There were noises and sights and lights all around me, but I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't make out up from down, wrong from right and real from fake. I knew my brothers, broken and bruised body lying completely still in front of me…that was real. The machine breathing for him, the tube down his nose feeding him was also real. But the reason he was here…the reason I was here, that had to be fake. There was no possible reason I should be feeling the way I was. Not at 17. No one should ever have to feel this pain, I was feeling. No one should ever go through what I am. I shouldn't be going through what I'm going through.
I saw a white blur walk in front of me and vaguely heard the blur say good morning to me. The couldn't be right. When I got to the hospital it was 2 in the afternoon. It stead of trying to responding to eh blur I looked back down at my hand sin my lap and saw a few drops of water hit my closed fists. If he could respond, my brother would tell me to chin up and find the bright side of this situation. What could possibly be bright about this?
Days were starting to blend into weeks. Friends of my family, of me…dozens of people came in and checked on me and my brother. They gave us their best wishes but then went on to their happy lives with their entire family. I didn't care about anyone else, except seeing my brothers body slip into the coma. The doctors couldn't tell me when he would wake up. They didn't even know if he would. Between them not ever telling me any good news and the visitors, and even my parents lawyer, I was wishing I could blend into the wall and just go invisible for a while. And I almost did.
If my eyes were deceiving me, the calendar in my brothers room above his bed said it was October first. I did the math in my head as I walked from the bathroom back to my little made up bed on an old noisy cot. I had been in here…my brother had been lying in his bed for three weeks. Just as I sat down and grabbed the remote for the TV I heard an unusual noise. It was a soft groan. I thought nothing of it. I'm in a hospital. But when I started to flip through the channels I saw in the corner of my eye the body on the bed to my right move. I snapped my head to it and felt tears pour out of eyes. I sat up slowly as I watched my brother, try and fail to pull the tube out of his mouth. I quickly hit the nurse's button by his bed and sobbed out seeing his brown eyes flutter open and closed. It was like I was seeing him for the first time. And as I felt doctors and nurses push past me and I sobbed out, I hated how much my brother looked like my dad.
I was put out in the waiting room while they helped my brother out. They said to give them a few hours to get him checked out, and maybe wake him up. I sat out in the quiet bright waiting room and squeezed onto my phone. I had already called three people I desperately needed to see, but when none of them answered I tried a few more people, who still didn't answer. So I cried to myself a little and then sent out texts. When I still didn't get any response I decided to eat something. I went down to the cafeteria and grabbed a tray of food but when I realized I had no money I started to put it back. The women behind the counter smiled kindly and sent me on my way with my food. I cried as I ate my bowl of soup and grilled cheese, and was actually surprised at how much food I ate. When I finished I went back to the waiting room, ignoring the confused and pitiful faces of the people I walked by. When I made it back to the waiting room, just as I sat down I heard the elevators ding open and glanced to
Walking towards me in a huge group were my best friends. And my boyfriend. Kendall and James were leading the rest and when he got close enough I threw myself into Kendall. He wrapped around me and I cried quietly on his chest. I felt his hands on my head and another one set on my back. I felt Kendall kiss my head and couldn't help the sob that left my throat.
"What's going on?" I squeezed my eyes shut hard and shook my head tugging on the back of Kendall's shirt. "Emma…talk to me." I opened my eyes, lying my head on his shoulder and looked at the very concerned face of Mandy, with Carlos and Logan behind her.
"My brother…he's awake." I saw the three of them breath out and I managed another smile. "I'm okay…just overwhelming." Kendall gently started to rock me and I felt normal-ish. "Thanks for coming. All of you. I appreciate it."
"That's why we're here." I looked right at Mandy who gave me a nice smile. "Every time we've come, you have either been asleep or, in the shower…it's nice to see you up." I smirked nodding and turned my head to look up at Kendall. When we locked eyes he smiled, but it faded. I don't think I could ever thank him for all he's done for me. He's been here every day, sitting with me, bringing me coffee, letting me just, lay on him and read. He definitely came into my life at the right time.
"So…how come you're out here?" I turned and let go of Kendall taking a seat breathing out. Kendall took my right side while James, who was still looking at me to answer him, took my left.
"They have to run some tests. Do some things with him. They didn't want me in there while they did it. They said a nurse would come out and get me though." James nodded and I looked out to see Carlos and Logan sitting next to each other on Kendall's side, while Mandy sat behind James, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Because he's been in this coma, his body has been able to rest. He's been able to heal up. I think it will cut the amount of time he has to spend in here." James nodded slowly and I sat back into Kendall closing my eyes. "I don't even know if he knows there gone." The entire waiting room went icy. Kind of like how I felt. I felt like I needed to either barf or sob.
"One thing at a time beautiful girl." I opened my eyes feeling James set a hand on my shoulder, squeezing softly. "DO you need anything? Something to eat maybe?" I laughed pushing off Kendall and shook my head seeing him frowning at me. Usually he was smiling at me. I didn't like seeing him like this.
"I just had a soup and a sandwich. I'm okay." He only looked to the ground, keeping his arm around me. "So…" I sat back keeping in contact with Kendall and looked to my friends. "What's new? What have I missed?" All five of them looked anywhere but at me and I laughed sitting back, looking straight ahead of me at the ICU doors. "Come on guys…you can tell me. I need to hear outside stuff." I turned over to Mandy who was resting her chin on her hand, which was still on James's shoulder. He looked a little upset but not at her. And then I remembered. They couldn't even stand to be in the same room. "Are you guys back together?" Mandy laughed separating from James, sitting back crossing one leg over the other. "Are you?" I bunched my eyebrows at her and she blushed looking away.
"No were not." I turned to James fast and felt sad again. He glanced back at her and they locked eyes but he turned back to me quick. "Not yet anyway." I smirked looking back over to Kendall who had his head in his free hand eyes closed bouncing his leg softly. I reached out gently and touched his face making him turn his head away from me. That stung. "Let's go grab some coffee guys." I didn't watch my friends leave but heard them, and waited until the elevators dinged shut. I put my hand on Kendall's neck and he looked back at me, smiling small.
"I'm worried about you." I chuckled leaning into him and let his long warm arms wrap around me and rub my back and arm. "You've dropped a lot of weight. And I know you have a lot going on, but you're scaring me." I closed my eyes and inhaled his beautiful cologne.
"I know. I'm scaring me too." He rubbed my arm a little more and kissed the top of my head. "Once Matt gets out and we go home…I'll get better. I promise. I'll need help but I'll get better. I know Matt will hate seeing me like this."
"He's not the only one." I turned my head and gently kissed onto the skin on his neck. "Ems…" I looked up fast and watched him stand nodding to the ICU doors. I stood up fast and recognized one of the nurses walking towards us. She had a big smile on her face. That was heartwarming.
"Hey Emma…Kendall." He waved softly at her as I wrapped around him looking as interested as possible. "Matt's doing really well. Like…very well. I don't know how to describe it but…that coma really helped him. He's complaining about the tubes and IV's but he doesn't have a choice in that. The doctors are just finishing up some tests but I wanted to talk with you." The nurse, Ashley grabbed my arm gently and sat us both down, Kendall still right beside me. "Your brother went through a lot. He has several broken bones, and his left lung collapsed. And on top of the pain…he remembers a lot from the car wreck. He went into details about seeing your parents." She stopped and scooted closer squeezing my hand. "He is going to need you, not that you haven't been here, but from what he saw of you a little while ago…he's worried about you." I frowned glancing back to Kendall who looked to the ground. "He asked us if you were in the crash too, and when I asked him why he thought that, he said because you looked ill. You looked hurt. So he asked me a favor." I turned back to Ashley and tensed up seeing her pull out a piece of paper. "He wants you to talk with someone. I have a really good therapist who helps with loss." I took the paper form her and noticed it was a business card. I gently shook my head and looked back up at her.
"I just want to see my brother." She smiled small and nodded standing. She turned quick cheeks flushed red. Kendall held me back a little while she led down the hall. I looked up at him and he shook his head.
"She just wants to help." I nodded handing him the card and braced myself to see my brother as we walked in his room.
I couldn't believe it. The guy has 7 broken ribs, a collapsed lung and his entire left leg broken. Yet, he was sitting up in bed groaning quietly. I rushed to him, but before I put my hand son him, I stopped and looked at all the bruises and cuts on him still. I frowned when he looked up and smiled big. "Hey baby sis." I gently wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into me being careful with his ribs. ""Good to see you too." I cried out trying my hardest not to scream at the top of my lungs. "Hey Kendall."
"How do you feel man?" I tried to lay my body on my brother but he was groaning again.
"Well considering my predicament, I feel okay. My breathing sucks and my entire body feels like it was set on fire." I pulled back fast running into I assumed, Kendall. He laughed lying back down and closed his eyes. He was crying. "I don't know…I hadn't realize how much you look like mom." I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, still crying. "I need a favor Kendall." I bit my bottom lip feeling Kendall right behind me, setting his hands on my hips. "Hey guys…" I turned fast and watched my friends walk in. James and Carlos went to the other side of Matt's bed while Logan and Mandy stayed at the foot of it. "Good timing. I'm going to need all your help with something." I scooted closer and he smiled up at me, very faintly. I wiped his face carefully and he seemed to lean into my hand. "I know she's going to fight this, but you can't listen to her." I stopped moving fast and stared down at my brother. "I need you to take her home. Get her well fed and somehow get her mind off all this. Just…take her home and take care of her. Even if you have to throw her over your shoulder James…or Kendall, just do it." I felt a hard breath leave me and felt the fingers on my hips tighten. I shoved them off quick and pushed Kendall back.
"Babe…" he reached out and I let him hold my face. "You need some rest."
"I have enough rest." I spit it out like poison and turned back to my brother. He was giving me the classic, I'm older, you have to listen to me, face. "I'm not going home Matt. Not without you. And don't try to make my friends and my boyfriend bully me into doing what you say."
"You look…"
"I don't care what I look like." I cut him off harshly and started to breath hard. "I can't go home. Knowing mom and dad…" I paused breathing in hard and wiped my face closing my eyes. "Knowing their gone…you are all I have left. I'm not going anywhere without you. So…so just get better and heal up so we can go home and we can try to forget about the pain. Okay?" I wiped my face again feeling my knees starting to buckle.
"Okay…okay Emma I'm sorry…come here." I was lifted gently on my brother's bed, and let him pull me into him, regardless of his pain. "I'm sorry. You don't have to leave. You just stay right here with me. I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you. You can just stay right here with me, forever, okay? I'm sorry…I'm so sorry Emma." I sobbed openly on his chest and felt my head get kissed by my brother. He was my very last family member. We had no Aunt's or Uncles. No cousins. No grandparents alive any more. He was my last line of blood and while he was the one in pain, and in the hospital bed, he was taking better care of me than I ever could to him.
