My eyelids fluttered open and regarded the man sitting solemnly by my bedside. At first glance, he seemed to be calmly staring into space with a pensive expression, sitting casually with his knee pulled up towards his chest, one arm draped over the knee, but his eyes gave him away, hiding his deeper turmoil within.
Hak? What's wrong?, I thought before I spoke up. "Hak, you're back?"
He glanced over at the sound of my voice. I gripped the covers from under me, pulling them higher around my chest as I realized that I was only half-dressed although someone had laid me lying face down to avoid my injured back. My upper body was wrapped around entirely by criss-crossing bandages.
"How're you feeling? Should I call Yoon over?"
"No, I'm fine. Where is everybody?"
"Yoon is tending to Tetora's wounds, Yona-hime and Lili are with them too and the others are tracking down the smuggler that escaped"
"I see. That's good then, everyone is alright"
"Yea, everyone except you"
"Hak…" I started, trying to get up, wincing slightly at the wave of pain across my back and piercing my side. Please don't make that face. Just tell me what's wrong.
"Don't move, if you need something let me…"
"I would like some water" I said. It was the only excuse I could think of at the moment to convince him to help me up. I was going to find out what was bothering him and I wanted to be looking at him levelly when I did - I wasn't going to let him get away without answering me.
Wrapping an arm around my shoulder for support, he leaned my body against his as he fed me some water. I gripped his wrist lightly to steady the cup to my lips and the feel of his warm skin beneath my fingers, his hard chest against my shoulder triggered butterflies in my stomach.
"What's with the face?" I finally dared to ask, almost afraid to hear his reply.
"What face?"
"That face you're making right now. What's wrong? Did something happen to Yona?"
"… No"
"Then why…?"
"Because you're an idiot with no regard for your personal safety and wellbeing whatsoever and its driving me insane"
"Hak…"
"I don't understand, what were you thinking!? You could've died! If Yoon and the others hadn't come by in time, who knows what might have happened! What would I ever do if you… never mind" he growled out, severing his own train of thought. He did not want to go there.
"But I didn't. I promised you and chichi-ue that I would always look out for Yona. I would protect her with my life, if that's what it takes. This life doesn't belong to me anymore, it belongs to the people I love"
"And that makes it alright to throw it away?"
I inhaled deeply, trying to preserve my diminishing serenity. "I'm not throwing it away. I admit the smuggler caught me off guard for a moment but I am not some reckless sword swinging idiot. Besides, Yona is safe, that's all that matters, isn't it?" I sigh.
"That's not the point! I will not trade your life for hers! You let your guard down even once and that could very well mean the end of you" he chastised.
That does it! If he thinks he can just sit there and lecture me about safety, he's got another thing coming! How many times had he risked his life and gotten injured for her sake? How many times have I spent worrying about him and his safety, feeling completely helpless to do anything but watch quietly?
"You would do the same if you were in my position! It's hypocritical! How many times have you gotten hurt trying to protect Yona? You fuss over me and yet refuse to let anyone else worry about you" I bit out, unable to keep out the traces of rage in my tone. I looked away angrily, but it wasn't very effective given that I was still cradled in his arms.
"You're a princess"
"And that makes my life more valuable than yours?" I snorted.
"Obviously" he replied, giving me a look that clearly said it was a stupid question.
"Then you're an even bigger moron than I thought"
Silence enveloped us as we were preoccupied with our own thoughts.
Why should one life be more valuable than another? The value of one's life isn't defined by social status or lofty titles. The true value of a person's life is defined in the eyes of the one who cherishes that person the most. Your life isn't as expendable as you think, Hak, you're too important to me.
He closed his eyes and sighed almost tiredly, breaking the stillness. "You need to rest", he said running his free hand through his dark hair subconsciously before lowering me back onto the futon. He moved to get up. "I'll be right outside if you need anything"
Even if I know you aren't mine to hold on to, even if I know your heart is far beyond my reach, just this once do you think I could be selfish for you? Even if it was just this one brief moment that I got to have you by my side like this - worrying over me and caring about me, even if it's just guilt that you feel… would you stay with me?
I reached out and grabbed his wrist. He blinked at me once but remained tight-lipped.
"Hak, none of this is your fault. Do you hear me? You shouldn't need to feel responsible for my injuries, they are mine to bear. I am sorry I was careless and burdened all of you to worry over me but I'm thankful it was me instead of Yona who's lying here in this state and I don't regret anything in the least. It was my choice and mine alone"
He didn't respond, but he didn't move out of my grasp either.
"Since when did you start building walls between us?" Please, don't shut me out, I secretly pleaded, wishing I could tell him more.
Time seemed to stretch for an eternity before he finally spoke. "I'm not the one who has been building walls". He was out the door before I could even fully process what he meant, my heart ached at the fact that he couldn't even bring himself to stay and talk to me about it.
I sighed heavily and rolled over, gritting my teeth at the ripple of pain as the skin around my wound grew taut at my movement. Deep down I knew I had been distant with him, always cautious and painfully aware of every interaction with each other, carefully keeping within the boundaries I had laid out for myself. It was unfair to him, it wasn't his fault, but it was the only solution I could think of. I honestly thought that he wouldn't have noticed the distance between us, he had Yona after all. That's why his words caught me by surprise.
I know, Hak. Believe me, I know. But what else can I do? What else can I say to you? That my heart aches to see you even closer to Yona than ever before? That I feel envious of my own sister and that I feel betrayed whenever you choose her? That I wish you would be by my side instead? That I am disgusted with myself for allowing such thoughts and emotions to exist? That my own feelings for you are the cause of all this and neither of you should worry about it? Yea, right.
I tightened my hold around Jae-Ha's neck as he leapt from one roof to another before finally settling near an abandoned building to get away from the rain.
Despite their protests, I had insisted on continuing our journey. I refused to admit to anyone that the weather and my recovering injuries left me feeling a little light-headed and feverish. I leaned against a pillar, suppressing a shiver as a gust of cold wind assaulted my body. I closed my eyes and concentrated, taking deep even breaths, attempting to will my impending fever away.
"So…" he said, breaking the silence. I reluctantly opened one eye and regarded him wearily.
"How're things between you and lover boy?" he asks.
"That would be a valid question if there was a lover boy to start with" I scoffed.
"Tsk tsk tsk. It seems like my little pep talk didn't get through that thick skull huh" he mused to himself.
I stiffened at his words. "Jae-Ha…" I growled out warningly. Although I didn't exactly confess anything to him, Jae-Ha was surprisingly perceptive in reading me and between the lines when it came to my interaction with Hak. "What did you say to him!?"
"Nothing…" he said, waving his hands dismissively. "… much" he finished, grinning at me.
"I swear if it wasn't because of these stupid injuries, I'd love to wring your…"
"Relax" he laughed. "I didn't mention anything on your part, merely pointed out what I observed from his behaviour. You've nothing to worry about. Besides, how could I rob you of the joy, the beautiful anxiousness of a love confession" he said dramatically.
I huffed at his antics and turned away, closing my eyes once again. Great, now I have a headache too.
"I'm just curious though, why haven't you told him?"
"It's not that simple"
"From what I can tell, seems pretty simple to me"
"You know he doesn't feel that way about me"
"Trust me, I'm pretty good at reading people. Maybe if you just gave it a try, the results might surprise even you. And if it doesn't work out, well, you'll always have my shoulder to cry on"
"I don't need your scaly dragon shoulder"
"You wound me, Sora. I was offering myself with full sincerity". I could picture the pout on his face without even looking at him.
"Right, like how you offer yourself sincerely to every brothel in town"
"Now that's just plain insulting. I've told you before, you're different"
I peeked at him through half-lidded eyes and nearly missed the slightly hurt look that lurked in his green eyes. I sighed inwardly to myself. Hak aside, Jae-Ha was my closest friend. Despite his overly flirtatious and suggestive demeanour, I knew it hid a darker, more serious side to him and I valued his company and insights. He had told me once, albeit a little drunk, that he knew I was different from the first time he saw me. Different from what Yona meant to him, and different from what any other woman had meant to him. He didn't need to elaborate further, I wasn't THAT daft.
On the rare occasions that he wasn't trying to be Prince Charming and was more himself around me, the thought would cross my mind that maybe, just maybe I could come to feel the same way and return his sincerity – he was fiercely loyal, kind and funny, not to mention a beautiful man, there was no doubt about it. But as much as I wanted to, he and I both knew who my heart had belonged to since I was 16.
A gentle touch to my forehead and I open my eyes to see his handsome face inches from mine, peering at me, his eyebrows pulled together in concern.
"You alright there? I'm no doctor but you're a little too warm and pale to be considered normal"
"I'm fine. Just a little cold, that's all" I whispered, a little taken aback by his intense gaze. It was moments like this that sometimes made me wish I had fallen for him instead. Things would be a lot simpler.
"Well, why didn't you just say so" he replied with a smirk. And just like that, the moment is gone, I thought, rolling my eyes as he gripped the collar of his shirt, pulling it opened slightly to reveal a sliver of his muscular chest. "I would've willingly offered. How could I possibly say no to a damsel in distress in need of warmth, the feel of skin against skin, the sharing of body heat with…"
Before he could even finish his sentence, he was sent flying. I looked up to see Hak dusting off his hands, a dark scowl on his face with Yona and the rest of them in tow.
I watched out of the corner of my eye as she rushed over to Jae-Ha who was picking himself from the rubble, rubbing the back of his head ruefully.
"You alright there?" she laughed, helping him up.
"Never better, sweetheart. Your concern warms my heart but I don't think I can take another hit like that from the Thunder Beast without retaliating" he chuckled, staring pointedly at me as I gritted my teeth in annoyance.
