Chapter 9

I was floating, surrounded by warm, crystal blue water. Water was all there was, no land for as far as my eyes could see. I'd never felt so at peace, just floating, floating, floating along. Not a care in the world. The sky above me was a delicate baby blue, no clouds to disrupt the constant colour. I began to sink into the water, so I reflexively kicked my legs and pushed the water below me with my hands. It wasn't working, I kicked harder… still I continued to sink. My movements became frantic as I became submerged in the water. The oxygen caught in my lungs was all I had, and I was sinking deeper. On and on I continued to sink until my head began to feel fuzzy. I could feel myself getting weaker, the pressure of the water above me grew, I gave into the darkness.

I woke, gasping for breath, my lungs felt like lead weights. I didn't know where I was, my head felt so fuzzy, full of clouds. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness the shapes of my room, my own furniture, my bed became apparent. The clouds in my mind began to dissipate, taking away the confusion with them. I could think clearly again.

I turned my head in the pillow to find Edward reading an old battered copy of one of my books, I didn't care to find out which one. He also turned his head to greet me with a smile, "You didn't sleep for long" he stated.

"What time is it?" I questioned, my voice rough from sleep.

Without even bothering to look at the clock he answered "12:36am".

I had been asleep for a whole 2 hours… great. I didn't feel tired anymore, I didn't want to go back to sleep. I pulled myself up to sit against the headboard and rested myself on Edward's side, placing my head on his shoulder. I read the page he was on and found him to be reading Romeo and Juliet, not the first time I'd caught him reading this particular working of Shakespeare, I think he's developed a soft spot for the unrequited lovers.

"Good book?" I asked to break the silence.

"Good book" he replied, reiterating my words.

I turned to bury my face into his shoulder, breathing in his scent. He smelled just like he always did, of Edward, of home. He kissed the top of my head delicately, as always. I felt incredibly comfortable with him, like this. In this moment I didn't understand my worries over our relationship, things seemed just… right. But I would soon forget this feeling and the worries would come flooding back. I decided to just enjoy the moment while it lasted.

The beginning of the night, wide awake with nothing to do. I sighed, staring blankly at the wall across from me. I thought of being back at home, I thought of going to school again on Monday, I thought about the friends I hadn't seen in a while. I had taken enough time out of life, it was time to get back to normality. I thought about how much school work I'd have to catch up on, I'd missed almost 2 weeks, I didn't relish the thought of spending the next 2 weeks submerged in education. But I knew Edward would help me, he loathed the thought of me dropping behind because of him.

I jumped out of bed and swiftly begin to undress out of my pyjamas and into my regular clothes. From the bed Edward gave me a puzzled look. "Going somewhere?" he teased.

"Your place actually" I said in a cocky tone, "I want to see your sister. We do love each other you know, and I've missed her terribly these past few days. Do you really begrudge me some girl time with Alice?" I teased, knowing he wouldn't protest.

"Of course not" he joined in. "It's still quite warm outside, do you think we can run? Or would you prefer I go get my car?"

Hmmm. Straddling Edwards back, feeling the wind rush past me as he runs at the speed of light? Or comfortably sat in Edward's car while he drives at the speed of light? I was feeling adventurous "I'll go with running". It had been a while since I'd ran with Edward, well, held onto his back for dear life as he forces himself through the air with ease. Of course I couldn't actually run with him, now that was a thought I did relish, being as fast as him.

Before I knew it the journey was over all too quickly and I found myself stood in front of the Cullen's doorway. Edward in his chivalrous manner held the door open for me, I took one step into the beautiful house before I was trapped in Alice's arms. I returned the hug with equal excitement, which wasn't very equal if you take into account her vampire strength. A quick smile was all I could give Edward before I was dragged away by the hand, upstairs to Alice's room.

She bounced onto the bed very gracefully, I flopped in comparison. I sat with my legs crossed and my hands in my lap whilst Alice, ever the perfectionist, re-puffed her pillows. She faced me with an impish grin, her dark - almost black – eyes were practically sparkling with excitement. Her mood was always so light, I tried to remember the last time I saw Alice sad, or in any mood that was less than happy. My thoughts took me back to a few days ago, the day me and Edward left, probably the most miserable I have ever seen her. The memory was stopping me from enjoying the happiness Alice now brought me, so I brought my attention back to the current Alice. The happy, giddy girl sat cross-legged across from me waiting for me to say something.

"Missed me?" I asked the answer evident on her face.

"Of course I did silly! But I knew you'd be back soon." she winked, "So how was the hotel? I hope my brother took you somewhere nice, not some cheap shabby place with scratchy blankets." She had a gentle but stern look on her face.

I wasn't going to lie to her "It was… okay. I wasn't planning on staying very long anyways" I joked.

"What am I going to do with him?" she teased. The smile remained on her face but her eyes lost their sparkle a little as she asked "Are you okay Bella? ... I mean…with what happened…with James. Edward is looking after you right?"

I just knew she'd bring this up, regardless of if I wanted to talk about it or not. I didn't want to explore this topic again, but I didn't want to ignore her, walk away and hurt her feelings. After all, she was only concerned for me.

"Im fine Alice. Really… im okay." I said to try and put her worries to rest…. It didn't work.

"Come on Bella, bring those walls down, this is me your talking too." She was serious now.

"I don't put up walls with you Alice, you can see my future! I think my minds open to you enough. "I laughed awkwardly, reflecting the situation.

"Bella… don't avoid confiding in me just because Edward can read my mind. I'll just keep my mind full of useless facts to cloud what im really thinking." She winked to comfort me.

"I just don't want to talk about it" I admitted, hopefully she would understand and not take offence like her brother would.

She was still having none of it. "You need to talk about it sometime Bella. If you bottle it all up, then one day you'll just explode, and I don't fancy cleaning your brains off of the wall." We giggled simultaneously, her light hearted approach was working, I was beginning to come around.

We were silent for a moment before I finally found the courage to tell her "I just don't like how this whole thing has affected mine and Edward's relationship…" There, it was out there. Now she would ask questions, and I didn't know if I would answer truthfully, knowing Edward would be able to read her mind and hear the whole conversation.

Concern was etched onto her face, "In what way?"

"I don't know, it's just… I think…" I sighed "Edward blames himself. That's what's affecting us." I admitted.

"Has he told you this?"

"Yes! We can't have an argument without him bringing the blame onto himself. At first I felt bad, there was nothing he could do but he still thinks its his fault. I snook away, it was my fault and I told him that but he still blames himself." I couldn't stop, the words were coming like vomit. "Now I feel he's just blaming himself because he's so self-deprecating and he doesn't know how to stop! But if he doesn't stop… I don't know how much longer I can take it."

Alice was taken aback by my onslaught of truths about her brother. Edward heard that, I knew, but part of me was glad. I didn't have the guts to say this to his face, but he needed to know how I felt. I wasn't too harsh, I didn't reveal the true level of my worries, I was glad that he knew now.

"Have you told him about this?" I shook my head no so I didn't have to say it.

She was silent for a moment, her expression was blank, in a world of her own. Probably seeing what Edward was going to do. She cleared her throat before she spoke again, "You don't believe that do you Bella? About it being your fault?" she looked me in the eyes, I couldn't lie to her, but I couldn't endure a lecture on self-esteem. It was my fault an I knew that, of course she would tell me otherwise because that would be the kind thing to do, but I didn't want to hear it. I remained silent, her question hanging unanswered in the air between us.

"Bella you can't blame yourself for that…." She didn't let up on her gaze, penetrating my mind. I looked away, I couldn't take her pity any longer. She turned my head gently, with her hand on my cheek, back to face her. "Bella listen to me. That wasn't your fault, it wasn't anybody's fault but James' okay? Do not blame yourself." Her expression was deadly serious, I had never seen her like this before. " . ." she repeated slowly and clearly, I have to admit I was little scared of her right then.

"That doesn't help me with Edward." I said trying to change the subject. She sighed in defeat, she knew I wasn't going to listen.

"What am I going to do with you Bella?" she asked shaking her head.

"Hug me?" I asked, trying to lighten the atmosphere. She smiled gently, it worked. She captured me in another vice tight hug. Heavy talk avoided for another day, but now I had to have a different heavy talk when I faced Edward. My stomach knotted, I felt sick.


A/N - Sorry I don't update very often, overwhelmed with sixth form, i'll try update weekly or every 2 weeks because updating whenever is too messy and is just bugging me.

Hope you like the new chapter :)