A/N: It wasn't a five month wait for an update... Progress~
This chapter mentions self harm towards the end. To be fair though... This fic isn't exactly sunshine and rainbows, so if you are easily triggered by feelings of self doubt then this might not be the best fic for you to be reading!
"I-" Lexa ducked her head, but not before Clarke saw the blush that was creeping across her cheeks. "Thank you."
"Any time. You weren't my first though." Clarke said. The other girl furrowed her brows as she looked up again, and Clarke nodded towards the pages of her sketchbook.
Lexa flipped the book to the first page and Clarke watched her reaction. She smiled when Lexa's green eyes widened at the drawing of Lincoln. "Your drawings really are incredible, Clarke."
Clarke felt her stomach flutter at the girl's praise. She quickly took a sip of the coffee to try and hide the smile on her face. "Well the new sketchbook helped, it also helped having such beautiful subjects."
"Are you calling Lincoln beautiful?"
Taking another gulp of the coffee in her hand, Clarke let the flavour roll over her tongue for a moment before dropping the cup onto the table next to her bed. "Lexa, he brought me art supplies, the boy has a beautiful soul."
"You are too." Lexa rushed out. "Beautiful I mean." Lexa took a visible breath, her shoulders rising and falling as she looked anywhere but at Clarke. "You're beautiful too."
A smirk pulled at Clarke's lips. "I was not beautiful after not showering for two days, Lexa."
"I said you were beautiful Clarke, not that your smelt nice." Lexa retorted quickly. Clarke couldn't help laughing. "Have you thought about drawing your dreams?"
Abruptly Clarke's laughter stopped. She hoped the other girl hadn't spotted the panic she knew must have been in her eyes.
"I-" there was suddenly a lump in her throat, and Clarke tried to swallow it down. "On the back page."
Clarke didn't look up when she heard Lexa turning the pages. She didn't look up when she heard the small gasp fall from Lexa's lips either.
The details of the picture were still fresh in Clarke's mind. It was a violent abstract mixture of the dreams she had been having. In the centre was a torrent of water, spiralling upwards from the calm sea into the stormy clouds above it. Shark teeth swirled throughout the twisting water, and amongst them was the single bullet that had killed Wells and the watch that had been on her fathers wrist until the day he died. They were details that would undoubtedly slip past Lexa, but Clarke knew the two empty surf boards floating precariously close to the twisting mess of water wouldn't escape her attention.
"Clarke..."
"Raven wants to watch you two flirt." Anya suddenly called from the doorway. With the speed Lexa twisted around, Clarke was worried she might fall out of the seat completely. There was a strange tension in the room that Clarke couldn't quite describe. "Shit. I just interrupted something not flirty didn't I?"
"No," Clarke quickly denied, willing her hands to relax their grip on the bedsheets. "Not at all, let me grab my crutches and we'll be over."
Anya didn't look convinced, and she hesitated in the doorway until Clarke saw Lexa nod her head. It wasn't until Anya disappeared back into the corridor that Lexa slowly turned back to her with worried green eyes. "We don't have to go over there, Clarke."
"I know, I just-" Clarke cut herself off, unsure of how to explain the overwhelming feeling inside her chest.
"I want to help, Clarke, but it's okay if it's too much at once." Lexa said, her voice calm. Clarke could feel her hands loosening their hold on the sheets.
"Why? Why do you want to help me? I'm a-" Clarke had to look away from the brunette before she could continue. "I'm a mess Lexa, I was a mess before this happened and now..." Clarke paused, her fingers nervously pulling at the sleeves on her hoodie. "Now I don't even know what I am."
Lexa's hand moved to grip her own, pulling it away from her sleeve. The brunette's fingers curled between her own. "You're Clarke Griffin, the brave girl who put her own life at risk to save her friend. Why wouldn't I want to help you?"
"That's not an answer, Lexa." Clarke replied, squeezing Lexa's hand.
"Tell me what the bullet and watch mean and I'll tell you the real reason." Lexa said nonchalantly. Clarke felt her mouth drop open slightly in shock. Her thoughts suddenly halted, because Lexa noticed them, in amongst the swirls of teeth she noticed there was something different. Clarke wasn't sure if she was ready to process that information on top of everything else yet. "Shall we go."
Numbly, Clarke nodded her head, frowning at the loss of Lexa's hand when the girl stood up.
Her wheel chair was still sitting in the corner of the room, and Clarke longed to just ask Lexa to wheel it over so she can collapse in it and let the other girl push her over to Raven's room. Her crutches were against her bed for a reason though. Clarke let out a defeated sigh. Her physio nurse had left them there for her start using for short distances.
"Help me up?" Clarke asked. It wasn't just that standing up on her own was still a struggle, a selfish part of her wanted to feel the warmth of Lexa's hands again.
What Clarke was not expecting, was for Lexa to lean down and hook her arm under hers and across her back. Having learnt how keenly observant Lexa apparently was, Clarke hoped she had a lapse in concentration when she wrapped her arm around her, because Clarke very audibly gasped at the contact. As the brunette helped her to her unsteady feet, Clarke could feel her heart pounding in her chest.
The faint smell of mint invaded Clarke's senses. She couldn't help taking in a long inhale at the calming scent.
"Are you going to take the crutch, Clarke?" Lexa asked, looking slightly perplexed at the blonde's inactivity. Clarke felt her face flush at being so caught up in the feel and smell of Lexa.
Lexa hovered close to her the whole way across the hall. It reminded Clarke of the first time they met in the hospital. A part of her considered tripping, if only to feel the safety of the brunettes arm wrapping around her again.
"Hey Griff." Raven smiled from the bed, her back propped up against pillows again. Clarke wasn't sure if Anya had told the girl about what she had walked in on, but she knew her face would have given her away anyway. "You good?"
"Yeah, fine, legs sore that's all." Clarke tried to reassure her. Lowering her body onto the chair next to Raven's bed, she smiled at Lexa as she took her crutches from her.
Raven didn't look convinced, but she didn't push the subject either. Instead she brings up something wholly more embarrassing. "So, have you smelt Clarke yet Lexa?"
One of the crutches in Lexa's hands fell to the floor. Clarke was sure she heard her let out a squeak as Anya started laughing. "Anya!"
"What? I couldn't keep that to myself!" Anya said.
Lexa glared at her adoptive sister. "Shall I tell Raven why you broke up with your boyfriend."
A look of horror passed across Anya's face, and Clarke marvelled at the pairs dynamic. "No, entirely unnecessary."
Raven raised her hand, wincing slightly at the movement. "Entirely necessary, Lexa, as your future friend in law," this time it was Clarke's face that flushed. She wasn't sure why she expected anything other than embarrassment when she agreed to go to Raven's room with Lexa. "Tell me everything."
Clarke's not sure if Lexa was about to cave or not, but the buzzing of Clarke's phone interrupted them all. Quickly, she pulled it out her pocket, smiling at the picture of Octavia staring back at her. "It's Octavia."
"Hey, you okay?" Clarke asked.
"I just had sex with Lincoln." Clarke choked on absolutely nothing, and she didn't miss the worry in Lexa's eyes.
"What the fuck Octavia? You met like two days ago!"
"What did she do? Did she do the nasty already?" Raven practically cackled whilst Anya and Lexa just looked on with equally disbelieving expressions on their faces.
"Was it too soon? Oh God, what if I've messed everything up? He was just so hot, and he's like the sweetest person I've ever met." Octavia started to ramble. Clarke couldn't help feeling happy for how smitten her friend clearly was.
"I thought you were just going for coffee?" Clarke asked, her voice straining as she tried to stop herself from laughing down the phone.
"Yeah, well we did, then things sort of escalated." Octavia coughed awkwardly, "Quickly." Clarke wondered just how fast things escalated inside the coffee shop.
"Right, I'm here with Anya and Lexa, do you want me to ask them for advice?" Clarke said and both Lexa and Anya shook their heads vehemently.
"Oh God, no, don't you dare, I'm hanging up, then I'm going to live in a cave for the rest of my life." Then, as if she thought Anya and Lexa could hear her through the phone, Octavia dropped her voice to a whisper. "Call me once they're gone and I'll tell you all the details."
Clarke quickly said her goodbyes, suddenly hyper aware that everyone in the room had stopped talking for her.
"So, Octavia and Lincoln have officially hooked up." Raven said as soon as the phone was away from Clarke's ear. "And Lexa and Clarke are one double bed away from hooking up."
If her leg wasn't so exhausted from her earlier physio, Clarke would have stood up to hit the other girl. "Raven!"
"Looks like it's fate we get together honey." Raven winked at Anya. Clarke rolled her eyes.
"I'm still heartbroken over my breakup. Roan was very special to me." Anya said, completely devoid of emotion.
"And you're still heterosexual." Clarke said, glaring at Raven, but the other girl just waved her hands at her.
"Semantics, Clarke."
"I can't believe Lincoln slept with someone on the first date." Lexa muttered so quietly that Clarke wasn't sure she meant to say it out loud.
Anya's hand clampsed down on Lexa's shoulder, shaking the girl out of her trance like state. "It's okay Commander, once Clarke's out you can sleep with her on your first date."
Lexa's face practically glowed at the intensity of the blush across her cheeks.
There was an odd easiness between the four of them, and as Anya continued to tease her adoptive sister, Clarke couldn't help wondering if they were destined to meet in one way or another. Anya seemed to be doing Raven some good, and Clarke wasn't sure if her friend was serious about her crush on the other girl, but if Anya made Raven happy, Clarke would be nothing but encouraging. She smiled. Maybe it would distract some of Raven's attention away from Clarke's mother at least.
Then there was Lexa. Clarke stole a quick glance at the girl as she pouted at something Anya was saying to her.
"I want to help Clarke"
Clarke couldn't help feeling nervous. Lexa seemed to have been through loss and come out the other end alive. Meanwhile, Clarke was still drowning under the weight of her own losses from years earlier. She couldn't help feeling nervous that maybe it was too late for help.
After three more days of physio, Clarke was about ready to punch the nurse in the face. She knew it was just the woman's job, but Clarke wished she would stop being so chipper every time she successfully completed an exercise because it still hurt like hell after every repetition.
Despite her reluctance at the start of every session, Clarke knew it was helping. In just three days she was already moving freely between hers and Raven's room without any help. Not that it stopped Clarke from asking Lexa to assist her standing up every time she came to visit.
The brunette was slowly becoming a constant in her life. Every morning before her shift, Lexa would drop into the hospital to deliver Clarke coffee. They touched on her dreams every morning, with Lexa refusing to hand over her coffee until she told her if she had dreamt about what happened again. Lexa never pushed her further than that, and Clarke knew the brunette was waiting for her to open up about them in her own time.
"Do you know why the doctor wants to see me?" Clarke asked her mom nervously.
"No, Dante called me this morning and asked if I could come in. Hopefully, it's some good news." A smile pulled across her mother's face. "You could use some."
They hadn't spoken about their argument, but Clarke wasn't surprised. They never did. To her relief her mom had avoided the subject of her dad altogether, but with every passing day she spent with Lexa, a part of Clarke was starting to wish that maybe her mom would bring it up.
"Abby, Clarke, it's good to see you both again." Dr Wallace smiled at them both as he entered the room. "And you Clarke are looking a lot better. Far more colour to you than when you came in."
"You wanted to see us?" Clarke pushed him straight towards the subject of why they were both there. Her heart had been fluttering all morning trying to figure out why he wanted to see her.
"I see she shares your patience, Abby." The doctor smiled wistfully. "Are you going to college Clarke?"
"Yeah. Arkdale." Her response was hesitant. She wasn't sure why her going to college had any relevance to her leg.
"Well, I have some great news for you. If you continue with your current progress we can discharge you next week. Just in time for college."
Clarke knew she should be feeling happy. Elated even. She was getting out after all. Instead, she just felt the dread and panic starting to swirl in the pit of her stomach. It was too soon, she couldn't possibly be ready to leave.
"You'll need a brace, just a temporary one to help support your leg for a while..." Dr Wallace continued, and Clarke watched her mum as she nodded along with every word he said. Clarke couldn't hear them though, not over the sound of her blood pounding around her body.
"Clarke?" Her mom prompted, her hand squeezing her own. The doctor had finished talking without Clarke realising, and the smile on her mom's face started to fall as she took in her daughters distraught expression. "What's wrong?"
"What about Raven?" Clarke asked, her voice cracking. She willed the tears that were threatening to fall to stop.
"I- I'm sorry, Clarke. I can't talk about her case with you." Dante apologies. Patient confidentiality. Clarke knew it wasn't his fault, but she couldn't help the irrational bout of anger she felt towards him.
"When is Raven getting out?" Clarke continued to push. Raven wasn't even out of bed yet, there was no way she would be getting out at the same time.
"I'm Raven's legal guardian," her mother's voice didn't waver, her eyes set steady on Dr Wallace. "How long?"
"Another couple of weeks." He looked at Clarke regretfully. "At least"
It meant Raven would miss the start of college. Clarke felt her heart breaking. After everything Raven had been through, her only dreams had been making it out of their town alive. College had been so far out of Raven's reach. It had been Clarke's mom that pulled out all the stops to make sure Raven had a place and now-
Clarke took in a shuddery breath, willing her heart to stop pounding so hard in her chest.
"Raven's next on my list. I'm sorry, Clarke." Dante apologised. "Abby?" He nodded towards the door, and Clarke needed her mum to stay, she needed her, but she knew Raven was about to need her more.
"I'll be over in a moment." Her mom informed him before looking down at Clarke worriedly. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine mom." Clarke lied. She wasn't even close to being fine, and her hands were starting to clam up as her anxiety kept growing.
"Raven will be okay, I'll speak to the college, they'll be fine with her joining them a couple of weeks late." Her mom tried to reassure her. Clarke did her best to smile back convincingly, but she knew her eyes gave her away.
"I'll be back soon okay? Just-" her mom pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead, "I'll be back."
Clarke could feel her lip quivering as she watched her mom leave. Bringing her hands to her face, she willed the tears not to fall. She couldn't break. Raven wass going to need her.
Her thoughts were starting to overwhelm her. Raven was going to need her, but she was going to be released. She wasn't going to be able to help. The sting in Clarke's eyes started to get worse. She was struggling to breathe against the weight on her chest.
Would Raven resent her? The thought alone made Clarke want to crumple in on herself because what if Raven didn't want to see her when she was released? What if it was going to be too much for her friend to see her getting better whilst she was still lying in a hospital bed?
What if Clarke got released and she found herself alone?
Desperately, Clarke tried to inhale. The best way she could help Raven was if she stayed. The only way she could stay was if she stopped making progress. The best way to stop making progress would be to go back a few steps.
Clarke looked down at her leg and a thought of what she could do to hinder her progress struck her. Reaching down, she pulled off the gauze that was still covering her stitches.
Biting into her lip, Clarke positioned her leg against the railing. She braced her hands against the bed and prepared herself for the pain she was undoubtedly about to feel.
Before she could think her way out of it, or even fully comprehend the repercussions of what she was about to do, Clarke pushed her leg with everything has into the rail and dragged it down. Instantly, her mouth filled with the taste of copper as she bit right through her lip. The pain was unbearable, and Clarke was sure she could feel the stitches popping open with every fraction of a millimetre her leg moved.
Another stitch popped, and Clarke's body fell onto the bed completely boneless. The agony of her leg too much to bear.
There was an unfamiliar warmth spreading around her leg. She knew it was from the blood now spilling from her reopened wound. Clarke was going to be sick, and she desperately tried to blink away the blackness that was starting to cloud her vision.
She going was into shock, Clarke knew the symptoms well enough. Reaching out, she grabbed the call button with her trembling hand and quickly hit the button.
The sound of pounding feet was the last last thing she heard before drifting into unconsciousness.
"Well that was stupid."
Clarke opened her eyes and groaned at the sight of the bright blue sky. She was dreaming. Again.
Waves were lapping at her hands as she lay flat on her surfboard.
"Like, a whole new level of stupid." Raven was angry, and Clarke moved her head to look at her friend.
"I wanted to help you." She tried to explain, but Raven was already shaking her head.
"No. You didn't." Out the corner of her eye, Clarke could already see the sky turning darker. "The beach is right there, Clarke. Yet you're still out here."
"I did this for you." Clarke's voice cracked. She desperately wanted Raven to understand. She did it to stay with her, she didn't want to abandon her friend. She didn't want her friend to abandon her.
"You did this for yourself. You don't want to face what's happened, any of it, you would rather hide out here on the ocean letting yourself-"
There were tears falling down Clarke's cheeks, and Clarke just wanted Raven to stop. That wasn't the truth. It couldn't be. "Raven stop." She begged.
"-get punished for things that aren't your fault. So don't act like this was for me, Clarke. This is just you punishing yourself." Raven continued to rant, her eyes blazing. iClarke couldn't remember ever seeing the brunette look so angry with her before.
She had to say something, anything to defend herself. "Please, Raven."
"Oh look, it's back."
The surfboard disappeared from underneath Clarke before she could fully comprehend what Raven had said. Desperately, Clarke pulled at the water that was suddenly surrounding her, frantically trying to swim back to the surface.
Clarke woke slowly. Her head was pounding. She wasn't sure how long she slept, but her whole body still felt completely drained.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?" Her mom's voice made Clarke jerk awake fully. She winced as the movement jostled her leg.
"Mom?" Blinking her eyes open, Clarke creased her brow. Her mom looked angry, and Clarke couldn't figure out why.
"You lost over a pint of blood, Clarke. You could have died, and for what? A few extra days in hospital?"
It all started to come back. Clarke remembered how completely helpless she felt when Dr Wallace told her Raven wouldn't be released for weeks. She remembered tearing the bandage off her leg. She remembered everything Raven said to her in her dream.
Her head started to throb at her racing thoughts.
"I, I didn't-" Clarke tried to explain herself, but just like when Raven confronted her in her dream, she found herself stumbling over her own words.
"Because that's the only explanation I can think of, that you want to be here." Her mom stood up and looked down at her accusingly.
"No, mum, no it's not like that."
"Then what is it like?"
"I-" Clarke's mouth hung open as words failed her once more. "I don't, I-"
"I'm going to see, Raven. All she knows is your stitches came undone." Her mom wouldn't drop this, Clarke knew she would be back. What Clarke had done had pushed her too far for her not to bring it back up. "She was worried about you."
Her mother left without saying any thing else, and Clarke pushed her head back into the pillow. This time she didn't fight the tears. An ugly sob erupted from her chest. Everything was crashing around her. She hated everything. She hated that life kept hurting her so much, that it kept hurting the people she loved so much.
It wasn't not fair.
Clarke covered her mouth as another sob threatened to escape. It was too much, and Clarke wished the world would just stop and let her catch up. She was tired of running.
A/N: That took a bit of a dark twist didn't it?
For those of you that follow me on tumblr, you might have seen what happened to me on the night of April 10th. I would like you all to know that my toe and my general well being are okay. Since the incident I have manage to both drink and make a cup of tea again. I was thinking of opening a donation page to help me purchase a new kettle, but one has already been purchased for me. Thank you for your support during this distressing time, I am also now back to wearing shoes and not slippers to work #classy
