I Only Wish
PoV: Irvine
Part 2 - Memories:
The Act Begins
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And because I couldn't bare it…I did nothing…
Even though I could see you both growing closer with every time we met,
I did nothing.
Even when you two came to me, embracing hands, each other, asking me to come with you.
I did nothing, but try and say no.
Though every time I refused, Aerith would give me one of those disappointed looks, and I just couldn't say no.
I just couldn't.
Even when your eyes told me you didn't want me and your words said you did…I came because she looked so sad…and that not only hurt me…but it hurt you even more.
It hurt when we were all together. More than I thought I could bare. But I still…I still did nothing to stop it.
My birthday came around not to long after that…and that…destroyed my last hopes of everything…
You had called the day before to see if you could come. Of course I said yes. I would have you to myself, finally. For one whole day, I could pretend everything was okay.
Just for one day, you would be mine.
I woke up early and happy that day. I hid in the bushes and scared my friends when they came. Cloud was even with them this year, clinging to Squall for dear life, he was so cute.
After the initial shock had passed, I could see relief in their eyes. Even Squall's eyes, which had been watching me carefully lately, looked a little relieved.
I was so hyper, we played a bunch of games, horsed around, and just had fun.
Though I never stopped watching the clock or listening for your car, not once.
Selphie gave me a hug, "I'm so happy you're back to yourself Irvi. I was getting worried about you."
Guilt trickled into me, "I'm sorry Sel..." I lowered my eyes, upset over how much I had worried her.
She waved her hand at me, dismissing my apology, "It doesn't matter Irvi. I'm just glad that you're happy again."
I smiled in turn. I was happy as well to feel so…myself again.
And then the knock came.
I turned right to the door and bolted for it, "Coming!"
I grabbed the handle, I opened the door…
And there you were…and there she was, at your side.
I'm not really sure what happened then, but something in me just turned off…
I just froze there and felt myself being drained of just…everything.
Or maybe it was just disappointment filling me.
Or maybe it was realization…
You were smiling when I opened the door, same with Aerith, but both of your faces fell when you saw mine.
"Irvine?" you said as you reached out to me.
I flinched back from you. I didn't want you to touch me. It'd hurt too much.
You looked to me confused and a little hurt. I covered my face with a hand and waved the other dismissively to you.
"Sorry…" I had said, "I…I don't feel too well…"
I turned and made my way to the bathroom, Selphie caught me in the hall right as I reached the door.
"Irvine? What happened? …Why are you crying?"
I hadn't even realized it until I had touched my face and felt the tears there. I shook my head, "It's nothing." Then I felt myself start to tremble, I was glad she was the only there to see me.
"Irvine?"
I looked up to find Squall coming down the hall. I tried my best to smile at him.
"Hey Squall. What's up?"
He just stopped in front of me and just stared at me. His eyes bore right into me. It felt like they were just looking right into my soul and he was reading me as easily as a book.
I looked away, ashamed. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me toward the bathroom, only pausing to look to Selphie, "I got it from here Selphie. Get Zack and his girlfriend a drink."
I felt my body go rigid, he looked to me.
"Girlfriend?"
"You didn't know?"
I only shook my head at him, looking away. Oh I wanted to be so far away at that moment…
Squall looked to Selphie and that seemed to be all it took. She nodded and left us, but not without pausing halfway down the hall to look to me worriedly.
Squall took my arm more firmly and brought me into the bathroom, shutting the door behind us.
I moved away from him then, to lean heavily over the sank.
I could feel him watching me, but I couldn't stop my mind from reeling.
His girlfriend? When had that happened? Why hadn't they said anything? Why didn't anyone tell me?
"How long?" I said, still looking into the sink.
Squall was quiet for a moment, probably taken aback from my question. At first I wasn't sure if he knew what I was asking but he must have, since he answered me a moment later.
"A little over a week." he paused and went on to add, "I found out from Cloud… I doubt the others knew about it, since you're the one who's close to them, besides Cloud."
I was quiet for a while, but lucky for the kind of guy Squall is, silence didn't bother him. I think he might actually have preferred it over most things.
Myself, I couldn't seem to form a straight thought.
He's dating her?
He told Cloud, but not me…what does that mean?
Aren't we friends? …What are we?
I had just seen them about a week ago…why didn't they say anything then? Why didn't they tell me? It was the least they could have done after dragging me along to watch them flirt with each other all the time--
I realized then, that I had been a little blindsided- but, I had done it to myself.
No, they hadn't told me with words…but their interactions with each other…that in itself had spoken volumes. I guess I had just tuned out from it…
Even today, them showing up hand-in-hand to my party…wasn't that just screaming out the obvious?
Even so…where does that leave me now?
I don't even know what to do anymore.
I …wasn't even sure why he'd had come in the first place…is he just trying to hurt me?
I struck the sink and closed my eyes against the pain. Not the pain from my hand, there was no pain there, but in my chest…it was unbearable there…
I felt the tears start falling and I didn't bother to hide it.
I didn't want Squall to see me like this but…I just couldn't take it anymore.
I cant explain it….I had finally reached the end of my rope, and I was just too tired to hold on…
My whole body was trembling from the force I was using to hold back the sobs threatening to escape my throat. I was gripping the sink so hard, my knuckles must have turned white.
Then a hand touched my shoulder.
I jumped and looked to my side to find Squall. I quickly looked away. I wished he'd just go. I was so ashamed of myself.
Then he grabbed me roughly and next thing I knew I was against him and he was embracing me.
"You can cry…I wont make fun of you after."
I couldn't stop myself. I was completely caught off guard by Squall and the comfort he was showing me. I embraced him and allowed myself cry out all the useless stupid painful feelings that I had been locking away for far too long.
Squall only stood there quietly holding me and rubbing soothing circles in my back.
After a short time I was able to get a hold of myself and pull away from him. He watched me with cautious eyes. I rubbed the tears from my eyes and smiled at him reassuringly.
"I'm alright…thanks." I said, a little flushed from my embarrassment.
He only shrugged, looking away for a moment. Then turning back at me he asked, "Are you going to be able to go back out there?"
Before I was able to answer I recall hearing the hoots and hollers from Seifer and Ruijin, and the displeased yells from the girls and Zell.
We both looked to the sound, I couldn't help but smile, the whole gang was here. Between the them and the disturbed look coloring Squall's face, it was too much.
"I think I'll be fine. If anyone can put up a good act, I sure can." I said with a cocky smile as I moved passed him and grabbed the door handle.
I turned and gave Squall one last wave and left. Though I had trouble doing so, since he had that look in his eyes like he wanted to say something but I wasn't to sure I wanted to hear it.
I had my composure back, and I didn't want to lose it again.
By the time I had made it back into the living room, I had my mind made up.
I took a breath, closed my eyes, and reopened them a moment later. I scanned the room for you then. It didn't take me long to find you. You were standing by the punch bowl with Aerith by your side, talking to Cloud. Who was looking rather annoyed, now that I think about it.
I moved from my spot straight to you. I stopped about two feet away from you. Hoping to be close enough to get your attention, and far enough away to keep you from touching me.
You noticed me a moment before I stopped. You blinked at me, seemingly confused by the determined look on my face. But then you smiled, because I had smiled.
"It was about time you showed up. You're late." I stated, crossing my arms across my chest, looking away disgusted for a moment before looking back at you sidewise with a devious smirk.
You only smirk back in turn before playing along with a playful pout, "I'm sorry is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
"Nope." Then I paused for a moment, "Well…maybe if you got me a really cool gift."
You laughed.
And so my act began. And so it would be for a long, long time.
Well now Im caught back up with myself. Dear dear what will happen now.
Thank you for reading ^^
