Heya !
New chapter, longer than usual. It was supposed to be two chapters but I chose not to split it. You'll understand why soon enough.
Sorry for the possible mistakes and typos, I have to read every chapter in both versions, french and english, and I can't feel my eyes. Anyway, hope you like it !
See you next week with a normal chapter.
Lexa
I lay Clarke on a chair. She doesn't seem to be able to wake up. My arms and core hurt from having carried her. It reminds me of practice, I miss it. I look around to find someone to talk to. Gladly, someone stops in front of Clarke, and I don't have to run around looking for some secretary to guide me inside this hospital.
"You know her ?" I ask the woman who sat beside Clarke to check her vitals.
She is asian, long black hair tied up, dark red lipstick. She looks up at me with a frown. She is as confused as I am.
"I'm Dr. Cartwig," she tells me without letting go of Clarke. "What happened to Clarke ?"
I don't ask for more informations yet. Clarke is more important, so I explain what happened to Clarke while she was doing my job. I try to remain calm though I hate seeing Clarke hurt because of me. The doctor page some colleague and tells me to follow her upstairs where she let me wait on another cold chair.
I'm thirsty and tired after the long drive but I don't want to miss a chance to have informations about Clarke. I know the only reason she let me drive her to the hospital is that she thinks she can help me find my daughter, but I'm not sure she can, and I don't want to hope for nothing.
I think about it for what feels like hours before a woman appears in front of me.
"Hello, you're the one who brought Clarke here, isn't ?" she asks me, and I nod.
I stand up to shake her hand and I think she feels my worry from my trembling hand.
"Lexa," I tell her, "Lexa Woods."
"I'm Dr. Abigail Griffin," she replies, and I swallow hard at the acknowledgement that I'm meeting Clarke's mother.
So she really works here... as a doctor...
"How is she ?" I ask, losing my patience.
"She's been taken care of, nothing serious. Would you mind following me to my office ? I would like to talk to you more privately."
I nod and follow her. I don't really have a choice, her daughter is at the hospital because of me. We come into a room darkened by the closed store. She turns on the desk lamp and sit. I sit in the comfortable chair in front of her desk. When I look up, I realize she's been staring at me all along with a confused frown between her eyebrows.
"I'm sorry about Clarke," I say, breaking the awkward silence settled between us since we got into the office, "she hurt herself doing something I was supposed to do, she was trying to help my co-"
"Who are you, Lexa ?"
I'm dumbfounded. I just told her who I was. Unless she means to ask who am I for Clarke ?
"I met Clarke on campus. She's not very fond of me, she only let me take her here because she thinks you might be able to help me with something."
"Something ?"
She seems interested. Actually, the way she looks at me is more than disturbing. I feel like we've met before, but I've never been here in the past.
"Clarke thinks you might..." I don't know how to formulate this. Can I say the word ? It's not like I could say it any other way... "She thinks you might help me find my daughter."
The doctor's eyes grow wide and it's enough to convince me that she knows something.
"Why do you think I could help you ?" she says, guarded. She wants to be sure just like I do.
"My daughter was taken from me by my ex after birth. But... I think she might be sick. My grandmother, and mother, and then me - we all had kid-"
"Polycystic kidney disease," she states and I'm dumbfounded once again. "How are you kidneys today ?"
I don't think any more. She's gonna tell me what the hell is going on after I answer her questions.
"My mother made me start exams very early. I was treated before my kidney could fail, so I forgot about it. I... I didn't tell the doctors when I was pregnant so..."
"It's ok, Lexa," she reassures me. "Look," she joins her hands to maintain a very serious body position. My blood is pulsing against my temples. I need to know what she knows. "I created the pediatric hospital, the western buidling of this hospital. Every month, a few children from all over the country are brought here to get treated."
She knows. I can tell she knows. But she's too slow.
"Your face reminds me of one of our patients, but it wasn't enough to tell you are related. The thing is - a girl was brought to us three weeks ago after having been treated at TonDC Hospital for three months. Her kidneys are failing, and her parents have been gone for two weeks. The police have been investigating while we're waiting for a donor. She-"
"IS IT HER OR NOT ?!" I yell, overwhelmed. I'm terrified. What if it's not her ? What if she's dead already ?
"That is what I need to ask you," she answers too calmly for my nerves to stop pinching my muscles, "would you have a DNA test ? We can make it happen fast and in one hour we'll know."
"She's four, right ? Four years and five months old." I always thought I didn't remember her exact age. But june 7 is a date I could never forget.
The doctor doesn't answer, but I think I saw a slight nod. I stand up and follow her, doing my best to stand on my nervous legs. I can't believe a genetic disease might have helped me to find my daughter.
I wait. I'm once again on a cold chair waiting for those DNA test results. I'm tired but I still cannot bring myself to close my eyes. Whether or not my daughter is here in this hospital, it would still be a huge mockery laid on me by fate.
I've learnt that this hospital is one of the best of the country for children, and I need confirmation of it, so I walk around, read about it on my phone. Clarke believed her mother could help me find my child, and she was so sure of herself, so determined to help me find her that I think she never believed what I said that night, when we walking in the streets after I told her my story at the bar. She never believed that I didn't love my baby. And if I learn that my kid is somewhere here or in another hospital, I'm gonna have to admit the truth. I dreamt of raising my child with a woman I love, but the moment the baby was laid in my arms seconds after the birth, there were just her and me. The baby and me. I wanted her life to be perfect, because I felt her grow inside me for months. And no matter who would have helped me raise her, I would've still loved her.
"Lexa, please follow me," Dr. Griffin says.
I blink several times. Am I dreaming ?
We're back into her office. She lays the papers she was holding on her desk. She looks at me with the same look she had when she first saw me - like she knows me. She waits, thinks, and if she doesn't speak fast I'm gonna faint. It's not this Griffin I'd like to faint in front of.
She sighs and relieves me with words.
"Look, I'm not going to lie to you, it seems very suspicious. The girl was supposed to be sent to Polis Hospital, which is -"
"Close to campus," I whisper, and understand what the doctor means. I look down. It's all clear now. "The girl really is my daughter and I was supposed to find her..."
"Well, to tell you the truth, Lexa, the child's state is critical and there was going to be researches near campuses. If she doesn't get a transplant fast she's going to-"
"I'm here now," I say, panicked, "I'm viable, take a piece of kidney or something, but save her !"
Dr. Griffin leans on her deck, joining both of her hands together. "We need to do some tests first to make sure you can do it. But first, you need to know that the police is investigating. We have no sign of the parents since the girl was brought here, and now we know they aren't her biological parents, the police will need your story."
I was going to find her anyway. I was going to find my child. They want me to save her. Whether I gave her a piece of me and she lives, or she dies and then they won't have to bother with her. They. I'm not sure of who they are, but I think they're them. Her and the biological father. Who else ? They ran away with my baby, I know that, and I'm sure they were very disappointed when they found out the kid was sick.
"I'll help. I'll do whatever it takes. But we have to save her first..." I haven't seen her yet but I know it's the right thing to do. I might have another chance with her, a chance of having her back in my life, and I'm going to fight this time, I'm not letting them take her away from me again. "Can I see her ?" I'm terrified, but I don't see any other way.
The doctor nods and we leave the office, and walk, and walk, everlastingly. Until we get to a room. The doctor makes me stop, looks at me and knows she's gonna have to stay close to me because we both know I'm gonna break. My whole body is shaking. I step into the room.
A slight sunray is coming through the curtains. There's a small figure on the bed, escaping from the huge blanket. The first thing I notice is the strand of hair enlightened by the sunray. Blonde hair. Curled like mine was when I was a kid. My heart skips a first beat. I walk closer to the bed and I bite my lip at seeing the tubes in her nose. Her small nose. Her little plump lips underneath. Purple. She's pale. And only now I let myself look at her entire face. I gasp and lean against the cupboard beside the bed.
She looks exactly like me when I was a kid, and I understand why Clarke's mother has looked at me with so much confusion when she first saw me. This little girl is a younger me. Same as I'm a younger version of my mother. I always thought it was a fantasy that would never happen to me - having a child looking exactly like you, but here she is. Four years old. She's gorgeous, though she's sick, and I want to lay my hand on hers, to kiss her forehead, to never leave her side, but I'm still leaning against the cupboard, tears stinging my eyes, and I let them fall, same as I let my trembling legs bend.
I'm down on the ground. I can't stop the pain from making me cry and shake, and I'm ashamed, because I should be the brave one here. I should get up and meet my daughter, but she's asleep, close to death, because I didn't try to find her sooner.
Some grey blanket surrounds me and I'm pulled until I'm laying on a bed. I found her. I found my daughter. Maybe I was supposed to find her. Maybe it's all a trick. But it's still a chance. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it, I'm gonna do it, save her.
Clarke
I left my room though the nurse told me to stay in bed. I walked on one foot - if we can call this walk - and in the corridor I asked a random nurse if I could have crutches because mine were stolen. Yes, I lied, but I can't stay in bed forever. I don't know how long I've slept, but I have a feeling my mother kept me in sleep for a little while.
I limp around until I get to the secretary. I ask her if Lexa is here, she brought me here and she disappeared. I remember my mom's words before I fell back into sleep, and I'm worried. Worried about Lexa. I saw the pain in her eyes when I mentioned her daughter, back at the tavern. She must have admitted to herself that she cares about her lost child and I'm worried she made a mistake trying to find her.
"Clarke," my mother's voice echoes and Dr. Griffin approaches fast. I stop her before she grabs me and throw a death glare at the secretary.
There's no doubt my mother asked her to page her if I came asking for Lexa. It proves there is, indeed, something going on with Lexa.
"Where is she ?" I ask my mother.
A nurse brings a wheelchair and I roll my eyes.
"I'll bring you to her room only if you sit in that chair, you are not supposed to be standing."
I roll my eyes and sit in the damn chair. My mother starts pushing it as if I couldn't roll it myself. I really hope she's bringing me to Lexa and not back to my room. We haven't talked yet about what happened last time we've seen each other, but I don't want to now, I want to see Lexa first, make sure she's fine, though I hate the bitch she can be, she's not that bad of a person. She deserves to know about her child.
We pass through corridors that aren't on the way of my room. I know my mother isn't taking me back there, and my heart starts beating fast, faster and faster, until we stop in front of a closed door.
My mother walk around the chair to face me.
"You told Lexa you thought I could help her find her daughter."
She met Lexa. Otherwise she wouldn't talk about her this way.
"Could you help her ?" I ask, impatient.
My mother throws a look at the door and I know the answer is in there. Lexa is in here. Maybe not just Lexa. It can't be...
"Her daughter was here all this time ?!" I whisper loudly as if it was a secret.
She throws me a glare meaning 'keep it down' and answers. "This is what I'm worried about. This girl was brought here three weeks ago but it's not the hospital that was asked for. The couple who brought her here wanted her at Polis Hospital."
Polis Hospital. The closest hospital to campus. Closest hospital to Lexa.
"What's up with the child ?" I ask. Lexa feared a sickness that her daughter might have.
"Polycystic kidney disease," the doctor in my mother explains very seriously. "We removed the cysts but it doesn't keep her kidney from failing. She needs a transplant."
A transplant. That's what Lexa is going to do ? A kidney transplant ? Half a kidney ? A piece of- shit ! That's insane !
I ignore my mother, stand up fast and push the door open. I struggle with my injured ankle, but I want to see her, Lexa. I hear my mother asking me to stop but I go deep into the room and find two beds. One with Lexa, sleeping. One with a child. I look at the latter, confused for a moment before the idea becomes obvious. A very pale little girl sleeping in this big bed is enough of a proof. Lexa does have a daughter. A beautiful little girl. Looking just like her mother.
"Clarke..."
I think a voice called me but it was barely a whisper under the noise of the machines. I turn my head to look at Lexa, just in case it was her who called, and see her eyes open staring at me. I go sit on her bed, relieving my legs from pressure.
"You found her," I tell her, glad she did, but awfully worried. She found her too easily. She was supposed to find her. If she didn't have to take me to the hospital, then she would've heard of a poor little girl at Alpha Hospital waiting desperately for a kidney transplant and it would've been enough for her curiosity to be out there looking.
"She's beautiful," Lexa says, her voice shaking, and I see her eyes full of tears. She's exhausted and I wish I could take her out of here, but I know Lexa already made her choice.
"She looks just like you," I try to smile, but it's hard because I can't hate the woman beside me right now. She looks more vulnerable than ever and I'm afraid she's getting tricked again. "Lexa -"
"I know," she cuts me off right away, not willing to hear my speech. "I have to save her. I just found her. I can't let her die. Her blood type is rare, they couldn't find a donor."
She will do this no matter what I say and I can't do anything against it because I can't let a little girl die. Lexa's daughter. Lexa's beautiful daughter.
I look down, ashamed of the very short and selfish thought of me taking Lexa away from here. I don't want to see Lexa hurt again, but she will be anyway, because her daughter is here, sick. And I want to make sure Lexa is in good health, so I take the file at the edge of her bed and read it.
They've done all the exams they needed to do while I was asleep. I still don't know how long I've slept, but I guess it's at least thirty hours. I put the file back where I took it.
"Tomorrow morning," I say, feeling like time goes too fast.
"It's gonna be okay, with a piece of kidney from me she'll heal. I'm her mother after all, the best medicine she could get..." she says those words with a sorrowed hope.
She regrets not having been there for her daughter before, but it's not her fault. Now she's here. She's doing the good thing. Though I want to scream and yell at everyone in here because I fear Lexa won't make it out of surgery.
She will. My mother is a great surgeon. She will be fine. I'm still scared. I hated Lexa for being near me all this time but I wanted her near. I needed someone like her. I wish she wanted me to stay, but since we shared our stories she is somehow distant. She fears me, or the truth, or both, I'm not sure.
"We'll talk, when you're through this, right ?" I ask.
I need her to tell me we'll talk again, spend some time as us, the real us, not the fake bitches we've been. I don't want to yell at her anymore. I want to talk. Understand who she is. Why I need her so much yet am so angry at her.
"We will," she says, and closes her eyes.
She needs some sleep. I watch her until her breathing slows down and she's back into deep sleep. I look on her and her daughter for a while until my mother orders nurses to bring me back to my room.
I wouldn't have slept without the meds. I don't feel my foot much. There was a small infected wound that deepened when I twisted my ankle and they pumped the pus out of the wound. Like we do for cysts. Cysts that Lexa's daughter had not long ago. Lexa's daughter whom might die tomorrow if the transplant doesn't work.
And it will hurt Lexa even more to know that she arrived too late.
No.
This can't happen.
It has to work, because I wouldn't know how to help Lexa if her daughter died. For now, all I can do is tell her she's gonna be okay and watch her back. I don't know if I'm really able to keep her safe. The people who hurt her by taking her daughter away seem heartless. Exactly like the person who put me down in the past.
I need to sleep a few hours before dawn. I have to see Lexa before she and her daughter go into surgery.
I try to be discrete walking with crutches. It's not as easy as I thought it would be, but I manage to get to Lexa's room before any nurse pay attention to me and page my mother. I still haven't talked with her yet about our issues but I intend to do it once I get Lexa out of here safe and healthy.
Lexa is my sole priority for now. I hardly believe it myself.
I find Lexa sitting on her daughter's bed. The little girl is still sleeping. Lexa looks tired and worried, like yesterday, but with the anxiety of surgery day crushing her. I sit in front of her. Normally I would ask if I can sit but anyone with sight can see how difficult it is for me to stand for long on my crutches. The painkillers effects are still making me stumble. I have to be careful if I want to keep wandering around.
Lexa, who was watching her daughter, looks up at me and her lips lift up in a little smile. She tries to stay positive. She might not get her daughter back once out of the hospital, yet she's willing to risk her life for the child.
"Lexa... have you told your story to the police ?"
The question occurs and I hope it won't hurt Lexa more than the whole situation already does.
She looks away, and I see a hint of shame in her eyes. She swallows hard and admits. "I tried." I understand it was too hard for her, which seems normal seeing she just found her daughter four years after the birth and disappearance. "Clarke..." she looks at me with wide hopeful eyes, and my heart beats hard at the intensity of her stare. "I need you to tell them. You're the only one who knows everything..."
Everything she knows. But not everything. She doesn't know everything herself. That's why the situation is messed up.
"I'm not sure they'd believe me..." I tell her.
"You're the only one who knows everything..."
I can't refuse. She's begging me and I feel the urge to pull her in my arms, but I don't, because I notice her right hand on the bed, near the kid's hand, but not touching it, and I wonder why Lexa has been spending all this time beside her child without do so much as holding her hand.
I grab Lexa's hand and she slightly jumps in surprise. I gently pull her hand up to her daughter's sleepy head and cautiously lay her hand on the blonde curls. Lexa throws an anxious stare at me. She understands what I'm trying to do but she's scared. I lay my hand on Lexa's free hand to reassure her. Lexa may be strong, but when it comes to her kid, she's afraid of doing the wrong thing.
Her hand's warmth must have been felt by the girl because she opens her small eyes and I feel Lexa trying to pull away, so I tighten my grip on her hand for her to stay here and meet her daughter for real.
I lose myself in the kid's eyes as I find a similar shade of green, veiled with grey. She really has her eyes... Lexa's mesmerizing eyes... the child's eyes meet the mothers and I'm almost ashamed of being here, with them, in such a private moment. But soon enough the girl closes back her eyes, and I'm not sure of what happened. There was something in the girl's stare, when she was looking at Lexa. Like she knew, without knowing. Like she felt it.
Lexa's body is tensed and looking at her face I see a single tear rolling down her cheek. Her hand doesn't leave her daughter's head. I should leave with her child. I stand up, unsure of what I saw. The little girl opened her eyes for a brief moment and I want to believe what I saw is real. That the girl feels a connection to Lexa. That she recognizes her somehow. She grew inside Lexa... could she feel familiar to her mother ?
I grab one crutch and go for the other, but a hand closes on my wrist, and lifting my glance up I fall into Lexa's begging eyes. She wants me to stay with her. And I do until it's time to get ready for surgery, because Lexa and I have been in it together for a while now.
I don't know what it is yet, but we were proved before that we can't escape from what's happening.
I've been waiting all day in my room for the surgery to be done. The police came to interrogate Lexa again but she was getting ready for surgery. I wanted to talk to them, as Lexa asked me, but my mother came in and sent me back to my room. She said she'd come to see me later in the day.
It's already late in the afternoon. I can't fall asleep, I can't empty my mind, so I wait for my mother to come, green shaded with grey spilling all over the walls while I try to figure how it all happened. So fast. I fear Lexa is getting tricked again, and I won't let that happen. Neither of us can run away anymore.
"Clarke," my mother calls, finally visiting me.
She checks my foot and sits on the bed beside me. She lays her hand on mine and I'm scared of what's going to happen. Is she going to forgive me or tell me new cutting words ?
"You should be able to see Lexa in an hour," she says, and I exhale, relieved. But there's a few seconds of silence which tells me my mother has other concerns. "You seem very close to Lexa."
There it is. She wants to know if I love her, I should've seen coming, she hinted it before. I want to say no straight away, but no word comes out when I open my mouth, because I don't know what my feelings for Lexa are. I do feel something for her, but I'm not sure yet. We need to talk. To clear things up. And maybe then I'll be able to tell if I want to be with her. For now, I just want to see her and make sure she's okay.
"Lexa is special," I tell my mother, "she helped me, somehow, but it's complicated. The situation with her daughter -"
"-is odd," she finishes. "Lexa coming in at the right time to save her daughter can't be considered as random, or lucky. We need to find out quickly what's going on around that kid."
I nod, slowly, having been asking myself the same questions for the past hours.
She stands up, but I stop her. I need to know before she goes again.
"Mom ! Do you... do you forgive me ?"
Her wide eyes soften, filling with sadness, and she comes close, laying a kiss on my forehead that soothes the pain in my heart.
"I've never hated you, Clarke. We'll talk about this when both you and Lexa are out of here, alright ? Now is not the time."
I nod, left again without words, and she leaves the room. I have more hope now. Hope for my mother to forgive me. Hope for Lexa to let me in.
Lexa
I was brought to my room two hours ago, after a long time in recovery room. I'm starting to see things around me more clearly. I feel the amount of painkillers flooding through my veins. I must have a pretty scar on my side, but I don't have the strength to move and look.
My daughter is still in recovery room, they want to watch her for a longer while. I hope it worked. I hope she's going to be okay. What hurts me is that I can only wait for her to return to our room.
The door opens harshly and someone storms into the room.
"Here you are, playing victim at the hospital."
"Anya ?" I call, unsure, but the well-shaped silhouette and the mockery is hers only.
"Yeah, it's me. Indra told me you took some girl at the hospital and didn't return since then. I didn't find you at Polis Hospital, Indra wasn't sure where you've been, but that other waitress knew."
"The other waitress ?"
"Yeah, she looked suspicious, she was hiding something. I got the information out of her."
Anna ? Did Anya beat Anna to get my location ? How would Anna know ? She may have heard us... but she wasn't with Clarke and I when Clarke asked me to take her here.
"Don't think too much, you're gonna hurt yourself," Anya says.
She's always been cynical, but she's the best coach I could've had. Our kick boxing team went far thanks to her. When I got into the team I was this angry girl, a dangerous fighter for others, and Anya taught me how to control this. But lately, I let anger and fear take control, and Matt suffered from it.
"You said Anna told you I was here but... how did she know ?" I ask. This situation is too odd for me to leave any clue aside. I may be confused because of the painkillers but I can still think.
"You know it yourself, I know when someone is hiding something. That waitress knew you, that's why she was working at the tavern. She said you were needed here, so she had to make you go."
Anya is standing still, as always, her chin slightly up, her long light hair falling in her back. It's not braided, I guess she came here as fast as possible, without considering her looks. She is also wearing simple grey pants and a white tank shirt. Deep down, she worries about me. I always knew she cared. She shows it with her fists, but this tough love helped me get back on my feet to work hard at university. Being a good student... instead of being a good person.
"I never told you what happened..." I whisper, thinking of all the secrets I've hidden from Anya, Indra, Gustus, Matt... all these people who helped me.
"You'll do it later. How about you tell me why you're in a hospital bed instead ?"
That's the whole point. I'm here because of my secrets.
"Well..." I try to find the right words to explain, but the room's door bursts open and two nurses drive a bed in.
My breath is cut off by the picture of the little girl awake in the bed. She looks like she could use another nap, but maybe I could meet her before she falls asleep. Once the bed is set at its usual spot, I try to get off of my own, but one of the nurse yells at me straight away. I see my daughter's eyes widen in fear.
"Stop yelling !" I whisper harshly, "you're scaring her !"
"You cannot stand up now, it's too soon," she tells me.
Anya intervenes. "I'll hold her up." She grabs me and helps me up, throwing me an interrogating glare. I think she uses me as an excuse to approach the girl. She isn't dreaming. That girl really looks like me.
The nurses leave and Anya helps me sit on my daughter's bed. I want to make sure she isn't scared before I tell Anya who she is to me.
"Hey," I say gently, taking her small hand in mine, caressing its back with my thumb.
She looks at me with confusion. She may think she's dreaming, seeing an adult feeling very similar to her.
"Hi," her low high pitched voice answers, and my heart warms up abruptly, my eyes sting. "Who are you ?" she asked me.
I want to tell her the truth, but would it be right ? I don't know if she names someone else Mom, I have no idea of her past.
"I'm someone who cares about you," I tell her, unable to keep a wide smile in.
"She's your kid," Anya says beside me.
I had almost forgotten about her. I look at you to silence her, it's not the right time nor place to talk about it, but she's looking at the child, and when I look back at my daughter she is staring at me with some confused hope.
"You're my mom ?" she asked me, and I swallow hard to keep my tears in.
I have to be strong for her. "Don't you already have a mom ?" I ask back.
She looks down, her hands playing with the big blanket covering her small body.
"She said she's not my real mom, I heard her, she said it to people, I heard her five times, I counted."
I smile, but my smile hurts because I feel my child's pain. I think that's her who kept her and tried to raise her, but she's as bad of a mother as she is of a girlfriend, and now there's a little girl who doesn't know where she is from. I lean and lay a kiss on her forehead. I don't want to pull away, but I don't want to scare her, so I lift up and tell her "My name is Lexa. I'm your mother."
"I know," she says. She's still staring at me, not paying attention of Anya. She doesn't really know, but she knows. Exactly like I did when I saw her for the first time in this hospital room. "My name is Tris," she adds, and there are something else she wants to say, but she seemed scared.
I gently squeeze her hand to encourage her, and looking up at me, she asks "You will go like they did ?"
My heart tightens at her fear. They... it's them. Her and him, I guess. Her biological father. Who else ? I should've seen it coming... their abduction. She wanted a child, she didn't even have to bother getting pregnant. I'm pretty sure she lied about her issues. She probably can have children but she had another woman to give her one, why struggle with a pregnancy ?
Well, she didn't think of the most important fact - this little girl is mine and I'm the only one who can really protect her. This awful genetic disease is only a proof of it. But my heart is also telling me that it's more capable of taking care of Tris, and that's what I'm gonna do now. I'm gonna fight for her. I won't let them take her away from me again.
"No, Tris, I won't leave," I reassure her, "I'm staying with you."
She still looks worried, but mostly tired. She needs to rest. Even I might use a nap. But her hand holds onto mine and I know she will fear loneliness if I get back to my bed, so I throw a look at Anya for her to help me settle into bed with Tris. She helps me move Tris a bit so I can lay down beside her and Tris doesn't complain. She even lays her head on my shoulder.
I think my presence comforts her. And I know her presence comforts me too. She closes her eyes and I'm about to do the same, but Anya is still here. I look at her, throwing her an apology.
"I'll tell you everything later," I whisper, and she nods.
"I'll come back to visit in a few days," she says and is ready to leave the room, but instead she adds "the team needs you, Lexa. I know Matt will let you back in when you explain everything to him."
She leaves without waiting for an answer from me. She gives me time to think. I want to go back into the team, but I know I will never go back to live at Matt's frathouse. I can't see a future without my daughter. I was given a second chance, finding her here, and I'll do everything in my power to help her get better and keep her with me.
Clarke
I've waited an hour as I was told and I'm now walking toward Lexa's room. I'm slow because of my crutches, I wish I could fly, it would've been way easier for me. I take time to get to Lexa's room, and when I do, I see two women arguing on the doorstep. One is standing with assurance, her back facing the door, though her clothes make her look like she just got out of bed. Grey pants and a white tank shirt. In front of her a woman is yelling at her. Same age, I think. They both look young. Thirty or below.
"What's going on here ?" I ask them, stopping on the two's side.
"Who are you ?" the yelling one asks me.
Her chestnut hair almost matches her eye color. Her high cheek bones almost make her look threatening.
"I'm Clarke Griffin, the doctor's daughter, and a friend of Lexa's. Who are you ?"
The other woman, pajama girl, looks at me from head to toes.
"I'm Tris' mother, I have a right to see my daughter !"
My heart jumps. Adrenaline. It's her, isn't it ? The woman who hurt Lexa. She looks like she could be nice, warm, but she's currently acting like a bitch, and knowing Lexa's story, I know she is one.
"You're Lexa's ex, right ?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
She doesn't answer. She looks right through me and she understands that I know the answer.
"You took her child," I add, "you took everything from her."
The other woman with the tank top looks at me with caution. Do I know her ?
"Lexa didn't prevent her baby's disease, I'm not the one at fault here," the so-called mother says.
It makes me so angry that I step forward, holding onto my crutches. "Because of people like you, people die."
"I saved my daughter ! I made Lexa come here !" she points out at me, her chin up, which makes me want to punch her badly.
But she said it. She admitted of getting Lexa to come here for her daughter. It wasn't luck which brought Lexa here. It was her. The one who hurt Lexa is in front of me today.
"You make her come to save the kid and now you're gonna take the child away from Lexa again ?!"
"Lexa is not a mother, now move."
Her tone is harsh, but not enough to scare me. I won't let her hurt Lexa again. I don't move, and she doesn't like it. I can see her patience leaving her stare and her feet abruptly hits my injured ankle. I let a scream out, falling harshly onto the floor. I look up in pain, waiting for another kick, but the woman is lying on the floor, the other woman with the tank top holding her against the floor.
It happens fast. Nurses come. One yells for her colleague to page my mother. The latter comes, right at me, while security takes the violent girl away. I wish I had been able to fight back. I would've loved punching her in the face.
My mother helps me sit on a rolling chair so she can take a closer look at my ankle. The wound reopened slightly but it's nothing serious. She patches me up and I want to stand up already, which she is strictly against.
"Mom, I need to see Lexa !"
"The officers will bring the woman in to confront her and Lexa. You have to wait."
"What ? No way ! I wanna be there ! That woman abducted her child, and I don't know how but she made Lexa come here ! She wanted Lexa here to trick her again !"
She sighs and I already know what she's gonna say.
"Clarke... I know you like that girl but-"
"She's the only one who understands !" I shout in despair, and get my mother's attention. "She went through what I went through, being fooled by another woman, but it didn't end up in death... she had a child Mom, Lexa had a baby who was taken from her ! It's not like Dad, Mom... Dad is dead, we can't bring him back, and I regret it everyday, but Lexa... she can still be reunited with her daughter..." After stinging since the begininng of my monologue, my eyes let tears drop. "Lexa needs help and I need to help her... I need her, Mom..."
My mother bend the knee to be at my height. She wipes my tears with both of her hands and whispers "I know."
What does she know ? That I regret what happened to Dad ? I regret having being such an idiot ? That I need to help Lexa ? That I need her... all of it, I guess.
"Can we be happy again ?" I ask her. The words slipped out of my mouth before I could keep them as a silent wish.
"I want you to be happy, Clarke," she answers, taking my chin with two fingers and lifting it up. "That's why I was so mad at you for quitting school. I know you always wanted to do great things."
I look in her eyes and see she's telling the truth. "I'm trying to do good..."
She caresses my cheek with her hand and stands up, kissing my forehead in the process. She sees something behind me and I turn my head. Two officers are coming into Lexa's room, holding the woman. She isn't handcuffed, I guess it's not of use with two officers present, but I feel sick at knowing Lexa will be seeing her again without having spent much time with her child.
My mother makes me wait a few more minutes outside before she lets me stand up again. I'm going in. I hope Lexa's heart hasn't been robbed of all the hope finding her daughter brought her.
Back with my crutches, I come into the room. My mother left, she was paged. Inside, I see Lexa sitting on her daughter's bed, her eyes fixed on her exgirlfriend, one officer beside each one of them.
The officers see me but the two women are two focussed on throwing death glares at each other.
"I'm going to ask for Tris' custody whether you like it or not," Lexa says harshly.
Her jaws are clenched. I feel she is in pain, seeing this woman again, in these circumstances. I look at her daughter, whose name I've just learnt is Tris. This name suits her, somehow. She is trying to sleep, but her eyelids are sligtly open as if she wanted to wake up and see what is disturbing her sleep, but is too exhausted to do so.
"I have Tris' father to help me raise her, you can't win. You're still a student, no serious job, no place to live with a kid, and you're alone."
"She's not alone !" I yell, getting everyone's attention on me, even Tris' whom was woken up by my shouting.
Lexa's eyes pierce through mine and I wonder if she's mad at me for intruding or if she feels relieved someone is here to back her up.
"This will have to continue later with your lawyers," one of the officers says, and they leave, forcing the other woman to follow them, leaving me alone with Lexa and her daughter.
They felt the tension in the air and they were right to get the bitch out because I would've taken my revenge even with crutches.
Lexa is still staring at me and I ask her quietly if I can sit beside her. My arms are starting to hurt from having been holding me up on the crutches. She nods and I settle, being cautious of the little girl's body laying under the big blanket.
"How is she ?" I ask, hoping the surgery went well for her.
"The doctors are optimistic. Seems like there is no better treatment for a little girl than her mother."
She laughs nervously. I hope she won't lose her mind because of the crazy situation going on. I feel she wants to cry.
"I'd cry if I were you. I'd let the stress fly away."
She smiles, a sad smile I want to erase. "I have to be strong for her. I don't want the police to take her away from me."
I understand her worry. She found her daughter but it's not said she's gonna be able to keep her.
"You know, I meant it when I said you're not alone. You have friends who can help you. I can help you to. We can find a way for your daughter to stay with you."
"Why would you want to help me ?" she asks straight away.
I know we were fighting not so long ago, but there was a reason for that, and I want her to understand that we don't have to keep fighting. If we can't stay apart without running into each other and be mad for whatever reason, then we can help each other.
"I've been willing to help you for a while, you got away."
"You didn't let me help you either !" she says, sadness flying from her lips.
She's not sad because of me, is she ? She was almost one door in front of mine, at the tavern, and I didn't know it was her. Everything I heard from my neighbour... I loved you dangerously... I frown. It was her door, isn't it ? The music came from her room. More than the air that I breathe. It so obvious, I should've guessed.
"I loved you dangerously..." I whisper.
Lexa's eyes widen in surprise, then comes shame. But she doesn't have to be ashamed. I'm one to understand.
"We made mistakes, Lexa, but I wish we could stop pushing each other apart. I know I need you and it's too late to go back."
I want to look away in case she pushes me away again. Seeing the embarassment in her eyes would hurt me like hell. I made a big step, and I hope she won't kick me out.
"I wish that too," she declares, and my heart screams in joy with a few loud beats.
I smile, relieved. A nurse comes into the room to check on Tris.
"I should go. I leave you my number, call me if you need anything," I say.
I know the nurses will drag me back to my room if I don't go myself. And I suppose Lexa needs time alone with her daughter. I'm still going to check on them later in the night, if I manage to slip out of my room without being busted by the evil nurse constantly yelling at patients.
I leave my number as planned, written down on a small paper on the nightstand, and walk to the door, still very slow.
I open the door, and before leaving, I hear Lexa's voice one more time.
"The song wasn't about her."
I want to stay and ask, though I think I already know what she meants. Could I stay with her ? No, I can't. I know I can't stay in her room, I'm not allowed, and I would only cause trouble to the nurses who come to take care of the mother and daughter.
I go back to my room, and I can't get rid of the feeling of weightlessness, even though I should feel very heavy on the crutches. I may not have to deny anymore. I can at least admit it to myself now - I like Lexa Woods a bit too much.
I love her dangerously.
