Waking up on the floor in Kyle's room is something that is going to take a while to get used to. Apparently Ms. Broflovski was going to drop off some pillows, blankets, or some other shit, but she never did. Kyle wasn't in the room, so I guessed he was at school. I went over to the closet to find some clothes to put on and I grabbed my typical red coat, yellow mittens, and knit cap. I didn't know where he stuffed my jeans, so I decided I'd just wear the same ones I was wearing.
I got in the bathroom, tossed the clothes down next to the shower and took off my clothes. The mirror stared at me and I tried to avoid it, but there was no use. It consumed me in shame. Have I actually done anything positive in my life? Seems like the only thing I've actually done in life is get fucked, eat, and whine like a fucking baby. I stepped in the shower and spent a minute trying to figure out how to work the god damn shower. The water was warm and I embraced it. I didn't want to get out of the shower because that meant I would have to go back and face the cold death weather. I'm truly sick of these snow storms that seem to be the center of all bleakness.
But eventually I did get out of the shower. I dried off with one of the towels under the sink and put all my clothes on while trying to avoid the mirror. Once I got everything on, I went into the kitchen in search of food. There was nothing interesting in the fridge or freezer. While I was in the pantry searching for food Sheila Broflovski came up to me and said, "Its Friday. Kyle went to school and we didn't wake you up because we knew you probably needed some time before going back."
It was strange so see that big fat bitch actually care about how I feel. "Thanks", is all I could say back to her.
"I'm guessing you can't find any food. Is there any place you have in mind you want to stop by to get food? I could also pick up some stuff from the grocery store."
"City Wok would be nice."
"Alright. We can go over there. I'm making a list of groceries. Anything in particular you want?"
I turned around to actually look at her and answered, "I'm craving rainbow flavored ice cream right now. And cigarettes."
"I can get you some of that Ice Cream later tonight, but I won't buy a sixteen year old a pack of cigarettes."
That was kind of obvious. Eventually I would need to visit Kenny to pick up a pack or two. I followed Sheila out to the car in the garage and got in the passenger seat. She had this golden Star of David thing hanging from her rearview mirror. I wondered how she would react if she saw the necklace that I have hanging from my neck. The ride to City Wok was silent. When we got there she asked, "What do you want?"
"Double sized spicy yakitori with an extra-large coca cola."
She got out of the car and headed in. I sat in boredom waiting for the food until I could hear some type of ticking noise from the back of the car. Five minutes had passed and the fucking thing, whatever it was, was still ticking. I unbuckled my seatbelt, and pulled myself over to see what it was.
It was Scott Tenorman laid out on the backseats bleeding all over the seats. I pulled myself back and tried to focus the image out of my head while I could hear him screaming, "You fucking killed me you fucking bastard! You deserved to be raped. You deserve it all over again you fucking monster!"
"Shut the fuck up", I yelled with my hands over my eyes. The tears wouldn't stop and I as much as I knew this was just another one of my hallucinations, I knew he was right.
The car door opened and Sheila put the bag of food in the back where Scott's body was. "Eric", she mumbled. "Is something wrong?"
I said softly, "I'm fine."
When we got back to the house I took my food into Kyle's room for privacy. I didn't really like being looked at when I would pig out. Especially if it's by someone even fatter than me. I jumped on the bed, opened the box of food slowly, and sat my soda on the nightstand.
"How did it feel", Scott said opening the bedroom door. "To have your mother watch men pound your ass until it started bleeding?"
"Fuck off."
I took the plastic fork and took a bite of my food. The hallucinations started about a week after I had killed him. He was fucking everywhere and wanted control over my brain. "Look at you fucking eat", he laughed. "You fat fucking faggot."
He was making me lose my appetite, even over how hungry I was. So instead I decided to just seal the box back up and toss at it at Scott. Of course it just went through him and slammed against the wall. I grabbed my cup of soda, pulled the lid off, and started downing it down my throat. It was halfway gone when I stopped. Scott came up to me as I stood up off the bed.
"Where do you think you're going", he asked. "How about you go into the bathroom and split your throat open?"
I ignored him and walked out of the room, down the hallway, and out of the house. Sheila was probably going to give me hell when I get back, but I couldn't sit in that fucking house with him around. My teeth chattered as I walked down the sidewalk in the snow.
When I got down the block a car pulled up to me. It was Kenny's father. He rolled down the window and said, "You need a ride?"
"Actually, I was heading to your house. Hoping that Kenny was skipping school today so I could chill with him."
"Well, you're in luck. Get in."
I watched my step on the ground and made sure I didn't slip on my ass while walking to the car. I got in and there were two kids in the backseat. They seemed around six or seven years old and were both girls. I asked, "Who are they?"
"Fuckin' sister's kids", he said pulling out a cigarette. I bummed one off him and lit my cancer stick with a lighter he gave me. For some reason I thought of what the jew said about cancer. Not that I was considering to quit smoking, but just because death seemed real nice right now. When we got up to the house the two girls immediately got out of the car. I was about to open the car door, but Stuart McCormick stopped me and said, "I heard about your mother and I'd like to say that I'm sorry for your loss. She was a good woman."
I got out of the car and didn't look back at him. I didn't give a rat's ass if he said my mom was good or if he fucking cured cancer. He raped my best friend and his own son. There was no way I was giving him any fucking respect. I rushed up to Kenny's room as quick as I could and tried to avoid the rest of his family from bothering me.
He was flat out lying on the floor hugging his bong. "Uh, hey Kenny", I said. "I'm not interrupting you am I?"
"Nah, man", he replied blowing smoke out. "You doing ok?"
I sat next to him and pulled the bong from his hands and took a hit. This is what I needed more than anything right now – pot and Kenny. He leaned up against his bed and pulled a bottle of whiskey from under his bed. I answered, "No. He won't get out of my head, Kyle loves me, and I'm confused about something."
"Which is?"
"If what happened to me is really rape if I like men."
He moved closer to me and took a shot of the whiskey. Then he ran his head through his hair and said, "You had no control over them. Plus, I'm sure you didn't know what you're sexuality was until after it ended. I know where you're going with this and I've been there before. It's not your fault."
Then I just had to push it and say, "And Scott wasn't?"
"Cartman", he groaned. "You know I don't like talking about him with you, but I'll say this because I'm your friend; I'm sure you had your reasons for what you did to him and there were probably not many choices for you. I know you want to seem like some tough fucker, but I can see that you're a caring person deep inside. I still can't picture you being a mass murderer, so the fact that you're actually remembering it on a daily basis means you do have emotion and feelings. Kyle called me during lunch at school and said that you should really take that offer on getting a therapist."
"Kenny, don't."
"I'm just saying that it's not a bad idea."
"I've got to go", I told him. "Maybe I'll visit tomorrow."
It was an asshole move for me to just leave his house without even saying thanks for the advice or even goodbye. But then again, that's exactly who I am. I'm an asshole and it's not like I've ever changed.
Halfway back to Kyle's house I decided that tonight would be the night. Scott was right. I needed to just end it all already. I told myself that this would be the last walk in the snow for me. There would be no suicide note, just a boy in a puddle of his own blood in one of his friend's bathrooms.
I reached the house, opened the door and sped to the restroom. Kyle had this new set of razors just sitting out in one his cabinets that he used for shaving. I took the package apart and took one of them out.
"Finally", Scott's voice whispered into my ears. "There's no turning back now."
My left hand dragged the blade down my right arm and I cancelled the pain from my mind. The crimson blood was pouring out and its color was so rich that I wanted to just see more. And more I saw. I fell to my knees, looked up towards a leak in the ceiling and said, "I'm sorry."
