Tamaki was early.
Kyoya groaned and tried to nuzzle his face further into his pillow, ignoring his friend's gentle shaking. Tamaki was supposed to come over today at 12. Kyoya's alarms had been set to wake him up by 11:30, but the first one hadn't even gone off yet.
"C'mon Kyoya, I had a great idea of how we were going to spend our time! You'll love it, I'm sure."
Kyoya closed his eyes tighter, but Tamaki just kept shaking him.
Kyoya opened his eyes and glared, but while Tamaki flinched, he didn't back down.
"It's 10:15! It's not that early, you have to get up!"
Tamaki climbed into Kyoya's bed and tried to turn him so they were facing.
"You're two hours early," Kyoya said, but his voice was sleep rough and sounded more like a growl.
"Well that was necessary!"
Kyoya tried to shove Tamaki away, but Tamaki remained firmly on the bed, grabbing Kyoya's forearm. Tamaki tried to pull him out of bed.
Kyoya resisted, but Tamaki was stronger and a lot more awake. Instead of getting out of bed gracefully Kyoya flopped onto the floor and considered staying there and falling back to sleep, but then Tamaki pulled him up and sat Kyoya down on his bed. Tamaki handed him a shirt and Kyoya blinked down at it.
Then he looked for Tamaki who was downstairs rummaging in Kyoya's dresser.
Tamaki marched back up the stairs, handed Kyoya more clothes, and then clasp and unclasped his hands repeatedly.
"Get dressed mon ami we have a big day ahead of us."
"Why French?" Kyoya said before he could stop himself or form a more coherent sentence. Tamaki's mood deflated. Kyoya stood up. "Why do you occasionally say certain words in French if you know them in Japanese."
"For effect!" Tamaki smiled and Kyoya went to his en suite to change and brush his teeth. Then he splashed cold water on his face for another fifteen minutes before emerging. Tamaki was lying in his bed, flipping through a book.
He looked far too comfortable.
"I'll have to call the maids for something to eat so—"
"Nonsense Kyoya!" Tamaki sprung to his feet. "We're going out, I thought brunch would be best start to our day!" Tamaki's eyes sparked and Kyoya's heart sank.
"We're not having brunch at some commoner's café."
"Even better! In honour of our upcoming murder mystery ball—"
"No." Kyoya rubbed his eyes and then realized his glasses were still on his bedside table.
"It'll be perfect." Tamaki grabbed onto to Kyoya's arm and pulled. "We'll get to see how a murder mystery is really done! And we get to eat! They only had brunch and dinner and I figure we should see the first one for fun and then the last for a more detailed analysis and in-between we can go the commoner's cinemas and see a movie and—"
"No." Kyoya yawned and Tamaki's grip on his bicep tightened. His fingers were sweaty and slid back and forth along Kyoya's skin as they talked.
Tamaki whined and looked at Kyoya with his best puppy dog eyes. Being far sighted Kyoya could see his expression in it's entirety. He stared back at Tamaki, too alert to give in, but not alert enough to think of something to say.
He stared at Tamaki's mouth. Kyoya licked his lips and then froze; panic beginning to seep into him.
Kyoya swallowed and tired to pull away, but Tamaki's sweaty hands held firm.
"Please Kyoya, just this once. Isn't being together enough, no matter what we do?"
Kyoya shivered and tried to move away. This time Tamaki let go, choosing instead to flop back on Kyoya's bed and pout.
"It's important research Kyoya!" Tamaki flopped back until his head hit Kyoya's mattress and his hair was sprawled out around like a lion's mane.
Kyoya took a deep breath and approached the bed slowly.
"Please Kyoya, I promise it'll be fun."
Kyoya sat down next to Tamaki, who turned to him slightly.
"Like the commoner's expo was fun? I think not."
Tamaki shifted until his head was practically in Kyoya's lap and Tamaki's face was staring up at him.
"But this time it'll just be us. Just you and me."
Tamaki smiled and Kyoya's heart rate sped up. The weight of Tamaki's head on his thigh felt enormous. The pressure and the heat felt scalding.
"Haruhi has a crush on you."
Tamaki blinked. "It's not nice to spread rumours."
"It's not a rumour, she told me. She…wants to tell you herself of course, but was afraid you were too dense to understand it. You should talk to her about it, since you have feelings for her." What was Kyoya doing?
Tamaki furrowed his brow.
"Was that what you were talking about with her yesterday?"
"Yes."
Tamaki opened and then closed his mouth in thought.
"I did promise I was going to try and be more conscientious of you and try not to ditch you for Haruhi. If this is some kind of test where you think I'm going to leave—"
"It isn't," Kyoya moved to adjusted his glasses before remembering he wasn't wearing them. "It's the truth."
"Well, I'm still not going to leave. You're my best friend and I want o spend time with you."
Kyoya swallowed.
"I don't want you to think that Haruhi, or any other girls take presence over you." Tamaki frowned. "I, I guess since I didn't know you were gay I didn't really think about it, about how you might think I prioritize the host club instead of you—"
"I don't think that." Kyoya said quietly. He was starting to wake up more now, though he still wasn't sure what to do.
"Good. Because you're first you know. You're my number one!" Tamaki winked and smiled and Kyoya felt the corner of his mouth twitch. "I mean it, you're my partner in everything Kyoya, I can't imagine what next year's going to be like when you go away."
Kyoya thought about Tamaki's host club family.
"That's because you need me to take care of you."
"No I don't."
"That's why I'm the wife isn't it? Because you need me to take care of everything while you—"
"That's not why you're the wife! And that's a sexist way to look at things since—"
"Then why am I the wife?" Kyoya asked. "Haruhi, the girl you like, is your daughter, but I'm your wife? I'm not a girl Tamaki. Wouldn't it just make more sense for us both to be the fathers?"
Tamaki squirmed, each movement felt acutely on Kyoya's thigh.
"It-It's just—"
"The host club isn't going to break up just because you have feeling for someone, didn't we try and prove that to you already? You don't have to pretend Haruhi's your daughter when you would rather she be the wif—"
"No!" Tamaki used his arms to set himself a little higher, off Kyoya's thigh. "I don't want her to replace you, it's…"
Kyoya sighed. His stomach hurt and he was hungry, this was not the time to confess. Whatever Haruhi said wasn't feasible now. Maybe she would pay him back for telling Tamaki about her feelings?
"You're the…" Tamaki looked uncharacteristically serious. "You're the mother because my mother was the one person in my life you never left me. Who was always there for me no matter what. It's a very important role Kyoya, and it's, it's not something Haruhi can—"
"So I'm like a mother to you?"
"No you're like a mother to our children!"
"I'm hardly like a mother to anyone! If anyone mothers the twins it's certainly you, I'm not anything close to a wife, I'd make a horrible wife—""
"I think you'd be great as my wife, I, that's why I thought you'd be my—"
"But I'm not a girl Tamaki." Kyoya narrowed his eyes. "You're bisexual right? So why are you trying to make all our interactions fit into this strange heterosexual model, I can't be your wife, or like a wife to you because I'm not a girl. If you want us to be parents of the host club that's one thing, but then why are you making me a girl? Wouldn't I just be your husband?"
"I…" Tamaki trailed off. He wasn't really looking at Kyoya. "Because, because well, it'd be better, if my feelings didn't get in the way of anything to just, to just you know."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
Tamaki sat fully up on the bed.
"Are-Are we going to the murder brunch or not? I mean the murder mystery brunch!"
Kyoya frowned. He sighed and stood up from the bed. Picking up his glasses.
"I just meant," Tamaki ran a hand through his hard. "That if I said you were my husband people might think we were in a real relationship. You know? Or, or something. It, it was mostly subconscious, erm, I, since I didn't know I was b…" Tamaki's voice sounded high and fake and Kyoya wasn't sure if he was telling the truth. "Everyone knows you're not a girl so us being the mother and the father is obviously fa…fake."
Tamaki scratched the back of his head. Kyoya stared. Had Tamaki already figured out about Kyoya and…no. No there was absolutely no way.
"Since I like guys, I just, I didn't want people to get the wrong idea."
Oh.
Of course.
"Still, why would you pick me as your spouse?"
"Oh, that," Tamaki laughed, but it sounded forced. "Well, we work so great together, it's not difficult picturing us as a couple I guess."
Kyoya disagreed. Kyoya disagreed wholeheartedly.
"We should just get brunch anyway, times a wasting c'mon." Tamaki pulled Kyoya by the hand leading him out of the room, out of his house and into a car. Tamaki didn't still need to be holding Kyoya's hand in the car, but he didn't let go.
The driver's partition was up and Kyoya was sure no one could hear them. But what was he supposed to say? Admit he couldn't see them as a couple? That would definitely give Tamaki the wrong idea and confessing, if he was ever going to, would be almost impossible.
The brunch past in a haze, but Tamaki seemed to enjoy himself, making copious notes and clapping along at the appropriate moments. Kyoya was thankful to be finished and by the time they were sitting in a movie theatre Kyoya was grateful, despite the questionable seats and the loud slurping nose coming form Tamaki's drink.
They were the only ones in the theatre and were seated at the very back. Tamaki's eyes were glued to the screen, but Kyoya wasn't paying attention.
Kyoya had his arm on their shared armrest and Tamaki's forearm kept brushing his every so often. Kyoya was still tired from getting up early and tired from their conversation and tired from everything that had happen. He could use some time to relax.
The murder mystery dinner was slightly different then the brunch and while Kyoya did write down notes he also spent a lot of time talking to Tamaki about nonsense.
By the time they arrived back at Kyoya's it was late and Kyoya had half a mind to ask Tamaki to leave. Instead, he filed his notes away and watched Tamaki out of the corner of his eye as he approached Kyoya's desk.
Tamaki spotted the doujinshi, the unpublished pages that were for Kyoya's eyes only, and glanced over them.
Kyoya watched him and wondered if he should stop him. Instead Kyoya sat on his bed and rubbed his face. He lay down and closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of Tamaki turning pages.
Kyoya still had to finish The Lake but he'd gotten his other homework done yesterday.
Kyoya sighed and wondered how long it would take him to fall asleep. He was still fully clothed and falling asleep in such attire would be unbecoming, but he was exhausted and he wasn't about to change into his pyjamas while Tamaki was still here.
"Are you going to publish the rest?" Tamaki asked.
"No." Kyoya kept his eyes closed, but he could hear Tamaki's footsteps towards him and feel the slight movement of Tamaki sitting down on the bed.
"Was there something specific you were trying to say? By finishing it, I mean."
Ah, there it was.
Kyoya kept his eyes closed and contemplated his options.
"I was serious earlier about Haruhi having feelings for you."
"I, I wasn't asking about that." Tamaki's voice sounded small.
"I know. I just thought you should also know that I wasn't trying to dissuade you form confessing to her. You both get along well and she would be a good match for you."
"Who-Who said I had feelings for Haruhi?"
Kyoya opened one eye and raised his eyebrow. Tamaki was looking at his hands, face slightly red.
"Well, I mean, I suppose there is a possibility I might have feelings for her."
Kyoya closed his eyes again.
"Then you should tell her."
"I…What about you?"
"I don't have feelings for Haruhi, I'm gay."
"No-No I meant, if you had feelings for anyone. At all. Or if you would tell him. Since, in the doujinshi you—"
"You're wondering if I have a crush on you?"
Tamaki squeaked and tried to cover it up with a cough, but failed. Kyoya took a deep breath. His neck was getting stiff from where he was lying. His shoulders will felt tense.
High risk, high reward. The words kept repeating themselves in him mind. Haurhi's advice, his sister's advice, his father's word. But what was he really going to do?
He thought about Tamaki, wondered about things from his perspective. The girl he liked had feelings for him, but instead Tamaki was spending time wondering about his best friend.
"I don't know why you'd be so concerned about it."
"I didn't say I was concerned! I was just curious."
"More curious than you are about Haruhi, the girl you admitted having feeling for, returning your feelings?"
"I well—"
"If you're trying to avoid your own feelings, I can't say the way you're going about it will be very effective."
"I can talk to Haruhi later. Right now I'm talking to you."
"Talking about whether or not I have feelings for you."
"Well, you still haven't said no!"
"Do you want me to say 'no'?"
Tamaki paused. Kyoya could hear him shift and make humming noises. He opened an eye and saw Tamaki's whole face flushed red and his fingers idly toying with the hem of his shirt.
"What would happen if I said no? Nothing. What would happen if I said yes? Nothing. Nothing would change so I don't see the point in answering."
"Things would change."
"What things?"
"Things…"
"Well, I'd rather not strain our relationship either from you trying to convince me to have a crush on you or by you awkwardly provoking any crush I did have on you."
"I wouldn't do that! If you had a crush on me, I would be very respectful about it."
Kyoya said nothing. Instead he thought about his positive qualities, the lengths he was willing to go for his friends, his business savvy thinking, his discretion and ability to keep secrets. Tamaki was his friend, so there must be enough positive qualities in Kyoya for that at least.
"And, if you didn't have a crush on me, I wouldn't assume that you could necessarily and try to make you have one, on me."
"Seems like what you did with Haruhi. And every other girl who doesn't particularly like you."
"That's-that's different."
Kyoya sighed. He opened his eyes and sat up, facing Tamaki.
"We should just leave it. It's pretty late, if you aren't going to suggest something else for us to do, you might as well go home."
"Well, okay, but if you did have a crush on me, I just think it would be best for you to tell me."
"Why are you so consumed with the possibility that I have feelings for you? Why do you want me to? How could it possibly benefit either of us in any way!?"
Tamaki opened his mouth and then closed it. Some of the colour drained from his face.
"Well there would be the emotional benefit, it's best to be honest with people you know."
Kyoya paused and furrowed his brows. There was something about Tamaki he was missing. Tamaki placed his hand on the bed, his pinky fingers just an inch from Kyoya's.
Kyoya thought about the arm linking and overt physical contact, the check nuzzling and the sharing a bed and the holding hands and the foot nudges under the kotatsu. He thought about Tamaki being careful so no one thought they were a couple, so no one thought Tamaki had feelings for him, even though he didn't do the same with Haruhi, even though everyone also perceived her as a boy.
Did Tamaki link arms with other people? Sleep in their beds and massage their shoulders? Kyoya had never really considered it. Had always taken it for granted, after all, why should Kyoya be so special?
"It's just in the doujinshi, it, well it seems very much like you, and I thought, that maybe I was just being egotistical before, when I thought you had a crush on me, but maybe I wasn't being egotistical so I was just wondering." Tamaki smiled at Kyoya briefly and then avoided eye contact.
"You want me to have a crush on you." It was not a question.
"Well, maybe a little. It'd—"
"Dozens of girls in the host club are in love with you—"
"But I don't—"
"But you don't care about them being in love with you, you just want to make them happy, fine. But Haruhi's in love with you, and you have a crush on her and you're still sitting here wanting me to have a crush on you on top of everything."
Tamaki opened his mouth and then closed it. Kyoya watched him swallow. Kyoya stood up and Tamaki did too. He couldn't possibly fathom Tamaki's motivations. A lot of things seemed to click into place, but Kyoya still didn't understand why.
"Well, congratulations on always getting what you want." Kyoya said as he head into the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower, I was planning on one this morning before I was so rudely interrupted."
Kyoya closed the door behind him and sat on the edge of his bathtub, taking deep breaths. This didn't feel better at all. This wasn't like telling Tamaki he was gay, which had brought feelings of awkward relief and trepidation, this just brought dread and immediate regret.
Tamaki knocked on the door, but Kyoya didn't move.
"I don't hear any water running so I thought, maybe you were avoiding me and not really taking a shower?"
Kyoya didn't answer.
"It…I don't want you to be mad at me."
Kyoya sighed and then rolled his eyes. He got up and walked towards the door opening it up. Tamaki flung himself at Kyoya, wrapping him in a full body hug, Tamaki's hair tickling his face. Tamaki moved and Kyoya could feel Tamaki's ear pressed against his jaw.
Tamaki's grip was too tight and it hurt, but his body was a solid warm presence to Kyoya's front.
"I'm sorry. I just, I don't want you to be mad at me." Tamaki rubbed small circles on Kyoya's back and then everything seemed to click into place.
"I'm not mad."
Tamaki sighed heavily and buried his face further into the crook of Kyoya's shoulder. His nose was cold and wet.
"You know, it was always a little weird that when you wanted alone time with Haruhi, your crush, you always invited me along." Kyoya feel Tamaki's jaw moving, but his friend didn't say anything. "You want me to have a crush on you because you have a crush on me. Just like you wanted Haruhi to have a crush on you, even when you were still pretending to be her 'father'"
Tamaki's grip loosened briefly. He pulled back, though he didn't draw away, instead he seemed to be looking Kyoya in the eye.
"I, well…"
"How long have you had a crush on me for?"
"um…well…"
Kyoya sighed and switched tactics. "How long have you known?"
"Uhh…"
"How long did you think you might have a crush on me?"
"Sort of when I realized I might have feelings for Haruhi? I, well I didn't even know I was bisexual until then, you, I really thought you knew since you guys also seemed to know about me liking Haruhi."
Kyoya's shoulder's relaxed and he let a wave of relief flow through him.
"Alright."
"Yup." Tamaki nodded though their faces were close enough that their noses nearly brushed. "See, because I had a crush on Haruhi when I thought Haruhi was guy and I didn't feel different when I realized she was a girl, but then, but then…uh…well then when she was girl and the context was different and my brain was saying 'crush' but then…that would have implied…"
"So what are you going to do now?" Kyoya raised an eyebrow.
"Well, see, I hadn't really thought this far ahead." Tamaki removed one hand from Kyoya's back to scratch his own neck. "I mean, I maybe thought about mentioning some things about French same-sex marriage laws, but I didn't think I'd get this far, really. I thought for sure, even if you liked me, you'd give me this huge speech about your dad and your position in the family and homophobia. So now I'm kind of winging it."
Kyoya smiled and was overcome with the urge to smash his lips against Tamaki's. Instead, he cleared his throat.
"I take it you intend to pursue me as a romantic option before Haruhi?"
Tamaki's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh."
Kyoya's pulse suddenly sped up. No, he couldn't have been wrong he—
"I-I guess. well, I didn't consider it in those terms before, because I didn't even know you liked guys! And then I did and didn't think you liked me and, but yes? I do like Haruhi, but um…"
Kyoya swallowed. One of Tamaki's hands was still on Kyoya's back and Kyoya could feel the light pressure. It tickled slight as Tamaki moved his hand closer to Kyoya's waist.
"Good." Kyoya cleared his throat again and Tamaki smiled. With his free hand he grabbed at Kyoya's fingers, twisting them together before leaning in slightly.
There was no smell of salt or sound of crashing waves, it wasn't cold and the stars weren't out, but it still felt a lot like how Kyoya had imagined it in the doujinshi.
Tamaki's smile was just as bright and his eyes were sparkling.
Tamaki touched their noses together and Kyoya's heart starting trying to claw it's way out of his chest. Tamaki moved slightly, tilting is head and leaning in for a kiss—
"Ack."
Tamaki froze. Kyoya coughed, pulled away slightly and then cleared his throat. Tamaki made a move to untangle their fingers, but Kyoya held them firmly.
"It." Kyoya took a deep breath. "You like me more than Haruhi?"
Tamaki furrowed his brows. "You're my best friend, of course."
"No." Kyoya breath through his nose. "I meant, romantically, you like me more than Haruhi."
"Kyoya, you're my best friend. Even if I wasn't in love with you, I'd still love you. I've known you for years. I, I do have feelings for Haruhi but she's not my best friend. If we look at it in a point-based system—" Kyoya rolled his eyes. "No! If it's based on points then let's say you have fifty friend points and Haruhi has ten, even if Haruhi had twenty romance points and you only had ten, I'd still like you the most right?" Tamaki placed his forehead on Kyoya's. "Besides, the import part isn't who I love more, the important part is who I choose." Tamaki leaned in again, but Kyoya turned away. Tamaki frowned and made to pull back but Kyoya's stopped him.
"Wait. I think that…given circumstance and inexperience it would be best if we were to progress more slowly. And also in secret. For now."
Tamaki nodded. "Does that mean I can't kiss you?"
"Not…necessarily."
Tamaki leaned in and kissed Kyoya's forehead. Kyoya felt a little feverish, he was light headed, dizzy and little bit nauseous with fear, but he leaned in anyway and pressed his lips to Tamaki's.
The kiss was terrifying.
Well, actually it was pleasantly soft, and the very idea that he was kissing Tamaki was exhilarating and almost surreal. That didn't mean he no longer wanted to throw up though, and however soft Tamaki's lips were Kyoya still needed to sit down. The weight of everything, all the consequences of this decision felt enormous. He had been putting off thinking about his father's expectation, the implied "It's all right if you're gay so long as you're in the closet" vibe from their conversation so long ago.
There was the rest of their future to think about. The decision to kiss Tamaki was easy, but there was so much that came with it.
Pulling away Kyoya sat on his bathroom floor, the cool tile was nice. Cold things grounded him where warmth seemed to cause him to float off into oblivion.
Kyoya tried to take deep breath and Tamaki sat down next to him, crossing his legs and smiling, dreamily.
"You're nervous."
Kyoya didn't dignify the statement with a response. Instead he pressed his palms into the cold tile, closed his eyes, leaned his back and head against the wall. He tried to stop his whole world from spinning whether it was from possibilities or something else. There were too many variables to consider. Too many things were happening without a plan and Kyoya didn't always make good choices without a plan. There was marriage and France and scandals and reputation and families and children and joint bank accounts to consider.
He felt Tamaki's fingers brush his own and he lifted his fingers slightly so Tamaki could intertwine them.
"I always thought that you were cute, you know," Tamaki kissed Kyoya's temple, "but I used to tell myself that it was just in a normal non-attraction based way. But then I started thinking of what it would be like to date you. I started thinking about it a lot actually and it seemed really nice. I imagined we'd have this life together and these children and then I meet the twins and…I constructed this like entire family for us." Kyoya heard Tamaki sigh. "And when, and when Haruhi was there and I thought I might have, for that brief instance I thought I had romantic feelings for her, for him at the time, I just, I just fell back to this plan I had convinced myself was utterly totally platonic, even if I wanted to kiss you sometimes or hold your hand or share a bed, most of those were just…intimate, not really sexual, so it was easy to delude myself, if I didn't actually examine why I wanted anything…" Tamaki trailed off.
Kyoya sighed and reached his free hand to adjust his glasses on his face, even though his eyes were closed.
"You don't have to tell me this now."
"I just, I know your worried about my feeling but I've just really really wanted to be your boyfriend for sort of a long time?"
"Well, it's as I said earlier."
"Huh?"
"You always get what you wanted."
Kyoya tried not smile as he felt Tamaki's shoulder nudge him. He felt a head on his shoulder next, Tamaki's hair brushing up against his jaw.
Kyoya took a deep breath.
Everything was going to be okay. Kyoya could handle this. Every time Kyoya had thought he couldn't do something before, he had managed to get through it anyway.
"Sometimes Kyoya, it's overwhelming how cute you are."
"I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to date me, but if I was mistaken…"
"No, no, no mistake" Kyoya smiled and looked at Tamaki who pressing further into Kyoya's side. "I…" Tamaki cleared his throat. "I just really like you."
Kyoya smiled wider.
"Moron."
