Katsuki is sitting on his bed with his knees pulled up to his chest, looking out the window. Kirishima is staring at him from his spot on the ground, his legs going numb from sitting cross-legged for so long.
After Katsuki had finally calmed down he had pulled away from Kirishima's embrace, furiously wiping away his tears and cursing himself for looking so vulnerable. Still, Kirishima seemed unfazed by the situation and had stayed by his side.
The words were already spoken, so Katsuki knew it was time to come clean about his strange behavior of the past few weeks. He had brought Kirishima home, neither of them speaking a word as Katsuki had made them tea and dragged him to his room. There they had sat in silence for longer than Kirishima can recall.
He didn't know what to do. He tried starting up the conversation more than once, but because he didn't quite understand what Katsuki had meant with the fact it's "his fault he killed himself", he had felt too awkward to start talking.
Katsuki cleared his throat and Kirishima looked up expectantly. 'I… used to have a friend,' Katsuki started. 'His name was De..Izuku. We had been together since we were kids, grew up together.'
Katsuki choked. He didn't know how to tell this. How would anyone ever say "Hey, I used to have this friend that I cherished and cared so much about, but I bullied him so much that he leapt off a roof"? It made Katsuki's heart ache.
'What happened to him?' Kirishima's quiet voice fills the room. Katsuki keeps his gaze down. 'He killed himself.' Kirishima wasn't surprised by the answer. The way Katsuki had been behaving every time suicide was even slightly mentioned it was obvious he had lost someone like that.
'It's my fault,' Katsuki says, hanging his head even lower. He doesn't want to look Kirishima in the eye. Even though he's the first person he's telling about his issues, Katsuki feels vulnerable and weak. He hates it.
'Why would that be your fault?' Kirishima carefully tries. He could've never imagined that in his entire life he would have a conversation like this. It makes him glad that Katsuki trusts him enough to confide in him, relieved that he's willing to talk about what's bothering him, but also afraid. What if he says the wrong things and Katsuki closes himself off again. Knowing now what's bothering him, if Kirishima somehow screws up, he's sure that Katsuki will never even look at him again.
'Because I bullied him.' Kirishima is surprised by that. 'What? Why?'
'Because…' Katsuki bites his lip. Why did he bully Izuku? Because he was Quirkless. No. That was a terrible, stupid reason. Because Izuku was stronger than him. He clicked his tongue. As if. The real reason he bullied him was…
'Because I was jealous. People always liked him better than me because he was always so kind and happy. Whenever he walked in he would brighten up the room. I could never be like that.' Kirishima's mind was spinning. Bullying someone into suicide because of jealousy? It seemed so… 'But I never meant to make him do that.'
Kirishima looks up. Katsuki is looking out the window again but Kirishima can see his lower lip trembling. Katsuki's on the verge of tears, trying to keep himself together. He manages, just barely.
'I never thought…,' Katsuki chokes. He takes a deep breath and looks around, staring Kirishima in the eye, his own eyes glistening with tears. Why was talking about it so damn hard!? He never once cried at his stupid therapist's place, but ever since starting U.A. it seemed a necessity to do it every single week.
'I never wanted him to die. If only I'd known that it bothered him so much I would've..!' Katsuki's voice trails off. 'Would you have quit bullying him?' Kirishima finishes. Katsuki covers his face with his hands as the tears start streaming down his cheeks for the second time that day. Kirishima is about to get up to comfort his new friend when Katsuki looks back up, his eyes glassy, but also a certain tinge of anger behind it. 'I would've tried harder to let him know that I cared!' he snaps, his voice breaking a little.
'Because I did! I did care! I just… I never showed it right! And now I can't because he's… he's gone!'
'Maybe he knew that you cared. It's almost never someone's fault if somebody close to them kills themselves, but- ,' Kirishima starts but Katsuki cuts him off. He climbs over the bed and snatches something from his nightstand. To Kirishima it looks like a normal notebook, but when scrutinizing it closer he can see the burn marks at the edges.
'It is my fault,' Katsuki says through gritted teeth, pulling a piece of paper from the notebook. He hands Kirishima the note that Izuku had written for him. The one that made it so painfully obvious to Katsuki that everything was his fault, his doing. He was the reason Izuku had died.
Kirishima carefully reads the note and can immediately feel why Katsuki feels so guilty about all of this. The way this "Deku" had stated it, it very much looks like he blames everything on Katsuki. 'He was Quirkless,' Kirishima states. Katsuki nods. 'And you bullied him for that?' He nods again.
Kirishima looks back at the note and then back up at Katsuki. His stomach is twisting and his heart is pounding. He doesn't know how to deal with these situations. It makes him highly uncomfortable, but still he tries. He gets to his feet and drops down next to Katsuki on the bed, keeping his distance because he knows the blonde doesn't like physical affection.
'Look, I don't know everything about what happened between you and him. The way this is written,' he says waving the note around, 'it seems like he blames you. But that isn't fair.' Katsuki glances up. 'I've known you for a little while now, and even though we aren't really that close, I know you're not the kind of person to wish people dead, even though you sometimes say otherwise.'
Katsuki shifts and crosses his legs to sit a little more comfortably. 'I think this guy had a lot more issues than just you, but he was afraid to admit it, and blaming it on someone else is easy.' Katsuki's heartbeat is starting to slow down. 'It can't all have been your fault, and-,' Kirishima says, putting the note away and grabbing Katsuki's upper arm, forcing the blonde to look at him. 'And even if it was your fault, you're trying to change aren't you? You aren't the same guy that used to bully this person, so… so you should stop beating yourself up over it!'
Katsuki stares at him. The words spoken from Kirishima's mouth were so honest, they had no hidden meaning behind them at all. Kirishima truly believed that it wasn't all Katsuki's fault, and even if it was, he was trying to change for the better. He had tried so hard not to use bad nicknames anymore, to not look down on people anymore, feeling bad whenever the habit of yelling 'DIE!' would surface.
Even so, Katsuki had a hard time believing the words the red head spoke. He pulled his knees to his chest again and rested his chin on it, pulling away from Kirishima's grasp. 'I just wonder what if. What if I never bullied him. What if I had told him I cared. What if I had stayed friends with him and told him he could be a hero. He probably would still be alive.'
'And what if you never had?'
Katsuki glances sideways at Kirishima who is still staring at him. 'What if he still was alive? Would it have made a difference?' Kirishima doesn't know where all of this talk is coming from. His usual bright happy personality has been shoved down to make place for serious talk and honestly, it confuses him.
Katsuki looks ahead again and shrugs. 'It might've. I'll never know, though.'
Kirishima doesn't know what to say anymore. Everything he wanted to say has already been said and he doesn't really feel like it made much of a difference. He sighs softly. He tried everything he could, but he's just not very good at this.
'Do you hate me?'
Kirishima looks up. Katsuki is still staring ahead. 'Of course not!' Kirishima interjects. 'Why not?' Katsuki retorts. Kirishima is taken aback by this question. He doesn't really have an answer to it. 'Why would I?' he answers in return. Katsuki huffs. 'I made someone kill themselves.'
Kirishima opens his mouth to argue – did Katsuki even listen to a single thing he just said! – but Katsuki cuts him off again. 'Even if you believe it wasn't my fault, I am part of the reason he jumped. If you won't even believe that, then you'll at least believe that I bullied him. Enough for him to make a note for me. Anybody would hate me for that.'
Kirishima thinks carefully about the words he speaks next, talking slowly, thinking every word over as he speaks them. 'I don't hate you. I think it's bad that you used to bully someone, but I don't hate you for it.' He looks over at Katsuki who isn't lifting his head. 'I'm sorry, I'm really bad at this,' Kirishima says, scratching his head. This finally makes Katsuki glance over again.
'You've been more help than my freaking shrink,' Katsuki mutters and this makes Kirishima inexplicably giggle a little, temporarily lifting the tension that was in the air. Kirishima stares ahead, listening to Katsuki's breathing as they both remain silent, having ran out of things to say to each other.
Katsuki feels somewhat tired. He lifts his head and looks at the alarm. 'You should head home,' he tells Kirishima as he crawls off the bed. 'It's getting late.'
'Ah, yeah,' Kirishima replies, following Katsuki downstairs. Kirishima doesn't know what to say when he's putting on his shoes at the front door. 'I wish I was able to be of better help,' he grins a bit awkwardly. Katsuki gives him a small smile in return. 'It's okay,' he replies. 'Thanks for listening to me.'
'Anytime.'
Kirishima turns around to leave, but stops short before closing the door behind him. 'Y'know, if anything's bothering you, you can message me, right?' he says. Katsuki nods. 'See you tomorrow.'
'See ya.'
With that, Kirishima leaves. Katsuki goes to retrieve the tea cups he left in his room and sits down for dinner, barely speaking a word. As he goes to bed he checks his phone, noticing that Kirishima has already sent him a message.
Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm always here for you if you need me – Ejiro.
Ejiro. His first name. Katsuki sighs. He was right about Kiri…Ejiro from the start: he was just as annoying and meddlesome as his former best friend. Maybe that's why Katsuki was able to stand being around him; it reminded him of Izuku.
Katsuki laid back down and quickly typed a message back.
Going to bed now, see ya tomorrow – Katsuki.
He rolled over, holding one of Izuku's old All Might plushies close to his chest. Ejiro was right in some sense. If Izuku had still been alive, nothing really would've changed, even if they were still on good terms. Katsuki would've gone to the U.A. hero course, Izuku would've gone somewhere else. Their paths would've been split no matter what would've happened. Still, Katsuki wondered, what if. If Katsuki had the chance, he would trade anything in the world to get Izuku back.
Everything, except Ejiro.
