AN: Thank you, lovelies, for your beautiful reviews. In particular, myprofoundfantasy and simplysempre for their many reviews. Reviews are love and happiness! I wish a hundred fuzzy baby kitties on anybody who reviews (unless you're allergic, in which case I hope you have hypoallergenic kitties)! Kisses, Storm
AN2: This chapter was hard to write. I know Scorpius seems like an arse (remember, he's watching the boy he loves me all cutesy with another boy who he deems in some way superior to him), but I promise he'll be okay in the end. And I know many people are starting to like Dan Gaither (Scorpius calls him that because he feels uncomfortable with either Dan or Gaither), but don't worry about him! He'll be fine. xoxo :)
Oh, and disclaimer: I borrowed a few (four) lines of dialogue from the wonderful, adorable, and heart-wrenching indie film Shelter, which I highly recommend that you all watch. It's been a secret fantasy of mine ever since I watched it to have someone say those lines with me… see if you can guess which lines they are. (Hint: They're the well-written ones).
Chapter 9
The next morning, Al woke just before dawn. Shite… he thought, staring at the platinum-haired boy beside him, looking almost angelic in his sleep. Scorpius's hair was slightly mussed in a way that he would never have allowed it to be. Al felt almost… honoured to see Scorpius like this, without a care in the world. He pulled Scorpius in to lie on his chest and ran his fingers slowly through the boy's hair, mussing it further and delighting in the silken touch.
As the sun's rays crept over the horizon, Scorpius woke in Al's arms. Peering sleepily up at Al, he blinked twice and then offered a little grin. "Hey…" his lips mouthed.
Al smiled down at him. "Hey," he mouthed back.
Scorpius clutched the fabric of Al's shirt and rested heavily against the black-haired boy. "What time is it?" he asked quietly, his speech blurred by sleep.
Al brushed Scorpius's hair back. "Dunno," he said. "Sunrise, but I don't know the exact time."
"We have classes today?" Scorpius asked, his Ravenclaw train of thought coming through in the early morning before even his teenaged boy's stomach.
Al nodded. "It's Tuesday. We've Transfigurations first, I think."
"You been watching me?"
Al flushed and his lips betrayed his brain. "You're so beautiful."
"Shut up," Scorpius murmured, closing his eyes again, his fist gathering more of Al's shirt in its grasp.
"Learn to take a compliment," Al drew his hand through Scorpius's hair for the millionth-and-first time, his fingertips instinctively tracing the little imperfections on the blonde's scalp.
Al felt Scorpius smile against his chest. "Thanks," he whispered, just loudly enough for Al to hear.
A few minutes of blissful silence passed. Al felt his eyelids drooping slowly when Scorpius murmured, "Al…"
"Mmmm?" Al said, jerking himself more awake.
But Scorpius didn't answer. Perhaps he had been asleep, or perhaps he just didn't want to tell Al the reason why he had murmured his name like that. Al couldn't decide which one he liked better.
As the room brightened slowly, Al carefully lifted the blonde off of his chest and moved into his own cold, lonely bed. It was missing something—Scorpius, to be precise. But with the way things were now, the… closeness… of their friendship had to be kept a secret. Scorpius didn't want to come out, and he had Lena anyway.
Al found he couldn't sleep. Perhaps he would have to get himself one of those Muggle boyfriend pillows, the ones with the arm that wraps around you. Or maybe a body pillow, so he could pretend it was Scorpius whenever he needed to. That sounded nice, he decided. Maybe he would actually get one.
-o-
It wasn't until Al walked into the Dining Hall that he remembered something he really shouldn't have forgotten. Or really, someone. His eyes lit upon the Gryffindor table and a head with raven hair that he realized that he hadn't once thought about Dan Gaither—his boyfriend—when he had been with Scorpius. He hadn't once considered what Dan would have thought had he walked in on them. Al knew it was just a close friendship, but at least he was aware that that's not necessarily precisely what it looked like. Two boys, one openly gay and the other closeted, cuddling on a bed together may have been Al's definition of a platonic relationship, but he doubted it was Dan's.
He made a decision. No more cuddles or anything else with Scorpius, at least while they were both dating other people. If he couldn't focus on anything else while he was with the platinum blond, he couldn't be doing anything with him that could be misinterpreted.
His brain liked the decision a lot more than something inside of him. It felt like a pit, almost, opened up. He felt nearly sick to his stomach, but forced himself to walk casually over to Dan's table.
"Hey, babe," Dan said, catching Al's hand. "Didn't see you much last night."
Was he supposed to give Dan his timetable of everything he did at exactly the moment he did it? Was Dan required to know of his whereabouts at all times just so he could be sure that Al wasn't being unfaithful? Dan was invading his privacy. He had a right to do what he wanted when he wanted with whomever he wanted without being monitored! Dan was treating him like a child and had no—
He came to the realization that he was perhaps being a little unfair towards Dan. Ignoring the pit in his stomach, he responded with an attempt at calm, "Sorry, I was studying." Dan nodded, and Al, feeling emptier than ever, leaned down haltingly to kiss his boyfriend on the cheek. "What did you do?"
"Attempted my Charms essay. I just hope I can get an A in that class, honestly. I'm on the borderline right now."
Al tugged on his boyfriend's hand, noting with irritation how cool and dry and not-clammy it was. "Come sit with me at the Ravenclaw table."
"Al, I'm already sitting here. You should sit here with me. You know we've always got a space for you," he said, glancing briefly around at his many Gryffindor friends, most of whom were looking at their food or talking to one another, ignoring the conversation between the two boys.
"But I always sit here," Al said, well aware of his petulant, whining tone. "Come sit with me today."
And Dan gave in easily, as he usually did. It was both irritating—Al wasn't sure if he actually wanted to get his way—and frustrating. Dan gave in too easily sometimes. It wasn't the best Gryffindor trait. He admired Scorpius's ability to give in strategically in order to get what he really wanted. And he wished he had the ability to get the blond boy out of his head.
So the school's only gay couple sat at the Ravenclaw table today. Michael didn't seem to know how to talk to Dan, and Lena and Meagan were discussing advanced Potions theory, which Dan couldn't follow at all. And Al wished he could say it wasn't horribly uncomfortable. But he couldn't. Scorpius, ironically enough, was the only one attempting to hold an actual conversation with Dan. In his own snarky, adorable, self-righteous way.
"Dan, you said you liked History of Magic, right?"
Dan nodded, a look in his eyes that Al read as a longing for the Gryffindor table. "Yeah, I like it. It makes sense, you know? And it's fascinating, because it's all so relevant to how we got here today. As the famous saying goes, 'Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.' I think that's so important, especially with the time of You-Know-Who just barely in the past and already beginning to sound like the bogeyman."
"Never heard of it," Scorpius said smoothly, forking a slice of banana into his mouth.
"What, the bogeyman? It's this—"
Scorpius scoffed. "No, of course I've heard of the bogeyman. I haven't heard of this saying. Is it Muggle?"
Dan blushed red. He seemed to regard his understanding of Muggle society as an embarrassment. He nodded. "I suppose so."
"And you're good at Arithmetic, too?"
Dan grinned. "My favourite subject, actually. What's yours?"
"Not something learned in the Muggle world."
"Scorpius!" Al broke in angrily, aware of his boyfriend's embarrassment. Scorpius only smiled politely and continued.
"I like Transfigurations, personally."
Dan coughed by way of response.
"I could help you, if you want," Scorpius offered bluntly. "Al's pretty good at it, too, if you want help. Of course, he's better in Potions and Defence, but I best him in Transfigurations. They say that if you like a subject more, you're going to do better in it."
Still reddened, Dan nodded. "That makes sense." He formed the words awkwardly, embarrassedly.
Al decided it was time to intervene. "I'll help you if you tell me what in Merlin's name Binns was talking about today. They really should get a teacher who was alive in the last century, in my opinion. My father says he doesn't even know when Binns died." He forced a laugh, hoping to resolve the tension.
Scorpius nodded and opened his mouth to respond to Al's comment, but Dan was already speaking. Scorpius huffed and sat back, cursing every word that came out of the Gryffindor's mouth. "See, that's what's so amazing about Professor Binns. Perhaps he wasn't alive recently, but he really lived what he's talking about, you know? He has all of these little anecdotes and interesting tidbits that you can barely find in any textbooks. He's written several, you know. None of the ones we use at school, unfortunately, but more for historians who want to understand history in greater depth. I've read a few of them, of course, but they're so complex and detailed I can barely understand it. He's really a fascinating person," he finished, slightly out of breath.
Al and Scorpius sat in mildly shocked states. Neither of them had ever heard anybody speak so passionately about History of Magic, widely regarded as the most boring class in school. Or about Professor Binns, decidedly the most boring teacher in school. Al felt accomplished on days he didn't actually fall asleep in class. He usually borrowed Rosie's notes to study for the tiresome tests.
"You sound like Rosie Weasley," Scorpius remarked slowly after a pause.
Dan stammered, "Al's cousin? That Rose Weasley? She's so smart, I couldn't possibly sound like her. She passes Charms without breaking a sweat."
Al had to agree with Scorpius, though. Even Rosie, though, hadn't ever praised Professor Binns the way Dan just had. "Not History of Magic, though. She gets an O, of course, but then so does Lena. And both of them struggle even staying awake in that class." He nudged Dan casually in the side. "See? You could teach even her something."
Dan smiled happily, slinging an arm around Al, who didn't even want to shake it off. It was nice to finally hear how Dan was excelling in something academic, even if it was a class that everybody hated. So what, his boyfriend was a little bit different? He didn't care.
Scorpius did care, though, watching Dan's arm around Al through narrowed eyes. He saw how Al didn't look even remotely uncomfortable with Dan's possessive embrace. He cared more, perhaps, than Al's supposedly platonic friend should. But then, he had no intentions of keeping their relationship platonic.
-o-
Trudging through his classes that day, Al thought carefully about what he needed to say to Scorpius. He had to end whatever borderline interactions they had. It wasn't fair to Dan or to Lena, and Al felt terribly guilty about it. He planned to use their "study" time in the dorm room to talk to him directly. It would be a hard conversation, but it had to be done. He didn't have a choice.
-o-
Scorpius eagerly anticipated that night. Al would put his arm around him, and they would be together on his bed. He would cuddle into Al's side and make him forget all about Dan Gaither. He would give a passing hello to Lena on the way up the dorm, and possibly even chat with the others while he waited for Al. He wasn't entirely certain, though, that Michael would be even somewhat polite to him around Lena. He hated what his hidden sexuality had done to their friendship and to Lena and to Al, but it had to be hidden. He didn't have a choice.
He thought back to what Rose Weasley had told him. "You always have a choice… Always," she had said. He supposed she was right. Technically, he did have a choice: remain closeted and hurt his friends and Al, or come out and risk his father's homophobia. It was obvious which was the only viable option. Being straight was the only way he would make it through Hogwarts. He really didn't have a choice.
Michael looked particularly upset with him when Scorpius walked into the Common Room that night. Lena lit up, though, and ran to hug him. He supposed he should feel a bit guilty that he hadn't kissed her yet, but he didn't. He hadn't been able to bring himself to that day he had decided he would. He wrapped his arms around her, pretending it was just the hug of two good friends. It wasn't, though, and he knew it.
Which made it really, really hard to pretend.
"Scorp? You okay?" Lena asked, running her hand softly though his hair.
He nodded. "Yeah, just not feeling well. I think I'll go lie down," he said, extracting himself from her arms.
She looked worried. "Do you want me to walk you upstairs?"
Scorpius shook her off. "No, I'm fine. I'll just be upstairs, if you need me for anything." He hurried off without looking back.
Surprisingly, Al was already in their room when Scorpius entered. The blond boy felt a wide smile cross his face, undeterred by the fact that Al wasn't on Scorpius's bed but on his own. Scorpius sat down, making room for Al on his bed. "Come sit," he said, patting the bed beside him. "Do you—"
"Scorpius, we have to talk," Al said, not looking at him. Scorpius was surprised. Al sounded rather serious and rather… disappointed, almost. No, that wasn't quite right. Somewhere between sad and resigned, he supposed. Clearly, Al didn't want to have this talk. There was no way this conversation could possibly go well. Nevertheless, if Al wanted to talk, they would talk. Scorpius turned his attention to the boy and waited for him to speak.
Al seemed to be contemplating his words carefully. "Scorpius… whatever we're doing, it needs to stop. It's not fair to Dan, or to your girlfriend."
References to significant others was never something anybody wanted to hear in a conversation with their romantic interest. Scorpius said, "What are we doing, Al?"
The boy spoke slowly. "This… you know what I mean, Scorpius. Don't play dumb. The cuddling, the studying together in a room alone, the sleeping in the same bed at night. We can't do it anymore. I feel badly about it. I can't do it to Dan, and you shouldn't do it to Lena."
Scorpius frowned. "We're close friends, Al. It's platonic."
"Is it?" Al smiled sadly. "I know Dan wouldn't see it that way."
"Why," Scorpius bit out, "is it always about Dan, Al?"
"He's my boyfriend, Scorpius."
"He doesn't even know anything about you!" Scorpius exclaimed. "I know everything about you. I know everything from your favourite colour to where you hide your candy at home. I know you, Al. I… Dan shouldn't be your boyfriend, Al."
Al narrowed his eyes. "At least he's trying," he said coldly.
Scorpius laughed bitterly. "I'm trying, Al! I'm trying to get you back. I know you think our relationship is platonic, but what two boys sleep in the same bed together, wrapped up around one another just because they're close friends? You know that's a lie, Al, why can't you just admit it?"
"Because I like Dan!"
"He's an idiot."
"He's nice!"
"I'm nice."
"You broke my heart, Scorpius. Over and over and over again. And I've given you a hundred second chances, and to see you begging for another one just so I can give you my heart again, all bandaged up, with the hope that you won't just casually toss it out a side window—to see that makes me just—"
"Al, I want to be with you."
"Well, I don't want to be with you, Scorpius. If you can't take friendship, don't. But I will not be with you until you can learn to prove that you will be good to me. I can't have you break my heart again, Scorpius. I think it might actually kill me." His deadly serious expression was broken only by the tear tracks running fiercely down his cheeks.
"I'll prove it to you," Scorpius promised. "That I'll be good to you."
"Don't lie to me," Al spat bitterly, tiredly.
"I'll do it."
"Don't," Al said again, standing up and moving to walk downstairs. "Don't pretend that you've learned, Scorpius. I'm not going to put anything into a relationship with you or anyone else I can't trust to be a good boyfriend. And I don't trust you," he said, opening the door. "I'm sorry, Scorpius," he said sincerely, and then he shut the door solidly.
Scorpius sat on his bed, overcome with anger and some other emotion he was too frightened to name. Even as he was telling himself, "I'll prove it to him," he was skipping steps as he darted down the stairs. Even as he was telling himself, "I'm going to be good to him," his eyes were seeking out Lena as he nearly ran into the Common Room. Even as he was telling himself, "I'll show him how much I love him," he was fiercely grabbing Lena and kissing her, for the first time, on the mouth.
And all he could smell, taste, and feel was Lena. All he could see was the glimpse of Al's face that he caught just before closing his eyes. All he could hear was Michael's derisive, pained laughter that echoed in his head and slammed into his heart.
