Author- I was looking over the reviews, haha, I'm really hoping I could keep this story going so that I could at least get over 100. I've never gotten there. I think that would make me feel like my writing accomplished something… *shrug* dunno.

Anyways, to update that (since I wrote it… MONTHS ago!) I wanna say MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HANUKAH, HAPPY QUANZA, HAPPY SOLSTICE! Wtv, haha, so many holidays to celebrate on concept.

Thank you those who decided to send me a X-MAS card (either featuring their art or not). It really motivated me, seeing how people actually care! (despite the heaviness of this story, haha). I actually can't wait to receive them! And return one :D!

So, again, if you wanna send me one, or want me to send you one, send through MESSAGE. I don't want personal information to drift through the internet!

Anyways, please read :D! AND REVIEW (YOU KNOW THE DRILL)


-Hall of Fame- I mean Reviews-

FearMeRawr- Oh lordy indeed. Haha.

Shipet100- Yeah, I'm pretty sure lots of people felt that way XD

K-Danuve- You know, I read your review… And thought to myself.. What are they talking about? Haha, I haven't written in so long! Surely, this is a sign of my suckage as an author, lmao. But yeah, that is true. I mean, there are many things people have hidden inside that ruin them slowly, and they'll never tell, to either keep themselves from punishment, or keep themselves safe. I dunno, I'm not sure. Haha. Thanks for the review!

Mia-Gabriella- Haha, well, I love it when you review XD! So keep it up! Haha! And yes, yay for shooting!!!

Josephine Falnor- Yeah, true that, haha. And I'm also a fan of Boondock Saints! (drool). Thanks for your concern and review!

TheMostPatheticNameEver- Wow… I'm speechless… Thank you.. So..SO.. SO much! XD! XD! *explodes* And your review was NOT boring!

Miss Hal Gibson- Haha, indeed.

Kyoko_Keehl- Thanks for the concern! And yeah, well, here ya go! Haha! Thanks for the review!

.x.d.x.d.x.d.x- Writing your name is rather confusing, lol. XD. But yeah, isn't angst just… AWESOME?!

Miss Itachi Uchiha- Thanks! Yeah, I've had therapy and psychology since I was in kindergarten, (though, I'm not placing myself in Matt's position, since I've NEVER gone through the tales of this crazy angst story lol). Thanks, and thanks for the review!

Mellow Miheal- Thanks! It is XD, hard to believe too, my father says, since I have no trace of an accent (it's kind of humorous when I meet relatives and they have thick accents, lmao). But hey, it's the learning process. But, my writing (as in stories) was not ALWAYS this good. I thank a teacher from St. Francis (not a religious school) who is an EXCELLENT writer, and has taught me my writing ways, such as a master to a student would, haha. Thanks for the review!

Clumsylittlegirl- Haha, thanks. I will I will! I love this story too much to let go!


Near's eyes searched the monitors from under his bangs. One by one, they roamed, scanning each screen as his men searched. Some of the cameras were pinned to fabric, others were placed where they were regularly placed from the Kira search.

To think, he scoffed, he would be using them to find a fellow former Wammy resident. Supposedly they were all sane, intelligent… But as of lately, Matt and Mello have proven that theory wrong.

His gray eyes flowed through the last of the bottom screens, when something caught his eyes from the one placed on the top left of the last bottom right.

He stared at it for awhile, observing the situation, trying to make sure it was who he was looking for.

It only took him a few seconds.

Quickly, his hand swiped and gripped the walkie-talkie into his pale hand. His small thin finger pushed into the talk button, and with a short inhale of breathe,

"Hal, Gevanni, head to the street name I am about to send you on your phones. The map will have a blinking red light indicating his location. Hurry, go!" He demanded. And although his voice was rough, he still sounded like his collected self.

"Yes sir!" They responded awhile after the image grid was received.

Near slowly forced himself from his common position, his hand pressing against his knee. He eyed the camera, watching Matt as he sat alone in an abandoned warehouse, a location Near was hoping to use later on. Though, out of unfortunate luck, Matt decided to use it too.

He stood, silent, still, before the screen, watching calmly as Matt proceeded with his wishes. Though he masked it rather well, his insides were stirring with anticipation, anxiety.

Although he watched, helplessly, as Matt sobbed and continued to self harm, he only hoped that Hal and Gevani would get there before it was too late, since he knew he could do nothing to keep what he was witnessing from happening.


Mello quickly fled from his bed, running to his bike parked in the garage, on his way to Near's HQ. The call was received around 4 A.M, and Mello was guessing Matt used his exhaustion to his advantage in order to escape.

The blond didn't even hear the sound of the doors opening, or the car starting up.

Though this was not his first rude awakening, it was the only one that gave him a jump start.

He stormed his bike into the buildings empty parking garage, only sitting at least 7 regular cars, and a vast amount of S.W.A.T vans.

Mello nearly spun his bike around to a stop before one on the elevators. He quickly pushed on the brake, turned the engine off, removed his helmet, and paced off the seat and towards the stairs.

He would like to take the elevator, but the urgency in his chest wouldn't allow him to wait. So he tossed his helmet by the bike, fixed his hair lightly, and pushed the stair way door with great force, dashing down them in an instant.

Near's voice sounded calm, but the blond could tell he was on edge with nervousness. No doubt his men were already looking for Matt, but Near, as defenseless and unhelpful as he is, had to stay indoors to keep himself from being seen.

The suspicion that Kira had cameras of his own were above all of doubt. Seeing as how the teenage boy was a masked murder, true genius at hand, there was no room for 'what if's' and probable denial.

So, Mello couldn't blame him. He didn't favor helmets, but he wore them for the same reason as Near. To keep away from Kira, and his whacked girlfriends all-seeing eyes.

As he landed at the bottom of the stairs, facing a rather large, seemingly and undoubtfully secure door, Mello walked up to them, the metallic plates sliding apart, gaining him given access into Near's monochrome room.

"I thought you would've come quicker." Near spat, but only to those around him. A person who barely knew the boy would recognize the manner as rude. But this was an all too common way of expressing his worry towards a certain situation. Just like the time he and Mello heard about L's death, Near just tilted his head and proceeded with his puzzle, though, no words were spoken, those in the room could tell his was angry, and seeking for an ounce of revenge from his stance.

No matter how calm, soft spoken, or blunt Near seemed, his emotions and intentions were obvious to those who knew him rather well.

Mello paced to the screens, his hands pressing against the metallic counter, eyes large as he scanned. He ignored Near as he spoke behind him, lecturing him about his ridiculous decision to allow Matt in his hands, and how it was better if the red head was in a rehab center, where he should be. But Mello ignored, knowing no matter how much he would agree, that he would never take that risk at this time.

"Mihael," Near pressed, trying to gain his attention.

Mello's head fell towards the ground, eyes shut, lips twitching as he grimaced with anger.

The small shuffles of Nears feet could be heard as they slowly neared Mello's hunched, defeated position. "Mihael," He spoke again, no emotion traced in his voice. "I told you, didn't I-"

"Look Near!" Mello spun around, eyes narrowed in anger. His position was still nearly hunched, even though he was supposedly trying to stand straight- stand his ground.

But he was tired, not only from lack of sleep, but from everything.

"Stop acting like you're a kid, because you're not!" He snapped, noting towards the albino's genius brain, out-ruling any reasons for childish behavior. "I know this is my fault! I know!" He yelled, seeming as if at any moment he would break down, and become insane himself. "But you know we can't let any one out there! Not when Kira is still in high alert! Not when he's still a priority!"

Near stood before him, still, silent, his eyes moving slightly, as if observing Mello's expression.

He placed a finger into his hair, twirling a strand immediately, his knees bending, as he slowly balanced himself down to his usual position.

He sat there, for a few seconds, silent, thinking.

The albino seemed troubled. But, as if defeated with his own process of conclusion, he looked up, face blunt, empty, like always. "So you'd much rather prefer he kill himself?" He stated.

The immediate response made it all too clear that Near could find no other way to say it to Mello, the truth that is.

Mello looked at him, agape. Slowly he looked down, his mouth slightly open, as if to say something, but he couldn't search for words. He wanted to make an excuse, to ease his own pain, but he knew there was none.

His blue eyes lifted, looking to Near.

But the solemn expression only lasted a few seconds, when to his surprise, a voice broke through all the flutter and noise of mechanical beeping and static running their continuous process amongst vast counts in Near's cave.

It was Near's walkie talkie, volume loud, as if Near was expecting Mello to burst into flames of shouting, which he did.

With a quick jerk, Mello grabbed it, and held it before him, staring at it, scared. He looked to Near, waiting for Hal to talk again. Near just stared back, slowly raising his hand, finger pointed behind Mello.

Slight fear coursed through the blond, and slowly, he turned, following Near's point of direction.

There, in his line of direct sight, was a screen. The illumination was a green tint, night vision, in other words. Mello's quickly concluded the reasons as to why, and realizing Matt's cleverness, scowled.

The time out was already night, and, in a warehouse, it can seem pretty empty.

Maybe Matt thought that if Mello were to conclude he'd be in such a place, he wouldn't find him in the dark.

And if Matt wasn't dead by the time Mello found him, then he could run around like a rat until he found his means of escape, moving on to somewhere else to finish his pitiful plan.

"Let go of the button…" Near almost hissed.

Mello flinched, looking down to what he held, quickly letting go. He didn't realize how tense he was, as he watched Matt, alone, broken, yet still.

It scared him.

"Ask her if she talked yet. Your stupidity might have forced us to miss something due to your careless behavior towards a very risky situation." Near instructed.

The blond didn't have any will in him to argue back, or return insults. He was too scared, too frightened. It was rather humorous, how, only in this type of situation, did he find himself calm, along with careless. As if his brain decided to shut down.

"Hal," Mello breathed. He swallowed, and tried again quickly. "Hal," He repeated, louder. "Did you say anything other than nearing the warehouse? After informing us of your location?"

"No," She replied, her voice strained. Both Near and Mello could pick up the panic in her voice. "Why?" She later asked, sounding nearly hopeful, as if expecting good news from the monitor room.

Mello shook his head, and pressed the button again. "No reason. Near's instructions." He replied.

There was a brief silence, and from the room, Mello could see her on one of the cameras, at least 2 blocks from the warehouse, holding her walkie. This recent show up on one of the screens was new, meaning that there would be no further news. They could only hope Gevanni was near Matt.

Hal held her walkie near her face, standing still, as if questioning Mello's odd actions. But instead of asking, she continued to run.

Mello turned away, searching for Gevanni on the screens, but stopped when he saw nothing.

Quickly, he looked towards Matt's screen.

All seemed to stop.

Mello's tense stand dropped slowly, his arms going slightly limp, head tilting.

Slowly he neared, eyes narrowed, in question, as he began to see Matt moving rather quickly. "He seems rather determined…" Mello whispered to himself, carefully watching his friends expression. "Near," He called, waving an arm behind him towards the albino. "Can you zoom in on Matt?"

Near stood rather quickly for someone such as himself; the movement seemed rather odd, rare. He placed himself near Mello, pressing a few buttons quickly.

Suddenly, all the screens were monitoring the warehouse. Near focused the image to seem crystal clear. Once that was done, he pressed a few more buttons, zooming into Matt.

It took a few seconds, but the blur and pixilated image soon seemed real, as if Matt were behind a glass wall.

Mello had to take a few steps back to see the whole image, but his eyes were still somewhat narrowed in curiosity, yet still panicked.

"What's he doing?" He asked himself, although he knew very well.

Near walked to him, slowly, as if he had just stumbled out of bed, and looked up to Matt. "Isn't it obvious?" He bluntly asked, though rhetorical.

His head dropped slightly, eyes narrowed, as if angry, large black eyes looking to the red head. "He means to numb himself, or rather, make himself high before he does what we know he very well wants to do." Near tipped. Most people who committed suicide place themselves in a state of 'high', to motivate themselves to further proceed, and, remove any pains while committing to their plan.

Mello almost toppled over. He knew, he was hoping Near wouldn't just say it so bluntly, as if he were taking a fucking stroll through the sunniest park in the city.

Refocusing onto the scene that took place, he looked to Matt's hand. He contemplated for a second, searching for answers as to how Matt was able to obtain any sort of medication, when Matt had never had anything prescribed to him, not after the overdose.

His mind searched, tracing any fragments of memory, no matter how fuzzy.

He then remembered the time when Matt walked away after confessing his twisted story. How the teen just walked up the steps, as if nothing happened, as if what just took place, never happened.

Mello had always placed some sort of medication in his room, to either help him sleep, or tend to any of his past wounds...

He remembered getting off the couch, and walking up the stairs, an hour after Matt did. Afterwards, he just lay on his bed, thoughtless, and fell asleep. Then there was a call that tore him from a dreamless slumber. Picking up the phone, he answered, and quickly rushed out.

There was something, though, in his memory, that tugged at him, irritating him. Something missing....

Realizing it, his head slowly turned up, facing the screens. "... Those are my pain killers…" He whispered.

The screens resolution and zoom in wasn't enough to prove him right, but, from his assortment of medication, the prescribed pain killers were maxed out in milligrams, 800mg each. Enough to put one down to sleep with just one pill. It would only take 5 to nearly kill someone like Matt, weighing at only 115 lbs (52 kl's).

But, from what Mello could tell, Matt knew, as he was taking enough to just end himself before he attempted to slit his wrists, or throat, or use any other insane method to die.

Near's eyes scrolled towards him, though he didn't turn his head to face him. His black orbs returned to Matt. "I certainly do hope that you are not blaming yourself." He argued.

But Mello didn't respond, didn't flinch, or look at him. Of course he believed it was his fault.

Matt leaving the house, taking the car, taking Mello's meds, all while the blond was around, so close. Yet he didn't notice anything, or do anything about it.

All these speed bumps that Matt just stormed through, Mello just drove safely behind, believing that Matt's crazy intentions were just a time period that would change if Mello was able to show the red head how to live life.

But why? Why did Mello believe he could change Matt if he presented himself as someone who cared?

Or someone who was much wiser, when Matt himself was third in line?

Matt was near genius compared to Mello and Near, if anything, was more intelligent than Kira.

So why did Mello believe that his lectures and protest amongst others to keep the red heard around, would help Matt any?

The static sparking through the walkie abruptly stopped, and in came Gevanni's panicked voice.

Mello's eyes focused from his daze, although he was staring directly at the red head, he saw nothing. But as soon as the news came through, he could breathe.

There sat Gevanni, crouched over a fallen Matt, who lay motionless on the ground, the bottle of pain killers rolled across the concrete floor, a few pills that were incapable of being swallowed by Matt's hand spilled about.

Gevanni pulled out a pouch as large as a textbook, and unzipped it with haste. Quickly, he pulled out a small scapula, and a mechanical object that seemed like a long metallic tube with a pointed tip.

Mello quickly got the situation, as Gevanni sterilized the tool, and placed gloves over his shaking hands. Suddenly, the blond was worried with the mans current state, concerned that the shaking would cause Matt's current state to go worse.

"You knew it all along, didn't you?" Mello whispered, not looking towards Near, just staring at the screen as Gevanni sliced a hole near Matt's belly button, placing the pump into his stomach.

Near remained silent.

Mello turned around, face contorted with anger. He couldn't believe this, and hoped that Near was expecting this too, not shrouding his belief with doubts, with false assumptions- that Mello wasn't smart enough to find out. But the pouch, and the utensils inside, proved Near's careless thoughts.

Yet, Near remained silent, looking towards Mello, black orbs staring deep into the blonds shaking blue eyes.

"You knew, and you didn't tell me through the phone?! Why didn't you tell me his location? His intentions?!" He yelled, pacing towards Near, stopping before him, eyes nearly blazing with anxiety.

Near only looked up at him, face blank. "Because," He bluntly began, slowly standing up. "There was nothing you would have been able to do." He stated, tipping off his head towards Gevanni, clearly indicating the tools he was using to save Matt.
"Because I know how much Matt means to you… Because you have to realize," He stood fully, taking a few steps back to meet the tall blonds eyes. "You must realize that Matt's troublesome behavior will flaw us in the Kira case. Because if Matt continues to behave as such, we won't be able to kill the man who killed L… Because as long as Matt behaves this way, your genius process of thinking dwindles."

Mello stood still, his anger shaking off anything that Near was saying, seeming almost narcissistic in a way, ignoring anything that was honest from Near's mouth, to salve his diminishing pride, or any that was left.

"Because you must find out, that Matt will not listen to you, no matter how much you wish he would. Because, as long as Matt is amongst us, he will continue to attempt. Because, if we do not give him professional help, his attempts might overcome victory, and his life will fail in your hands, Mello." He turned away, slowly walking towards an unfinished tower constructed of Lego's.

Mello only stared, his anger slowly draining him. He needed to find a means of escape from his anger, even if it meant watching Gevanni save Matt, which he did. Worry returned, the concern draining any violent outbreaks he might direct towards the albino.

"I could give you many reasons," Near continued, settling near the tower that resembled L's former lair.
"And none would make you feel better. But you must realize, I speak the honest truth, no matter how painful, or ruthless. My intentions are not to carry an argument, or make you feel any worse, but to speak out of honest assumption, that most anyone can tell will happen if we turn a blind eye even for just as second. And if I allow you to further continue this misguided ideal of salvation you believe is balanced within your hands..." He trailed off, his hand scooting off Lego's, searching for a certain piece, intentionally dropping the sentence, looking for a way to lightly put it.

He found his piece, and placed it into a gapped corner. "Because Mello," His finger pressed the piece in, and he remained motionless, only his eyes turning to look up towards the blond who returned eye contact. "There is no balance in your hands. And your intentions are mere stupidity despite your genius mind. And you, believe it is helping him, when Mello," His eyes narrowed. "It's not!"

This behavior was surprising, watching Near's mouth open wider then it usually ever has, his sudden snap.

But, despite any words that roamed through Mello's head, none were good enough. And, the blond realized, it would be a waste of breathe to argue against Near's conclusive points, when all of it was true.

Near's words sprang to life within Mello's head, all of them, driving the blond to near insanity, swirling throughout his mind in a frenzy.

Near was honestly concerned too, and despite that, his trail of thought, powered by his genius, made him seem uptight, and almost calm at the same time.

Mello only nodded. What could he say?

No, Matt really was alright in his hands?

That, despite his many failed attempts, he could still look after the boy? There was no excuse, no bargain. Near was right. However, with Kira still at large, it clouded his judgment. He couldn't let Matt go out there, it would be suicidal… Not that that wasn't the current issue.

The blonds eyes shut tight, his hands clasping at his head, palms pressing against the sides of his head. This was all his fault. Slowly, he sank to his knees. All his fault, all his fault.

His eyes snapped open, blue orbs towards the group, pupils dilated. "This is all my fault…" He whispered to himself, body shaking.

"He's okay!" Gevanni yelled through the walkie talkie, looking towards the camera. "He's going to be alright…"

Near looked to the screen, watching as Hal rushed in, pulling out a cell phone as soon as she saw the body, calling for an ambulance. The boy watched with complete ease.

Mello didn't even look up, as his brows pressed together, his expression broken, as if ready to cry.

Black orbs scrolled towards the blond, who hovered partially hunched against the ground, eyes open, shaking, hair cascading over his face.

The albino failed to show his sympathy, but he gathered it within, hoping that Mello would accept the truth, and look into reality- that this was no longer something Mello could do. And, within, Near hoped that this wouldn't drive his friend to the edge.

Standing up, he walked towards the walkie talkie that lay on the ground, static loudly pouring from the small speaker.

Picking it up slowly, he pressed the button, and, nearing his mouth, slightly parting his lips, he quietly spoke. "... Good job…" He congratulated, knowing that, despite the conclusive realization that brought forth a great epiphany for Mello, his rationality was not something he should have placed forth.

He too, was at fault. He should have told Hal and Gevanni where to go directly, and, should have told Mello of Matt's intentions.

With the slightest movement, he turned his head, to watch Mello from the corner of his eye. But, finding it a bit too much, even for him, he turned away, to rid himself of his own guilt, because despite it all, he helped Mello realize what had to be done.

As black orbs watched Matt's body being gingerly picked from the ground, and placed onto a gurney, while Hal and Gevanni presented official identification, he ignored Mello's self blaming mantras, as the thin body rocked back and forth in slight jerks, blond hair hiding his torn face, as silent tears dropped onto the ground.

"It's all my fault…"


Author- Ohisashiburi, haha. I would spell that in hiragana, but you wouldn't be able to read it! Haha! It means "Long time no see" -- Basically.

Well, here's the new chapter! See, I told you I would post as soon as the break came!

Whats up with my life so far? School of course (as stated in my excuse bit). But I'm also a new fan to HOUSE M.D and SUPERNATURAL. The HOUSE part will help me loads with medicine in this story (since i've been watching it for months now)! Yay! So far, starting every day, after school, since I bought the first 3 seasons of SUPERNATURAL, I've been watching each episode NON-STOP haaaaaa.

I'm awaiting X-MAS CARDS (sings) I'm happy!

Anyways, remember the drill (that has NOT died down, lol). Review always ='s new chapter. Yeah, I know, cruel, but hey!

ALSO ALSO! Is ANYONE going to Ohayo Con '10?! I am I am! I hope we see each other!