WOW! Thank you again for all of your support! Sometimes I'm still amazed that you guys have received this story with such an open heart and mind! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This chapter was definitely a challenge to write. Through its many drafts, there was a lot of changes going on that on some days is was overwhelming to write. But it is done and I really hope you like this piece. There will be parts that I know some will not like, but it fit with the story and it increased the drama (and who doesn't like a good dose of drama?!).

So, please sit back and get comfortable. This one is a long chapter! :)


The moment he left my quarters, I instantly regretted it. I wanted him back. I needed him back. I was willing to do anything. He was a drug to me and I was completely and utterly dependent on him.

A thought, I remembered, had frightened me.

Then I thought about what he said and it angered me. I understand where he was coming from, don't get wrong, but he was willing to let go of everything we had built up with one another within a snap of a finger.

The thing is, is that he saw pain as something physical and tried to distance himself to protect me, but all it did was to destroy me.

I hated him. I hated that I was addicted to him. I hated that I couldn't see myself without him. But, most of all, I hated knowing that he loved me as much as I loved him.

Gone were the days where sex could be the only thing we shared, we were two loving people who had pledged marriage to each other. And he took that away in the most violent manner possible – quietly and unobtrusively, which made it seem as if he didn't care.

I knew deep down in my gut that his apprehension stemmed from one women – Rosalind the bitch. I have never hated someone more than I have hated her. She made him think that he didn't deserve to love and that repulsive thought still makes me sick to my stomach. I was tempted to try to find her true identity, but after a lot of thought, I gave up on the idea when I realized I had nothing to go on. No clues, not even a damn crumb.

So I was stuck, in limbo, for what felt like forever. I did what I always do when the pain from my crumbling heart paralyzes me – I threw myself in my work. I made sure that the only time I would see him was when I had to through my position as the Chief Medical Officer. I took on more projects and insisted on learning more about ships operation with the help of Geordi in engineering. I had to promise him that I would no longer try to convince him to take parts in my plays, but with most of my time spent either in Sickbay or Engineering, that was not a difficult promise to make.

Then, as if the galaxy gods didn't hate me enough, Jean Luc was injured on Linara. I spent the next few minutes trying anything I could think of to revive his damaged heart. In a last minute decision to defibrillate, the beautiful sound of his heart beating nearly brought tears to my eyes.

When he woke, there was a change about him. Small and undetectable to someone who would have only known him as their captain, but glaringly apparent to me. I admit I would have missed the sudden charge in his eyes if it wasn't not for the melancholy I would normally see whenever I saw him. Then he laid his eyes on me and the new spring in his mood morphed into the heart wrenching look of guilt. Like he was about to break my heart again.

Walking away, I promised myself then and there, that he was no longer going to scare me away or ignore me. Showing up for breakfast the next morning, I gave him a silent offering of friendship with no room for refusal. Never once did I bring up our relationship. We mainly stuck to topics of recent studies being published and the ship's gossip.

It worked for a while. Yes, my heart still ached for his love while my body silently begged to be touched, but I kept my silent promise to keep things between us platonic. There were times, under stolen glances, where I could have sworn I saw his fingers itching to make contact with my buzzing skin or where his palms twitched when I said things that he didn't agree with. Each time that would happen, I would excuse myself earlier than normal to slip away into my quarters to bang away the delicious stress he would cause on my sensitive libido.

Masturbation was vital to my survival during those days of torture. Every time I would cum, a violent sting of loneliness would envelope my soul as my body tried to rationalize that the perfect fit of his cock would no longer be there.

Then Nella came into his life. Every inch of my being begged for him to refuse her, to come back to me. I was enraged with a deep and carnal jealousy that drove me to sheer insanity. But in my late night thoughts while I was supposed to be sleeping, I reasoned that he needed to experience what life was like outside both dungeons of love and control. That no matter who you care about, the risk of putting on the Starfleet uniform was the same regardless of the person in it.

My life during those few weeks was painful as hell. My brain refused to function. My lungs refused to breath. My heart refused to care about anything around me. Thankfully Worf, who seemed to have forgiven me for Celtris III, invited me to his advanced calisthenics program during the evenings. It was a god-send. The class kicked my ass, but at least I was able to not think about Jean Luc and Nella together.

Then I heard that she was stuck on the planet side with a few members of her team during that disastrous storm. While I prayed for them to return safely, I could sense from clear across the ship that Jean Luc was tormented by the mere thought that she could be hurt or dead. When she came back on the Enterprise alive, we all heaved a collective sigh of relief while at the same time mourned the death of her colleagues. I heard from the water cooler mill that she broke it off with Jean Luc not far after.

When she left the Enterprise, for some reason the time Jean Luc and I spent together doubled. Our relationship was still platonic but with the added bonus that we were becoming friends once more by talking and actually getting to know each other. It came to a point where I could lean back in my chair and relax other than trying to run out so that I could sedate my lusty needs for desire through masturbating.

I actually enjoyed his company and I know that he enjoyed mine. Our relationship was still an off limits conversation but we filled it with mindless gossip or ships business. His face lit up in pride when I told him that I had taken a liking to engineering. In return, he gave me many fascinating articles and recent studies on the subject. Rarely did our skin touch, but when it did, the attraction that held us captive was magnetic and sizzling, ever present and needy for us to give in to her wild and lusty ways. But we never did, at least not on purpose. The gentle trace of his finger along my thumb as he handed me an article to read or the caring grasp of my arm when I almost tripped over his long forgotten boots had my mind swimming in a hazy pool of desire and longing to be pressed against the nearest table to be fucked.

At that time I desperately needed a distraction, so I decided to go to the Altine Conference that coincidentally Jean Luc had helped set it up for me to go. That's where I found Dr. Reyga. I thought his theory on subspace technology specifically with a sun's corona had extensive merit that deserved to have a trial and discussion. What a disaster! I thought everything was planned perfectly, but in the end two people died and I was on the frightening end of a formal inquiry. Not to mention Jean Luc's disappointment in me had me cowering to the shadows in embarrassment. I took a chance and stuck my neck out for something that I truly believed in and in the end I was royally fucked over. Sound similar?

After the inquiry, freshly bruised and eager to return to my rabbit hole, an old friend of mine contacted me about Dr. Reyga's work. He was unable to come to the first trial, but he had read my report on metaphasic shielding and wanted to take back the shuttle for a deeper research.

Thinking nothing of his request and wanting to get this all behind me, I greeted him on board with open arms and a natural curiosity of how his life shaped after twenty-five years of barely seeing him.

..::..::..::..::..

"Damn, Beverly. If you didn't look so beautiful, I'd say you look like shit."

Rolling my eyes and smirking, I dramatically flare, "Well, don't you know, that's what a formal inquiry will do to you." Knowing that he loves cursing as much as I do, I add under my breath, "Asshole."

Laughing out loud with a boisterous chuckle, Jax shakes his head and downs the rest of his drink. "You haven't changed one damn bit." Closing his eyes as the bitter taste of his drink marks a path down his throat, he coughs, "God, this synthohol tastes like shit. Please tell me there is real alcohol on this bloody ship."

Smacking him on the arm, I stand, "Come with me. I've got the good stuff in my quarters."

"Music to my ears." Standing with me, we make our way out of Ten Forward. "I'm glad that I was able to make the trip out here."

Rolling my eyes, I sarcastically say, "You are taking a piece of technology back that can help with your scientific research. I think you would have come out regardless."

Taking my hand into his own, he quietly explains, "I get to see a great friend, who I have not had the pleasure of having dinner with in a long time. All I'm saying is that I'm lucky if I went back empty handed." Just as the turbolift doors open, he lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles.

Blushing at his complement, when I turn to step in the turbolift, I see Jean Luc standing right in front of us. Agitation crosses his stoic features as his arms sit tightly along his chest. Chewing the side of his cheek, he covertly sizes up the man next to me.

Is he really fucking doing this? Right now? For months, I have silently begged for his attention while I waited patiently for him to throw me a fucking bone. And all it took was seeing me with another man? Good! Now he knows how it feels to be enraged with jealousy.

Feigning complete innocence, Jax and I step in together as I pleasantly make introductions. "Captain, this Dr. Jax Hepburn from the Mars Science Station. He is here to pick up the shuttle that was used in the metaphasic shielding experiment to bring it back for scientific research. Jax, this is Captain Picard."

Thrusting his hands out in a friendly manner, Jax replies, "Thank you for allowing us the shuttle. I'm sure Starfleet has already dispensed on getting you a new one to replace it."

Stiffly shaking his hand, he quickly removes it and crosses it back along his chest. "Yes, they did. I look forward to reading your findings." Standing in a defensive position, his jaw is working in a furious manner as he looks everywhere else but at me.

Karma is a fucking bitch and I can't help but enjoy this. Tomorrow, I'll hate myself, but right now it feels so fucking delightful. Not as good as his mouth between my legs, but it damn near comes close. Shit! Just the tiny thought of his tongue relentlessly fucking me until I climax has my heart pound against my tightened chest. Taking a calming breath to stagnant my raging libido, I squeeze Jax's hand.

"Beverly has been kind enough to give me a tour of your ship. I have to say that out of all the ships I have been on – which I can count on one hand – this one is absolutely gorgeous." When Jean Luc doesn't return a comment, it propels us into an awkward and stifling moment.

I have known Jax since we were teenagers. He doesn't take to kindly to awkward moments.

"So… Ummm, would you like to join us in Beverly's quarters? She has offered a real taste of alcohol as opposed to the synthohol found in your bar."

Jax meant for it to be a joke and a friendly chance for him to break the ice that has covered this lift with Jean Luc's frosty attitude, but with the flare of his nostrils, I am willing to bet that all he heard was the first sentence. I notice that the pulse in his neck is throbbing mercilessly as a thin sheen of sweat cover his head.

I can't believe this! He is actually jealous.

Wanting to milk this for all that I can, I lean over and whisper, "He's the captain. I'm sure he has other duties to perform." When the doors open to our destination, my eyes bore into Jean Luc as I purr, "Good night, Captain." Taking the lead, I literally drag Jax out without a glance back.

Desperately trying to look over his shoulder, Jax throws a hasty good night before catching up to me. Just as we get to the door of my quarters, he places a comforting hand on my shoulder. "What the fuck was that all about?"

Shrugging his hand off, I grant us entrance as I moodily murmur, "Nothing." Marching in, I point to my makeshift bar and soften my over anxious voice, "Can you please be a doll and fix us both a drink? I'll be right back."

Narrowing his eyes, he firmly asks again, "What the hell just happened?"

Closing my eyes and heaving a defeated breath, I sigh, "Make me a big, strong drink and I will tell."

"That bad, ehh?" His brow turns up in concern as he relents, "Okay, you go change into something sexy and I will get us some BFDs."

Smiling as he uses our special coding for 'Big Fucking Drinks', I turn and make my way towards my bedroom. Quickly picking up my discarded clothes and shoes, I shove them into my bottom drawer right next to the Tarcasian Pleasure Stick. Staring at it, a renewed sense of desire shivers through my body. Jax and I used to be together when we were teenagers, however we went our own separate ways after high school. It has been a long time since we had sex but when we did, it was the stuff of legends. For the whole summer before going to Starfleet Academy we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

Slamming the drawer shut, I erase those memories from my mind. When he came aboard a few hours ago, I was under no assumption that we would hook up and as far as I'm concerned it will stay that way. Not when the tear in my heart is still fresh from when Jean Luc dragged his knife through it.

Kicking off my boots, I throw them in the closet before walking out into the living room. Feeling a rush of gratitude when I seeing Jax waiting for me on the couch with a BFD, I offer a sweeping smile before cuddling up to him. With no preamble, I begin the shortened version of our story. "Jean Luc and I have been seeing each other off and on for just about two years. He made a promise to me and he didn't keep it. He broke it off with me."

Rubbing my shoulder, he asks, "What was the reason?"

Hating the feel of hot tears welling behind my eyes, I mumble into his uniform, "He didn't like the thought of us being together and being my commanding officer at the same time."

"I have to admit Red, that's a pretty big reason."

Pushing away from him, I passionately explain, "But that's the risk of joining, marrying, or being born into Starfleet. The probability of death grows exponentially as opposed to other planet side careers and they are very careful to prepare you for it. If the fear of having someone you love die in the service of Starfleet was overwhelming, then it would have never existed beyond its formidable years." Stopping to catch my breath, I finally steal a glance at Jax.

A perplexing look of apprehension crosses his features. "You… You love… Him…" his words tumble out of his lips at a slow, deliberate rate as if he was still trying to comprehend my words.

Oh goodness... I was under the impression that there would be no sex but apparently he was not under that same impression.

Oh, dear.

Grasping my cheek, he offers a warm smile to compensate the awkward moment being shared. Like I said before, he hates awkward moments. "My dearest, no need to explain anymore. I was just a foolish man living out a wet dream of seeing an old lover and wooing her into a quaking pile of desire."

Rolling my eyes, he always had a dramatic flair for the romance novels. We would read them together and try to mimic their sex positions. Almost always we would fall to the floor laughing our asses off. Covering his hand with mine, I kiss his palm. "It happened recently and, I hate to admit, it's still a little too painful." More like my heart has exploded into a million tiny, fragmented pieces that is impossible to put together unless Jean Luc is the one picking them up. But I won't tell him that.

Smirking, he laughs, "After all these years, a man has finally gotten the elusive Beverly to chase after him. I have to know his secret."

Amazing mind blowing sex where every orgasm that rips from my body worships the ground he walks on. A love so powerful that it nearly knocks me unconscious yet, at the same time, lifts me so high that I feel as if I can fly. "There is no secret, just love."

Lifting my chin with the tip of his finger, he leans in closer to get a better look into my eyes, "And, yet, he let you get away. No man would ever let someone as beautiful as you slip through their fingers." Leaning in closer, the tip of his nose barely touches mine as he states rather seriously, "Unless he is gay."

Letting out a bubble of laughter that I have not heard in a very long time, I place my hand on his knee to support myself from falling over. "He is not gay. Foolish, maybe, but not gay." Threading his finger through my hair, the feeling sets my skin of fire. It has been a long time since I have had the caring touch of a man. Closing my eyes, I get lost in the sensation of ecstasy filling every inch of my body. Ever since Jean Luc walked away from me as a lover, I have had to depend on myself to satisfy my carnal needs.

Ohhh… I would love to feel the weight of a man lying on top as he glides into me. I long to have his warm lips cover my nipples as he laps them into harden peaks. I ache for the sight of him between my legs licking and fucking my drenched folds until I scream his name. However, the most horrible affliction to theses wants and desires is that I only see Jean Luc doing it. No one else.

After he pulls me forward, my eyes open to find light blue crystals staring back at me. For a sheer moment I am sent into a panic until my mind catches up to my body.

Jax. Not Jean Luc.

Foolishly blushing, I drop my chin to my chest. "I'm sorry."

Giving me another kind smile, he murmurs between the heated space of our bodies, "No need for any apologies, my dear." Biting his bottom lip, he stares at my mouth in contemplation before nervously voicing, "Let me help you tonight. If you wish, you can call out his name instead of mine."

A rush of desire pools deep into my core as the thought of sex excites all my senses. However, I could never use him like that. He is a good friend of mine. "I couldn't-"

Pulling me towards him, our forehead gently collide as he quickly interjects, "I would rather play second fiddle than no fiddle at all."

Smirking, I sarcastically ask, "So am I supposed to be the fiddle in this analogy?"

"If that means I get to be with you, even one more time, then hell yes." In my moment of contemplation, he takes the initiative and charges forward. Our lips collide into a sweet fastening between two eager bodies.

For once, I let my body take control. Threading my fingers through his soft brown hair, I pull him closer as one of my legs swings over his hip. Pressing down on his evident arousal, he moans as my tongue darts through his mouth. Pumping my hips along his shaft, the clothes between our bodies only seems to cause more friction to add to my growing desire. Enjoying the delicious rush of satisfaction to the pit of my belly, the need for skin to skin contact makes my fingers itch along the base of his neck.

Grasping the top of my uniform, he slowly brings my zipper down, inch by glorious inch. When it reaches the top of my panties, he mumbles along my greedy lips, "Stand up."

Breaking away from him, my eyes remain shut as I step back on wobbly knees. Hearing him grunt as his takes off his clothes, I slide my uniform off of my shoulders.

Stripping it off the rest of my body, his fingers trace along the small of my back as his nose dives in between my legs. "Fuck, you taste of sweet heaven." Gliding his tongue along the wet seam of my panties, his hands roughly grabs my ass to pull me closer. "You used to be such a demanding lover." Reaching in underneath the band, his fingers hungrily slide the thin cotton down my quivering legs. "Did he actually sedate the insatiable Beverly Howard?"

Running off of fumes of pure imagination, I gather my hair between my fingers as a groan of pleasure courses through my heightened body. "It is far more enjoyable."

Tracing his tongue between my swollen lips, he flicks the tip along my clit. "You are fucking wet. Is that what he does to you every time you think of him?"

Feeling my eyes roll back against my closed lids, I sigh, "Every time."

Leaning away, I hear him snap on a condom before he pulls me towards him. "Come here." Kneeling on the cushions, he helps guide my hips down so that the tip of his cock brushes along my opening. "Keep your eyes closed. When you fuck me, imagine it's him. When you cum, call out his name." Pushing my hips all the way down, his cock fills me with a rush of satisfaction.

Grabbing onto the back of the couch, I ride up and down his rock hard shaft. Other than the grunts and moans of pleasure there is no other sounds bouncing along the walls. Taking his advice, my mind instantly fills in the dark shadow in front of me as Jean Luc.

Taking in one of my bouncing tits into his hot mouth, I groan in appreciation as his other hand reaches between our sweaty bodies to find my clit. Rubbing long, hard circles against my sensitive nub, he gently scrapes his teeth along my painfully erect nipple.

Sensing the familiar wave of my orgasm starting from the crown of my head, my speed gets faster and faster to keep up with his thumb. Feeling the hot air escape through his moist lips, I know he is just as close as I am. Tipping my head and arching my back, the rush of pleasure overtakes my body as my walls convulse along his throbbing cock. Jean Luc's name quietly leaves my lips as I feel him cum inside me.

Resting his sweaty head along my pounding chest, my eyes finally open to the bright lights around me. Blinking a few times, I look down momentarily startled to find a different man under me. When my mind catches up to what has happened, a bitter taste of guilt covers my mouth. Pushing off of him, I take a few steps back. As this guilt starts spreading towards my chest, I turn and run to my bathroom. Quickly turning on the shower, the dirtiness of my actions slides down my thighs as I step under the scalding water.

I should have never done that. I should have never asked him to come back to my quarters.

Pressing my back into the tile, I slide down into the corner wishing to disappear from existence. Letting my ungrateful tears flow down my cheeks, I allow guilt from my actions wreak havoc on my sobbing body.

..::..::..::..::..

For a long time after that night, I tried very hard to ignore seeing Jean Luc. I knew just by the way that he looked at me that he knew what I had done. That I had betrayed him. Betrayed my own promise to him.

For the longest I blamed Jax for exploiting me when I was at my weakest, but in the end, it was me who made the decision to do what I did. No one else.

Poor Jax. I used him and then I left him without a single word. A few weeks after he left the Enterprise, he sent a simple message to me stating, "Chase him with all of your heart. Show him that he is a fool without your love. When I see you in twenty-five years, I expect you two to be married." A fresh sting of guilt and depression encircled my heart after I read that.

My decision to ignore Jean Luc worked for a few months, until I had to take command of the ship. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The weight of keeping the Enterprise safe from the Borg just to save a few lives on the planet was overwhelming.

Thinking back, I had a sliver of understanding what Jean Luc meant when he broke his promise to me. But at that time, I was too stubborn to admit it and I had yet to learn the true facts of Jean Luc's history.

After being relieved of duty, I went straight back to my quarters and vowed to never step foot on the bridge again.

That vow lasted for about an hour when Jean Luc came knocking.

..::..::..::..::..

Downing another shot of whiskey and taking solace in its burning trail down my throat, I rest my forehead against the unrelenting tile. The feel of scalding hot water cascading down my back tries to erase today's stresses.

What a shit day. Never again will I take command. The amount of pressure that Jean Luc has on his shoulders on a daily basis is unbelievable. No wonder he needed time in the dungeon to exercise his demons.

One wrong move…

One error in judgement could have risked everyone's lives.

Thankfully everyone who needs to be on the Enterprise is here, but it could have gone horribly wrong.

Refilling my glass, a glorious sense of desire moves through me at the thought of that rush of anticipation and power to the pit of my belly when we were able to defeat the Borg vessel. However, I would gladly trade all of those in just to never sit in that big chair ever again.

Shooting down my third glass of alcohol, a delectable numb feeling courses along my muscles as my mind slows to a comprehensible rate. Ready to crawl in between my sheets and to put this day behind me, I turn off the shower and reach for my towel. Stepping out so that I face the mirror, I throw my damp towel onto the toilet seat. Taking a long stare at myself, I notice that some of my fair complexion has returned since my brief affair with Jax. Feeling my cheeks burn at the thought of my deceit, I briefly wonder if my rosy complexion is from my time in the captain's chair or in the shower.

Shaking my head, I reach into the stall to gather the bottle and my glass before turning towards my bedroom. Placing the breakables on the bedside table, I grab the fluffy white robe from my bed and cover my cooling body. Then a curious sensation of anticipation shivers its way up my spine as the little hairs on my neck stand erect. I know that feeling as if it has been burned into my brain. There are only a few places he can be. Peaking around the corner, I spy the reason of my quivering state sitting comfortably in a dining chair.

Lifting an empty glass in the air, he calls out, "I came to have a glass of your whiskey. However, you were already preoccupied. So, instead of disrupting you, I decided to wait." Letting a smirk cover his lips as his eyes rake over my barely concealed body, he gruffly adds, "I hope you don't mind."

After months of walking the friendship route, you better believe I mind. But I would never tell him that… Not out loud. Silently, I grab the bottle from my bedside table and walk it over to him. Every step I take towards him, my heart rate doubles in speed. It has been a little over a month since my transgression with Jax and I have refused to see Jean Luc in a more personal environment such as this. Just by the way he is staring at me, he knows what I did. Moistening my parched lips when I finally reach him, I pour him a glass full.

His stormy eyes never leaves my body as he tips the glass forward to take a small sip. He crosses his leg as the tip of his delicious tongue darts out to capture a runaway bead of whiskey along his upper lip. "You were amazing on the bridge."

His deep voice shakes me from my purely primal thoughts. Wishing I hadn't forgotten my glass in the bedroom, I sweep my tongue across the roof of my dry mouth and murmur, "Never again, Jean Luc."

Smirking as he relaxes against the chair, a rebellious glint crosses his eyes when he says, "You know when I was first given the Stargazer, my first day as Captain I was so nervous I could barely give orders. That night I threw up what little I had in my stomach and convinced myself that I should hand in my resignation to Starfleet immediately."

Staring at him in disbelief, I ask, "What stopped you?"

"Just as I was about to contact Starfleet, a Varkarian ship started to attack us. You see, we ventured into their territory and they didn't like that at all. So, naturally, they decided to fire on us. It was like a switch turned on inside of my body and right then and there, I knew what I had to do. Racing to the bridge, we fought them off and somehow maneuvered our ship back into neutral space. After experiencing that rush, that thrill, I never looked back, I never questioned my role again."

Shaking my head in wonderment, I murmur, "Something could have happened. Someone could have been killed." My words easily slipped out from under my lips without a conscious thought as to how they would affect him. Instantly staring down at the carpet, I pray that my embarrassment won't show on my cheeks.

"It's the risk you take when you are in command." His voice is different from when he told his gallant story of heroism. Now, it's muffled, damp under a cloud of sadness with a spark of anger right behind it.

Shivering as the cool air between us harshly licks my skin, I immediately change the subject, "How is Data doing?"

Clearing his throat of any and all emotion, he drones in his crisp captain's voice, "Geordi is running a diagnostic scan to make sure Lore didn't cause any irreparable damage. He offered to place himself in the brig and to be brought up on charges of insubordination and treason." Sighing, he mumbles to himself, "I couldn't do that, especially knowing that he was under the direct control of Lore. With all that is said and done, he will forever have to live with the knowledge that he almost killed his closest friends. That itself is like serving a lifetime sentence in the stockade." Crossing his arms over his chest after a few silent minutes, he says, "If you take command during the beta shift, maybe you would become more accustomed to the demand of the ship."

Shrugging, I clasp my hands protectively in front of me. "Maybe."

Staring at me, he hesitantly takes the rest of the glass in one gulp. "Smooth." He sets it down with a harsh clink on the glass table. His fingers nimbly play with the cup as he gazes at me with such heat that I could cool off in the sun's corona. "Beverly…" The melancholy in his voice sits heavily in the awkward air between us. Yet, despite our sour moods, a spark of heated electricity is beginning to charges between our close bodies.

Partially glancing at him through my eyelashes, I confess, "I miss you too." Looking back down, I imagine that he will be leaving soon. After everything that has happened to us, I'm sure he does not want things to get too messy.

"Come closer." His low, commanding voice rumbles through the thick air and straight to the center of my legs.

Willing my eager body to refuse to give in to his command, I keep my eyes down as my arms cross tightly along my chest. Don't look at him. Don't give in to his command for desire. I am strong enough to say no, just don't look at him.

Slipping his fingers through my own, he bypasses through my own self defenses and sends an electrical charge straight to my heart.

Going against everything I had just promised myself, I barely lift my eyes up to find the desperation in his voice mirroring the desperation crossing his handsome features. Within an instant, I ignore what I should do and give in to what he wants me to do.

Taking a timid step towards him, his hand falls back into his lap as he silently looks over me as a predator spies for his prey. Keeping my hands by my side, I wait for further instructions. My mind is screaming at me to run far away from him, but the lick of desire sets my body on an uncontrollable fire. The promise of his next command has my core pulsating back and forth as the delicious taste of sex covers the steamy air between us.

Reaching over, his fingers inch their way into my simple knot and pulls it away from my body. When my robe falls open, he lazily lifts one side open. "Take this off."

My trembling hand grasp the soft terry cloth collar and slides it off of my shoulders. My eyes flutter close when that delightful anticipation clenches along the pit of my belly. Biting down on my bottom lip, I try desperately to calm my raging heart by breathing slowly through my nose.

Just as my robe crosses my elbows, he commands, "Open your eyes." Seeing my flinch, he calmly adds, "I want you to stay focused on me."

Nodding, I let the robe fall to the ground. Staring into those hazy gray eyes, the familiar sensations of being controlled by him erupts all over my body. My pulse painfully throbs along my neck. My nipples stretch towards his warmth like flowers to the sun. Excitement and desire pools between my quivering thighs.

"Did you fuck Dr. Hepburn?"

His harsh voice instantly puts my mind on alert. He knows the answer to that, yet he wants me to say it. "Yes."

Reaching forward, his hand dives between my legs as his fingers deftly stoke along my swollen lips. "Did you enjoy it?" His voice is low, dangerous, as if he is ready to strike at any moment.

Gritting my teeth, I try my best to ignore the growing seed of pleasure blooming in my belly. "No."

Circling along my opening, he languidly slides in one finger. "Did you fuck his cock with your mouth?"

Closing around his finger to subdue my moan on the tip of my tongue, I instead sigh, "No."

Stroking my clamped muscles, he presses his thumb along my clit. "How did you fuck him?"

Swallowing nervously as he continues to defiantly stare at me, I mumble, "We kissed, then he took off my clothes and licked my pussy until I was wet. Then I climbed on top and rode him until he came."

Adding another finger, he leisurely finger fucks me as his thumb rolls into my clit. "Did you cum?"

"Yes."

My one syllable word stills any and all movements from him as an angry storm passes across his features. Jerking his hand away from between my legs, he leans back into his seat and quietly asks, "Why?" At my puzzlement staring back at him, he reiterates, "Why did you fuck him?"

Taking a moment to still my mind from scrambling, I croak, "Because I was lonely."

Uncrossing his legs, I desperately try to not stare at his rock hard cock pressing against his pants. "Do you still want to fuck him?"

"No." My answer comes before he finishes his ridiculous question.

"Sit on the table in front of me. Keep your legs wide open."

Biting my bottom lip once more, I step in front of him and climb onto the table. Feeling incredibly exposed to him, I can't help but feel a rush of primal desire as his eyes never wavers from my body.

Straightening in his chair, he commands, "Lay down and put your hands under your head." Once I follow his orders, he adds, "Keep your eyes on me."

For the longest time, he doesn't touch or talk to me. We just stare at each other as if he is challenging me to look away. I know better. I might be punished for my indiscretion, but I'll be damned if it will include insubordination. Setting my jaw tight in resolution, I stare back with a tight rein on my smart mouth.

Catching a small smirk faintly crossing his features, he leans in and sighs upon my center, "Are you in love with him?"

His warm breath seems to breathe oxygen into my body. He is so close, yet so far away. "No. I love you."

Tracing my inner thighs with his tongue, he quips, "And yet you fucked him." His fingers marks a heated trail up my legs to join his mouth. "So, I ask again," his tongue lightly pirouettes on my clit, "why did you fuck him?"

Furrowing my brow, I thought I already answered that question. "Because I was lonely."

Nipping my clit with his teeth, I can't help but cry out. "No, that's not the answer but I have confidence that we will get there soon." Before I can think about his words, his mouth converges onto my center. His middle finger thrusts hungrily in me as he laps in my salty desire.

I desperately want to close my eyes to ride this glorious wave of pleasure, but the thought of punishment banishes that want. Feeling my fingers dig into my palms, my toes curl as his thumb circles along my puckered hole. Gently pushing in, both fingers work in a sinful concert together.

With so many sensations attacking my senses, I am already on the brink of an orgasm when he slows his ministrations to a stop and blows cool air along my center. Just like the warmth from his touch, so close, yet so far away. "Why did you fuck him?"

Is this going to be my punishment? Him bringing me to the brink of an orgasm and then taking it away from me. Even he wouldn't be that cruel. Grunting in dissatisfaction, I bare through gritted teeth, "Because I was lonely."

Quickly standing and divesting himself of his uniform, his beautiful cock springs out of its confinement. Pulling my hips forward so that my ass is teetering on the corner, he grasps my thighs and drives his cock into me. At the speed of warp, he pounds into me to the hilt. Every time he thrusts in and strokes the most delightful spot, his eyes bore into my soul as if he is searching for keys to the universe. It unnerving to feel so connected to him while the love that is usually shared between us is cooled to a shade warmer than space.

Fucking damn it! The strong desire to shut my eyes works against what I know I'm ordered to do. Biting down on my lip hard, a faint moan escapes my throat. As the metallic taste of copper helps sedate my need to succumb to this powerful wave of pleasure, I wrap my legs around his sculpted waist.

Tracing his fingers between our sweaty bodies, the pad of his thumb finds my swollen clit. Pressing and circling along my sensitive area, a fresh new wave builds within me, larger and more powerful than the last. Just as I am on the cusp of spilling over, he stops his movements altogether. Leaning over so that his hands on the table holds up his frame, he quietly asks, "Why did you fuck him?"

Pursing my lips like a petulant child, I decide to ignore his question. I have already answered it three times and if he doesn't believe me then it then that's not my fault. With my eyes still on him and my hands under my damp neck, I try to use my legs to pull him towards me. I want my orgasm, damn it, and he has cruelly denied me twice.

Smirking that annoying little smirk, he unwraps my legs from his waist and pushes my knees to the side with a slight trust of his hips. Sliding in at an excruciating slow rate, his nimble fingers return back to between my legs. Bending over and resting one hand on the table, his warm mouth descends and sweetly covers my nipple. Pulling and plugging my erect peak with his teeth, his tongue swirls around it and flicks across the rosy bud. His hips stay at an agonizing pace, however his finger and tongue works quickly.

Needing him, silently begging him to speed up, I am surprised at my body's reaction to his sexual torture. Slowly blossoming from deep within my chest, my head grows dizzy in euphoric delight as the rest of my body falls numb. If only he would go a little faster, then I would be able to reach that beautiful precipice I have been wanting to jump from since the moment he left my heart in two. Bucking my hips to encourage his pace, I am surprised to find that the same hand that is pleasuring my clit is also effectively holding my hips down.

Growling in frustration as his slow pace defiantly electrifies my body, he glances up through his perch above my breast.

Feeling trapped like a caged wild animal under the heavy blanket of this unachievable orgasm, I scream, "I fucked him because I wanted you to suffer as badly as I have been!" The air between us stills as the sharp prick of tears threatens to roll down my cheek. Choking back my sob, he stops his movements as I whisper, "I wanted you to feel my pain as I helplessly watched you fuck another woman." As one tear escapes, I leave it to marks its trail down my temple. "You fought for her in a way you never fought for me and it-" my body shivers as it tries to keep everything in, "-And it broke me. So I fucked the first man to show any interest towards me."

Feeling exhaustion rushing through my body like a tidal wave, I pull my hands out from my neck and lift myself up. I try to push him away as hard as I can. Embarrassment stings my cheeks as his body keeps me from standing, I relentlessly pound against his muscular chest as I scream, "You broke me, goddamn it! I fucking hate you!"

Grasping my wrists, he brings them down by my side and circles his arms around my body. I fight him, of course, but he doesn't let up his hold over me. After exhaustion completely overtakes my body, he kisses my forehead and whispers over and over again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Slipping my hands around his waist, I tighten my grip and ask with all of my convictions and dignity behind me, "Erase it, erase it all."

"I don't want to dominate you." His words draw a comforting trail along my forehead.

Leaning out of his embrace, I murmur, "Then love me." A look of anguish crosses his confused features when I utter my words. Palming his cheek, I sadly remind him, "You have already broken me. All I have left in me is anger, which you have already witnessed." Gently kissing his lips, I quietly offer, "I would rather have ten minutes of marital bliss with you than a lifetime of just your friendship."

Taking a deep breath, he pulls out of me and lifts me off of the table. At first I thought he was going to reject me, but when he lays me on the mattress, he spreads my knees and nudges his hips between my thighs. With his dominate persona thrown to the side, the heat between our bodies doubles as a look of love adorns his features.

Leaning over me, he nervously croaks, "I'm sorry for my actions earlier, but I had to know everything that had transpired. Knowing what you did nearly had me reverting back to my old ways and I never want to be that man again. It just doesn't feel right to have you like that when I prefer to have you like this." The slick head of his penis poises itself at my quivering entrance. "Will you forgive me?"

Feeling his empty words surround me in a loving embrace, I pretend to believe them for the sake of this experience. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I sigh a low yes along his nose before our lips exuberantly collide. A set of fireworks explodes behind my eyes as the feeling of being loved runs rampant in my heart.

Pushing through my slick and wanting barrier, he breaks from our kiss and moans along the corner of my mouth, "I know my promises don't mean anything to you after all that has happened, but I will never be with another woman as long as we are close together."

He's right, I don't believe him, but I block out the negativity as my legs circle around his waist. "No more promises, just talk to as if I am your wife."

Stopping his movements once more, something different crosses his features as his mouth forms a perfect "o". Kissing the tip of my nose, he whispers, "I'll be right back." Pulling away, he disappears around the corner.

Lifting myself up on my elbows, I am slightly more curious as to what he needs to get.

Stepping back in, a familiar thin gold chain dangles from his hand. Crawling on the mattress towards me, he lifts my left hand and slides my makeshift ring on my finger. "I couldn't tear this away from me. It's been kept close to me like a tether unwilling to leave my side."

Swiping away several tears that have fallen down my cheek, I am unable to say anything back. Reaching up, my hand circles around his neck and pulls him down into a sizzling kiss. I don't know how I am going to let go without a fight…

Easily thrusting in me with such conviction, his hand crawls into my left hand and holds it down against the mattress. Back and forth he rocks as his lips never gives up on mine. His tongue draws faint lines along the roof of my mouth with every push of his hips.

That absolute lovely feeling of total embracing tenderness ties itself around our bodies. Nothing brings me closer and harder to that ocean of bliss more than knowing that love is being shared by both of our bodies. As his thrusts become more erratic than the last, I gloriously fall head first over the precipice of desire and I willingly open my heart to its demands.

Pressing his hips into mine, he succumbs to his own powerful desire. Emptying every last drop into me, our lips stay connected, never daring each other to let go.

Sighing into the mattress, a feeling of helplessness encapsulates me when I lean out of his embrace.

Glancing up into his eyes, a look of gut-wrenching sorrow crosses his features as he stares into my heartbreaking soul. I warned him that I was going to be angry when we got to this part of the evening, but I also begged him to stay and pretend that we were making love like a married couple. Just as he is about to step back off of the bed, I grab his biceps and quickly say, "Jean Luc, you don't have to..." God, I sound so fucking desperate.

Looking up to him to help with what I want to say, a sheer look of panic cross his features before his captains mask schools them into compliance. He slowly opens his mouth to offer a hasty apology or a cruel reason as to why he is needed on the bridge.

Not wanting to give him a chance, I place my hands on his chest and push him off of me with all of the anger that is building within my veins. Feeling used and extremely exposed, I stand and march straight to my bathroom. Before I reach the door, I turn quickly on my heels and spurn, "Your reasons for not loving me are ridiculous and self-centered. You were fine with waltzing in here unannounced to dominate me into submission and punishment, but you are unable to love me for fear of me dying?" God damn it! The tears are threatening to fall as I feel my exhaustion making my mind dizzy. Staring down at the carpet, I feel the heat from his eyes boring into me. Lifting my chin as confidently as I can, I call out with a trembling lip, "You are a coward and I will no longer be your whore." Instead of feeling liberated, my heart defeatedly sags against my chest. Shaking my head, I whisper, "Please leave," before turning into my bathroom.

Leaning against the counter, my body aches for his touch, for his love. Noticing the crisscross red and blue wires around my finger, a surge of hatred seeps into my throat. Wrenching it off of my finger, I stare at its beauty resting in my palm. Gently covering the ring with my fingers, I finally allow my tears to fall.

"I love you and I find that I can't let you go." Hearing his rumbling voice behind me, I turn to find that he is still naked. Barring everything to me, he steps towards me and continues, "My intention for tonight was to discover if you had sex with Dr. Hepburn. Then I saw you come out in nothing but a robe and I wanted you. I wanted so badly that I could taste you, even in the whiskey. Then you asked me to make love to you and to treat you as my wife. How could I deny you? You are an addiction to me, my drug that I refuse to share with anyone else. You were never, in no way or shape, a whore." Pressing his body into mine, trapping me against the counter, he leans in and sighs along my neck, "I love you more than anything else in this universe and it scares the shit out of me." Letting his forehead rest against my shoulder, he murmurs, "I could…" Stopping and lifting his chin, he croaks, "I might have to send you into harm's way or order you to your death." Shuddering in fear, his eyes drop to the little space between our bodies. After a few short breaths, he looks to me for understanding, where he finds it.

Why, I know more than anyone the risks and dangers that comes with a Starfleet uniform.

Shaking his head, he quietly asks, "What if you had to leave me down on that planet at the hands of Lore and his henchmen?"

Without batting an eyelash, I give him the best answer I can come up with – the honest one. "I don't know, Jean Luc. What I do know is that I deal with things when they present themselves to me. I hate letting my mind speculate what could happen. I've been down that long dark path before and I can tell you that there is no light at the end of that depressing tunnel." Covering his cheek with my hand, I lean in and whisper, "All I can promise you is that at this precise moment I love you and I'll be damned if I let what could happen in the future dictate my happiness in the present."

Shaking his head, my hand falls back to my side. "I can't do that. I am in charge of this ship and if that means sending you in harm's way for the sake and safety of the rest of people on board-"

"-Then I will gladly do it." My interruption irritates him, but it's because he knows I'm right. "I understand what serving in Starfleet means and I am aware of its risks. If I didn't want to do it, then I wouldn't be here. However, regardless of where I could be, there is always danger lurking. So it doesn't matter if I'm on this ship in your bed or on another planet dreaming of being in your arms, I will continue to love you, despite the unknown."

Lifting my hand, he kisses my palm and whispers, "I don't know if I can face the unknown and love you at the same time." Taking a step back, he releases me from his hold.

Just as he is about to turn around, I murmur, "Then I pity you. You will live the remainder of your life as lonely as the horrible being that senselessly killed Tasha." Shaking my head, I turn away from him as a tear escapes down my cheek. Wiping it away, I clear my throat and croak, "By the end of my tour, I will transfer back to Starfleet Medical."

"Beverly, you can't-"

Looking up at his reflection in the mirror, I interject, "I can't live my life with the fear of you lurking behind me." When will he learn that he can't have his cake and eat it too? Biting my lip to keep it from trembling, I put on my brave face and, as confidently as I can, say, "If you won't let me love you, then at least let me go."

Heartbreak rips through his features as my words settles in the thick air between us.

For one split second it looks as though he is going to fight me on it, but at the last millisecond, he closes his eyes and turns to leave the bathroom.

Not wanting to see him leave, I stay rooted to my place in front of the sink. When I hear the doors open and close, I finally lose my resolve and crumble into a big heap on the floor.

..::..::..::..::..

A month later, I was still that same jumbled pile of tears with the only exception that anytime I walked out of my quarters, I put on a brave face.

Many times, Troi would come to see me to check up on me. I knew that she could sense my unhappiness despite the fake smile and bright eyes that laboriously took me an hour to put on every morning. She would try to let me talk about it, but I refused. I felt as if I betrayed our friendship, however, at the same time I didn't want to burden her or anyone else with my ridiculous drama. I needed to let him go and to move on with with as much dignity as I could muster.

Besides, the type of relationship Jean Luc and I shared was still a secret that I was only too happy to keep to myself. Despite everything he has done, I would never want his secret to get out. He's a great leader and something like that would destroy his career.

So braving a new outlook on life, I dived head deep into my duty as a CMO with the added bonus of serving on the bridge during the delta shift. Every now and then I would run a drama class or participate in Worf's calisthenics class, but majority of my focus remained on learning any and everything about ships operation.

Very rarely did I see Jean Luc unless I had to. Thinking back, he probably made sure to never visit the bridge when I was up there for my shift. He never participated in Worf's class and he certainly never came to my drama class.

Also, at that time, I began looking for potential positions on Earth. I didn't have to put in for a transfer until I was ready to, which gave me a little more time before I had to confront Jean Luc about.

I was not that same person before this volatile relationship between Jean Luc and I started, but I believed with a little time and effort I was going to get there. I believed that if we were to stay out of each other's way, the break would be clean and clear of any more heart break.

What an idiot!

It's never that simple…

..::..::..::..::..

"Shit!" Muttering under my breath as the tricorder I had been working on falls to the floor, I quickly sweep it up with my shaky hands and input the rest of the data that we need.

With Jean Luc missing, time is of the essence to find answers before the trail gets cold. He should have never gone on this dig. It was supposed to be a simple R&R with a site dig not to far away. I remember Deanna talking to me about to help fill in the awkward space of silence. He has been missing for a few weeks – weeks!- and we are just now getting to his last known whereabouts. A seedy bar close to the Ruins of Nafeer on Des-Ika II. Our plan is simple, go in as black marketers and try to gather as much information as possible, maybe even a witness if possible.

Resting the last tricorder on my desk, I allow myself time to relax against my chair. We don't have to meet in Transporter Room Five until an hour from now. With my clothing sitting on my desk next to me and a short walk to the transporter room, I should be able to have about thirty minutes to just rest for a little bit.

Ever since we found out that he was missing, I have been running non-stop to make sure that everything here is taken care of. Fearful that the worst case scenario is going to work its way into my already dreadful nightmares, I refused to rest until now. Now, exhaustion sweeps across my body as I feel sleep numb all of my senses.

"Lieutenant Worf to Dr. Crusher."

Slowly stirring from dreamless slumber, I check the chronometer to see that I now have fifteen minutes to get changed and into the transporter room. Jumping from my seat, I gather my clothes and dash to a private room next to my office. Slapping my communicator, I hurriedly respond, "Dr. Crusher here."

"Doctor, I wanted to inform you that we will be transporting to the surface from Transporter Room Two. Transporter Room Five is undergoing maintenance."

"Very well, Crusher out." Stripping myself of my uniform, I now have a longer walk since Transporter Room Two is further across the ship. Shit! Why did I allow myself to sleep without putting on an alarm?

Shoving on my civilian clothing, I rush back into my office to gather the tricorders for the away team and my weapon. Cradling all in the crook of my elbow, I swipe my hat from my desk and turn towards the door.

However, before I can take one step, I collide into something blocking my path. Dropping all of the things to the floor, my hands and chin hit a big wall of muscle in front of me before collapsing into a messy pile. Just as I am about to let out a stream of cuss words that would make Worf blush, I feel two strong hands capture my arms to pull me up.

Glancing at the man who unwisely blocked my path, I am surprised to see Will staring back at me with a curious, yet infuriating smirk. "I was coming to see if you needed any help before transporting down, however with all of the tricorders that fell onto my feet," we both look down at the mess on the floor, "I would say you've got the situation under control."

Taking a step out of his embrace, I nod curtly my head and reply, "Well, if your barrel chest didn't block my door then none of these things would have fallen, including myself." Bending down, I pick each tricorder up and examine it for any scratches. When I check that all are fine, I pick up my weapon and holster it in my concealed belt. Handing him a few to hold, I inform, "All the tricorders are ready for us to use. All we need now is a sample and hopefully it won't come to that."

Smiling a smile that doesn't reach his eyes, he blandly says, "Thank you." Moving out of the way of the door, he gallantly let's me go through before following me out. Our walk to the turbolift is then met with a comfortable silence. A mere second after the doors close, his body slightly turns towards me as he mutters under his breath, "We will find him."

Sighing under the building pressure in this confining space, I mumble back, "I hope so."

Concern clouding his handsome features, he asks, "Are you okay?"

Fluttering my eyes to gather my bearings, I plaster on a smile and say, "I'm fine. Why?"

Clasping his hands behind his back, he nervously mutters, "The last few months… I've just noticed that…" Letting out a frustrated sigh, he takes a deep breath, "You have not been yourself lately. Anytime I see you, your head is down as if you are ashamed or worse, hurting. For some reason, you have buried yourself in work and not given yourself enough time to relax." Grasping my shoulder, he softens, "I worry about you." With his hand trembling against my arm, I notice a hint of anger crossing his chocolate brown eyes. He seems a little too agitated to just be 'concerned'.

"I'm fine, Will." Even to my ears, I don't sound too convinced with my overly recited answer.

"That's not true and you know it." Taking a deep breath, he lowers his voice and asks, "Did he do anything to you?"

Understanding his implications that the 'he' Will is talking about is Jean Luc, I slowly shake my head and add, "No." Sensing his eyes raking over my body for any signs of stress or sickness, I protectively cross my arms along my chest. Slightly annoyed at his protectiveness, I tut, "Will, you don't need to act like my big brother. I've had many heartbreaks before him and I might have a few after him. I can take care of myself."

Mirroring my stance, he looks off to the side and petulantly remarks, "He promised that he wouldn't break your heart."

Rolling my eyes, I quip, "Well that's a silly thing to promise and shame on you for thinking that he was going to be able to keep that promise." He is, after all, a man with no promises kept. But I keep that to myself.

Feeling him grasp my bicep, I look to see that his agitation has turned into anguish. With a furrowed brow, he mumbles under his breath, "But he married you."

Stumbling back wanting to escape his scrutiny, my heart begins to mercilessly pound against my ears. "I… I don't know…"

Gripping my arm tighter, he whispers into my hammering ears, "Beverly, Worf overheard him speaking his wedding vows to you on the way to Celtris III." Sensing now the rage that is shaking through my muscles, he tries to quickly sooth, "There is no use getting mad at him, he told me in confidence and I had never spoke a word of it until now. And I promise that I never will. I just… I just worry about you and him. Both of you are like family and I don't want to see anyone hurt."

My temper cools into grief as the sound of his sympathy lessens the pounding in both my heart and ears. Taking a deep breath, I confess, "He… he changed his mind." Hearing my voice crack against the stale air between us, I turn back towards the door and focus on the tricorders. In truth though, I don't want him to see my eyes fill with tears. Out of childish desperation, I add, "I'm sure you know how he feels."

"Beverly-"

Stopping when the doors open, I take advantage of his silence and march towards the transporter room. I try to erase the hurt that I heard in his voice. It was a low blow and I should be ashamed of myself.

Before getting to the doors, Will takes my shoulder and pulls me back. "Beverly, I'm sorry if I upset you further, but…" Encircling me with a big bear hug, he sighs against my ear, "I'm sorry."

Sliding my arms around his waist, I squeeze him tight. "I'm sorry for worrying you," tipping my head back to look into his eyes, I murmur, "and I'm sorry for what I said back there. It was uncalled for."

"Don't ever apologize about that. I just don't want you to think that you have no one to talk to." Leaning out of our friendly embrace, he offers, "And as for your truthful remark, I earned it. I broke her heart all for the sake of my career. So I do know what he is thinking, even if I don't know the whole story." Giving me a brighter smile, he adds, "If we have dinner together, I can probably tell you why he broke your heart if you give me a chance."

Briefly thinking back to a time where he charged into Jean Luc's quarters like a bull in a china shop after Jev's mental assault, I shake my head and murmur, "Thanks Will."

Threading his finger along my cheek, he insists, "I'm serious. Or if anything, I know a great counselor that is easy to talk to on this ship. I can help you find her office."

Squeezing his hand and taking a step back, I smile my first genuine smile in a long time and graciously say, "Thank you, Will. I know my way."

Leaning in and giving me a sweet kiss on the cheek, he reminds me, "Don't forget, we are black market traders."

Feeling my muscle contort into a full blown grin, I whisper with a glint in my eye, "Who has been scorned by her lover and seeks revenge."

Giving me a dazzling smile, he adds, "It'll knock their socks off."

As we walk into the transporter room to meet with Worf and Deanna, I can't help but laugh at the irony of our made up story.

..::..::..::..::..

"Beverly?"

Refusing to turn around even to talk to my friend, I keep staring at the only picture of Jean Luc and I. It was from my wedding reception. I nearly had to beg him to take one lousy picture, but after about four drinks and a lot of teasing and persistence, he conceded. Now looking at the photo that Jack had put in a frame, I can't help but feel cheated.

Maybe I should have pushed him harder into a relationship. Maybe I should have ended it a long time ago. Maybe I should have not even started it. But now all that is gone because he is-

"Are you pregnant?"

Deanna's soft question has me turning around, the picture kept safe in my hands. Barely shaking my head, I quietly mumble, "No. That was a made up story."

Stepping a timid foot into my office, I wince at the pain crossing her features. She is suffering as well. Maybe not as much, but she is suffering. "I know you want to be alone, but I just want to let you know that you don't have to be. There are many people around you that will gladly give you a shoulder to lean on. In fact," her voice begins to break and the sound of it nearly has me in tears, "others here could probably use your shoulder to cry on."

With my lips trembling, my hand darts up towards my chest and moves over the slight bulge from around my neck. Jean Luc's ring. He left it after… after our last time together. I was going to throw it away, hell bent with moving on with my life. But I didn't have the courage to do it. Somehow I felt that if I were to throw it away, then I would throw away everything from our relationship and despite our unwillingness to fix what is broken between us, we did have some amazing moments together. Moments that I will always treasure now that he is…

Just as I see Deanna turning away in the corner of my eye, I softly call out, "I love him." Holding our picture close, I mutter, "A lot has happened in the past few months, yet, despite everything, I still love him. It's like I can still feel his presence surrounding me, begging me to call out for him."

Sitting in the chair in front of me, she whispers, "He has loved you for as long as I have known him. Grant it, it was not as powerful as it has been recently, but it was still there. In the beginning he was frightened to acknowledge it, but I think after being around each other for so long, he came to accept this love. It was like it flowed through him like a vast and mighty river, yet it gave him peace to know that his love was returned with as much passion from you."

Staring down at the picture, I quietly confess, "We secretly married each other right before our mission to Celtris III." Glancing up, Deanna's face is impassive as if she is patiently waiting for me to finish. So I did. "After coming back, he broke our relationship off citing that he couldn't love me and be my commanding officer at the same time. So I let him go and it… it was… painful." Not afraid to show my true feelings anymore, I welcome the tears to fall freely down my cheek. "I had never felt a heartbreak as deep as that with another living soul. Not even after Jack died. Now that I have finally come to the moment where I want to move on, he dies." Hugging the thin picture frame as tight to my body as possible, I confess, "I knew he loved me, but I didn't know how far that love went. And now that he is dead, I will never hear of his love from him again."

For the longest time we sit in silence staring off into different corners of my office. Neither one of us having anything to say, we comfort each other with closeness rather than words.

After a while, Deanna lifts her chin and offhandedly says, "Will is going after the people responsible. He won't stop at anything until the Captain's death is avenged."

"I will support him with whatever he needs me to do." Never backing down for my taste of revenge, I hold her gaze until she breaks the contact.

"Okay."

"Okay."

..::..::..::..::..

What a stupid, fucking idiot! Who the hell demands their way into a seedy bar and asks about missing or stolen artifacts?

Apparently, Jean Luc does. And, not only that but then also get himself caught and in the process concocts a web of lies and stories to simultaneously keep himself alive to find said artifacts.

Someone needs to cut off his Dixon Hill time in the holodeck!

Stepping into the turbolift, I can't help but feel angry at him. He could have died for the sake of stupid, old artifacts. Grant it, it made weapon that could kill millions with just a thought, but still. For a long while after learning that he was confirmed dead, I could barely do anything but breathe. However, after rudely finding out that he's alive and playing some real life 'Dixon Hill' drama bullshit, I hoped with all of my heart that he would come back alive to us so that I could kill him instead. Rolling my eyes, what a fucking—

Feeling the swish of the turbolift doors opening, I lift my head from my internal rantings to find the primary source of said ranting staring back at me. For a split second, the air in this tiny compartment decompresses and all I can do is hold my breath. Held captive by his stormy eyes, I briefly wonder if he can hear my heart pounding against my chest.

Taking a timid step in between me and the metal wall, his murmurs his destination, "Bridge."

The unique sound of his deep voice resuscitates my lungs into breathing once more. Moistening my lips with my dry tongue, pure elation fills my heart and then spreads through my body like wildfire. He is alive.

Feeling hot tears prick the back of my eyes, I glance up towards the ceiling to blink them back. Biting the bottom of my lip, the heat between our close bodies escalates. Reaching out with my fingers, I let out a surprised sigh when his needy fingers grasp mine. Interlocking our fingers together, a tear escapes and marks a path down my cheek. He is alive.

Slowly turning my head so that I am looking at him, I moisten my dry throat and take a deep breath.

However, before I can speak, the doors open again and I find Willand Worf standing behind Yranac, the informant that helped us in the seedy bar. Quickly letting go, we step away from each other to allow them access. Wiping away the tear with a flick of my finger, I tightly cross my arms along my chest and stare down at the carpet.

The silent air in this stuffed lift is palpable at best, heavy with unspoken words.

At least until Yranac speaks, "So you're the despicable man who knocked up this man's sister." His voice is low and sinister like a lion waiting to strike.

Turning towards the scene, it's like an accident happening in slow motion yet I can't move a muscle to stop it.

Facing the alien, Jean Luc drily says, "Excuse me."

Just as they come face to face, Yranac pulls his arm back and punches Jean Luc square on the cheek. "As a man with a sister, you are a disgusting piece of filth."

Falling against the wall, Jean Luc grasps his jaw before pushing himself up.

Both Will and Worf clamber to hold Yranac back, but it doesn't stop his big mouth. "You got her pregnant and then decided to leave her at her most vulnerable. I hope you rot in Narnic." When the doors finally open, my one savior finishes the deed by spitting in Jean Luc's face.

Scrambling to push him out, Will turns around horrified and stammers a hasty apology, "I'm so sorry, Captain. It was… It was just a…"

Rubbing his bruised face, he commands just as the doors are about to close, "I don't care, Commander. Just get him off my ship."

The doctor in me takes over as I step in front of him. Wiping the yellowish-green spit from Jean Luc's nose, I gently grip his chin so that I can get a better look at his cheek.

Grasping my wrist, he demands, "Computer, halt." Feeling the soft hum of the machinery stop under my feet, he threads his fingers through my hair and to the base of my neck. "Are you pregnant?"

I can't help but quip, "Will knowing stop you from being an idiot?"

Gritting his teeth and taking a measured breath, he repeats, "Are you pregnant?"

Pressing my lips into a thin, white line, I close my eyes and slowly shake my head. Opening my eyes, I thought I would see happiness or even relief staring back at me, but instead I see his brow furrowed in deep thought.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have…" The sorrow dripping from his voice stops him from finishing his sentence.

Knowing that he is talking about the night he came in to my quarters, I crossly interrupt, "No, you shouldn't have." The weight of his body pressed against mine and the way he made my heart quiver every time his fingers ghosted along my heated skin makes my mind heavy with burning desire. Reasoning, he shouldn't have come, but I wouldn't have changed it for the universe. Subconsciously, my hand reaches to the hidden golden chain around my neck. "I miss you." Again, it's been a long time since we have allowed ourselves to go down this treacherous road and, in the end, I know I will be heartbroken once more, but I can't help but tell him how I feel.

Catching the movement of my hand under his watchful eyes, he reaches out and let's his fingers thread through my own. "I love you." His soft words silence any and every thing in my head. "I promised myself that if I were to ever make it out alive, that I would tell you when I saw you."

I blanket myself with the love he professes, however, a chilly wind sweeps across my heart. My mind, which these days is not easily swayed by his romantic gestures, chastises that he can use all of the words he likes, but it's his actions that will show his true feelings. "And, yet, you still won't commit to a relationship?" My harsh words sting but I don't like being yanked around on his chain.

Letting his hand fall down to his side, the loss of contact temporarily leaves me numb. "She said that this would happen when I talked to her before I left for the archaeology dig and she-"

Wait… "Who?"

Biting his lip, he murmurs, "Rosalind. She said that maybe-"

"Wait a minute," holding up my hand in between our bodies, he takes a sloppy step back as if I forced him by sheer telekinetic powers, "you still talk to the bitch who has mentally and emotionally abused you? And worse, you are actually considering her advice?!"

"She can give rather good-"

Throwing my hands in the air, I once again roll my eyes at his stupidity. "Seriously?! The same woman who said, you don't deserve to love, that you are incapable of having a loving relationship that is not based off of whips and chains. That woman?"

"You may not agree with her-"

Crossing my arms tight along my chest, I mutter under my breath, "That's an understatement."

Louder, he reiterates, "You may not agree with her on some things, but I do."

"So you love me and want to marry me, but you are incapable of following through because someone says you shouldn't based off of her own twisted and demented intuition." Rolling my eyes, I vehemently ask, "You know what she wants, right?" At his profound silence, I fill in the blanks for him, "She wants you back in her dungeon."

Slowly shaking his head, he disagrees, "No, she has not expressed wanting to-"

"You know, for a Starfleet Captain, you are looking pretty dense right now." Grabbing his shoulders with both of my hands, I sternly say, "She wants to fuck you so badly, she can taste it. Of course she wants you to leave me. Leaving ensures her status in your life."

Confusion settling across his features, he weakly says, "But she doesn't know who you are."

Shaking his shoulders, I yell, "Does that make a difference? She knows that we love each other and that threatens everything she has built with you." Still not convinced of her trickery, I ask, "When you told her of the wedding vows we made to each other, what did she say?"

"She said that loving and marrying you would put my role as your commanding officer at stake."

"And you believed her because you take your command seriously. However, what she didn't tell you is that she knows that too. She played into you weakness of losing someone you love. And you fell for it hook, line, and sinker."

"I didn't fall for anything other than your love. Everything that I have said is true." His fingers trace along my cheeks as he take a step towards me. With the tip of our noses barely touching, he confesses, "The truth is, is that if I had to choose between saving you or the ship, I would choose you in a heartbeat." His words hangs in the air between us, his obvious guilt encasing and trapping his body.

"Jean Luc-"

Barely lifting his stormy eyes, he quietly adds, "Moreover, if someone else were at the hands of your death, then I would stop at nothing to exact my revenge, and I would not be able to rest until all parties would be held responsible." Silently pleading for me to understand, he reiterates, "As a man with unlimited means at my disposal, I would murder them in cold blood and not once regret my decision."

His chilling voice, which is devoid of any and all emotions, has me taking a frightened step back.

Not ready to let me go, he pulls me towards him. I can feel his body trembling against mine as he barely whispers, "Can't you see, you are my weakness. I think of you every moment of my life because I cannot imagine a universe without you. My biggest fear isn't losing a friend. My biggest fear is losing you."

My goodness… Feeling the pinch of a headache making its way into my frontal lobe, I circle my arms around his waist and murmur against his chest, "Then you know without your commitment to love, you have already lost me." The most heart wrenching thing is, is that I would do the same for him, because love is not love unless it is worth dying for. Reaching behind my neck, I unclasp the necklace and lay it in his palm. "I love you and I always will. I hope one day, we will be able to freely live with our love rather than hide it away in the dark." Stepping out of his embrace, I look towards the ceiling and command, "Computer, resume turbolift." Feeling the tick-tock beating of my heart pounding against my chest, I know we are getting close to my stop when I confess, "You would be an amazing father."

When the doors open, I take a quick step out as I hear him mutter, "Beverly, I'm-"

Whatever else he said falls on deaf ears when the doors slide close.


Please don't hate me... I promise that it has to get bad before it gets better. And it will be getting better soon!