Chapter 9

Maura's POV

"Maura!" Sam's small voice pulls me out of a deep sleep and it takes me a few moments to wake up. "Maura!"

She pushes my shoulder and I quickly open my eyes, seeing Sam standing next to my bed with eyes wide in fear. "What's the matter, baby?"

"Mama's doin' scared." Sam's bottom lip is quivering and I immediately get out of bed, taking the girl's hand as we hurry towards the guestroom.

"Jane?" When I enter the room, I see Jane tossing and turning, drenched in sweat, whimpering loudly. A nightmare.

"Jane, babe," I shake her shoulder and try to wake her up. "Wake up, it's just a dream." She doesn't wake up. I want to free her from the awful world she is in, but she's far away.

"Maura, why's mommy not waking up?" Sam asks me, a tear trickling down her cheek. "Is it 'cause of daddy?"

"Oh no, honey." I pull Sam up on the bed next to me while my hand keeps gently pushing Jane's shoulder, still trying to wake her. "Your mom's having a bad dream so we have to wake her."

Sam nods. "Please wake Mommy."

"I'm trying." I push Jane's shoulder harder and raise my voice. "Jane! Jane, sweetheart! Wake up!"

"NO!" She suddenly shoots up in bed and opens her eyes, looking frantically around the room, panting heavily.

"It's just a dream, Jane." I stroke Jane's hair out of her face where it's sticking to her forehead. "We're here."

I know what her dreams are about. She doesn't have to tell me. She dreams about her worst fears and I know all of those. I know her fears, her passions, her love and her heart. Her worst fear is to lose Sam, that's it. Like my fear is to lose Jane, her fear is to lose her daughter.

"She's here," I say softly as I gently pull Sam closer towards her mother. "She's fine."

Jane sighs and I can see she's desperately trying to hold back her tears. She doesn't want to cry in front of Sam. She wants to stay strong for her, no matter what. She's not even surprised that I immediately guessed what she dreamt about. She knows how well I know her.

"Mama?" Sam asks, looking at Jane with wide eyes.

Jane manages a small smile and pulls her daughter into her lap, hugging the girl tightly to her chest. "I'm okay, baby," she whispers, her voice hoarse and laced with unshed tears. "I'm fine, I'm here."

I can't help it. I want to restrain myself, but I can't. The look in her eyes, the way her expression screams pain and fear… I cup her cheek and want to press my lips against hers, but Jane moves her head down so my lips end up on her forehead. I kiss it repeatedly, desperately wanting to comfort my aching love. I know she doesn't want Sam to know how our relationship progressed, but it still hurts me a little. I love Sam and Jane with all my heart and I want to be able to express that. It makes me aware of the fact that Jane is married. Jane is married and Sam has a father.

I pull away and see a sad smile on Jane's face. "Go back to sleep, Sam," she whispers as she places a loving kiss on Sam's golden brown hair. "It's gonna be okay."

Sam nods and I see she's already drifting back to sleep. Jane gently puts her down on the bed next to her and strokes her forehead, watching her daughter falling asleep.

I feel conflicted. On the one hand, I want to stay and make sure Jane goes to sleep without more nightmares. I know that when she has one, they often occur multiple times that same night so Jane chooses not to sleep at all. I don't want that to happen. With all the stress and hurt, she desperately needs her sleep. But, this is not my place. I'm not Jane's wife, girlfriend, or anything for that matter. I'm not Sam's mother. This is not my place.

After taking a deep breath, I stand up but I feel Jane's hand grabbing my arm. I look down at her and meet with those deep, brown eyes that have tears shimmering in them. The pleading look in her eyes say what I know she wants to ask me. Stay.

"Sam…" I whisper, looking at the three-year old, watching Jane's long fingers making soothing strokes along the girl's hairline.

"She's out," Jane whispers back. A single tear trickles down her cheek. "Please?"

I can never say no to that. Jane holds up the covers for me and I slid in next to her, feeling her arm wrapping around my shoulders, her other arm occupied soothing Sam. I wrap one arm around Jane's waist and use the other to trace her cheekbone, marveling at her beauty in the dark. "It was a bad one, wasn't it?" I whisper softly, referring to her dream.

Jane nods and stares into the dark. "Yeah."

I kiss her jaw and when I pull back, I see that her eyes are closed and her face is starting to relax. I continue a trail of kisses along her jaw, up to her cheekbone and back, ending at the corner of her mouth. Suddenly Jane turns her head and captures my lips in a kiss. The kiss isn't sexy or hot but I've never felt so much love poured into a single kiss. I feel her pain, I feel her nerves and I feel her love. I feel all of it and I take it all in.

We break the kiss but I don't want it to end. I kiss her again, and again and again. Slow and then quick. Loving and then sweet, hard and then soft. I want to make sure she feels how much I love her. I want to make sure she knows she's safe with me and that everything will be okay. Even if I can't possibly know what's going to happen in all this, I know that everything will be okay. Because Jane Rizzoli is strong enough to make it okay.

"Maur, I…"

"Shh, it's okay." I stroke her cheek with my thumbs, noticing how her skin is pale and breaking out here and there from stress. I see the dark circles under her eyes and know she needs to sleep. "Sleep, Jane. I'm here."

She nods and pecks my lips again. "I'm here too," she whispers back.

We snuggle down into the blankets, me curling up into her side, one arm wrapping under Jane's waist as the other rests on her chest, making soft circles with my thumb along her jaw. I rest my head on Jane's shoulder and kiss her neck. I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep in one bed with her without taking it further than just kissing, but I was wrong. All I need is her arms. All I need is to have her close to me, her steady heartbeat, the sound of her slow breaths and her strong arm around me. That's all I'll ever need. In this moment, I don't even care if we never move on from where we are now. I don't care if she's never ready to take our relationship further. This is all I need.

"Maura," she whispers, quietly breaking the silence.

"Hm?"

"I have to talk to that lawyer tomorrow."

I sigh deeply, thinking about the lawyer we hired for her. She's going to take this to court and Casey will be arrested. It's not a tough case, but she needs a lawyer anyway. "Yes, you do."

"Do I have to go to court?"

"Eventually, yes. But it's not like you have to testify in front of a grand jury. It's a rather small case. There's plenty of evidence, he's forced into rehab and already under pre-arrest."

"Do you think…" Jane quietly clears her throat and I know she's trying to find words. "Do you think everyone needs to find out?"

"What do you mean?"

She sighs deeply and I can feel her discomfort. I squeeze her side and place a kiss on her neck, urging her to go on.

"I don't want people to know how stupid I've been," she whispers finally. "They still respect me."

"They will no matter what, Jane."

"Why would you respect a woman who let her husband beat her up? A woman who let her husband beat her kid up?" She huffs and I feel her self-hatred. "There's nothing to respect."

"You made it through," I whisper, popping myself up on my elbow so I can look at her in the dark.

"I don't want people to know how weak I am. I just… I just want to keep this quiet."

"First of all, Jane, you are not weak. You made it through all this and that makes you the strongest woman I've ever known." I lean in to kiss her lips and cup her cheek with my right hand. "Second of all, you're going to file for divorce, it'll be difficult to keep that quiet. He will be arrested."

"Divorce…"

I swallow a lump in my throat and feel my stomach tying in a knot. What if she doesn't want a divorce? But she said she didn't want to go back to him. She said she wanted to be with me. That can't happen if she's married to him. Can it? "I'm sorry, I… I assumed…"

"No, you're right," Jane whispers, her expression blank. "It just... Still sounds strange."

"It's your choice, Jane." I don't want it to be her choice, but it is. I want it to be my choice, but I know it's far from it. She has to decide.

Jane sighs and averts her gaze towards the ceiling. "All I know is how good it feels to have you here with me right now," she whispers so quietly I can barely hear it.

It can be like this always. We could be together, falling asleep in each other's arms after putting our daughter to sleep. Our daughter. Our bed. Our love. It can be like this, I know it can. But I don't say it. I don't want to manipulate her in any way. She has to make her choice, she has to make up her mind and think about what she wants. She knows what I want. She knows I want all of this. Now she has to find her way to knowing what she wants.

"I love you, Jane," I whisper at lack for better words. I could say so many things, but I choose not to. I decide to just tell her how I feel, like she deserves. "I love you and you don't have to say it back. I just want you to know how much I care about you and how much I…"

I hesitate, examining her facial expression. She seems lost in thought but I know she's listening to my words. "I just want you to know I love you with all my heart, I have for a very long time and I will for an even longer time to come."

"How long?" Jane whispers, not moving her attention from the ceiling.

"How long what?"

"How… How long have you been in love with me?"

"Does it really matter?" I ask softly, still caressing her cheek with my thumb. I look at her face and see the tears that are hiding behind her walls. I know she doesn't allow them to fall, but I see them anyway. "I love you. I'm in love with you, all of you."

"I…" Jane whispers, but I feel her heartbeat speeding and her breath quickening.

"You don't have to say it back, Jane," I answer softly and I mean it. I know she loves me, that's enough.

"I want to," she answers, finally looking at me. "Because I do."

I smile and press my lips against hers, capturing them in a quick but loving kiss. I feel her breath hitching in her throat, but her eyes are still dry when I pull back. "You can cry," I whisper, my face inches away from hers, "I'm here."

"I don't want to break," Jane whispers in response, again looking away from me.

"You won't. I won't let you."

Jane looks back at me and I see such gratefulness in her eyes. "I can't," she whispers, her voice barely above a breath. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's okay. I'm here when you can."

I see a grateful smile and kiss it before snuggling back into her side. God, this feels good. In my wildest imagination I couldn't have thought how right this would feel. Us, together in each other's arms, Sam sleeping peacefully next to us. I love her. I love them. I love us.