----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Eight

Avidity

I was shocked for a moment and tripped backward slightly, and that was only because Sirius' eyes were so vibrant that they seemed to project out in front of him. The Hospital Wing really had done him in; his cheeks were sallow and his skin tone was pallid. For some reason his hair looked a shade lighter and was not as shiny and black as it had been before, but ashen. The rings under his eyes were light purple and dark, and he looked much thinner than he had been. Overall, he didn't look like my handsome brother, but some odd reclusive person I had never met nor associated with before. Whatever he had gotten from that muggle had done this to him, that was evident, but what had made him want to take them was beyond me.

For a moment Sirius and I just stood there, staring at one another's appearance. I guess I had changed during the month I hadn't seen him. His eyes grew even larger when he saw me, and I'm sure that my eyes were just as large.

"Regulus, what- you look... what happened?" Sirius leaned against the wall and ran his fingers through his dry hair- a characteristic of his former self that made him somewhat more recognisable.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not expecting this from him and not knowing whether or not to take offence.

"I mean," he said, "You look like an adult. You look like father!" He said, seeming disgusted in a subtle sort of way.

"Is that good or b-?" I begin to ask, but then stopped. It's was horrible how I was still seeking his approval on everything, even after the positions we were both in. Sirius was just recovering from something really stupid that he did which deteriorated his entire appearance, and I, as Sirius put it, looked like our father, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I suppose that wasa good thing, considering I had looked like my mother up until a month or so ago.

Sirius let out a heavy sigh and stared at me, "I suppose it's a good thing," he said, turning his gaze to the floor, "Father's good-looking enough." I didn't say anything to that- this was one of the most awkward moments I had ever experienced with Sirius. I was still taking in what he looked like, and couldn't really think as to what to say about the incident. I would have to find some way to talk to him about it, but I had no idea how. There was a tingle of feeling creeping up my spine, and it was spreading across my torso and up my chest. My eyes were welling up, but I wouldn't let them overflow like last time. No, I would never again let that happen. That was weak of me, and...

"HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!" My voice echoed out through the hallway"HOW COULD YOU TAKE SOMETHING WHICH YOU HAD NO IDEA OF WHAT IT WAS OR WHAT IT COULD DO?!" My voice echoed out through the courtyard, "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF?!" My voice echoed through Sirius' head, "How could you do that... to me?!"

My voice then reached my own ears and I stopped.

Sirius looked at me as if he had been expecting that, and that just made me even angrier, but I couldn't scream anymore. I covered my eyes with one hand, feeling the tears sting my eyes. I slumped against the wall and breathed in, feeling disappointed in myself as I had let my emotions get ahold of me again, but the fact that Sirius was still staring at me was even more disheartening. Why did he have to stare at me like that? He thought that he was always being judged, but the fact was that nobody cared about what he did anymore. Mother had given up on him, and so had father. The only reason they got after him for thinking that he was going with Remus was because it would put a bad stain on the family name. Nobody in my family (except myself and Andromeda) worried for him or what he did to himself anymore. He was no longer judged, I was the one that was judged, and my behaviour was unacceptable for a Black... or a Death Eater.

"Why do you have to do this?" I brought my head away from the wall and stared at him in an attempt to copy his scathing gaze, "Every time something happens that you don't like, you go and do something stupid! This is the worst yet!" I had begun to shout again, and Sirius stood there silently as I did so, "I don't know what happened, Sirius, but it could never justify what you did to yourself! Whatever it was, you didn't have to go out and buy whatever you got from that idiot muggle!" I could see his eyes widen and his face slack a bit; I wasn't supposed to know that.

It didn't matter though, I wasn't finished and I leaned against the wall, "You think that you're the one that everyone is always punishing and persecuting, and you're WRONG!" I covered my face with both hands, "I'm the one that's punished, I'm the one that's been pushed into the lifestyle of a dark wizard! Do you have any idea what I'm going to have to..."

I stopped as I felt warmth all around me and the back of my head was cradled by a hand and pushed into a thin neck. I looked through my fingers, knowing who was holding me but somehow having to see it to confirm it. Sirius was trembling slightly, and so was I. Ever since the last time we did this, the sight and contact of each other had been awkward, but this wasn't. I was not over Sirius, I knew that now. No matter how much my confidence had boosted over the past few months, I was still afraid of him, of rejection form my own brother. Actually, I wasn't sure what I was afraid of. Maybe I was afraid of how incredibly wrong this was. Or maybe it was the fact that I would have to tell Sirius what I was going to have to do, and that he would never speak to me again... My heart did a leap just thinking about that, but I barely noticed since my heart was beating so quickly already.

When he held me he said nothing, neither of us did for a long time. He was breathing, but I couldn't hear it, I could just feel it. As for myself, I wasn't breathing- I couldn't. I just sucked air in through my nose, taking in Sirius' scent. It sounds creepy, I know, but it's what I found myself doing. Like myself, he didn't smell like anything. It wasn't like either of us to wear cologne, or our father, or his. I suppose it just wasn't a Black thing to do. No matter how long we were away from our house, we both smelled like it. The beating in his chest gently pushed against hands, and I removed them from their place, then grasping tightly onto his shirt. He held me tighter at this, but before he did so I positioned my head so that my right ear (instead of my left) was against his heartbeat. I may have gotten taller, but so did he, and I was once again against his collarbone when I stood near him. I breathed out an swallowed, hoping he would not say a word, because I was certainly not going to. I had no words. For once in my life, I couldn't speak.

Then Sirius spoke.

But I couldn't hear him.

He spoke in a series of soft murmurs, fast-paced and low. I could feel his breath against the back of my head, and his breathing became harder. I tried to break away to get a better understanding of what he was saying, but he held me fast. I finally pushed away, and I saw that tears were rolling down his hollow cheeks from shining cobalt eyes.

I was dumbfounded. I had never in my life seen Sirius cry, and I wondered whether or not I was imagining it. Why was it this year that we both had to start crying with the stupid raging teenage hormones? I must have looked like some maniac with the look I was intentionally giving him, because I was now really confused.

"Why are you...?"

"This is all happening much too quickly! Peter told me what that twat Riddle said you have to do over the summer, and I won't let you, Regulus! I won't!" He no longer had a simpering face, but an angry and fierce one, to which I was somewhat relieved. Weakness didn't suit him, especially with the way his face was then.

"I knew it right from that first meeting. What you're doing is dangerous, Regulus! You could die! I'm not going to let you get killed because you're following some mental case's orders, and I'm not going to let you kill anybody! Wizards, muggles, no one!"

"Sirius, how could you say that?" During Sirius' entire speech, I had lowered my head to let my hair fall in front of my face in a very Tom-like manner, and then spoke again, "After what the muggles did to you, you're still not angry with them? You still don't find them unclean or unworthy?!"

"LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!!" Sirius bellowed, "HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY SOMETHING LIKE-"

"THEY DESERVE TO DIE, SIRIUS! EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM. And you had better watch out too, because we're coming after mudbloods and all those who sympathise with them next!"

There was a sharp blow across my face and I realised that Sirius had punched me. I staggered back, but stood my ground. I was so used to this thanks to Lucius that taking one in the face barely hurt, but I wasn't about to hit him back.

Oh, no; This was getting serious.

"CRUCIO!"

The blast knocked Sirius off his feet, and he began to write on the floor in pain, screaming so loudly that it bounced off of the walls and hurt my ears. I couldn't bear to watch this for more than twenty seconds (I wasn't close to evil just yet), and I lifted the curse off of Sirius to leave him to lie on the floor, gasping in relief.

"You... you think you're a right little hero, don't you, Reggy?" He used the stupid name people would use to taunt me in my first year, "Relieving the Wizarding race and all that cal? Right... only the best for a spoiled little prat like you."

I knelt down close to him, knowing my eyes were maniacal and gleaming. I could feel my pulse quicken as I knelt down to his ear and whispered menacingly, "If you had ANY idea at all what it is like to be like me- ANY FUCKING IDEA, SIRIUS- You would be just as fucked up as I am right now. You have no goddamn clue, Sirius, about the pain I've felt through the years. You have been my only friend EVER. Do you know how it feels to be cast out by everyone, Sirius? Of course you don't, of course you don't..."

I moved to his lips and planted a kiss on them, a hungry, ravenous kiss which was, surprisingly, returned.

To be entirely honest, I have no idea why in the hell I did that... I was about to kill him, and I ended up kissing him. This is how weird my life was.

I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pulled him up, our lips never leaving the others'. As surreal and odd as this sounds, this is what actually happened. For some strange reason, we were kissing each other more passionately than we had ever before. And that means more roughly as well. All I can remember are brief flashes of that steamy and slightly violent moment in the hall. I was slammed up against the stone wall and kissed so hard I thought that my mouth was going to get split open, which it partially did since I had cracks on the edges of my lips and they were now bleeding. I let Sirius do his fair amount of groping until I realised that we were in broad daylight and anybody that was here was liable to walk by at any moment. Sirius was pulling up my tucked shirt from inside my pants and I then expressed my concerns to him through hot gasps and moans, and somehow he understood.

"Come on," he said gruffly, and he led me up to the Gryffindor Common Room by the front of my shirt. The Fat Lady in the portrait in front of the entrance was no longer inhabiting the painting, but Sirius was let in when the password was spoken, nonetheless. The Common Room was dark, much to my astonishment, as it had been light the day I went in to find Sirius half-dead. The fire blazed in its place, and I knew that meant trouble. Sirius was always irresistible against the light of a fire, even when he looked the way he did now. I stood there for a moment looking around and was then attacked by Sirius who slammed me down on the leather couch and proceeded to shove his tongue into my mouth, which was quite accepted. He pulled the rest of my shirt out from my trousers and delved one hand up my shirt while the other hand held my the back of my waist and pulled me closer very quickly. His weight on top of me just deepened the kiss, and his tongue felt as if it was going down my throat, and I was reminded of Lucius. That was alright, though. This wasn't Lucius, it was Sirius, whom I would trust to the ends of the earth.

After he was done feeling my chest, Sirius swiftly slid his hand down my trousers and boxers, and began to... well, you get the idea. This was too much- my nails were digging into his back and also into the leather on the back of the couch. I was throbbing with desire and some pain, but it didn't feel like pain. Lucius was pain, Tom was pain... this wasn't pain, but the epitome of incest at its finest. It sounds horrible now, but then it was the most pleasurable thing in the world. Sirius and I, who had been confined and bound our entire lives were now breaking every rule set down by every sibling ever on earth, and it felt magnificent.

The both of us weren't even unclothed and we were still experiencing the most ecstatic moment of our lives. After Sirius took his hand out, I had a sudden burst of energy and flipped over so that I was on top of Sirius. I don't know whether or not we were on the floor or still on the couch, but it didn't matter. I was on top for once, and I was taking full advantage of it. I shoved my mouth on to Sirius' and he loosened his own tie as I did so, ignoring the metallic taste of blood that was now flicking out of both of our bruised lips. I then moved to his ear and bit on it hard, which made him yell and flip over so I was again on the bottom. I was sitting up against something, and Sirius' legs were spread on either side of me. We were both burning with avidity, our hearts beating so hard we could hear them in the others' ears as our lips refused to part. The way this was going, sex wouldn't have been necessary. I didn't think I could get anymore excited, but when we started to disrobe I began to sweat and scream, as did Sirius. When my shirt was completely off, Sirius' eyes lingered for a moment on the mark on my forearm, but then brought it up and bit it right on the snake, which was suggestive in its own way.

Our positions were ever-changing, and I felt as if I was going to implode with painful pleasure. There was blood on our faces, under our nails and on our clothes from when we bit at and scratched the other. This was like a cross between a fight and a two-sided rape... it was fantastic- one of the most unconventional and taboo things ever performed by mankind.

It went on for hours, literally hours of non-stop biting and screaming and sweating. I could not explain the feeling I had after that. It was dark outside, but still light enough to see that it was snowing. Now, you're probably expecting that Sirius and i curled up together in all sentimentality near the fire and fell asleep in the other's arms watching the snow fall.

Wrong.

We rested for five minutes, caught the other's glance, and went at it again, this time more violent than before (I swear I still have bruises after so many years). We scratched backs and almost broke skin with teeth, our bruised lips becoming more and more bruised with every kiss and orgasm... Good God, I hate the word orgasm. My knuckles cracked as Sirius shoved me against the wall and bit at the skin of my neck, and I returned the favour by somehow breaking from his grip and pulling at his hair when he returned to my mouth. We got pretty close to the fire at one point, and I think Sirius might have actually gotten burned, which I laughed at even if he didn't. At this, he slammed me against the floor and bit at my chest, making it bleed, and I then flipped him over and scratched his sides with my fingernails.

The after affect was astonishing- both of us were shaking so hard we had no idea what to do. We looked like we had just pulverised each other (which was partially true), and had scratches, bruises and bite marks everywhere. I was breathing so hard that it hurt terribly and I collapsed against Sirius who half-shouted something about broken ribs and pushed me off. We were on the carpet now, and knowing this I slumped down and passed out from exhaustion.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------