Lyrics from Plumb's "Damaged"
With a faint creak of a building that had long since settled, the door opened revealing Nascimento's dark apartment. Once open it hung lifeless and still, just like the empty space inside. No wife stirred, buzzing around the kitchen preparing dinner. No baby cried to be held or changed. There was nothing. It was empty. Quiet.
The apartment was the polar opposite of Nascimento's head at the moment. His mind buzzed and spun, unable to keep up with and process the day's events. Everything felt out of his control. His life had taken a turn of its own, very much without his consent. And he didn't like the feeling that left him with, not one little bit.
Closing his eyes as he shoved the key back in his pocket Nascimento tried to shove down the uneasiness bubbling up inside of him. Sweat began to bead on his brow line.
"Well, this is it," Nascimento mumbled as he stepped through the open door, leaving the girl standing in the hallway behind him. Quietly he leaned down, untying his military issue boots and slipping them off his feet. They were snug and smelled of sweat. It felt good to stretch his toes and leave that part of work at the door.
When he looked up Natalia was still standing there outside the threshold. She was visibly uncomfortable. Nascimento noticed the way she fidgeted nervously with her hands, the way her breaths had become suddenly shallow and rapid. He noticed the way her muscles twitched as she tried to cross the invisible line into his apartment.
Nascimento swallowed uneasily. What a bad idea it had been to invite the black-haired girl from the favela into his home. When he had invited her, he hadn't given it much thought. The words had just escaped his mouth in a moment of weakness, a moment fueled by pent up guilt. Since the two of them had exited BOPE's headquarters, though, he had had plenty of time to think of it, and with every thought it seemed a worse and worse idea. But here they were and it was too late now.
"Are you alright?" Nascimento asked Natalia who continued to stand just outside of the door.
The girl jumped at the sound of his voice. Her expression look startled. "Huh?"
"Coming in?"
Natalia nodded with feverish intensity. Something about the way her eyes were fixated on the ground, on the invisible line drawn in the doorway, told Nascimento that she was trying to convince herself and not him.
Natalia inhaled deeply, holding the air in until her lungs began to burn. Slowly she exhaled letting the soothing rhythm of a song play in her head, drowning out her inner voice that was screaming at her to run. A couple more deep breaths and she pulled herself together enough to take the plunge and hurried through the doorway. Her eyes shut at the sound of the door closing behind her. It was like a boa constrictor tightening around her chest, squeezing the breath and life out of her.
Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know...
"...And the bathroom is through the kitchen on the left," Nascimento finished telling his guest as he stood there and went through the rote routine and pointed out where key things were in the apartment - kitchen, bathroom, and the sofa near the entrance where she would be sleeping. Natalia just stood there, her back to the door, staring blankly in front of her. Every now and then her eyes would blink, but aside from that she stood as still as a statue. He couldn't help but wonder if she heard a word he said. If she did, she certainly didn't give any response.
Like an animal caught in a trap. That was how helpless Natalia felt. She was pinned there between the intimidating man in front of her, still wearing his black clothes with the Skull's logo emblazoned on them, and the door shut firmly behind her. Fear paralyzed her and she became acutely aware of the sound of her own heart pounding in her chest. The sound was so loud she was sure he could hear it.
Recognition. It was as clear as day. Nascimento had seen that same look before that was in her eyes now. He had seen it many times. Back in the favelas when he and his team would run down some scum bag, some kid the dealers had delivering drugs for them, some thug who had run out of ammo and high-tailed it. When he had them cornered, that is when he saw that look. It was the look of terror at being trapped and having nowhere left to run, of having no way to escape.
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Normally he relished that look. Part of him lived for those moments when he caught the filth of his city and could make them pay and remove them from the streets. But not this time, not now. A pang of guilt struck Nascimento at the realization of what this girl, with her big, frightened brown eyes was going through at the moment and the roll he played in it. His eyelids fluttered, his own eyes glancing away as he stepped aside, opening up a route past him into the apartment. It was her choice she had to make. To stay or to leave. Unlike the scum he caught in the slums, she had the option and the power was hers to choose.
A sigh escaped her lips as Natalia exhaled the stale air that had been trapped in the bottom of her lungs. The muscles in her face began to relax as Nascimento moved aside. He was her host, she reminded herself, not her captor. It was okay. She took one more tentative step into the apartment. She would stay, for now. She had nowhere else to go, and as much as she feared the man she was staying with, after so long living a lie it was a relief to know that this one person knew the truth.
Hours passed. Natalia sat on the sofa, with he feet tucked underneath her. From the kitchen came the rattling and clanging sounds of dishes. The fridge would slam and Natalia's body would lurch. Out of her view, Nascimento muttered frustratedly under his breath. She couldn't help but wonder how long his wife had been away.
As the time had passed, so had the frantic pounding of her heart subsided. And although calmer Natalia felt far from fine. Her decision to stay left her uncertain, unsure. She needed guidance, some sort of reassurance that the path she had chosen was the one she was meant to be on, that this is what God intended for her. Instinctively her hand made its way to her neck to where her sisters cross ought to be, but her grasping fingers came up empty.
Nascimento stuck his head out from the kitchen, "Are you hungry?" he asked awkwardly.
What was he supposed to say to her, he wondered. He was sure some sort of apology, but he would not, because despite the guilt he felt he had been doing his job and he would have done it again. Still it wasn't easy and he found himself at a complete lack of words or understanding what to do with his guest.
With bullet like speed, Natalia's head shot up at the sound of his voice. Her brown eyes wouldn't meet his. Unable to form words, she shook her head vigorously. No, she wasn't hungry. Well, truth was she was hungry. Her body was anyways. It had been a while since she had anything to eat as her life had fallen apart the last couple of days. But, anxiety tied her stomach in knots and there was no way that she would be able to keep any food down, she knew that much.
Well he had tried. With a frown, Nascimento disappeared back into the kitchen. If the girl didn't want to eat, that wasn't his problem. He'd have his dinner, catch what was going on in the evening news, and then get some shut eye. So that is what he did. He ate, and turned on the TV to Globo News.
It seemed BOPEs mission into the favela days previous, to execute the drug dealer Baiano, was still making headlines. More surprising yet was the mixed reactions their blatant disregard for the rules had garnered. Not everyone was condemning the actions of him and his team. No, surprisingly many people, including some well known TV personalities, were supportive, insisting that a tougher stance needed to be taken with the criminals. Nascimento raised an eyebrow before turning off the TV and turning around to retire to his room.
Natalia was standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. He didn't know how long she had been standing there, how long she had been watching. Had she seen the news coverage of the previous day in the favela. Surely she would have a very different reaction to it, having been on the receiving end of the tougher stance that some were advocating for.
Nascimento opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. There was nothing he could say. Instead it was Natalia that spoke.
"Is it alright if I take a shower?" she asked simply. Her body language was timid. It was hard for her being in the home of a man who had beaten and interrogated her, in his home.
Nascimento swallowed and blinked rapidly. Maybe she had seen less than he thought. "Of course," he blurted out after a moment.
Natalia pressed her lips firmly together, forming a thin line. Dressed in his civilian clothes his features seemed softer. The scowl that always adorned his face had been abandoned along with his work uniform too. She noticed dark rings under his brown eyes. He looked tired and worn down, something she hadn't noticed previously. In fact, he looked less like a monster and almost like a normal human being, she thought as she nodded in thanks.
Nascimento sat at the kitchen table drinking a glass of water. From the bathroom came the sound of running water and muffled sobs. He listened, that uneasy feeling creeping back to the surface. None of his training, none of his past experience, told him what to do in this situation. Instead of his wife and son this strange woman, whom he barely knew, was here. Their brief history so complicated that every gesture, every action was awkward.
Reluctantly Nascimento dragged himself over to the door. Knocking gently he asked, "Is everything alright?"
Hastily, Natalia shut off the water and reached up to wipe the tears from her eyes with the back of her wrist. "Fine," she called from behind the locked door. "Everything's fine." They both knew it wasn't.
Natalia stepped gingerly out of the shower. With her index finger she traced lines in the foggy mirror on the medicine cabinet above the sink.
B. R. O. K. E. N
Broken. That was how she felt. Damaged goods. So much baggage that she could barely stand under the weight of it. It wasn't just the interrogation by BOPE. So much had happened over the last couple of months that she wished she could take back. Baiano had wanted to punish her for losing his drugs. Even though he was dead now, he had succeeded.
Natalia shuddered. Her skin was red and raw from the hot water of the shower. Try as she might to scrub away the memories her skin still crawled. She could still smell the stink of Baiano's loser friends. What else could she have done? If she had refused, Baiano would have shot her. If she was dead, she would never find justice for her family.
Wiping away her writing, Natalia peered at her reflection. She looked tired and worn down too. Maybe tonight she could sleep. There would be no one creeping into her room. There would be no need to constantly be watching over her shoulder as she wandered the streets wondering if the Red Command had linked her to Baiano's death. Maybe in the most unlikely of circumstances things might start to get better.
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Won't let anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know...
Roberto Nascimento rolled over and threw his arm over the spot where his wife should be. No warm body laid next to him. Hazily he registered the sound of footsteps and cupboards in the kitchen, and for a moment he thought that Rosane was back, that soon he would hear Rafael's hungry cries. Then the previous day came flooding back to him. He glanced at the alarm clock sitting on the nightside table and groaned. It read 4:43 am.
Reluctantly he swung his legs out from under the covers and over the side of his queen size bed and got up. Wearing his pajama bottoms and an old grey t-shirt he trudged out to see what Natalia was up to so early in the morning. He found her in the kitchen, stretched up on her tip toes peering into a cupboard.
The girl had had no possessions, aside from the stack of notes the newspaper had turned her away with. She had had no clean clothes. Nascimento had lent her one of his shirts to wear as a nightie so that she would not have to change back into her grubby clothes after showering. It was the best he could offer as Rosane had taken all of her belongings when she had left.
The shirt had come halfway down Natalia's thighs. She was much shorter and more petite than the man. It hadn't been perfect but it would do. Now though, stretched out trying to reach for something the shirt rode up to just below her buttocks. Her slender legs extended, their muscles flexing as she struggled to gain that last inch.
Nascimento had to swallow and look away. "What are you doing?" he asked, trying to mask his own embarrassment.
Natalia spun around at the sound of his voice, sending a large glass bowl crashing to the floor. Glass shattered everywhere. Natalia immediately dropped to the floor, frantically trying to pick up the scattered shards.
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
There's only for my soul
And undo this fear
Forgiveness for a man
Who was stronger
I was just a little girl
But I can't look back...
Some people just weren't cut out for the fight. Nascimento saw it all the time when we recruits came to the BOPE training camp. It wasn't just the corrupt cops that needed to be weeded out, it was the weak too, it was those who lacked heart. Sometimes it was better that someone who just didn't have it in them give up early on, rather than drag it out. Whether that someone was a new recruit trying out, or a cowardly girl kneeling on his kitchen floor was moot.
"Stop," Nascimento ordered firmly. "Just stop."
Natalia froze. Tears were brimming in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she pleaded. "I just thought I could make breakfast. You let me stay here, Captain Nascimento, it's the least I could..."
Nascimento shook his head. He had thought that Natalia had heart the times he encountered her previous, but maybe he was wrong. The look he sent the girl silenced her. Natalia's jaw snapped shut and she knelt there on the floor waiting for the wrath to follow, waiting for the sting of his hand across her face for her mistake.
Nascimento crouched down next to her. "You're never going to find the justice you're looking for," he spoke in a calm but antagonizing voice. He leaned over her shoulder the way he would with his recruits during BOPE training camp when he told them they wouldn't succeed, that they should just quit.
"How dare you!" Natalia snapped, forgetting her fear for a moment as she tried to stand.
Nascimento reached out with lightning reflexes and grabbed Natalia by the wrist, firmly keeping her in place. "Never," he repeated calmly. "Do you know why?"
"Go to hell!" Natalia shouted trying to pull away from him.
"Do you know why?" Nascimento repeated, his grip not wavering.
Natalia glared at him. "Why?" she asked reluctantly giving in to his game.
"Because you're a mess. You're nothing more than a frightened little girl. You can't even look at me and you want to take on Rio de Janeiro's corrupt police force?" He raided an inquisitive eye brow. "You will never take them down because you don't have what it takes."
"I spent two years living with the Red Command," Natalia protested her eyes locking onto his. "You think that was fun? You think that is what I wanted to do? I did it because that's what I had to do to get close enough to gather evidence." Her back was up. She wasn't going to let this man tell her that she didn't have what it took, not after everything she had been through. "It wasn't easy, but I did it and I would do it again if it meant I had a chance at bringing those bastards down."
"You'll never bring them down," Nascimento repeated in the same calm, antagonizing voice. He shook his head slowly from side to side. "Never."
"I have to," Natalia insisted.
"You should just give up."
"No," Natalia shook her head. She couldn't understand why he was saying all these horrible things to her. All she had done was broken a bowl. "I can't," she pleaded.
"What you can't do is win. You'll never beat them. Give up, forget about it and move on with your life."
"Never!" Natalia snapped, a sudden fierceness in her voice. She was ready for a fight. How dare this man... but she stopped when she noticed the triumphant smile that had crept onto Nascimento's face. He had let go of her wrist. This was what he wanted she realized. This is what he had been pushing her towards.
Can't go back...
I can't go back...
I must go on...
I must go on...
"What will you do now?" Nascimento asked Natalia a little while later as the two of them sat quietly at the table eating breakfast.
"I will do whatever I need to do," Natalia replied with the utter certainty of someone who's faith is unshakable. "I will get the evidence that Tom needs for the newspaper. If he wants photographs... If he wants video recordings, that is what I will give him and I won't stop until I have succeeded." Not until she fulfilled her promise to her baby sister, Camila.
"It won't be easy."
"I know. But if I don't, then who will do what is right? I have to do this. I can't give up."
Nascimento found himself surprised at how much he liked the heart of the girl sitting across from him, the girl whom he had written off as nothing more than a drug-running scumbag. But she was much more than that, and he couldn't help but admire her rediscovered determination, her spirit.
