Boo, I'm back and completed the challenge I did in November! Thing is, things for this story has taken a different turn than originally, so updates for this story may be slow. On the plus side, the other backstory has about 3-4 chapters to go until it's finished, and I'll post here once I get updating the chapters one by one! Thank you everyone for your support, and hope you continue to stick around!

IX. A Small But Noticeable Turn

We still had to do missions with other people, and it was always the case that I would hit countless Heartless with the sitar when I had to fight. On other times, I was forced on my own. Valitus never failed to laugh at me, echoing in my head and bouncing between my ears.

Honestly, you couldn't even do that? It's a good job I'm with you. I'll be there to fight for you – it's obvious you're not up for it.

That was more or less what he said every time. And I would, fully aware that it would work out better if I wasn't doing the fighting. As I thought, I wasn't cut out for it.

"Look what the cat dragged in," Xigbar greeted as I returned from yet another mission with Lexaeus. The trip was near silent, but I didn't mind it in the slightest.

I flashed a grin. "Xiggy! Nice of you to wait!"

Xigbar arched an eyebrow. "Did I just hear that?" He exchanged a look with Lexaeus, who just shrugged and went on his way to Vexen pouring over his research again.

"I'm not allowed to? It's so much easier to say though."

Xigbar burst out laughing. "You're lazy in so many aspects. You're impossible."

I held up my hand into a V, winking as I did so. "You know me too well. Hey, are you busy? Let's do something fun tonight!"

He ruffled my hair. "You just got back. Isn't it a rule for you to take a nap afterwards?"

"I don't feel like it today," I whined, hooking my arms around his and resting my head against his shoulder. I vaguely recalled Axel do something similar to Saix before – I didn't feel anything though. Nobodies didn't even have body temperature. "Can we wind down someplace? I could perform for you if you want."

"Stop the act, it's making me sick," a voice said behind me, and I nearly jumped out my skin. Should have figured that Xaldin would have returned from his mission at the same time as me and Lexaeus…even though his mission was harder and he left after us…

"Xaldin, you know the younger generation prefer to hold onto anything, no matter how ridiculous."

Xaldin scoffed. "As in you?"

"As if!" Xigbar retorted. "Attachment as a whole. The false security that Nobodies have hearts."

I frowned, taking my arms off his and letting my thoughts of a fun evening dissolve. What was wrong with showing affection? What was wrong with stimulating myself after a painfully quiet mission? And what do you mean my false security – I know that we have hearts, and Valitus agrees with me!

"That is the trend," Xaldin agreed. "Next time either of us play hide-and-seek with a possible new member, we're recruiting someone older and hopefully with a few brain cells."

Was there something wrong with me? "What does he mean?" I asked Xigbar.

"We received orders from the Superior himself to find new members as an on-going mission. Having more members is the way forwards here."

I folded my arms. "Even though Vexen's no closer to finding out about Kingdom Hearts?"

Xigbar looked over his shoulder to the scientist in question, who was handing wads of paper at a time at Lexaeus, who had apparently left our side without me noticing. "He'll get there in the end, the man's a genius. He just likes to take his time."

"That's only because he's got ten other things going on in the background," Xaldin snapped. "Who knows what he's up to? I've said countless times we need to keep a firmer eye on his progress."

I looked between the two, slightly confused. Was that Vexen's dark corner, the way Valitus was mine?

"And I've said no equally as much. If anyone's going to get our hearts back, it's Vexen."

We already have them, can't you see?

"Let the crazy scientist do his stuff, but if I find him diverting his attention elsewhere, I won't be best pleased. And you know that's not pretty."

Vexen doesn't need to do any sort of research! The suspicion of him can be cured if you realised we all already have hearts.

The words never came out though. It was right at the tip of my tongue, but all I could do was watch the conversation bounce between the two and stare like an idiot. I didn't belong there, with them looking for their 'heart'. Was it so hard for them to see something that was right in front of them?

I wanted them to know. Desperately.


You really think you have a heart.

You don't think so?

Despite everything you said before, it still stands that Nobodies have no hearts. I can't let you live this illusion anymore.

I rolled over onto my side, putting the pillow over my head. I could tell this wasn't going to be like the other conversations we had had.

Maybe we don't have physical hearts, but we still have certain qualities.

Didn't you say that you wanted proof? How could a gut feeling be proof if you don't even know if it is real?

It's not a gut feeling. It's what I've come to realise. It's just that no one else has awakened yet.

Was that why you didn't say anything to Xigbar and Xaldin, even when there was a big opportunity? Because you didn't want them to 'awaken', as you put it?

I pressed my eyes closer together, to the point they hurt.

It's not that. This sort of thing isn't something that an outsider can talk to you about. It has to come from within. It wouldn't mean anything if I told them what I think – I want someone to notice without me telling them. I don't think Xaldin appreciates such a topic anyway.

Gut feeling is a trick of the brain. Nothing more.

Valitus was getting annoyed, I could tell. If he was a real person, I would have wanted nothing more than to run away and get as far away from him as possible. But he was always with me – escape was impossible.

If you want proof, how come you never approached Vexen once afterwards? He's the one who has all the information about how to get them back. It would be quite pointless research if what you're saying is true, wouldn't you agree? Surely you would want to start from the basics, and then bounce off?

This is my life. I want to think for myself.

Bad thing to say.

Are you saying I think for you? Then why are you resisting? If I am thinking for you, then you would know already that we don't have hearts. I am you – deep down, you know that it's impossible for us to experience something as glorious as emotions. But you don't want to face the music – instead, you cover your ears and turn away. Such a response only implies that you're oblivious, in awe of the mirage you've created for yourself. We don't have hearts, say it once and believe it.

After a pause, he adopted a gentler tone.

Because that is the truth.

"We do have hearts!" I shouted, sitting up and pulling at my messy hair. The pain shot through the roots and I couldn't feel anything except that. I breathed heavily, narrowing my eyes as I fought for my cause. "I don't care what you think, and this is the only thing I can't agree with you! We have hearts, I just know it!"

I blubbered out a lot of things along those lines for a while. I couldn't hear Valitus at all, but I wanted to drown out whatever remarks he had. I didn't know if it was false security, but I didn't want to be wrong. Not this time. After spending years in others' hands, I wanted to fight for something I valued. And the 'heart' was the only thing that kept me going.

"Hey, something happen?"

My hands still clutched onto the top of the mullet, my face so contorted I doubt I would even be able to recognise myself if I caught myself in a reflective surface.

I turned my head at Axel standing at the doorway. "You were making a lot of noise, so I thought I should check up on you." His eyes fell on my hands, which I withdrew to my lap.

"I was…um…Nothing."

Axel cocked his head. "Right."

"Don't you ever get those days where you just want to scream?" I laughed nervously, hoping to ease the atmosphere.

"Right," he said again. "Maybe you could do it another time, or outside. I'm trying to get some sleep."

"Sorry, won't happen again."

Axel left without another word, probably realising how much of a lunatic I was. Regardless of the interruption, I was still overwhelmed my frustration and desperation. I was glad that he imposed on us, for my brain was starting to make relative sense.

I thought I could trust you. Just once, can't you do the same to me?

He didn't say anything, but I knew he was still there. Still fingering the back of my crazy brain and finding the best way to penetrate its walls. Like it was hard anyway.

I can't let you go on like this.

Why do you need me when you have the echoes of emotions you can cling onto?

That was the last thing Valitus said to me that night. And I could tell by the bitter note that he wouldn't have it any other way.