be in the same room.
A month later nothing had changed. Sam still attended his meetings twice a week with no improvement or epiphany occurring.
He was however adjusting to the sight of Her.
In many ways it felt wrong to think of Her as 'Her' or 'She'. After all She had a name. A name he hadn't said in a little over six months, a name he had only thought of once in six months.
But he thought about Her everyday.
It was hard not too, not when he still had so many ends to tie up, when they had left things so... Unfinished.
Sitting a little closer to the front of the room than he usually would, Sam's mind raced back a year to when he made promises, to when She still walked away and he found himself finding a really deep hatred for himself growing inside.
It was a new feeling, one that outweighed the hurt and overcame the anger.
It was something he couldn't explain, maybe it was because there was a full moon or maybe it was because a year ago in two weeks time was the day that She walked away from them.
The meetings were still the same, the same names, the same faces, the same "Hi my name is..." Starting introductions.
It was boring after a while, but Frank hadn't relented on Sam attending because he'd been to a few meetings over two months.
Work was better, everyone started to steer clear of him so they stayed out of his face.
It lightened the burden.
And She was still around, some days She'd be here, others She wouldn't be.
But there was still too much distance between them, still too much history to change the past. And it was getting him nowhere.
He still felt the same about Her, still missed Her like he had when he first broke up with Her. Still loved Her like he did from day one.
Maybe that was why this wasn't getting anywhere? Maybe that was why he still longed to set things right and maybe just maybe starting with her name would move things forwards.
But maybe was a big word.
So Sam set a goal, if She came tonight, he'd try and close the distance between them by starting simple, starting somewhere.
When he left, he felt his heart split down the middle all over again.
She hadn't come tonight, so there was no starting anything except a lonely journey home.
A week later Sam sat slumped in his chair feeling like he was ready to end all of it. Put himself out of his misery.
He contemplated doing it permanently, but was too afraid to. He chickened out the night before, and handed Frank his gun this morning before taking a few days off without an explanation.
He was really loosing himself and needed the time to get his shit together.
Tonight there were a few new faces milling around, and then suddenly there were way too many bodies filling the room. Familiar faces set on top of shoulders he knew well as the bodies huddled together in the corner above the hushed whispers about them.
But Sam knew why they were here, what they wanted.
Who they were.
They were the closest people to him, his sister Sarah. His best friend Oliver. Frank and Nash and even Noelle.
They were here for him, here to help him save his soul before there really was no going back.
They gave him room, kept their distance. They just wanted him to know that they were here for him, that he wasn't alone.
But still, in a room full of people Sam still felt lonely.
Sam met their gazes before dropping his own, they made him feel ashamed.
Because he was.
Above everything else he felt, the shame was the strongest.
Sylvia began the meeting, Sam's friends staying in their seats as they silently told Sam that they would be here for the duration of the next sixty minutes of his life.
Trying to focus on what Sylvia was saying Sam couldn't help the shudder that ran through him as a chill took up residence in the space surrounding him.
Her perfume filled his nostrils, the sweet smell instantly familiar as She sat down a few chairs away from him.
It was the closest that She had ventured in a solid twelve months.
Sam looked away and then looked back at Her, Her smile small but still visible.
Man he missed this, missed Her smell and Her smile and the way She would look at him so adoringly.
And for those few seconds Sam felt like time stopped, like this was how it was supposed to be.
It felt normal and irreplaceable, and those few short seconds were all he needed to know. To know what to do, and to know how to do it.
Sylvia started the meeting running through her 'no pressure' speech to welcome the newbies before she tilted her head to the side and watched Sam.
She could tell that today was harder than average days were for him, that today he was struggling and losing the fight.
"I don't usually say much, just run the meetings but today I'd like to start" Sylvia said still watching Sam.
"Um, hi my name is Sylvia Johnston. I hail from Michigan but moved here a year ago when things were really tough".
Sam casually glanced around the room, everyone seemed surprised that sylvia was taking the floor. Obviously no-one in this group knew her story.
It had Sam tense up, become edgy.
He knew everyone else in this room's story, except the couple that were here for the first time tonight.
He knew Bob's, and Jane's and Mercia's and Ryan's and no-one knew his.
Somewhere along the lines he thought that by keeping his story to himself, it would make it easier.
"I moved because I couldn't live in my street without the stares and whispers, without my kids being tormented at school". Sylvia continued.
"I moved here because I shot and killed my own husband" Sylvia stated plunging the room into a tense silence.
Everyone in the room had a pretty good idea of what Sylvia had been through, and how she felt. It was the reason that they were all here.
Bob killed his wife when he drove drunk.
Jane left the gate to her swimming pool open when she went to answer the phone, her toddler drowned.
Mercia was driving to her boyfriends house when she ran over a cyclist as he zoomed out in front of her. He didn't make it, and she held his hand while he bled out waiting for medics to arrive.
Sam guessed that the new couple lost one of their children and were attending the grief counseling just to make it through the day.
"He worked shifts and we'd had a few break-ins in the neighborhood so he bought a gun. He came home one night in the middle of the night, and just walked into our bedroom while I was sleeping. He taught me how to shoot that gun, and when I got scared I just grabbed it and pulled the trigger again and again".
Sylvia kept talking, her attention still focused on Sam like she was issuing a challenge.
But like he would ever get up there and say anything.
Sam turned to the side distracted momentarily by the person sitting next to him.
She was still smiling, but this time he could swear that Her eyes were clouded in tears.
She nodded faintly and Sam knew that no matter what, he had to see this through. Had to do the only thing left to do.
A momentary lapse in concentration caused several emotions to flow through him at once.
Looking in his friends direction they all seemed to be wearing the same face that he was- a sad one.
Oliver and Nash smiled sadly at him, like they knew the internal battle he was facing.
And then the final pieces made sense. He finally understood.
He even understood how hard this was on them too, how hard seeing him like this was.
"Anyone else?" Sylvia asked when she was done.
Sam slid his hand up, a slow smile curving her lips up in the corners. She thought that maybe telling her story would help him, maybe if he told his own, it actually would help him.
Sylvia nodded and moved away, Sam finding his feet as the shakes returned and his insides turned numb.
"Hi, my name is Sam. I'm a Detective at Fifteen Division, a local". See, it wasn't that hard.
Sam let his gaze swing to his friends, Nash was smiling so proudly that he knew he was making the right decision.
"A year ago I screwed up. I um," Sam let out a dry chuckle as he moved his eyes to movement in the doorway.
There She stood, watching him.
"I broke up with the best thing I've ever had because I was stupid". Sam took a deep breath, his gaze still fixed on Her. Maybe it would be easier if he actually said everything to Her.
"I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. But I can't change it, I can't undo it and I can't live with it". Sam's voice cracked at the end before breaking into a moments silence.
Why was this still so damned hard?
Sam tried to focus on Her, and Her alone, but it was hard to look Her in the eye and be so open and honest.
"I didn't mean too, I'd just lost my best friend... And I was so scared. Scared that I wouldn't be enough. Scared that She'd be next..."
Sam trailed off and looked at Oliver. He didn't mean for his friendship with Jerry to sound more important than his one with Oliver.
Oliver's reassuring smile told him that he hadn't taken it that way, he understood exactly what Sam meant. Their friendships differed, each of them having a solid bond with the other in a triangle, in their own way.
"I um, let her walk away after that. Let her take an assignment that I knew was dangerous and I didn't even try and stop her" Sam said seconds later, his voice tight.
"She um, she called me six months later and um...". Sam stopped short and couldn't say another word. It was too painful.
"I love her, like I could see us getting married kind of love her" Sam ran a hand over his face and dared to look back at the doorway.
She was still there, Her smile having faded as She watched him.
Her face was void of all emotion, everything wiped from Her delicate features.
And it broke Sam's heart and yet it somehow forced him to carry on.
"She called me, and said my name and all I said was McN... Hers and hung up. I was so mad at her, so consumed by my own anger that I just ended the call and turned my phone off. She was reaching out to me, and I just let myself get angry and feel that more than what I felt for her". Sam's tone dropped, his voice husky and low before it wept into silence.
"They, um her and her partner were found the next week when some guys went to work. They'd been um,...". Sam looked at the roof, then the floor, then his friends.
"They were both shot, and didn't make it, because I hung up. I couldn't give her five minutes to just listen to her and it got her killed". Sam's tone became erratic as he let the full force of his emotions carry out on his words. "Because of that, she's never coming back".
"She was only twenty-nine years old, had her whole life in front of her... And I took it away".
Sam felt wetness on his cheek, his hand moving up to touch his cheek to find one single stray tear running down it.
It felt strange, he hadn't even cried at Her funeral, but here he was now in a room full of strangers breaking down.
"But, I still love her, still miss her. I still can't accept that she's gone..." Sam mumbled looking towards the door where She still stood.
She was just frozen in time now, just the way he remembered Her. She was how She had been since the day She died and all that was left was his memory of Her, a vivid image that followed him around like She was haunting him. A perfect image, just like he remembered from the locker room the night She left for Dakota. The last time he had seen Her.
But it was time to let Her go.
He couldn't keep doing this to himself, keeping Her here like this wasn't fair to any of them because it changed who he could have become to who he allowed himself to be, and that wasn't a nice person. He could see that it was taking its toll on the faces he knew that had shown up tonight to offer their support. He couldn't hold on to this anymore, hold on to the rage and the hate, to the sorrow.
"I won't ever stop, it won't ever change. I'll always feel guilty, always regret it. But I'll always love her". Sam tried to find a smile before pinching his eyes closed.
"She wouldn't hold it against me if she was still here, she wouldn't hate me or be angry about it. She would have forgiven me because that's how she was, regardless if I deserved her forgiveness or not".
It had been painful to stand here and relive everything, it hurt to admit it all but he had too at one point or another.
Sam felt some of the harsher feelings leave his body, calmness replacing them as he took one last deep breath and opened his eyes. It was time to forgive himself.
"Her name is Andy McNally" Sam said as he watched Andy's face curve up into a beaming smile and her hand streaked out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
She looked so happy.
The cold chills that consumed him suddenly began to fade as a tingle spread through him, a warmth so bright and fuzzy that he welcomed the feeling as it took over.
Sam blinked as he watched Andy start to fade away, She was finally free because he had been able to let Her go completely.
Feeling his burden lighten Sam turned to seek Sylvia out, a glow on her face as she wiped a tear away from her own eye.
She was really proud of him right now, he'd come a long way since being the black energy that sat at the back of the room such a short time ago.
Sam entertained one last thought before walking over to his friends where he sat down between them no longer wanting to have the space that was there between them, the one that had divided them since he started blaming himself the day that the bodies had been found.
He wondered if he came back next week if Sylvia would let him start by saying "Hi, her name was Andy...".
**** So? Good? Bad? In the middle!?
Have an awesome day!
Jelly Bean Jenna©
