There are many things that could suck about being abandoned at a party. One, you have to find a new way home. Two, if it is a costume party, you are probably still wearing your ridiculous fucking costume. Three, you are probably alone. Being alone means you have a lot of time to think to yourself. And think about how your hurt and what is wrong with you. Why do I suck, Oh god why do I hate myself so much? You scratch at your scalp and you scream in your mind while you try as hard as you can keep the tears from falling from your eyes. And you know once the floodgates are open, you are not going to be able to stop. So now you have a new mission: Trying to cry all that you can before you go home or see another person. But once you hit the point sobbing, you no longer care who the fuck sees you. And at 3:30 am you find yourself sitting on a wall overlooking your brightly lit city, while your head is in your hand and your sobbing loudly. You can't hold your liquor these days. You were always a wreck when you got sad. Crying makes you want to puke. And you do. You puke all over the sidewalk. Why do you care? It smells. It smells like booze. People have started walking by. People are driving by, to start their early mornings at work. They slow down enough to ask you if you are okay. You nod and give them the thumbs up. Once they leave you to stare at that beautiful skyline. City lights look amazing. They look like Christmas trees. They remind you of a drive you took last year. Yeah, that's right. It was 4am and Tulio was going through a depression phase. So he invited you to go out for a drive. You two rode around in his crappy old pickup truck for hours. You two were surprised that the city was still lit. You guys talked and laugh, and ran red lights because you were having so much time with each other. You almost told him you loved him. You were afraid of how he would react. Most of all if he said, "I know". That would kill you. Like sitting on this wall is killing you. He left you. He hasn't answered any of your thirty messages. Where the fuck did he go? Who was the girl he left with? She was beautiful. Almost as beautiful as he was. But that's because you are biased. You fucking bastard.
Another concerned civilian wave and ask if you need an assistant. You smile and shake your head. Your lips are dried out and the hurt as you spread them in a grin. Once they are gone, you finally can breathe again. But once you take a big inhale, you are immediately drowning again. You clench your chest in an attempt to grab at anything. You can't breathe. You are drowning. You so far underwater, kicking your legs can't save you. You feel like you are dying. You can't hold out on your own. You are alone. You are in pain.
You check your phone and see only 30 minutes have gone by. No texts. No calls. Just you, grasping at hope that maybe there was a shred of anything there. You know there probably was, but at this moment its gone. It has caught flame and there is nothing left. Nothing left but delusions of a hope. Your fingers take over. You are searching your phone for the millionth time for something you know is not there. You scroll past his name and see another name you have been too afraid to see. You dial the number and you wait. One ring, two rings and on the third you hear a familiar voice.
"Hello?"
You want to cry, to scream. But you smile, and it hurts. But you are still smiling.
"My lips hurt when I smile"
