BCM999: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long… I've just been so incredibly busy… Chapter 9 of this merry little fic is now here, though. :3 You know, I had like half of this ready 6 months ago and lost it in my ocean of files… And I forgot everything that happened in the last chapter. Would someone like to tell me? o.o;;

Kalas: I died, but I'm still here for some reason.

BCM999: Ohh yeah… Kalas died. Shoo. Go away.

Kalas: Whyyyyyyyy?

BCM999: You're dead.

Kalas: No I'm not. I'm right here.

Gibari: 'eats Kalas' Now you're dead.

BCM999: O.O;; I'll just type something up with no memory of what happened before. Yes.

Xelha: Did I die?

BCM999: Be quiet while I type, foo'. Someone do the disclaimer.

Xelha: But you just told me to be quiet…

BCM999: Yes. YOU be quiet. You're annoying me.

Xelha: TT

Lyude: BlueCrescentMoon999 does not own Baten Kaitos. Namco and Nintendo do.

BCM999: Good Lyude. You get a happy squeak toy.

Lyude: Yay

BCM999: I just took up a page doing a stupid author's note thingy. o.o;;

Review Responses…

Guardian Spirit Raina- DS got cancelled:O That's okay. I don't have a DS anyways. XD Lyrics! Ooh! Those are shiny. :3 Ta-ladi-da-di-da, Ta-ladi-da!

Rebbe- Rebbe-Sama! XD I stole their sacrificing song from Finding Nemo. Heheh… Yay for making Rebbe-Sama laugh muchly.

NekoHaruna- Wah! I still wanna hear that Steve song. :3 And I'll bet Melodia scares more out of me then you. o.o XD

freakyanimegal456- Yes! Lyude's acting like Cheese, because Cheese is awesome. :3 "I like cereal…"

The Shadowfox Mistress- I hope your laughing so late at night didn't get you killed or something! o.o;; And yes! Soren! Soren is awesome-ness at the highest level. .

Tornack- Wahh! I like Kalas! o.o I just think making fun of him is so entertaining. XD You're in the WAI Ninja Clan now, so feel free to post. :3

Silver Neko Kitsune – Thank you for your review! Here's a new chapter. XD

Greythorne Girl – Your penname makes me think of some superhero or something. Hee. Thanks. 3 You're cool, too. XD

(AHHH! THIS FIC HAS BEEN UP OVER A YEAR!!! o.o;;)


" " talking

' ' the almighty Authoress, because I feel a need to be included in the story...

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 2/15/07


Chapter Nine: The Princess and the Pea

Once upon a time, in Kafaljih-ice-place's huge empire castle thing, there was a royal family. It consisted of 4 merry people: the King, Geldoblame, the Queen, Barnette, the Princess, Xelha, and the Prince, Kalas. Apparently, Kalas and Xelha somehow got related. They lived a happy, joyous life-

"Hold on a second!!" Xelha, sitting on a fluffy bed inside a room of the Kafaljih-ice-place, interrupted the Authoress, "What are you implying?! I mean, I can live with weird Barnette being my mother, but Geldoblame's my father?!"

'Yes. It makes for great humor, foo'. Haha for you. :3 Would you like fries with that?'

Xelha pondered this thought for a moment, before it hit her; "it" being a cookie. She rubbed the spot it whacked and carefully ate it. "But I thought Geldoblame was sacrificed last chapter? And no, I'm fine with out fries."

'Psh. I don't remember what happened last chapter. I thought I told you that?'

"Yeah, but then I kindly offered to explain, when you meanly told me to shut up." Xelha sniffled her nose and wiped it with her sleeve. Her sleeve quickly got snotty.

The Authoress folded her arms, which is hard to do while typing. 'You make me sound so mean. I just said to be quiet because you were annoying me. If you really want to, you can tell me what happened last chapter right now.'

The blonde leapt about the room happily with agreement to the Authoress' suggestion. Xelha was acting like a bunny high on carrots. If carrots could make people drunk, those rabbits would be some crazy kind of drunk. Anyways, she dove towards a toy box, hugging it once it was in reach. Cackling maniacally, she thrust it open and pulled out a set of puppets. "Mweeheehee!

Out of the sky fell a mini theater and a tiny chair. You know, one of those tiny things that kindergarteners sit in for happy play time. Xelha popped out of the Authoress screen and shoved her into the happy play time chair before heading behind the theater. "NOW FOR YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION." A voice boomed, like those voices at the movie theaters- the voice that comes before every movie during the previews and sounds exactly the same every time.

The curtains flew open to reveal crudely formed puppets of Geldoblame, Savyna, Gibari, and a black thing. They all were standing- meaning Xelha had to have 4 hands to operate all of them, which she does as of now. Like one of those Inca things with the 4 arms. Yeah, I have no clue what I'm talking about.

The black thing soared through the air and slammed into the Geldoblame puppet with an odd noise like, "MHWAHMWAHMAHAW!!!"

Puppet Savyna rose into the air. "Our sacrifice is complete!" Xelha squeaked, trying to match Savyna's voice. She failed, sounding like a squeaking rubber duck.

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!" Xelha grumbled lowly, sounding like a lawnmower.

"The revival is done!" Xelha squeaking rubber duck-ed.

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!" Xelha lawnmower-ed.

"We will be rewarded with joyous candy!"

The Authoress decided to pay no attention to Xelha, and stuffed her complimentary peanuts down her mouth. The Authoress likes peanuts. They're like little nuts. Maybe because they are! O

Xelha threw the current puppets to the floor and rummaged around for new ones. She picked up one of herself. "I SHALL NAME YOU SQUISHY," the puppet Xelha declared, picking up a puppet treasure box.

She put that puppet down and whipped brought out a Melodia puppet. "DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!!! MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHHHAA!!" The blonde proceeded to pull her sock off and whack puppet Melodia with it. I should draw that. :3

Kalas puppet took the place of Melodia puppet, and Xelha screamed in an odd voice, "I KISS THE SWEET GROUND!" before pulling the puppet down below the stage in slow motion. "NooOooooOOOOOooOOOooooo…"

'Hey, I'm out of peanuts.' The Authoress shook her empty bag with a frown.

"I'm done. You remember now?"

'Remember what? OH! I'm supposed to act like I was paying attention. Yes. I totally remember what I'm supposed to have just remembered. I have no clue what I'm talking about.'

"Good. Now I'll need a new father for this chapter." Xelha reminded the Authoress while stuffing the puppets back into her toy box.

'Why?'

Xelha screamed loudly, kicking her toy box. "BECAUSE GELDOBLAME IS DEAD!!! …And look what you went and made me do! My poor foot…"

'Teehee. We're on page 4. And Geldoblame's still alive, silly. Giacomo over there missed him, and did human transmutation, sacrificing himself to make homunculus Geldoblame, the little kreaf.'

"Bless you," Xelha replied. "And I don't understand any of that."

'AHHHHHHHH!!! FMA IS SNEAKING ITSELF INTO MY BK STORY!!!' The Authoress panicked, ramming her head into her keyboard. '…I think I broke my keyboard…'

"Well, that's your own fault." Xelha stuck her tongue out at the Authoress before it hit her, "it" being another cookie. "WHO IS THROWING THESE COOKIES AT ME?!? …Anyways… I don't get it. How are you still typing if your keyboard is broken?"

'Oh… uh… um…,' The Authoress stuttered. She stuck her hand into her computer screen and tapped Xelha's head. 'Sleep.'

Xelha fell over into a deep slumber. The Authoress tapped her head again, 'Awake.'

"WHO IS THROWING THESE COOKIES AT ME?!?" Xelha screamed, before looking around confused. "Where am I?"

'You are the agent StickyFingers. The earth is under attack, Agent StickyFingers! It's up to you to save it!'

"OHMIGAWD!" Xelha ohmigawd-ed. "I must go save the planet earth!" She donned a pink cape before leaping out the nearest window.

The Authoress giggled at Agent StickyFingers, when Kalas burst into the room. "Father Geldoblame says to get on with the fic before he goes all homunculus on you."

'…"Father Geldoblame"? You make the kreaf sound like a priest.'

"…You're right… That's weird…"

'Wait… Priest? AHHHH!!! CC IS SNEAKING INTO MY FICS, TOO!!! AHHHHH!!! Wait again… You're supposed to be dead.'

Kalas flinched at a cookie that was thrown at him. "Who's throwing cookies? …Oh. I escaped that evil quicksand with my uber quicksand attack of sumo-doomo."

But Father Geldoblame is right. I must continue with the fic, entertaining as my offtopic-ness maybe… Or not. Whatever.

Following Kalas' previous example, Barnette burst into the room. "We must find Kalas a bride! For the sake of the plot!"

Not expecting that one, Kalas gasped like a chicken. That doesn't provide a clear image in people's minds… But whatever. "What? I don't wanna…"

'Kalas! Do you WANT to kill the plot?'

"I don't care. I just don't wanna get married."

'YOU SELFISH POOPHEAD!'

He blinked at the Authoress' odd choice of an insult, as Barnette whacked him violently over the head. "Quiet, you. Father Geldoblame and I will leave now to gather possible women to be your bride."

Kalas screamed bloody murder and broke out the mace. He shook the bottle before spraying it everywhere in sight. Its times like this that the Authoress here is glad there's a screen between her and the characters. Poor, poor idiot Kalas shook the bottle too much, causing it to explode everywhere.

MACE ATTACK!!! Press these buttons to dodge!!! A, B, UP, DOWN, A, UP, DOWN!!!

Successful!!! 10 EXP gained!!!

Everyone had jumped out the window that Agent StickyFingers had already busted, escaping the evil mace attack. They whoooooooshed through the air, landing on the Great Mizuti.

Wait, what?

"Hey, hey, hey! Why you be landing on the Great Mizuti?! Does Great Mizuti have to be kicking you?" Mizuti floated up with her birdy, lifting everyone else up with her, to drop them down all wrestling-like. Even though the Authoress doesn't care for wrestling.

Jeezers, 5 pages and we're not even halfway done…

Kalas flumped onto the ground after being wrestle-ized by the Great Mizuti. "Why me? All I was trying to do was stop from getting married… I haven't even graduated from high school yet! My real daddy always told me to graduate before getting married."

'No, you have it all wrong,' the Authoress began, 'You haven't graduated from high school yet because you failed.'

"…Oh yeah… Whatever."

"You be waiting a second now!" Mizuti exclaimed, looking from Kalas to the Authoress. "The Authoress be calling Great Mizuti here because Great Mizuti is to be being the role of the Princess from Alfard come to marry Kafal-place's Prince. That person be Kalas?" Wow, talk about a confusing sentence.

'Aye.'

"GREAT MIZUTI BE OUTTA HERE."

'Noooo! The plot! You must stick with the plot!'

Father Geldoblame popped up from nowhere and brought his breadstick of doom-o upon Great Mizuti's unappreciated-ing head. "Father Geldoblame says make peace, not war, or he will eat you. Let us get on with the pointless plot."

'Yeeeah! You don't want this kreaf to eat you, do you? Noooooo!'

Mizuti pouted and folded her arms. "Great Mizuti be headed toward that one weird bed that a pea be under…"

Kalas screamed bloodier murder then before and proceeded to rip out the hair on his head. Teehee. Bald Kalas. That's funny…

Xelha parachuted down from the sky, holding a small U.S. flag. "Earth has been saved!"

"…What the hell are you doing?" Kalas asked after a moment of silence.

"I am Agent StickyFingers! I just saved the planet earth from the aliens."

"You're an idiot."

Meanwhile with the Great Mizuti…

Great Mizuti was struggling to climb upon the very tall stack of mattresses that Father Geldoblame took time to build. It is this time that Mizuti is whisked into the magical elevator to transform into… TICKLE-ME-MIZUTI. I don't know… Tickle-Me-Mizuti resumed her quest to climb the mountain of mattresses by just flying up to the top with her birdy thing.

Having reached the top, she contemplated on if she really wanted to do this. Stay here and get married to a kreaf, or leave and get eaten by an even bigger kreaf. "This be a very tough decision. Just like vanilla or chocolate, cats or dogs, red or blue… Great Mizuti be hungry."

She stood up and flew back down, headed for Burger King.

With the other crazy people…

Kalas flapped his arms around, his cheeks puffed out. "QUACK. QUACK."

"…A turkey! You're a turkey!" Xelha screamed, her eyes bulging out of her head.

The blue-nette shook his head violently, continuing to flap his arms. "QUACK! QUACK!"

"A chicken! Chickens go quack!" Xelha exclaimed.

"No, foo'!" Father Geldoblame smacked the back of the girl's head. "Chickens don't go quack! They squeak! …Hey! You're a mouse!"

Kalas' eye began to twitch as he strode over to Geldoblame and kung-fu-kicked him. "NO, BAKA. I AM A DUCK."

Xelha excitedly waved her hand in the air. "I GOT IT! YOU'RE A DUCK!"

'What ARE you guys doing?' The Authoress asked bluntly, watching the weird people below her making weird noises outside of the castle.

"Charades." Barnette simply replied. "At least that's what they're playing."

"That's what we WERE playing before Xelha went all stupid." Kalas rolled his eyes. "I think her smartness chip is broken; she's needs a new one. And besides… being stupid is my job anyways."

'Okay… Let's wrap this thing up…'

"Already?!" Father Geldoblame exclaimed. "You're not even past 2000 words yet!"

'Yes I am… I just checked the word count…'

Xelha suddenly leapt out of the Authoress' screen and strangled her. "I'LL HELP YOU TYPE THE STORY!! AHH! But we can't continue until Great Mizuti gets back from Burger King!" She released the Authoress with a smug kitty face.

At Burger King…

Great Mizuti squealed happily as she whooshed down the fun-fun slide in the playpen. "WHEEEEE! Great Mizuti be having a smackin' good time!"

The Authoress snapped her fingers and Mizuti was teleported back to the mattress hut, the new name for that mountain thing of mattresses.

And this is the point in this chapter where the Authoress wonders what will happen next. She will now go to sleep and whatever happens in her dream will be the next thing. D

Kalas watched as the Authoress slipped into a peaceful slumber. He blinked confusedly at the situation at hand. "When did I get here? Why am I watching the weird person go to sleep? What's happening? AHH!"

Xelha seized up the opportunity to type the story for the Authoress, as she somehow managed to jump through the screen.

'Hallo all! Xelha here. 3 I like this face. Anyways, it's time to get back to the story now since the Authoress is sleeping. Wouldn't it be great it when she woke up, the chapter would be all done and ready to be submitted? Ahh! The thought of it makes me giddy. I wonder how I do this snappy fingers thing. I should try snapping and seeing if I can get Mizuti to poof back to Kafaljhidma…Is that how it's spelled? Oh well.'

The blonde stared hard into the computer screen and gave a quick snap. She sat there motionless, waiting for something to happen. A sudden scream from her filled the air as she got sucked away to Russia. Coincidentally, Mizuti and Kalas also poof-ed away to the castle place, where the others were waiting.

Nothing here is really happening fast, so the BCM999 fic association will just fast forward this here fic to the ending. This association actually just consists of BCM999 herself, but no one has to know that.

"Great Mizuti's back be hurting," Mizuti mumbled as she sat up in her bed during the next morning. The Authoress' giggled at her, as she managed to get a good night's sleep, herself. Mizuti grumbled weird little phrases to herself as she groggily rubbed her mask with her hand, such as, 'the duck shall die before dawn,' and 'the cow drinks its own hard drive.'

She proceeded to roll off the bed, as she usually did every morning, to find herself falling through miles of air. The mattresses were piled up really high, silly goose! Oddly enough, the child of the earth managed to land on a pile of bananas, which cushioned the hardh landing. But oh noes! The insides of the bananas that exploded were poisonous!

POISONOUS BANANA!!! Press these buttons to dodge!!! B, A, UP, UP, UP, DOWN!!!

Successful!!! 10 exp gained!!!

Mizuti dive rolled out of the room, and into the absolutely enormous throne room. She plopped down in front of Kalas, Geldoblame, and Barnette. "Oh my gawd!" Geldoblame exclaimed, "You're a princess! My princess detector said so! YOU WIN!" Mizuti was showered with sparkles and confetti, just like whenever someone wins American Idol. Something like that.

Anyways, things were all merry in the land of Baten Kaitos. Kalas escaped having to marry Mizuti, and vice versa, as the blue-nette ran away from home, changed his name to Harold, and started a noodle cart far away in Mira. Mizuti pulled off a Palolo II and poofed over to Kalas' noodle cart to have some good ol'fashioned ramen.

The only problem is, where has Xelha gone? Is she still stuck in Russia? Why did she go to Russia anyways… Meh. Find out next time on… DEAL OR NO DEAL.


BCM999: I don't know what that was… I think I need to renew my sense of humor. o.o

Kalas: Aren't I supposed to be dead?

BCM999: That's what I said…

Kalas: o.o

BCM999: o.o Anyways… Again, I'm sorry this took so long, and that it's semi-short-ish… I'll get the next one up before summer, I promise.

Kalas: You shouldn't make promises you can't keep.

BCM999: I CAN TOTALLY KEEP THIS ONE.

Kalas: …R&R plox. 3

BCM999: Kalas just said plox… The world is about to end. o.o;;