[A/N:] I'm posting tonight with reckless abandon!
As always, thank to Jeaniebird for betaing this.
Chapter 9: Broken but Still Standing
What? Huh?
I don't recognize the room I just woke up in. Can't sense any immediate danger, but my heart still races and I jump up. Look around, still nothing. Only recent scent besides my own is Logan's. His dog tags are next to the pillow.
Still don't let down my guard. Something real bad could happen any moment. My eyes flit between the window and the door. I take slow, silent steps toward the exit. I hear footsteps and freeze.
I recognize the chatter of teenagers and relax. Still in the mansion. I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and look at myself in the vanity mirror.
Hair's matted. Dammit. My brush is in my room.
I need a shower.
I grab Logan's dogtags and crack open the door before venturing out into the hallway. Not many people seem to be up yet, other than those teens.
Naturally, I'd be drawn to the light-hearted joking from the other room, but I'd probably kill the mood. I sigh and go upstairs to find my room.
It's even quieter upstairs.
There're strange sounds coming from my room. Slowly, cautiously, I open the door.
"Logan?"
He's sweeping up broken glass. My room looks a mess What was I doing last night?
"Mornin'." He says.
I help him, scooping up a handful of broken glass and dumping it in the trash, "You don't have to do this."
"I know," he says.
"Why?" I ask.
He shrugs and continues cleaning. I reach in my pocket and hand him his dog tags.
"Thanks," he says, putting them on.
From then on, we clean together in silence. The tension's thick as homemade mashed potatoes. When the job is done, he leaves. I sit on my bed, suddenly filling with crushing guilt.
Why didn't I talk to him?
~ooOoo~
After much pacing and trying to sort things out on my own, I come crawling back to Xavier. I really need to just get my shit together.
"Good afternoon," he says.
"Hey."
"What brings you here today? Ready for another session?"
"No- uh… maybe," I say. "It's just, why do I find it so damn difficult to talk to my own brother?"
"Maybe you should answer that for yourself."
Aw, come on. Not this shit again.
I try to restrain myself. It doesn't go well.
"But I came here looking for answers!"
"And I will help you find them, try to be patient."
Well, patience is distinctly not my middle name.
Still, I need him to help me.
"Fine," I give up and let him have another chance.
"Good," he smiles. "Now, why do you think it's hard for you to talk to Logan?"
"Well, it's just so awkward," I reply.
"And why do you think that?" He asks.
"I don't know."
"There has to be a reason. Perhaps not a good one, but a reason nonetheless."
"That is the reason, I think. I don't know how to talk to him anymore," I hang my head, embarrassed.
"Why do you say that?"
"He ain't the same person, no matter how much you try ta tell me otherwise. When he lost his memories, he lost himself. Who he is."
Suddenly, a wave of grief hits me like a tsunami and I start sobbing before I even sense the tears coming.
"Xavier please, please just take my memories and give him a copy. Please. I want- need him to remember."
He frons and hands me some tissues, "I'm sorry, Elise, but the mind simply does not work that way."
"I just want my big brother back," I cry.
"He's still there, just a little different. Just like how you are different than you once were."
"Yeah, like how I got turned into an over-emotional little girl who starts bawling at the drop of a hat."
"Elise, remember emotions are not a fault. They are a sign of your humanity," he says. "Would I be wrong in my assumption that you've been having troubles with your emotions for a lot longer than just recently?"
"Yeah," I say, throwing away the tissues. " I guess so. It's gotten a lot worse lately, though."
"That is to be expected considering the monumental amount of trauma you experienced. In fact, if you weren't reacting similarly, I would be far more concerned. You are dealing with more stress than just about any other person can fathom, what with the additional stresses of trying to repair a relationship with your brother, but you're still holding on."
Barely.
"You are much stronger, " he says. " Than how you make yourself out to be."
Yeah right. Strong enough to break down, maybe.
I feel so weak, exposed. More so than when I was practically naked in the snow and they sicced hungry wolves on me.
"Last night, he cared for you when you were having nightmares. Isn't that what a brother would do?"
I look down and don't answer.
He continues, "Your relationship may be different now, but all relationships change over time. It may take a great deal of effort, but if you want a fulfilling relationship with Logan, it is not out of your reach."
Not sure I believe him, but I nod.
"Contemplate what we've discussed and go try to speak with Logan when you feel up to it."
That's assuming I ever do.
