A rather important authors note.
I'm not sure what the future of this fanfic is right now. My grandma has been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour and my real life is really fucking hard right know. The direction of this story is definitely going to change; I knew what was going to happen throughout this before I even wrote it and there's almost no way I can carry on with that.
So, I have two options. 1) Bring some form of closure to the story from here and stop writing it. 2) Change the way it goes and keep writing. I want this to be the reader's choice, you guys are the reason I wrote this in the first place, I am to please you. If people want this to carry on then it can I just might be a bit all over the place for a while. So please, tell me what you want, leave a review even if it's just to tell me I should stop writing. Please.
Chapter 9 – I'm sorry it's this way.
Edward had barely left my side since Thursday; he seemed comfortable just being with me. Holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder. He was my rock.
When I woke up on Sunday I was shocked to see that he wasn't there. Not that I blamed him; if I was him I would have run a mile. Things had only gotten worse since I'd found out the funeral was today – the dreams had intensified, as had my screams, during the night. My dad had let Edward stay by my side, which I was happy about; it gave Charlie a break. I knew he had always loved Renee, and this was hurting him as much as it was hurting me.
I glanced at the clock – it was only a few hours since I actually managed to fall asleep, but I knew I had to get up. I noticed the red light flashing on my Blackberry telling me I had a text. I let a small smile grace my lips as I read it.
Hey you, sorry I'm not here. Had to dash home, will be back within the hour. E x
I felt a sense of relief flood over my body knowing he hadn't left me, despite the fact I felt guilty for even doubting him.
I started getting ready for the funeral without actually thinking about what the day would bring; not thinking until I needed to would definitely be the easiest way to survive the day.
I had managed to get myself into the church without a tear leaving my eyes. However, that was until I saw my mother's coffin. At the front of the church was mahogany coffin surrounded by flowers and placed on top of it was a picture of me and Renee. Suddenly I came to terms with everything as realization hit me. Today I was burying my mother...saying goodbye to her forever.
I cried my way through most of the ceremony, not really taking any of it in as I heard prayers echoing around the room and different people speaking about the memories they had shared with my mom. They said how much they would miss her, how sorry they were, and how much they loved her, but I knew no one would feel as sorry for all of this as I did. I might of well have been driving the truck that smashed into her car. If it wasn't for me, today wouldn't be necessary.
"Bella, are you ready?" he whispered into my ear squeezing my hand which had been in his this entire time. I nodded my head meekly; I was lying. I was nowhere near ready, but I was out of time.
This was it.
I walked up to the pulpit on unsteady legs. In all honesty, I was amazed I'd made it the whole way without collapsing. I could feel my whole body shaking as silent tears cascaded down my cheeks. For the first time today, I looked towards the group of people who had come out to honour my mother. I recognised people from Phoenix, friends, and family I hadn't seen for years. Phil was sat next to my father; his face stained with tears. It was my entire fault. I killed his wife. I felt my knees buckle underneath me and my sobs become louder.
I couldn't do this.
EPOV.
I watched as the colour drained from her face. She became unsteady, and before I could reach her she was on the floor being consumed by her tears. I rushed to her side pulling her into me, cradling her as she cried. I couldn't imagine what was going through her mind but I promised myself that I was going to try my best to understand to be what she needed, whatever that was.
"Hey" I whispered into her hair in an attempt to soothe her. "It's going to be okay". In all honesty, looking at her I knew my own words weren't convincing. Bella was a mess; she'd hardly eaten since she had got the news, and it was already having an effect. Her clothes were slowly becoming increasingly big for her. The lack of sleep she was also dealing with made her look constantly tired with the dark circles under her eyes becoming more prominent each day. She worried me. My best friend was wasting away in front of me and there was nothing I could do to save her.
She fumbled with the piece of paper in hands; I knew this must have meant everything to her and suddenly I knew what I had to do. "Bells, do you want me to read it?" she shook her head instantly as I asked the question. It was worth a shot.
"I need to do this. I have to do this. My mom deserves it."
I was grateful for the fact that no one had disturbed us. Instead, they waited patiently. They had faith in her. They knew she could do it. She pulled herself up with her legs, looking even less stable than before as I followed her. I placed my hand on her back and drew small circles on the slither of skin that had appeared in between her pants and shirt. Anything to let her know I was here for her, to show her she could do it. With a sharp intake of breath she started.
"Well it was good to hear your voice
I hope you're doing fine
And if you ever wonder
I'm lonely here tonight
I'm lost here in this moment
And time keeps slipping by
And if I could have just one wish
I'd have you by my side
I miss you
I need you
And I love you more
Than I did before
And then today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed
No one could take your place
It gets harder every day
Say you love me more than you did before
And I'm sorry it's this way
But I'm coming home
I'll be coming home
And if you ask me I will stay
I will stay
Well I try to live without you
But tears fall from my eyes
I'm alone and I feel empty
God, I'm torn apart inside
I look up at the stars
Hoping you're doing the same
And somehow I feel closer
And I can hear you say
I miss you
I need you
I love you more
Than I did before
And then today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed
No one could take your place
It gets harder every day
Say you love me more than you did before."
I was amazed that she had got this far with only minimal tears and a few choked back tears. She'd rehearsed this speech over and over and she knew it better than she knew the back of her hand. She took one last look at Renee's coffin to her left before finishing.
"I'm sorry it's this way. I love you mom."
With that, she crushed her head firmly into my chest and didn't hold back on her tears. I manoeuvred her back to our seats and she curled up on the pew, leaning into me crying on my shoulder. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer. Seeing her this way hurt more than anything else. She meant the world to me and I could do nothing to ease her pain.
"It's okay sweetheart, I'm here. Always here."
