Hey there, I am back and here's the next chapter. I am still sick and that is not gonna change for a while but I found a way to continue to write my story anyway. Read and enjoy...and review! (I kinda begged for reviews the last time and suddenly I got more... maybe I should do that more often, it seems to help g since I always like to hear people's opinions on my work cause they make me continue writing... begging for honest but fair reviews) ;)

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9. It is all haywire

"I try to say that it was like they weren't after lord Kudo...but after us." Sakura said into the silence. She was sitting on the floor cross-legged. Naruto and Sasuke were sitting on chairs while Kakashi was leaning against the wall, his arms folded.

"How can you say that? Sure, they were attacking us! After all, we guarded the carriage." Naruto answered hot tempered after some moments of silence.

"Naruto!" Kakashi said calmly. He turned his head to Sakura.

"Go on, Sakura." Sakura nodded.

"One of the most important rules for a shinobi is to conceal his presence and hide. Even genins know that." Sakura said, but added something to it.

"Well, most do anyway." She looked to Naruto and grinned, but it wasn't a nice grin. Naruto knew exactly what she was hinting at. At the very first day of training with Kakashi he had used his 'bell test' where he wanted to test their skills. After they started, Sasuke and Sakura had hidden themselves like they were supposed to, but as always Naruto surprised everyone, ignoring every tactical know-how he should have had. Naruto jumped up from his chair, his fist pointed at her, his face angry. Sakura still grinned.

Kakashi had already sensed the change in Sakura after the attack. Her behaviour was once again totally cold towards Naruto and Sasuke. She used every opportunity to provoke Naruto. He was already starting to scream at Sakura, but fortunately Kakashi was able to interrupt him.

"Naruto! Don't. You can kill each other later, but right now I want to hear what Sakura has to say. Sakura. Stop it." Naruto once again sat down, his gaze on her and his arms folded. Sakura looked challenging to Kakashi, but diverted her attention from him to the opposite wall. Kakashi could've sworn that he saw a trace of regret in her eyes, but it was hard to tell due to the coldness in them.

"However, those ninja did both of that very poorly. No jounin in his right senses would attack from the open and reveal himself to his enemy. But they did and I suppose they were jounin-level. They didn't even tried to hide themselves. That's only the first thing. Before I fought the one who ran away - what he didn't really do cause he was playing with me - he said something. He said: 'They sent you and this pathetic team of yours after we wrote that letter? Damn, what is Konoha thinking, hm? I thought they would send someone strong here after all.' That sounded like they expected someone to be with lord Kudo, but stronger ninja. Obviously he wasn't aware that not all jounin from Konoha are wearing the 'normal' attire. He thought we were genin or chuunin. But why would he be interested in that when he wants to attack a person we are trying to protect? That doesn't make any sense. And the other thing is... he knew that there already were other ninja with lord Kudo otherwise he wouldn't have said that. Tsunade sent us here after the letter arrived. It seems that it was their intention that more or stronger ninja would be sent here after they wrote that letter." Sakura paused briefly. She looked to Kakashi again, his face stoic. But she was able to see that he already came to the same conclusion like her. But there was more she had to say.

"Attacking in this area and the way they did was pure suicide. If they had intended to attack the carriage, they would have done that in an area where we would have had to fight close to the carriage and not in an area where we and them were able to spread out unless... they were after us and not the carriage." Sakura finished to explain her point of view. Before Kakashi had any chance of a comment, Sasuke cut in.

"You said that it was pure suicide -which it was- but..why would anyone do that? Even if they thought we were genin the three Kakashi and I fought never made an attempt to run away after they realised we were stronger than them. Why? That's not logical. Unless... they didn't care if they died or lived." Kakashi nodded to both of them.

"You are both right about what you said and I agree. I will inform Tsunade about it. We will stay here until I get other instructions from her. Maybe we are able to gather some informations if we stay here." Kakashi said.

"Sasuke, Naruto could you search Etsuko or Shiro and tell them that we will be staying for the time being?" They nodded and walked out of the room silently. Kakashi stayed, leaning relaxed against the wall. He was looking straight ahead. Sakura was turning to the door...

"Sakura!" Kakashi called out to her, calmly. She stopped, her back facing him. She turned her head until he saw the profile of her face, black bangs covering her eye.

"Don't do something like that again. I think I don't need to tell you what will happen if you do." That was all he said. Without answering anything, she turned her head and walked out of the room.

"Dammit. Why did you do that?"

I was tempted to say that to him...

"Hell, it would have been funny if you had smiled warmly to him, but you grinned like evil! You really think they will respect you if you keep on doing things like that? Especially... well, let me think... Kakashi?"

Oh shut up!

But deep inside, far beyond the knowledge of her inner self, Sakura began to fear herself. She had no clue why she did what she did. Hell, they would never accept her or even... The thought slipped her mind when she felt a horrible headache rising in the depths of her head, the throbbing pain on the sides of her temples already affecting her.

Great. Really great! What have I done to deserve this?

"Well..."

Don't you dare lecturing me! You will make it worse! So shut the hell up...

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Naruto and Sasuke were walking side by side through the little village after they had a short talk with Kakashi about their next plans. In a quiet moment without Naruto listening, Kakashi had told Sasuke to take Naruto for a walk in order for him to calm down. Sasuke sighed.

Calm Naruto down? What was Kakashi thinking? When Naruto is in such a mood, there's only one person able to calm him down and that person certainly is not me. Damn, I am not Hinata.

"What is this all about? Why is Sakura suddenly mean again? She was relatively normal the whole time, at least she wasn't mean!" Naruto murmured at Sakura's behaviour. Sasuke knew that Naruto was not just angry, but also hurt deeply. Again.

"Naruto! Calm down. She just wanted to provoke you." Sasuke tried to reason him.

"Oh yeah?! You think?! Well it's working! And what's wrong with Kakashi?! He was holding me back, damit! He has no right to do that, not with Sakura talking about me like that and mocking me!" Naruto continued to grumble loudly while Sasuke's patience grew thin. Sasuke stopped walking and with a deep breath, he tackled Naruto and pushed him against the wall of a near building. Naruto was too shocked to do something and just grew silent.

"Naruto! He has every right to do that. Sakura was just playing with you! Didn't you hear what she said? That guy called her pathetic and I guess she didn't like to hear that. Maybe that snapped her out of her 'nice' mood. That's the reason why she is trying to provoke you now. Don't listen to it. Besides, I think if you want the old Sakura back, you have to trust Kakashi with this. He brought me back to my senses too and I think, whatever Tsunade-sama and Kakashi planned, it's working but it needs time and Sakura having a fight with you would certainly not be helpful." When Sasuke saw that Naruto understood and was calm again, he released him from his grip and stepped back. Naruto stood there, still leaning against the wall, his shoulders hanging down.

"Do you really think she will be back and be herself?" Naruto asked with doubt, but he knew that even Sasuke was just hoping that the answer he gave him was true.

"I hope so. If not..." He never finished his answer, because both knew what would happen. Sakura would became dangerous -of course she already was- but without any control over her, she would be much more dangerous for Konoha than Sasuke had ever been. He always had a goal to achieve and everyone knew that he would work on reaching it, but Sakura had none. What would she do if she wasn't needed -or welcomed- in Konoha anymore? Both Naruto and Sasuke continued to walk in silence, both thinking about Sakura, hoping that she would come to her senses sooner or later.

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One week later, they were still staying with lord Kudo, but not mainly for protecting him, but to find informations -which they hadn't. The whole week, Sakura separated herself from the others whenever she had the chance to. Most of the times she sat outside thinking, staring into the distance with once again cold eyes. The other times she would train and try to enhance some of her taijutsu moves. She hardly spoke to anyone and did only if she had to. Whenever someone actually tried it she would be rude, snubbing and sometimes horrid.

Flashback:

Sakura sat in the garden cross-legged, her eyes closed and her back facing the warming sun. Her head was bowed and her eyes were shielded by her long black bangs and her hair hanging loose over her back. Sasuke sighed. Against better judgement, he wanted to try and talk to Sakura. He jumped down from the veranda and approached her slowly, his hands inside the pockets of his trousers. Sakura felt his presence and opened her eyes when he stopped behind her. He cleared his throat.

"Sakura, I..." He started with his normal voice, but was interrupted by Sakura's cold and unforgiving one.

"Don't, Sasuke. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone. Just leave me alone."

"But Sakura, maybe I can..."

"Help me? Help me with what?" She chuckled evilly. "You think you went through what I am going through right now before you left Konoha and left me behind?" She turned her head in his direction. "Well, let me tell you something." She raised her head and he was able to see her eyes which had an evil expression in them. If Sasuke had not been used to eyes like hers, he would have jerked a little. "I don't care if you want to help me or kill me or do something else. I really don't care anymore. But I am not going through what you went through. You can't compare me with you. Cause I am not you." She emphasised her last words, spat them out at him disgustedly while she turned her head again.

End Flashback

After this conversation, Sasuke stayed away from her like everyone else.

Yesterday, they had escorted lord Kudo back. Tomorrow, early in the morning, they would go back to Konoha since they were sure now that lord Kudo wasn't in any danger anymore. Sakura was looking forward to leave. She had been able to avoid everyone, but today it was especially hard to avoid Mai. It seemed that she was following her around. Sakura was walking down a corridor, hoping that the day would be over soon.

"Sakura!" She heard a little high voice from behind. Sakura stopped and distorted her face in annoyance. She knew exactly who the voice belonged to.

Damn. I don't want this.

"Sakura!" Mai caught up with her and continued to run until she stood in front of Sakura. She had a big smile on her face.

"Sakura, could you come with me to Saki, plleeaassee? I want you to meet her and Etsuko has no time." Mai asked with her pleading voice and with her puppy dog eyes. Sakura had problems breathing and it felt like her stomach turned and twisted inside her abdomen.

"I... I can't Mai. I have no time for it. Maybe you could ask someone else?" Sakura tried to sound nice and reassuringly, but there still was a trace of coldness audible in her voice. Today of all days Mai wasn't overhearing 'bad' tones in Sakura's voice and her face became sad and hurt right away, tears forming in her eyes.

"Why are you so mean to me?!" Tears started to flow down her cheeks, she turned around and ran away. Sakura made a motion as to hold her back with her right hand, but it was already too late.

"Mai... Because I don't have the strength to deal with you right now..." Sakura replied gentle, but Mai couldn't hear it anymore. Sakura's face showed the pain she felt right now. She never wanted to let Mai down or to hurt her, but she had.

"Sakura?" The voice was calm and gentle. Sakura turned her head in surprise to the source of the voice, taking in a deep breath when she realised who it was. It was Etsuko. Sakura swallowed, and tried to smile. Etsuko had a look of sympathy on her face and a reassuringly smile on her face.

"You heard...?" Sakura was unsure what to do or say to the elderly woman, so she asked the first thing that came to her mind.

"Yes, I did." Etsuko approached Sakura and stopped right in front of her.

"I am so... " Sakura started, the confusion and regret she felt audible in her voice and visible in her face.

"You don't have to apologise. I am old, but I can still see and hear more things than others do especially when it comes to people interact with each other... I don't know what painful things happened to you in the past and right now and for the things I am going tell you it doesn't matter." Etsuko made a little pause, searching for resistance inside Sakura's face, but there was none and she continued.

"Let me give you some advice. If you use it, is up to you... The people we meet in our life and we surround ourselves and share a close friendship with show us who we really are deep inside. They influence us with everything they do, or don't do, say or chose to conceal. They influence our own actions, the way we think and most importantly... they influence the way we live. Having no friends or I might better say...choosing not to have some is like being nothing. Without them... we are nothing, cause who will see what we do? How we live our life. Who would care what our life is like? Who would share it with us, if not friends? I don't think you want to be nothing. At least I hope, because I think you are special once you accept it that you are." Etsuko finished, stepped closer to Sakura and laid a hand on her shoulder. She squeezed it reassuringly and walked by Sakura. But before she left Sakura, she turned her head once more.

"And don't worry about Mai. I will talk to her. I am sure she will understand and hold no grudge towards you. Cause she likes you. As a friend." Sakura was still paralized from the things Etsuko had told her and when she startled out of it, Etsuko was gone. She took in a deep breath and tried to take in everything Etsuko said.

She is right, but I don't have the strength for that now.

"You have the strength..."

No. I don't.

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The next day, they returned to Konoha by afternoon. The night and the day had been torture for Sakura. She was confused, hurt and emotions and memories rushed through her head, uncontrollable emotions and memories which she tried hard to hold back but couldn't. She avoided to talk to the other three, stayed away from them the whole day. She was just glad that when they finally reached Konoha, she would be able to be completely alone, left alone to try and sort this whole mess out. Alone. That's what Sakura wanted to be right now. She sighed when she saw the village appearing in the distance and she hurried to get to it. Nobody paid attention to her behaviour now, because Naruto had quickened his pace too to get to Hinata faster.

When Sakura walked through the entrance gate, she closed her eyes for a short moment, taking in a deep breath. She was so close to being alone, being able to think about everything that happened the last weeks. Kakashi and the others approached from behind.

"I will go and report to Tsunade that we are back. You take off for the rest of the day." Kakashi said lazily, one of his perverted books already in his hand. Naruto moved to Kakashi's side and was obviously talking to him about something. Sasuke just nodded and took off. Sakura wanted to do the same when she heard someone call her name from the distance. She cringed mentally.

No. No please. This is not... I can't.. I don't want to hurt...

"Sakura! You are back!" Sakura hadn't paid any attention to her surroundings and wanted to smack herself on the head for it now. In front of her was Hinata, smiling. She hadn't changed much since Sakura had seen her the last time. Her hair was a little longer and there was something in her eyes that hadn't been there one year ago, but Sakura wasn't able to tell what it was. And right now she didn't care. She just couldn't care.

"Hinata, I..." Sakura answered uneasy and unsure what to say. She searched for Naruto with her eyes, nearly panicking. And when the panic rushed over her, fought her down, she did what she had done the whole year to protect herself from her own feelings. She became cold.

"Hinata, I have no time for you right now, okay? I have more important things to do than to talk to you." Sakura walked by Hinata, trying not to think about her anymore.

Hinata had tears in her eyes when she saw the agony inside Sakura's eyes moments before they went cold. Before she could say anything, she felt Naruto rushing to her side, one hand protectively wrapping around her.

"Sakura! Stay away from her!" Naruto yelled at Sakura in anger after he saw the tears and hurt inside Hinata's pale white eyes, his hand still around Hinata's waist. Sakura didn't turn around, but what she said made him forget everything Kakashi had told him.

"I don't want to come near her, so you can stop yelling, Naruto. I don't care about her the same way I don't care about you." Sakura said, her voice cold and void of any emotions she felt inside. Naruto loosened his grip on Hinata, his face distorted in anger. His blue eyes changed to red one, the whiskers on his cheeks amplified and his canines grew longer. He tried to charge at Sakura, but out of nowhere, Kakashi appeared right in front of him.

"Naruto, calm down!" Kakashi yelled at him, but Naruto ignored him and tried to get past his former sensei. Sakura was aware of the tumult she had created behind her, but she didn't bothered about it. She took off, black Sakura petals flowing in the air. Naruto started to struggle against Kakashi's grip even more when he saw Sakura disappearing.

"Come back, damit!" Naruto growled, still struggling against Kakashi. Naruto stopped when he felt arms wrap themselves around him from behind and the thin voice of Hinata calling out his name.

"Naruto-kun." Hinata leaned her right cheek against his back and relaxed, her eyes closed. He changed back to normal, taking in deep breaths, his head slightly bowed and Kakashi standing in front of him.

"I will take care of her, Naruto. Just calm down." Kakashi said silently, his hand reassuringly resting on his shoulder for some seconds before he took off himself. Naruto and Hinata stayed in their embrace for some moments, before Naruto turned around and wrapped his arms around Hinata, pulling her close to his body. She rested her head on his chest.

"I am so sorry, Hinata." He said, his voice low, the deep hurt he felt audible. Hinata just shook her head. She had felt the same hurt they felt inside Sakura and what she could tell, Sakura knew exactly what she had done. Sakura had provoked him by design. But still, it hurt what she had said, even if Hinata knew what Sakura was going through. Hinata looked up into Naruto's face and she couldn't help but she felt the same emotions radiating from him back when he was still in academy. He relaxed more and Hinata pulled back a little, gave him a sweet and light kiss, moved back and took his hand and started to move towards the center of the village. She tugged at his hand a little to signal him to follow her.

"Let's go home, Narut..." She stopped when she saw Ino and Tenten standing at the other side of the street, both looking very angry.

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Sakura reappeared just outside her apartment. She was breathing heavily. She leaned with her back against the nearest wall, still shocked about the things she had done and said. She closed her eyes, trying to calm herself and fight down the immense pain she felt mentally.

Bang.

She jerked when she heard the impact of a flat hand dashing against the wall just a few centimeters away from her ears. She opened her eyes and looked straight into Kakashi's angry and furious face. He leaned with his hands against the wall, trapping her with his body.

"You will listen to what I have to say and if I have to use my Sharingan to keep you quiet while I talk I will not hesitate to do so." He said with a ferocious voice, breathing heavy.

"I told you not to do something like that again. But what do you do? You go to the next person he cares for. Do you like to torture others and make them feel as horrible as yourself? You enjoy beating up people who are already beaten up and lie on the ground?" Again he let one of his hands dash against the wall to emphasise his words and his voice got dangerously low. "Do you like to destroy the happiness of other people or can't you stand watching other people being happy, while you can't, hm?" Sakura tried to stutter something out, but it made Kakashi even more angry than he already was and once more, his hand dashed against the wall. Sakura jerked. He continued to talk through clenched teeth which made him sound even more dangerous than before and Sakura was shivering mentally.

"I am still talking. I don't care what happened to you in the past how ugly it might have ever been cause right now with what you've done you have lost every right to refer to it in order to explain your actions... Where is the Sakura I respected as a shinobi and liked as a teammate and friend, cause right now you are just pathetic, but I can't bring myself to even pity you. I hope you like what you did today." Kakashi finished, turned around and walked away, leaving Sakura alone. She stayed there for minutes, hours. It was already dark when she walked into her apartment. After she closed the door, she leaned against it and looked to the ceiling emptily. After some moments, she slid down to the ground. She felt like puking, her stomach twisted and turned, she had problems breathing, her throat was narrow and unshed tears stung in her eyes and however hard she tried to cry, she couldn't.

"Together we will find a way..."

Will we? I have lost everything... Why do you let me remember everything? It hurts so much... too much.

"You know that I want to help you. I always did, even if it doesn't look that way. I just did what you wanted me to do."

I know. But I still lost everything because I am so stupid.

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Sakura woke up early the next day with a huge headache. She was still lying on the floor by the door and every bone in her body hurt. Her mouth was dry and her eyes hurt like hell too. She got up from the floor with wobbly feet and walked staggeringly to the kitchen and drank a glass of cool water. After that she went to the bathroom, stripped and got into the shower.

What have I done?

She finished showering after one minute. She got out and dressed, forgetting the bandages around her forearms completely. After she had dried her hair, she put on most of her equipment. She went to her living room and wanted to walk out the door when she was drawn to a special drawer. She stood there, hesitant to open it. After minutes, she reached out for the handle and opened the drawer. She looked inside. And there it was. She looked at it for minutes before she took it out of the drawer. She walked slowly out of her apartment, her head bowed slightly. There was only one place in Konoha left where she wanted to be right now and where she hoped to be able to find some answers.

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Kakashi walked through the village without any certain destination. It was early in the morning but he had not been able to sleep properly anyway. He had his right hand in his pocket and in his left he had one of his books of the 'Icha icha' series. He thought about Sakura and felt somehow guilty. He doubted that yelling at Sakura would help her in any way.

He had had a talk with Tsunade yesterday evening. He had reported back on both, the mission and Sakura. Tsunade was worried and so was he. During their conversation, Tsunade had said one phrase about Sakura he didn't understand. 'Whatever she thinks, I don't blame her for anything. She couldn't have done anything another way.' And when he asked Tsunade, she wouldn't answer him.

He closed his eyes but opened them moments later. He wasn't able to forget the expressions on Sakura's face while he had yelled at her. The pain, guilt, confusion, embarrassment, disgust, fear, despair and regret she was feeling. He sighed.

Maybe I should go and talk to her... No, not right now. Later. Maybe this was too much for her. I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid.

He knew what Sakura had tried to do. She had provoked Naruto and Sasuke on purpose and had made sure that he was watching every time. She knew that at some point, Kakashi would snap since even his patience would wear off at some point. And he had given in to her, yelling at her and telling her what a dreadful person she was. He had done what she had wanted him to do in the first place, but he was sure that she wasn't aware of it herself.

She wanted me to yell at her and tell her all the things I told her, but why?

He changed direction and walked slowly to the training areas... He needed a little peace of mind after all and visiting the cenotaph was going to bring a piece of that back to him.

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Sakura was standing in front of the cenotaph with her head bowed, her black hair hiding her eyes. Her shoulders hang low. She looked at one name on the stone for half an hour now, emotions and memories rushing through her head.

Ota Kazuo.

"You were right with what you said." Sakura said into the silence of the morning, her voice calm but sad. It was relatively cold this morning and Sakura welcomed it. This way she knew that she was still alive.

"You were right that I am pathetic. I realized it a long time ago but choose to ignore it." She added after a while. She turned her head to face Kakashi standing not far away from her on the same spot he had been watching her the last time. After some moments she faced the cenotaph again. Kakashi turned around and started to walk away, but when Sakura began to speak again, he stopped.

"I just wanted to get rid of the pain I felt after he died. After they died." Sakura traced the one name with her index finger, while Kakashi turned around again and went a few steps in her direction but she didn't notice. "I never intended to forget all my emotions and memories or suppress them, but everything hurt so much and I was... I was so weak and scared. He was my life." Kakashi was able to see every emotion she felt right now rushing over her face. "There are some things nobody knows about, not even Tsunade. I forgot them or at least tried hard to do so. Because it was easier this way and my stupid inner self helped me to get rid of them. I thought I could get strong again when I didn't feel that pain that tore me apart inside." Tears were forming at the rims of her eyes, but she was able to hold them back. Kakashi walked slowly in her direction, but he decided that a little distance between them might be better for Sakura since she was obviously not finished.

"He asked me to marry him, you know?" She looked into Kakashi's direction for one second, but hurried to look away when she saw the rising sympathy in his dark eye. The memory of Kazuo and her rushed through her head and she closed her eyes so she wasn't able to see the shock and realization on his face.

Flashback:

Kazuo and Sakura were cuddled up together on one of the roofs in Konoha, watching the sundown like they often did and enjoyed. They had kissed the whole time, she snuggled against him and they had constantly told each other 'I love you' between taking in breaths before kissing again and at some point, Kazuo had brought out a black velvet box from his trousers. He opened it and Sakura was able to see the silver promise ring in it.

"Will you marry me?" He simply asked. And of course she said yes, hugging him tightly.

End Flashback

"He asked me two weeks before... before he died. I asked him not to tell anybody before I told a special person..." She made a short pause, but Kakashi knew the name of the person already. "... I wanted Naruto to be the first person to know about me and Kazuo so that I got the chance to tell him in person and explain everything to him. Guess that didn't work out well." She said bitterly to herself but sad nonetheless when she thought back to the events. She reached out to a necklace around her neck Kakashi had never seen before. The pendant was a silver ring.

Her promise ring.

She took in a deep breath, looking at the ring lying heavy in the palm of her right hand, before she continued with a grief-stricken and husky voice.

"There is more to it. I... I was... I was pregnant."