Hello, here is another chapter. Sorry for the wait. I hope you enjoy it!
Oh, and thank you so much for the kind reviews. I have a very busy schedule and knowing that you like the story honestly push me to find some time to write more.
For those of you asking for more drama and danger, I think you are going to like what I have planned for the next chapters :)
"Kevin Atwater was an excellent detective, an incredible brother and a respectful man". The overflow of mourners stood under black umbrellas while Antonio Dawson conducted the memorial. The rain was falling nonstop, washing over the precinct walls and making large puddles on the ground. "His big size used to intimidate others, but all of his friends and family knew that the he was one of the kindest man on earth. He had and amazing heart and loved his job more than anything in the world. The little boy from one of the toughest neighborhoods of Chicago followed his dreams and became a police officer…".
Jay watched as Erin wiped a tear with the corner of a handkerchief. She was trying her hardest not to cry, pretending to be the strong woman everyone was used to. Since the day of the rescue, there had been a lot of that: pretending. She pretended to be emotionally fine, while he could still see that she was hurting inside. She pretended that her injuries had healed but he could see that she still had difficulties to move around with the cast and used a lot of make up to cover the fading bruises on her face. She pretended that she did not care that her father got away but Jay had noticed her stiff posture every time his name was mentioned. She pretended that she wasn't too much affected by Atwater's death but he could see behind the mask. She blamed herself for it, believing that it was her fault.
She was deluding herself if she thought that she was doing a good job hiding her true emotions from him. He could see right through her deception. He was an expert in Erin Lindsay from being her partner for so long and caring so deeply. He knew she put up too many walls and he knew the way to get past them.
However, this time things were different. He was as concerned as he was hurt by her facade. As a part of her I-am-tough act, she chose to pretend that the kiss had not happened. She had dragged their relationship right back to the only partners territory. Jay thought that by giving her space she would come around. He had not mentioned the kiss and the love declaration, hoping that one day she would want to talk about it. Nevertheless, to his dismay, she remained silent, acting as everything was completely normal.
On the other side, to easy his frustration, he could feel that there was a different light in her eyes when she looked at him. He could feel the lingering touches and the warmth of her voice. She was showing that she cared and taking down some of the thick walls that protected her heart but every time he tried to take another step in the romantic direction, she lightly shut him down. She was sending him mixed signals, making him uneasy about their relationship.
Jay chose to believe that she was doing it not because she was not interested in a romantic relationship, but because she was confused, overwhelmed with everything that had happened in the last few days. She was emotionally and physically exhausted so he would wait for her to be ready. He promised himself that he would give her more space even if he yearned to touch her, to kiss her, to say that he loved her.
His eyes scanned her police uniform, noticing that she had lost a few pounds. The fabric was a little looser around her lithe body. That did not concerned him much because he had lost some weight too from all the stress.
His ribs were still hurting like hell even with the painkillers, making it difficult to do easy things like walk and breathe. His bruises were still evident, staring straight at him when he looked in the mirror. A constant reminder of what they both just went through. Sleeping was not easy, since the memories from the last days were hunting his dreams, keeping him awake almost every night since the kidnapping.
Adding all of that to the frustration of worrying about Erin's take on their relationship status was driving him almost crazy. Almost.
Antonio finished his speech and returned to the crowd of officers. He was visibly emotional, almost as emotional as he had been at Jules memorial. The chief walked towards the wall and said another couple of words, promising that Atwater's death had not been in vain, that they were investigating it and that the people responsible would pay.
Jay wanted to believe in him, but he knew that they did not have much to go on. Matei had kept his mouth shut and Voight was waiting a few more days to question the man himself. Right now, the media attention to the case was making it impossible to bend the law a little bit. Mouse had given them a deposition explaining that they had come to him, asking for his hacking services. They offered a lot of money asking him to make a few money trails disappear. He told Ruzek that when he had accepted the offer he genuinely believed that they were only making illegal bank transactions. Once he had gotten more involved with the gang, he discovered some interesting information: the money was coming from a nonprofit organization that was partly founded by the government. Mouse started digging around but did not discover much more. Fifteen million dollars came every month to a freshly opened account and was transferred trough a chain of other bank accounts. Mouse's job was to make the money untraceable before finally transferring it to a single account in Romania.
With that information, the Intelligence unit used Mouse's abilities to find that Romania account again. When they did, it was completely empty. The gang must be covering their tracks and erasing everything.
Once Voight had learned there was a possibility of the US Government being involved in some way, he had shut the whole investigation down. He told them to wait for the media to back off and advised all of them to take a few personal days to recover from Atwater's death.
Jay was not as involved as he wanted to be. He had not been to the precinct since before finding Erin and did not get to talk to Mouse. He had stayed with her in the hospital for three days. Voight came at night and Jay went straight to his apartment to get a good night of sleep, knowing she was safe with the Sargent. Next day he would be back to the hospital setting Voight free from his duty.
They had never left Erin alone since the accident much to her frustration. Voight had been very clear about that: You cannot be alone as your father could still be around waiting to do something. Therefore, for three days they performed that routine: Voight had the night shift and Jay the day shift. Nadia would come by and entertain Erin whenever she was able to. Platt had visited and brought some pie; Ruzek and Burgess visited together and Antonio came by two times. Al visited every day for a couple of minutes, always kind and generous. Each time any one of them came Jay and Erin grilled them about the case. They wanted news, details, information about the plan of action.
After missing Atwater's funeral, Erin had begged the doctors to let her go to Atwater's memorial and they complied. They prescribed a few painkillers to the broken arm and scheduled a checkup appointment. Jay was happy that she was getting out of that horrible obscenely impersonal room. Being with her there every day was driving him crazy but at least he could go home when Voight arrived to stay with her. He could not imagine how eager she was to finally set a foot outside that antiseptic smelling place.
Now, watching her reaction to the memorial Jay was not so sure anymore that this was a good idea. She was struggling to keep control of her emotions but she was not doing a good job. Everyone could see that she was afflicted, fighting with an invisible guilt that no one but herself thought it made sense.
Erin Lindsay was a mess. She looked like a mess and she felt like a mess. She hid the bruises and acted tough but she knew that she was not fooling anyone. Voight had been a pile of nerves and worry for the last few days, acting as he used to when he first took her in, assuming the role of the over-protective, suffocating father. He never let her be alone and was constantly checking over his shoulder. He was afraid that her biological father would do something foolish and he was afraid that she would not handle the pressure and crumble down.
On the other side, she had a very nervous Jay. She could feel the worry and frustration radiating from his body even when he was trying hard to hide it. She could feel his eyes on her direction and made herself not look at him.
Why was she pushing Jay away? To be honest, she was not sure of the answer. She could sense his frustration and disappointment. They had processed their love for each other and then sealed it with a kiss. Not just any kiss, an earth-shattering life-awakening kiss. And now she was pretending that it never happened.
That made her feel disappointed with herself. She was letting Jay down and even letting herself down. However, how could her be selfish enough to focus on her love life right now? Atwater was dead. Her father was on the run. The more they dug on the case, the more complicated things got. The idea of being happy with Jay right now sounded so egoistical and narcissistic that she refrained herself from acting on her feelings.
The most logical solution for their dilemma was to wait. Cool it until everything was normal again and that horrible last days were nothing but a distant memory. Right? Or, no? Was she making a horrible mistake? Was she ruining everything?
Pushing that inner conflict aside, she focused back on the memorial. Atwater was like a little brother to her - a little annoying brother. He and Ruzek used to make fun of her, throw things at her and annoy her to hell. They were always mocking her proximity with Jay, calling them out on it, making bets on whenever they had slept together already or not. But he was part of their family. More than that, he was a young and competent officer, always ready for some action.
Now he was dead because of her. All of his dreams, ambitions and hopes thrown away in an attempt to save her life. Her life… the life of an ex-addict whose father was behind some kind of fraud or money laundering scam. That was the worst part. Atwater deserved to live so much more than she did…
The guilt and shame consumed her thoughts as she watched the rest of the memorial service. As the commander stepped down and revealed the plaque specially made in Atwater's honor, Erin could not take it any longer. She stepped back from the crowd of officers that gathered on the front of the district building and distanced herself as fast as she could without calling much attention.
She heard footsteps behind her but kept walking. She crossed the street and turned around the corner swiftly. The footsteps were still following her. Now that nobody could see her, she abruptly turned around. "JAY! Can't you…-". She started yelling, the desperation engulfing her raspy voice.
To her complete surprise, Antonio Dawson stood before her. He looked taken back from her outburst but quickly composed himself. He took a step closer, keeping his full attention on her. "You can't do that to yourself". His tone was harsh, reprimanding.
She was at a loss of words to answer him.
"When Jules died I almost spiraled out of control. I loved and respected her as a friend and as a work partner. After we got Diego back, I could not sleep anymore, blaming myself and thinking that I should have protected her better. One day I drank so much that Laura had to take me to the hospital to get some glycose into my blood. After that day, I realized that it was fruitless. Blaming myself would not bring her back. She knew of the risks. She understood the dangers of being a police officer. She died with honor and I'm proud that I got the chance to be her partner. There is not a day on this job that I don't miss her".
"Antonio…". Erin tried to argue but he cut her off by grabbing her uninjured hand. His hand was bigger than hers was and he used it to keep her firmly in place. It was as if he was making sure that she was listening to the honesty of his words.
"I can see the guilt consuming you and right now you gotta promise me that you're not going down that path. It's a freaking rabbit hole, Erin. Atwater knew the risk and he chose this profession any way. Don't take the honor away from his death by thinking that it was your fault".
Erin could only stare at his dark eyes, feeling completely exposed. "Go back there with me and let's pay our tributes to him. Then we start looking for the people truly responsible for his death. That's what he would have wanted… not this".
He finally let go of her hand and started walking back in the direction of the memorial, an open invite for her to follow. Erin took a few seconds to process his words and then, without wasting any time, she walked after him.
To Erin's surprise, Voight had asked Jay to take her home after Atwater's memorial. She protested, asking to go upstairs to check how the investigation was going but Voight had been adamant about her going to her apartment. "Go to your apartment and pack a bag. You're going to stay with me for a couple of days. Jay will stay with you until I come pick you up later", he had ordered.
She knew that arguing was fruitless, so she complied. Jay opened the door to her apartment with his spare key. They had changed spare keys after working together for 6 months in case anything bad happened. He put down the duffle bag that Nadia had packed for Erin on the couch and went straight to the refrigerator.
Erin walked inside slowly, letting her eyes get used to her living space after so many days away from it. She sighted, noticing that Nadia had not taken a good care of the place. She could see a pile of unwashed dishes beside the sink and Nadia's gym bag over the coffee table. She had not taken out the trash and had left her dirty running shoes beside the door. That girl could be SO messy sometimes… But Erin loved having her around. She was a great person and a great friend.
Jay came back with a beer and sat himself down on the sofa. He was used to being inside her apartment since they usually watched Breaking Bad marathons every Wednesday nights there. He patted the cushion beside his body and Erin immediately sat there.
"Don't I get a beer?". She asked, pointing to his Budweiser.
"Nope". He simply answered and drank another long gulp of the ice-cold amber liquid, openly teasing her.
She frowned. "Well, can I at least get a sip from yours? I think I deserve it after this day".
"Nope". He told her and lifted his eyelids in defiance, clearly enjoying the situation. She narrowed her eyes at him. "You can't mix alcohol with the painkillers you are taking".
"I'm not taking any painkillers". She nonchalantly said and watched his reaction, her green eyes searching for every micro-expression displayed on his face.
He looked honestly surprised. "What? Since When?"
"Since I woke up on that hospital bed and asked the nurse to stop with the medication". She stared straight into his ocean blue eyes and chose to be completely honest and open with him. If they wanted to have a relationship after everything was over, she wanted to remind him of her dark past. She wanted him to see her every flaw, to see that she was not perfect, that she was broken. If he still wanted to be with her after it, maybe their happiness deserved a shot. "I'm an ex-addict, Jay. You saw my file. I can't take any heavy painkillers for a long period of time because I am inclined to develop addiction to them".
He still looked surprised. Maybe from the information she just relied to him or maybe because she was being so open about it.
"That arm must be killing you". He pointed at her cast and she could not read any disgust, accusation or distrust from his face, only fondness.
She smiled at him. "It's not that bad. Can I have some beer now?".
He mischievously smiled back, accepting the change of subject. "Nope. This is mine and it's the last one from your fridge". He quickly gulped the rest of the cold liquid and put the empty bottle down on the coffee table.
She was stunned for a few seconds. Firstly because of his easiness with her past and secondly with his audacity to drink her last beer without giving her even a little sip. "Ah, come on Halstead. I'm injured here, I deserve special care".
His pupils immediately dilated a little as his mind went straight to the gutter. "If you ask nicely, I could take really good care of you". He said, his voice laced with a dark and lusty component to it that she had never witnessed before. It boiled her blood and made her stomach do a cartwheel. He was good at this. Too good.
"Oh, really?". She sarcastically challenged him after regaining control of her emotions.
"Yeah, really. I could start with some massage… but I would have to take that uniform off your body in order to get better access…".
She scoffed, pretending to be offended with his flirting. He gently put a hand on her shoulder and slowly dragged it down her right arm. She was unable to stop him, too stunned at the electricity of his touch. Goosebumps covered her skin, making it impossible to hide the effect that it was having on her. She was hypnotized.
What were they doing? They were just at Atwater's memorial. She just had made the choice to wait until the case was over.
This is not a good idea. This is not a good idea. This is not a good idea. This is… The thoughts dissipated from her mind as she lost herself completely on his gentle and electrifying touch.
"Jay…". She quietly protested, her voice almost inaudible. A very week last attempt to do not cross the invisible line that they had stipulated so long ago.
Jay felt his blood pumping through his veins as he watched her say his name. Why wasn't she pushing him away? It started as just as their usual flirty banter, but quickly elevated to something more. Her body language was clearly displaying that she wanted it as much as he did. She was unconsciously licking her lips and staring into his lips, her pupils dilated with lust.
Wasn't he supposed to give her some space? Wasn't she supposed to stop him? What if… Suddenly he kissed her without any warning. Straight on the mouth. With so much passion, that it left both of them dizzy. He pushed his thong around her lips asking for permission to enter and she quickly granted it.
Her uninjured hand found its way to his hair and she ran her fingers through it. Jay's hand slipped from her arm to her waist and he slowly pushed her back against the sofa. His ribs protested but he ignored it, too absorbed on the kiss to care.
Two battered bodies so close to each other that you could not distinguish where one began and where on ended. Two broken souls bonding in a way that sucked all the air out of the apartment. The heat from their connection was consuming every thought, every doubt. Neither lost any more time dwelling about right or wrong. This was happening and it felt good and right, just like their first kiss after Erin's rescue.
He disconnect their mouths only to swiftly take his shirt out, lusting at the way her eyes got darker as she appreciated his toned torso. Oh God, he had imagined this moment so many times and real life was still a hundred times better.
Suddenly, he watched her expression go straight from lust to horror. Her body froze beneath him, almost in shock. The sudden change of behavior caught him off guard.
"Jay…". Her eyes were big, filled with sorrow. She hesitantly touched his torso with her uninjured hand and he finally understood. Her delicate fingers traced the black and blue bruises that tainted his creamy skin. "You said you were ok".
"It's nothing". He told her, a sloppy smile covering his lips. He could see the guilt on her expression. "And it's definitely not your fault".
She was not paying attention. Her eyes were fixed on the damage. "I am so sorry".
"Erin, don't. If you start paying attention to my bruises, I will start to pay attention to yours and it will ruin the moment. I absolutely hate to see you hurt like this. It make by blood boil inside my veins. But we are here and we are alive and right now I want to celebrate it".
She finally adverted her eyes from his chest and fixed them on his. He took that as a sign to move on and instantly captured her lips again. Jay's expert hands undid the button of her shirt and he threw both shirts on the ground somewhere.
His lips traveled to collarbone, giving sloppy open mouth kisses on the way. She moaned beneath him and his heart skip a beat. He took his sweet time feeling the contrast of her soft skin and his wet lips before hungrily moving on to her right breast.
A loud noise interrupted the make out session, completely dragging both officers from dreamland into the real world. As they lifted their heads to look at the direction of the disturbance, the door from Erin's apartment exploded into a million shards of wood.
Uh, oh. :O
NEST CHAPTER: expect more drama, more action and more Linstead running for their lives.
Please leave a review telling me if you liked the chapter. I put on the other chapters some references to TV shows that I like (Friends, Dexter, etc). Do you have any special requests?
