Neji immediately averted his gaze when the three cats turned to look at him. If the lone tabby earlier had been enough to paralyze him with The Sparkly Eyes technique, three of them together would probably turn him to stone.
"You guys," the girl beside him sighed. Then she was ushering Neji to the farthest corner away from the trio of felines, which suited him fine.
"Nya?" the tabby inquired, somewhat slyly, it sounded to Neji.
"Oh, all right," she said. To Neji's surprise, she addressed the cats directly. "Tobi, Itachi, Kisame, this is Neji. He is a guest, the same as you. Please treat him well."
Neji stared at the girl, then at the cats, who were regarding him with what seemed to be lazy amusement. There was the odd-eyed tabby which had been with him when he awoke, sitting between a small black and white cat and a large golden brown one, which looked big enough to be a mountain cat. He beheld a final detail which was so incongruous that his mind skipped over it as inconsequential, the three sets of neatly folded clothes on the chairs near their table.
He realized rather quickly that if the girl thought a huge literate panda that could cook was her father, she could very well believe these creatures to be distant relatives of some sort, maybe maternal cousins twice removed. In short, she was crazy.
Now, Neji could handle crazies. There had been no shortage of them in prison, and quite a few of them guards, no less. Some had been slavering, some raving, others violent, a number rather poetic in their madness. He had had many a pleasant conversation with the poetic ones. The rude ones, well, he always killed those, inconspicuously of course. There were ways, even when shackled head to toe with ki immobilizers.
This girl, though, was different from any of those prison crazies. She owned a teashop. And she had combed his hair. And she was cute. And, although outspoken, not rude. And had he just thought that she was cute again?
"…" the very verbose Neji Hyuuga was once more at a loss for words. He inclined his head at the cats in a tentative bow.
The tabby's tail flicked. Then, as one, they looked away in disinterest, and bent their heads back into the bowls to eat.
"They're not being impolite, they're just being… cats," the girl murmured to him, leading the way again to the farthest table.
"You've introduced me to your other… customers, but have yet to tell me your own name."
"Me?" she flustered, looking this way and that, "I'm just a lowly teashop girl remember?"
"After meeting Genma, Tobi, Itachi and Kisame, I'll surely remember your name this time, if you tell me, Ms. Saotome." Neji assured. They were at the table. He drew the wooden chair for her to sit, before settling in his place across from her.
It was a distraction from his mission to attain the Dragon Scroll, but one did not simply come across a teashop menagerie run by a young lass and pass it by without further investigation. Besides, he was still famished.
He stared down at the soba, inhaling paradise in the mere aroma. The tendrils of steam enveloped his olfactory senses, promising oodles of goodness and delights to come. Finally, he would be able to finish his meal.
Then, he caught sight of the girl staring at him avidly, almost impatiently, waiting for him to start.
It took a lot of willpower, but Neji switched their bowls around with a swift, smooth motion.
"I've had the soba before. I would like to try something new," he said. She blinked, and then surprised him with a smile.
"You'll love that then, it's our famous Soup Number Five!" she beamed. "I'm not very familiar with Japanese cooking yet, myself, so this will be my first time to eat soba." She dipped her chopsticks into the soup, before suddenly looking up at him, abashed. "Is it okay if I start? I'm rather hungry."
He stared at her for another beat, weighing if she had just manipulated him. Sensing no deceit, he nodded, and they raised their chopsticks together, and ate.
"Soba is good."
"It is. So is this soup. What's in it?"
"No idea. Super-secret ingredient that my dad has yet to reveal to me."
They slurped.
.
.
"You still haven't told me your name," Neji said, after the edge of his gnawing, gut-wrenching hunger had been dulled. Both had relaxed a little in the other's presence, and were now exchanging glances in a rather cheesy fashion through the steam of their bowls.
"I haven't," she acknowledged. She looked a little sad. "There's a reason."
He was not willing to dawdle much longer. His energy was renewed, his stomach replete, his clothes clean and suitably baggy to fit his tastes. He was talking to a girl his own age for the first time in three years, but a man with a destiny could not afford to be side-tracked.
"I won't press you for it," he said, "But I would like to be clarified on certain matters. I saw a man before, he had a kerchief wrapped around his head and seemed to be the owner, but he's gone now. He was talking to a boy called Naruto, who your panda hit on the head with a frying pan and is now lying unconscious in the kitchen."
She didn't seem to see anything strange about anything he had just said, so Neji came right out and asked. "What is going on around here? Your customers are cats. You do know they don't carry a lot of cash around to pay for meals, don't you?"
"Cats are all sorts of useful," she defended, "They bring good business!"
There was a strange snickering sound from the cats' table and Neji saw the huge mountain cat raise its paw to wave at him in the unmistakable manner of a traditional lucky cat statue.
His jaw dropped. He looked back at the girl. "Do they comprehend..?"
She nodded. "I have to tell you about a certain hot spring we all went to for kung fu training when I was younger."
"Kung fu training," he gave her a sharp look, "You said you quit."
"And my dad insisted on private tutoring," she sighed. "And we have these regular customers who are kung fu… enthusiasts… and they went with us. It turns out the springs were cursed and each pool contained the vengeful spirit of an animal that had drowned in it, and so any person who falls into the hot springs is afflicted with a transformation whenever he or she is doused with cold water. The condition is only reversible by getting soaked in hot water."
Neji stared at her. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
She pouted. "It's true."
There was a grunt, and they both looked up.
The panda stood by their table, and Neji noticed now it had a small patch of cloth doing a very inadequate job of covering its head. The large mammal was also swishing a young leafy bamboo shoot from one side of its jaw to the other.
It served them tea.
"Is your father… one of the cursed?" Neji decided to play along with the crazy girl. It was such a shame, she appeared so normal. To have trained these animals to the point of appearing almost intelligent, she was probably fixated on her little reality to be completely beyond cure.
"Dad," the girl said to the panda. "He doesn't believe me."
The panda set down the teapot, handed a filled cup to Tenten and Neji each, and straightened his apron a bit. Then, still standing on his hind legs, he gestured with his paws in a 'bring it on' fashion.
"Ew dad, no. I won't help you transform. You're in an apron. Just an apron."
Neji tossed the hot contents of his teacup on the animal. It would do well to show her how absurd her story was-
There was a "POOF!"
The shopkeeper from before was now standing in front of them, dripping, naked but for an apron and a head kerchief, chomping down on the bamboo shoot like a cigar and grinning.
"Ta da!" He raised his arms as if he had just performed a magic trick. Or a very odd strip act.
"Argh!" the girl was covering her eyes and grimacing.
Neji was flabbergasted. Taken aback. Blown away. Discombobulated. Dumbfounded. Flummoxed. Gobsmacked. Highly perturbed. In short, he was shocked and confused.
"My humble daughter has many shortcomings, but she isn't a liar," Genma told Neji. "Please, enjoy your tea."
"Whatever you do dad, don't turn around," the girl pleaded. Behind Genma, the cats were making retching noises at the sight of his bare butt. They leapt off the table and prowled closer to where the Neji sat.
Neji slowly blinked, then turned with a jerky movement back to face the table, processing the events. His hand moved on automatic to raise the teapot, and poured another cup of tea. The girl was looking at him, worried. The shopkeeper was patting along his apron pocket for a toothpick.
The Terror of the Five Lands noticed something about the teapot and cups.
"I know this tea set," he said in a distant voice, still not quite there. "We made them in pottery class when I was in the academy."
Then something clicked in his head and he looked at the brown-eyed girl in recognition. "I gave them as a farewell gift to a classmate. Her name was… Tenten."
Tenten.
Naruto had said the name of the false Dragon Warrior was Tenten.
Neji stood up, looking at his former classmate now with new eyes. So she had quit to become a teashop girl. It was so ironic. He began to chuckle.
"What's so funny?" Tenten asked. She remembered when Neji used to laugh as a little boy. He had always been reserved, so making him laugh or smile was a rare thing. It had been nice before. Now, it made her anxious.
"You are," he answered. "The fact that you quit the Academy and ended up chosen as the Dragon Warrior. You have no talent, no bloodline, nothing. You don't even like to fight."
She looked hurt at this and he gave her a condescending nod.
"Just give me the Dragon Scroll, Tenten. After all, you don't want the title."
They stared at each other, un-cheesy now. Then, she mumbled something and looked down.
"What was that?" Neji asked.
"I said," Tenten repeated, louder, "Nin-kame chose me. You don't take the title. It's given to you."
"So? Pass on the title to me then." He said, in a light teasing tone, "Would you like me to fight you for it? You'd lose."
"I wouldn't."
His expression changed. "Excuse me?"
She blinked at him. "Uh, forget I said that. More importantly, Neji, it's just a scroll. Not worth killing your entire family over. What happened to you after I left?"
"I don't have to explain myself to you," Neji said. He liked to talk, but there was a time and place for it. Like when he fought Naruto. That kid just brought out the chatterbox in Neji.
"It would probably be better if you didn't get him started, daughter," Genma agreed. "Are you guys done with your meal? I'm on a tight schedule having to run the shop and all, but they say it's bad luck to clear the table while someone's still eating. The belief is that any unmarried woman sitting at the table won't be able to find a husband if that happens."
The shop owner looked speculatively at Neji, then at Tenten. Then a gleam came into his eyes and he made a grab for the nearest bowl.
"Dad!" Tenten snatched the bowl away only to have Genma switch his objective to another bowl, then the utensils. Objects were tossed in the air and the two competing pairs of hands became a blur of super-fast movements as father and daughter wrestled to respectively pick up and keep the dinner ware on the table. The gust of air from their efforts cooled the tea rapidly, leaving Neji increasingly annoyed.
"Oooooiii…."
A long, low moan cut through the struggle and all eyes turned to see Naruto emerge from the kitchen, rubbing his head. "Uncle, why'd you have to do that? You don't feed me ramen when it's already the second day, you hit me, I'm starting to feel very unwelcome in this establishment."
"I'm done eating," Neji said flatly as he tossed his cup of now-cold tea onto the blonde boy in the orange jumpsuit.
"Gak!" Naruto spluttered, waving his arms. With a "Poof!" there was a beautiful blonde girl in baggy clothes.
Neji blinked. Theory confirmed. Tenten was not crazy. And a sexy female Naruto was easier to resist when clothed.
He found some comfort in the thought that he had at least not been assaulting a real woman in the rain. Although it still irked him that he had been beaten by the sight of fake boobs. And… fake everything else.
"Cursed spring of drowned girl?" he asked tentatively.
"Cursed spring of sexy sexy drowned girl," Naruto corrected him. "Believe it!" he flashed a smile and Neji had to turn away, fighting a blush. He heard Tenten smother a giggle, and scowled.
"All right, sexy sexy cursed boy, we'll get to your ramen soon enough," with stunning speed, Genma had cleared the table and was walking back into the kitchen. He called back over his shoulder, "Neji Hyuuga, Terror of the Five Lands, if you dare lay one finger on my Tenten-"
Neji raised an eyebrow, daring the man to continue.
"You have my blessing to wed. She seems to like you well enough. Go forth and give me many grandchildren."
"Dad," Tenten smacked a hand to her forehead.
"I don't want her, I just want the scroll," Neji said coolly.
"Well who says I wanted you?" Tenten retorted, turning a shade of tomato red.
"The panda did."
"What does he know!" Tenten huffed. "Look, you want the scroll? You tell me your back story. That's all I ask."
"…I don't do flashbacks."
"It's the greatest scroll in the five lands. Make an exception this one time." Tenten had a stubborn look he remembered from back during their Academy days.
Neji stared at her for a long moment. Then he sat down again, somewhat pacified. Where was that brat—Oh, there Naruto was, sitting dejectedly at the counter, looking hungry. Good. Somehow, having Naruto around put him in the proper mood to talk.
"It was a dark and stormy night…"
"Oh kami, we're in for it now," groaned Naruto, sinking his head down to be pillowed on his arms on the counter. "Hey, my girl arms are really soft!"
Ignoring the blockhead, Neji resumed his tale.
.
.
He was midway in his fulsome narrative and everyone listening had their eyes glazed over with what could either be extreme fascination in his story or utter boredom when the door burst open and three shadows overcast the restaurant entrance.
"I have heard," a gravelly voice said, "That a competitor has stolen our most voracious ramen customer from right beneath our noses."
"For shame," chimed in the female of the trio, "We don't try to draw away your customers by mimicking your disgusting Chinese food."
"Are you looking for another Metal Chef challenge?" the third gestured at Tenten with a clenched fist.
"Gaara!" Naruto squealed, "You're back!" He threw himself forward but a humungous spatula slapped his entire body sideways and napkins flew off all the tables with the force of wind accompanying the motion.
"Don't be overly familiar with the Ramen Master, stranger," the blond girl with frizzy ponytails snapped, and the painted boy who was not a cat but dressed up like one stepped forward as well, keeping his fist raised.
Naruto moaned in pain, not knowing how scandalous and suggestive his female voice sounded. "Ow, could you not attack me with such a huge thing?"
"Naruto!" Tenten sputtered. The three newcomers looked askance at Naruto, recognition dawning.
"What? It's really hard Tenten! I can't believe you endured something like that and didn't break anything."
"Shut up!" while Neji got loquacious when angered, words often failed Tenten when she was overcome with horror at unfolding events.
"Why?" Naruto complained, rubbing his tender female assets. He'd thought at first they would be useful as extra padding to protect his torso but it turned out they were just an additional weak spot that needed uncomfortable extra undergarments for support. Then his eyes turned to slits as he caught on to the double entendre of the situation.
"Oho. Naughty naughty Tenten! I bet Temari's big bad kitchen tool must be really satisfying when used the right way. And it's really good for spanking too." He made a suggestive butt-slapping gesture that mortified Tenten. Temari, on the other hand, merely smirked. She was used to innuendo about her freaking large spatula.
"I said shut up!" Tenten yelled.
"Soup's on!" Genma bustled through the kitchen door, now decently clad in regular cook's attire and bearing a steaming serving bowl of ramen. He had in fact been hiding from Neji's diatribe to save himself from an overdose of purple prose.
"There's enough ramen for everyone. Payment up front, of course."
Grumbling, the three newcomers slapped down some cash and sat at the table adjacent to Tenten and Neji. The first speaker, a boy with red hair and a facial tattoo that could mean he was either a punk or peacenik, cast Neji a searching glance before being distracted by the bowl set in front of him. His companions, the girl and cat-costumed Bunraku painted boy, likewise looked at Neji with some curiosity and vague disquiet, but held fast to their original objective and focused on the food at hand.
"This…" began the red-haired boy that Naruto had called Gaara. He stared at the ramen as if seeing it for the first time.
The other boy bit off a curse, even as he began to slurp with fervour. The girl called Temari just sniffed and tipped her bowl back, emptying it then handing back the bowl. "More please."
"…" Neji had not wanted to tell his life story in the first place so now he was faced with the dilemma. Should he or should he not kill these three arrogant newcomers who had so rudely interrupted his reluctantly-told tale?
"Ah, Neji," Tenten could practically follow his train of thought after being subjected to his rambling narrative for nearly an hour, and sought to head him off. "I got the story. You were being forced to comply with the Hyuuga tradition of placing a cursed seal on the members of the Branch family. Being a free, independent spirit, you took pre-emptive measures and tried to kill everyone in the Main House. And you thought the best way to forever escape the shadow of the clan was to establish yourself as the strongest warrior in the lands, by becoming the Dragon Warrior."
He stared at her, unable to believe she had condensed his hour-long rant on fate into three sentences.
"Oh," Naruto put down his third bowl of ramen, "So that's what happened. I got lost after he said supercalifragilisticexpialid ocious or something wordy like that."
"Precocious. I said I was a precocious child." Neji gritted.
"Not to mention atrocious," muttered Genma, pasting on a smile when Neji quirked a suspicious eyebrow at him.
"You are mistaken, however, in your statement that I 'tried' to kill everyone in the Main House," Neji said, deciding to ignore Genma. "I did kill everyone in the Main House."
"Actually," a new voice drawled, "You didn't. Not a single one. It was a worthy attempt though, for a thirteen-year old."
Neji jerked at having been caught unawares, springing up from the table and swiftly taking stock of the three cloaked strangers suddenly sitting at the table right behind him. His eyes narrowed, taking in the powerful ki energy that he could sense only now. It was a shock, since the large blue man was emitting it in almost suffocating waves, and the other two, a pale boy with a ponytail and a man with a mysterious mask, were obviously just reining in their own extraordinary power. That they had concealed it so completely from his Byakugan was a testament to their skill. And his self-absorption when waxing oratorical.
"Dammit, where did they come from?" Temari swore, pushing back her own chair and hovering protectively over Gaara, spatula drawn. The as-yet unidentified boy in a cat costume and puppet theatre paint, who looked like he might answer to the name Kankuro, had likewise taken up a defensive position, although still trailing a stray noodle which he sucked hastily into his mouth. Gaara dabbed his lips with a napkin calmly.
"Don't get all worked up, we are not here for either him or Naruto," the masked man who had spoken earlier said in a placating tone. "Our therapy sessions with Genma have cured us of our unhealthy fixation with vessels of demonic energy."
"Aside from the fact that said vessels were exorcised of demonic energy years ago, and the energy turned out not to be demonic but actually life energy intertwined with nature and human existence," Genma added, rapidly cleaning up tables as he spoke.
"What he said," Naruto affirmed, reaching for his eighth bowl, only to find the serving container empty, "Hey Uncle, you said there was enough for everybody! I'm part of everybody and I'm still hungry!"
"No more soup for you! Gaara is here after all to take you back to their place at Ichiraku's."
"On second thought, you can keep him," Gaara said, "He never has enough money to pay."
"Tenten," wailed Naruto, embracing the frozen girl, squeezing his ample womanly curves against Tenten's less developed ones, just to rub it in. "How terrible it is to be unwanted, isn't it? You by the man you desire, me, by my ramen suppliers."
"You know what, Naruto, you could have a serious ramen problem." Tenten retorted, eyeing Temari's spatula with the apparent intention of borrowing it to use on a sexy sexy moron.
"Oho," the blue man, Kisame, rumbled with a laugh. "A ramen junkie eh? We have just the cure."
"Enough!"
.
.
Neji had discovered the secret of the teashop's strange denizens and even if he didn't understand half of it, he didn't want to hear anymore.
"I want my scroll Tenten. I've told my story, or rather, you've condensed it to the bare minimum, leaving out many subtle particulars which gave depth and substance to the telling, and now it is your turn to reciprocate."
There was an expectant hush as the rest of those present watched for the Dragon Warrior's response to the fiery demand by the Terror of the Five Lands.
"Okay," Tenten said.
She handed it over.
Neji took it.
And left.
"Huh," Genma said. "Daughter, you may have neatly ended the most epic story of your life with that simple gesture. I think we can jot this little episode down as a nice anecdote on our placemats and wrap up the ending with 'and the girl who had never wanted to be the Dragon Warrior lived happily ever after, peacefully serving tea in this wonderful shop, and her wise and loving father finally imparted to her the secret ingredient to the famous Soup Number Five, eventually passing into legend…'
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Neji's bellow from outside the restaurant coincided with Tenten's "Really Dad? That's great!"
The door of the restaurant was smashed to smithereens as the furious Terror of the Five Lands made his reappearance, holding the shiny, golden, completely blank scroll.
.
.
A/N: Ooh, finally a showdown.
Well, till next time! Ffnet's changes to the site make reviewing that much easier now (hint hint). Hahaha, anyway, thanks for the reviews, faves and follows. Really appreciate it!
