3/9/16

Making some edits and chapters are a little off number. Working on this story again, Bear with me :)

-LL


CPOV

Right now I need distance. I need to be alone and work and run and feel like fucking Christian Grey again. So, just like a standard business trip, here I am this morning, waking up alone in a hotel bed with Taylor in the adjoining suite. I lay here feeling restless and can sense a part of me that's ready to have him call for the jet to head back to Seattle, away from this bazaar situation entirely. I wanted her so badly and I was so sure her lifestyle wouldn't scare me away. And actually, I was right… I've enjoyed and embraced the title quite nicely, so I don't believe it's the Dom/sub aspect that has me wanting to run. Unless it really is solely her submission that has me feeling... things. What I do know is that I'm not thinking clearly and I'm not sure I can fully separate her from this arrangement. I realized last night while Ana talked with me, how easy it would be to lose myself in this. Now I can see how quickly it's already fucking happening. And that can't happen.

I laid on top of her last night and watched her fall asleep. I felt her breathing slow and a peacefulness come over her delicate face. She looked so beautiful I could hardly stand the sight. I intertwined her small hand in mine and felt myself wanting to stay like that indefinitely. And I almost did because the fucking gravity I feel towards her is that strong. It's fucking terrifying. But when she tried to touch my scars, my reaction was a clear reminder that even in the moment of enjoying her the most, and feeling so profoundly and unprecedentedly close to another human, things could never work in the long run. I was broken inside by the things that were done to me as a child. The way things ended between Elena and I is pure proof of that, and something I will never let repeat itself. So, as quietly as I could, I lifted myself from her and tried to leave the bed without waking her, which didn't work as well as I'd hoped.


While I sit at the desk in my hotel room, I reply back to an email from Ros regarding a current merger that has us both frustrated and wound up, my phone rings with Anastasia's number. I quickly reach to answer it, without even a hint of hesitation.

"Grey," I say, unable to drop the CEO persona in time.

"Hello, Christian."

"Good morning, Ana." I say with a sigh. Her voice is like silk and already I can feel that gravity again.

"I was wondering if I should expect you back today or if you've had your fill already?" In my stomach I feel a tug of guilt. Her voice, though she's trying to hide it, carries a tone of hurt and insecurity I've not heard from her before. And it's not without cause. In reality, her fear is quite close to being realized.

"Anastasia, I have some work I need to attend to. I may be back this afternoon but I can't be sure."

"I understand… I'm gonna spend the day with a friend then so I'll leave a copy of the contract for you to review if you're still interested in all this." She pauses and I hear her sigh. "Otherwise, it was nice knowing you." she says with the slightest giggle and abruptly hangs up. I know I shouldn't be brushing her off but her reaction is only a testament to why I'm doing it.

No emotions my ass! She's already as wrapped up as I am.

Normally I would end things right now. There's no point in stringing this along. I remember thinking before that fucking a girl more than once inevitably leads to this. Only this time, maybe she's feeling attached, but mostly it's me that's crossed that line.


APOV

I hang up on him because I don't want to hear him actually tell me he's done. He's pulling away and though I'm not terribly surprised, I'm certainly not happy about it. Christian's potential is limitless, and if he would only let go of what's holding him back, we could go so far together. And actually, I realized last night during our scene, that I'm not sure I want to provide him with too much more information on the 'standard M. O.' of BDSM. He has a pure undiscovered gift and I feel that if I just let him take us along using his own instincts, it could create a very unique and beautiful world for the two of us. Of course, I'll have to still guide him through a few more things but he's been mostly apprised of the critical aspects. The last thing I feel I should cover before turning him loose is set up a scene where I'm completely restrained in every way and urge him to really engage in impact play. That way, he's felt what it means to have complete control, and what responsibility that requires. With that scene, I'll also need to talk to him about subspace and how to recognize and take care of a sub who's gone there. It would be an unnecessary risk for me to allow that to happen without Christian being educated on how to handle it.

With hope hanging on that he'll not run from this, I leave the contract in the mailbox and head off to meet Kate. When I called, she was happy to meet for lunch and then go along with me to a film pre-screening I need to attend. The DP is someone I'm considering working with on my next project so I need to get caught up on his recent work. Kate's so great to take to something like this because she never holds back a thing. She speaks her mind and I absolutely love that about her. If ever I need a real opinion on my work or anything else, she's the one I go to.

When I get to the restaurant, Kate's already there, looking lovely as ever with her long blonde hair and classic beauty. She stands and hugs me warmly as I walk to her and I can feel how much we've missed each other. We were so close at one point but her and I have both been pretty successful in our careers. Unfortunately, I've learned that highly successful people rarely maintain their personal relationships all that well. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I've gravitated to BDSM, as a way to remain separated from the responsibility of personal relationships…


CPOV

As much as I don't want to, I feel at some point, I'll need to talk with Dr. Flynn about this prospective arrangement. I've discussed my sex life with him a couple of times in the past but only because he's so frequently pressed the issue with me since discovering my choice to never become involved. But in my opinion, I have more important issues to address, such as moving on from the total and absolute neglect I suffered from my drug addict mother, the abuse I constantly endured from her piece of shit pimp, and spending four days alone and without any food. And then there's the dreams, where I remember the real fucked up shit I would normally block out. Dreams where I watch countless faceless johns fuck her on the couch while I hide under the kitchen table, where I cover my ears to try and muffle the sound of her screaming and struggling while he's taking her life, where I can vividly smell house on the fourth day and still feel how hungry I am despite the awful stench.

I run my hands through my hair, pulling roughly as I go. The frustration, anger, and self loathing I feel recollecting that shit for even one second is enough to drop me to the absolute bottom of hell. And there in lies my problem. No matter how amazing the family that took me to raise, no matter how much love I see pour from their eyes, no matter how much fucking money and power I amass, I'm still born out of the scourge of the earth. And if having a prostitute mother and no way in fuck of knowing who your father is isn't bad enough, then all the shit that came after surely sealed the deal for me. I never stood a snow flakes' chance in hell at being okay, at having a normal life, at feeling actual human emotions. The best I can do now is keep my darkness to myself and not cause others pain because of the pain that was done to me. If I continue to get so involved with Anastasia, I can be sure that I wont spare her that pain.

Despite the knowledge of my own depravity, the thought of leaving LA this moment and never seeing her again just isn't bearable. So selfishly, I deny what I know and reach for my phone to text her anyway.


APOV

Christian Grey - So where is this contract I need to review?

As we make our way back to the car after a fucking god-awful screening, I see His text come across my phone. I smile like an idiot and of course Kate notices. Not much got past her in college but now absolutely nothing does, a blessing for her and sometimes a curse for those around her I feel.

Ana Steele - I left it in a sealed envelop in the mailbox.

I respond, more than relieved that he's decided to at least consider continuing. Kate persistently gives me her inquisitive stare, even once were in the car and driving back toward the restaurant to get her car.

"I can't talk about it Kate, you know how it goes!" Kate has long been privy to my lifestyle, especially since living with Jax, I had to let her in on a little bit or else close her out completely, which I wasn't willing to do. Jax already knew her and trusted me enough to trust her. But now she's gotten used to getting the details, even though she knows that's not the typical situation.

"Fine, but if things get serious, I'm gonna know him eventually."

"There is no such thing as getting serious with these arrangements. And, you are getting seriously ahead of this particular situation, I promise you." She rolls her eyes and mutters "sure I am…"

Fucking Kate! Why do you notice everything?

Christian Grey - I'd like to review this with you in person, Anastasia. When will you be returning home?

With Christian's reply, my heart instantly begins to race with excitement. It's an odd reaction for me to be this overjoyed about a man but I attribute it to the pleasure I've found in teaching someone about this lifestyle. I've always been with and around experienced people in the community and the chance to share it with someone for the first time is really quite amazing. Once I drop Kate at her car, I text him back, heart still racing and eager to see him again.

Ana Steele - Soon, Sir. I wouldn't dream of keeping you waiting


CPOV

Once I see her pulling up to the house, with the contract in my hand, I send Taylor off with instructions to collect my things from the hotel and prepare to leave by 8 pm tonight. As much as I want to stay, I also really want to leave. I made the choice to come back here tonight but I'm still not sure of it was the right one. Ana meets me at the door with bright beaming eyes and biting her delicious bottom lip.

"I'm glad you're here." She says before opening the door for us. I'm not sure what to say in response so instead, I remain silent, following her into the kitchen as she pours us each a glass of wine. Once she's seated next to me, I lay the contract on the table between us.

"I'm curious, why did you want me to go over this now? I recall you telling me it would take a while to figure out the details." After a sip of wine and a hesitant sigh, she picks up the contract and sets it off to the side, out of reach.

"I did say that, I know. And to be honest, I'm not actually interested in the particulars of the contract. Mostly, I'm just wanting you to say yes."

"Yes to what exactly?" I keep my expression impassive but in my head, my fear of what she might say has me halfway to the front door.

"To making me yours." She says with the sweetest of grins, her eyes begging for something more. It makes me want her so badly, bad enough to give her the fucking world right now, anything she wants. But ever-present in my mind, I'm reminded that I'm not capable of giving anyone anything, besides my only asset, money. And that most certainly isn't what she's asking me for right now.

"Anastasia, you told me this would be an arrangement without emotions." My tone is harsh, as I'm almost angry with her for causing this inner turmoil I'm feeling. She's managed to place me in a situation that I've completely avoided until now. To want something so much and know you can't have it. My life has been spent focusing and obtaining the things I want, not lingering on the shit I'm not capable of changing. "In the short time we've spent together, it already feels like there's much more to it than simply sex." With this, she smiles even more and this instantly makes me irate. She senses my irritation so she stands and takes my hand, leading us down the hall into the playroom. Even though I know I should probably leave, I don't feel capable as I watch the hypnotizing sway of her hips as she walks. So instead, I sit on the red leather sofa like she asks and watch as she kneels in front of me. In an instant, I feel calmer and I realize she did this on purpose. She wanted me to feel in control because she knew I needed it.

You beautiful girl… You do seem to know me so well already.

"Christian, I do understand your concern, but I'm actually glad you feel that way. I had the same issue when I first began. I always felt that I was falling for my Dom, but trust me when I tell you, that's just the Dom/sub bond. It's deep and real, and more so, its necessary for this to work. But it has nothing to do with the traditional concept of being in love, only being connected. Try to remember that I'm satisfying something in you Christian, and you do the same for me as well. The connection we feel is because you're a strong and competent force for me to follow, and so I'm a devoted and loyal possession for you to enjoy. That is certainly not 'simply sex,' as you say." She looks up at me from under her long lashes and bites her lip... again, causing me to want to give in and just take her now, hard. I reach my hand out and pull her lip from her teeth so that I can think.

"Ana, I want this with you, I do. I just need you to know that I'm not capable of… more. Of that, I'm certain and I don't want to end up hurting you."

"Well... rest assured Mr. Grey, that's not the way in which you should worry about hurting me," she says as she gracefully stands and then crawls across the sofa and then across my legs until positioned perfectly over my lap, her ass sticking up and begging to be spanked. Slowly, as I surrender my convictions, I begin to stroke and palm her. She sighs quietly while I lift her silky light dress to reveal a very tiny pair of black thong panties. I then lift the center string and run my finger up and down it's length.

"These are for me, I assume?"

"Yes, Sir." She replies confidently. I instantly pull them down and lift each knee until I can pull them off entirely, then hang them in front of her face.

"You didn't know I would be here tonight Anastasia and still, this barely existent piece of fabric is what you chose to wear out of the house today?"

"...Yes Sir." She replies, now with hesitation, realizing that I didn't ask because they pleased me. I asked because I find them inappropriate. I stuff them into my shirt pocket and then instantly land an incredibly hard smack across her ass, the sound echoing through the room. She moans loudly, the way I've learned she does with this activity.

"Thank you, Sir." she manages to say between already rapid breaths. Again, I spank her hard in the exact spot as the first. She moans even louder and then again offers her thanks. This continues for several minutes, as I switch from cheek to cheek, maintaining my firm blows. Eventually, after at least 30, as her moans become more and more desperate, I look down and I notice her whole body is flushed and glistening with a sheen of sweat. I place a finger over her crease to find her drenching wet, as her moans would've suggesting. I slowly slide that finger into her and her body jerks in pleasure. She's already so close to cumming that I pull out and smack her ass even harder but, opposite of my intention, she cries out loudly and asks me to cum.

"No!" I reply reflexively, and in that moment I understand why it seems to be customary for the sub to ask first. I'm not fucking done with her and I still want her needy. I grab her hair into my fist and turn her head to look at me. "You are NOT to cum Anastasia! Do you understand?"

"Yes Sir," she replies with that ever present knowing grin of hers. The more we interact, the more I realize that those looks aren't borne of arrogance, they come from her pride in me. That thought makes a part of me feel more complete then I can ever recall, though I'm not sure why.

With my erection threatening to kill one of us without relief from it's confinement soon, I lift her up and stand, walking her quickly toward the bed. I, not so gently, push her backward and crawl on top of her. I pull her dress up and over her head, realizing she isn't wearing a bra. As I stand back again, I turn her partially over just enough to deliver one hell of a last spanking for the missing bra. I undress as fast as grace will allow and straddle her once again, locking both of her hands in one of mine and then reaching down to stroke myself. While I continue my own pleasure, I lean down close to her ear.

"I came back here today, Anastasia, because I'm incapable of leaving you alone." I say to her, groaning as I feel her heavy breath causing her hard nipples to lightly graze my chest. "I have to have you. I can't go back to fantasizing." I say and I lift up just enough to enter her oh so tight and warm center. She gasps loudly and as I snake my arms under her and up to hold her face, I groan with her on each forceful thrust, unable to control the animal-like possession I feel over her right now. "You are MINE, Anastasia."

"Yes I'm... Yes..." She struggles to continue but her body is in control right now, not her brain.

"Cum for me," I whisper in her ear. I need to feel this. Inexplicably, right now I need this like I need air to breath. I need to feel her cum around me and know that she's mine. "Cum for me, Ana!" I demand this time. So she does. I feel her tighten her grip on my shoulders and that heavenly pulsing around my dick begin. Her eyes look into mine the entire time and I can see pure ecstasy and lust in them. With my gaze fixed back at hers, and her head cradled in my hands, I pour into her, kissing her flushed lips passionately, then pulling at her full bottom lip with my teeth. "Mine..." I mutter as my head falls down to her neck and I melt into her.

Fuck, I am so fucking fucked…