AN I: The Phantom Crentist: Forgive my slacking off. There's been quite a lot of work I've been needing to do, so sorry for keeping you waiting. That being said, this chapter is a result of writer's block, so prepare yourselves for possible filler content.

Splatoon: The Bate Bros.

Minor Calibrations

Splin and Sharq were cozily sitting on top of their respective beds. The Super Sea Snail that Spyke gave them was resting on the kitchen counters across from them on a plush little bed with a blank name slate on it. Sharq was being a boss at Call of Sploosh: Advanced Turf War or some other fake video game name that I can't come up with right now, kicking tails and taking names, while Splin was inspecting the Tele-Cube. Splin tapped one of the sides of the cube, prompting it to hover and spin around before quickly settling back down into the palms of Splin's hands.

"Huh. What does this do besides teleport us to dimensions that would kill us? I've had it for two days now, and we still don't fully understand what makes this thing 'tick'." Splin gave the cube another experimental press with the palm of his hand, suddenly making the cube become as bouncy as rubber. He dropped it on the floor, making it bounce up towards the ceiling. Splin grabbed it as it came down, reverting it to its normal beeping form.

"Maybe we can use it for other stuff too!" Sharq said, still focused on the game. That is, until an Inknade was dropped in front of Sharq's in-game soldier, splatting his character. Sharq frustratedly dropped his Ink-Box One gaming controller, and shut off the console. (I could've made a Wii U joke but I thought it made more sense like this. Also 'cuz console equality.)

Splin placed the Tele-Cube by the alarm clock, which began to blare beeps just because of the mere placement of an object by it. Splin and Sharq covered their ears, still slightly sore from the screeching orders Ari gave yesterday. The Tele-Cube flashed, before the side of it facing the alarm clock twisted into a speaker that blasted the alarm clock away similar to a Killer Wail.

"Hmm…" Splin said, two fingers resting sideways on his chin. "This thing seems to respond to accomodate for its environment surrounding it. So if that's the case…" Splin ran over to the sink in the kitchen, tossed the cube in it, and began to douse it in water. The Tele-Cube's shape molded to push the water off of itself, slanting the edges downwards.

Be careful with that thing.

"Oh hey voice!" Sharq piped up.

Splin looked up at the ceiling. "Hello voice. I was just testing out the abilities of the Tele-Cube. This thing seems capable of a lot of stuff."

Ah. Well, you're very observative. This little block can actually do whatever you want it to do. For instance, if you wanted it to defend you from something…

The Tele-Cube lit up, and began to shine light by the beds. The light began to materialize, until a small turret gun with a flashing light appeared, the gun part rotating back and forth with a single beep every time. Splin's eyebrows raised in fascination at the creation.

In other words, it's the cube of convenience.

Suddenly, the Tele-Cube began to vibrate, before the mini turret exploded, leaving nothing behind. The cube's light emanating from itself dimmed as well.

"What happened?" Sharq asked.

I wouldn't just give you something that could completely destroy a universe without balancing it out first.

"Balancing?" Splin asked, looking at the cube.

Yep. Think of it this way, it's like a portable gaming console like the Splatendo DS. (Heh.) It has a lot of potential and power, but it still needs room to charge.

"So if I tried to use the same effect again…" Splin wondered, thinking of the mini turret, he shook the cube. A red line diagonally crossed throughout the cube.

See? Needs room to charge.

"Huh. Well thanks voice."

No problem. Just gonna see how the fourth wall is doing. Goodbye.

"See ya later voice!" Sharq shouted. Sharq peered over the cube, still in wonder at the things it could do. "You wanna try it out later?"

Splin stared at the cube, then back at Sharq saying, "Sharq, we are very well holding an object that can be used to raze cities, transport us across the universe, and you're suggesting we use it for fun?"

"That's not exactly what I meant, I mean we co away from the city of Inkopolis, and see what else it can do where it won't hurt anyone." Sharq responded. "Right? After all, if we don't know how it works, then we might destroy Inkopolis. Again."

Splin picked up the cube, staring at it for some time. After a few minutes, he stared up at Sharq and said, "Alright. Let's get to testing."


Splin and Sharq were now in a secluded lower area of the hills they call home, a flat range with multiple paths and a few trees dotting the hills. They brought the Tele-Cube with them, setting it in the middle of the small meadow. Splin was holding a checklist on a clipboard and Sharq was sitting by the Tele-Cube.

"Alright, so first things first. This block is called a 'Tele-Cube', so obviously it should be able to teleport us, right? Sharq, think of somewhere in these hills you'd like to transport yourself to." Splin instructed.

"Alright!" Sharq walked up to the cube, eyes shut in thought, before they snapped open, and Sharq was whisked away in a cloud of bluish smoke. Splin waited a while, before Sharq came sliding down the mountain as a squid.

"Did it work?" Splin asked.

Sharq reverted to humanoid form raising the pet Super Sea Snail and a bag of fries leftover from yesterday. "Yep!"

"Alright, that's down…" Splin checked off a Teleportation box.

"I wonder…" Sharq set down the Super Sea Snail and fries down, and tapped the cube. The cube began to vibrate slightly, before it burst into flames.

"WHOA!"

"Oh no!"

Splin took out his Forge Splattershot Pro and Sharq took out his Blaster, odometer included, and blasted the cube with ink. This did nothing to quench the flames. A light bulb flashed in Sharq's head, before he leapt onto the cube.

"SHARQ NO!" Splin cried out. However, when landing on top of the flames, Sharq didn't ignite. Worried and confused, Splin walked over and picked Sharq up off the flames. Sharq gave him a smile and a thumbs-up. "What." Splin pressed his hand on the cube, which only felt warmer. He ripped up tufts of grass and set them on the block, they ignited, but only gave off a small amount of warmth. Splin pat the cube twice, the fire disappearing seemingly like magic, the tufts of grass still singed slightly. "Guess it's made like the Turf Wars. No friendly fire…" Putting a hand under his chin, Splin thought of something, before tapping the cube again. This time, a Splattershot Jr. popped out, an orange ink color, before firing a single round at Splin. "Guh!" Splin fell back on the grass.

"Splin!" Sharq ran over to his brother lying in the grass. "You okay?!"

Grunting, Splin sat up. "Y-Yeah. I guess only the fire was friendly." Silence.

Sharq managed a small, awkward chuckle. "Maybe I can program it to help make better jokes." Splin rubbed his head and laughed, coughing slightly.

"Alright, we need to get you back to bed man. That thing did a number on you, and if you plan to keep testing, you better not think of a Killer Wail or something." Sharq said, looking seriously down at his younger brother. He then picked up the fries and set it on the still burning cube, still giving Splin a serious look while munching on a now heated fry.

Splin shook his head sighing. "...Fine. We're gonna test it more later." Sharq picked Splin and hung him over his back, picking up and carrying the Super Sea Snail and the Tele-Cube with him up the hill. Splin's eyes began to droop from lack of energy, before he fell asleep on his brother's shoulders.


Boom… Boom…

"Urgh… Sharq, hit the alarm clock please…"

Boom… Boom…

"Sharq?" Splin's eyes opened up. He was back in his house, with Sharq nowhere to be seen. The Super Sea Snail was shivering, a bag of half-eaten fries next to it. "Hey, what's wrong?" Splin cautiously walked over to the Snail. It shivered, its eyes were darting back and forth, before it settled on the T.V. Splin pet the Snail gently to calm it down, while staring at the monitor. Curious, Splin turned on the T.V., where Rus Heba was on screen, reporting the latest incident.

"We have received word from the Inkopolis Department of Safety that a giant cube is currently rampaging throughout the city!"

"...What?" Splin's eyes went wide.

"You heard me right! We go live to News Chopper Honu, live on the scene!" The screen flashed to an overhead view of Inkopolis, where there was indeed the Tele-Cube, suspended over the city with long robotic spider-like legs, firing rounds of lasers at the buildings.

"Are you squid-kidding me?!" Splin shouted at the screen. "Wait, why did I just say that?" I'm sorry for making that pun, but I am half-sorry for having Splin say it.

"Citizens are advised to clear the area, while authorities deal with the menace!" The screen went blank, and the doors could be heard slammed open as Splin sprinted outside. The Snail's eyes darted around one more time, before it hopped over to the fry bag, and began to munch on some of the delicious tater pieces.


"...Oh Cod help us." A krill policeman said, before he was shot by a laser. The laser's effects weren't too awful though, simply turning him into an 8-Bit rendition of himself. Against all odds, the krill cop appeared perfectly fine, although his angry yells were similar to that of a certain plumber's leaping noise. Similar things were happening to other citizens. A young Inkling was transformed into an Octoling two blocks down, a teenage Inkling couple turned into a pair of rocks, and a jellyfish passerby getting vaporized. Okay the jellyfish probably wasn't a good example, but nonetheless, the poor citizens of this fair city were being affected by the malfunctioning Tele-Cube's Random Rays, as we'll call them.

"Hey wait, look up in the sky!" An Inkling boy rang out.

"Is it a bird?"

"Is it a plane?"

"Is a Superhero?!"

Just then, the Inkling who cried out "Superhero" was transported to another dimension. Hopefully one with an Inkman. Meanwhile, the aforementioned unidentified falling object was Splin, hurdling towards the cube in squid form. He slammed onto the top of the block with a thud.

"Oof!"

"Splin?!"

Looking around, Splin saw Sharq holding onto a raised piece of the cube for dear life.

"Sharq?! What are you doing here?!" Splin yelled.

"Funny you should ask, heh…" Sharq said.


"Alright cube, if you can give us fire and teleport us, then you MUST be able to replicate money." Sharq was holding a gold coin over the cube. The cube's screens all chimed a harsh beep, signifying that while it could break a universe, it wouldn't illegally forge money. "C'mon man! I gotta get back Splin's money somehow!" The cube's interface flashed to a Ranked Battle Tower Control mode, with coins raining from the sky. "I don't have enough time for that! Look, why don't I just put the coin right here-" Sharq jammed the coin into the cube, which began to shake violently. ERROR messages were plastered all over it, and the cube began to shake.

"That's not good." Sharq took the cube and ran upstairs, chucking it away. "Phew, that would've been a close one…"


"Are you serious?! You couldn't have waited for me to wake up first?!" Splin said, switching from squid form to kid form back and forth on the cube, trying not to slip off.

"You wouldn't have liked it! Besides, it probably could've worked!" Sharq yelled, slipping everywhere.

"Okay, that does it! Sharq, I'm not buying you that new level-making game for Squidmas anymooooooooore!" Splin said, falling down into the cube.

"SPLIN!" Sharq hopped as a squid down after him, while the cube was breaking down Inkopolis.


"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH- Oh." Splin screamed, until he landed on something soft. "Wow. The Tele-Cube's interior feels like the mountain's grass."

"Hmm… Sharq?" Splin looked up. The entrance he had come through was slowly closing up. "...Knucklehead." Splin said agitated. Looking ahead, he spotted something glowing a reddish tint. Splin approached stealthily, ducking as a squid when its glow intensified. Walking towards the red light, Splin noticed that it was the Tele-Cube, flashing uncontrollably and rotating in the air, two spires from the floor and ceiling acting as its support. "What the-" A loud bang could be heard as Sharq slammed straight through the barrier onto the floor. The Tele-Cube's core opened up, revealing a single pixel eye staring unblinkingly at Splin. "Oh Sharq, what have you-" That's all Splin said, before he was blasted by the eye to the wall, hitting it with a thud.

"SPLIN!" Sharq ran up to his brother, now lying on the metallic floor by the wall. "Dude, y-you okay?! Say something, anything!"

"S-Sharq, you…" Splin managed, before he fell back, unconscious.

Sharq turned around at the red eye, staring each other down. "Rrgh…!" Sharq carried Splin over by the exit, and set him down. "I don't think I appreciate you hurting my brother." Sharq muttered, taking out his .96 Gal, with an odometer of course, as well as a name tag attached that read, "Burn-Out," and aimed it towards the eye. "Well? Let's go, cube!" Sharq yelled, charging towards the cube's core.

The core's pupil began to shake, unleashing waves of laser beams at Sharq, who simply avoided in squid form, shooting at the eye and the floor surrounding it. The arena began to shake suddenly, before the whole cube area tilted, reversing the walls and the floors. Sharq fell to the ceiling. "Ow!"

Hey Sharq!

"Voice?" Sharq asked, narrowly dodging another wave of lasers. "Good timing!"

Yeah, well I mean… Nevermind, charge up your special! This thing has a weakness!

Sharq nodded, shooting at the floor and jumping over laser beams. He finished covering the floor, only managing to charge up most of his special.

"What now?!" Sharq yelled.

"P-Paint the ceiling!" Sharq turned, Splin was lying on his knees, holding the side of the wall for support. "When the arena twists, that's your chance to earn more meter!" Splin yelled, collapsing while gasping for breath. "D-Don't worry about me, just f-finish it!"

"Got it!" Sharq yelled back. Charging up his special to max capacity, he unleashed his special. Which happened to be a Echolocation. "OH COME ON!" Sharq cried out in exasperation. All of a sudden, the eye stopped. The little squid arrows circling around it began to glow slightly, as did the core. The Tele-Cube began to rotate and shudder violently. "Splin!" Sharq yelled, running towards him. "Brace yourself!" Splin shouted back, both huddling up for the incoming explosion. A blast could be heard, before everything went dark.


"Ugh…" Splin woke up, out of his bed. He hissed slightly when moving up, the Tele-Cube situated uncomfortably under his blanket. This time, it was glowing a healthy green. Freaked out, Splin tossed it away, where it floated back, and rested gently on his chest. Breathing rapidly, he looked over to the other bed, where Sharq was resting peacefully, albeit a few scratches on his face.

Splin stared at the television. He nervously grabbed the remote, and pressed the On button. Instead of Rus Heba, the screen flashed to a normal Squid Sisters broadcast.

"Hold onto your tentacles…" Callie began, smile ever present on her face.

"It's Inkopolis News Time!" Marie chimed in, a smaller grin on hers.

"Before we begin, some announcements regarding the GIANT. ROBOT. ATTACK!" Callie stated, pausing dramatically after each word.

"Oh really?" Marie asked, amused.

"Miraculously, the city is still looking fresh as always!" The screenshot on the back of the stage showed the victims of the attack looking great. The krill cop was saluting the sky, the couple embracing each other, and the jellyfish happily walking along, despite there being a burn on his forehead. The Inkling turned Octoling seemed cool with it, and continued on her way.

"Alright!" Marie clapped.

"Not only that, but we've also received word from… on high." Callie stated.

Splin shut off the T.V. in relief. He knew about the Splatfest, he was simply relieved to know that no one was seriously injured in the attack.

"Nngh…" Splin turned to the bed adjacent to him. Sharq was coming to, hand on his forehead with one eye closed. "Did we win?" Sharq asked, looking to the side.

"Yep," Splin smiled. "You did it dude. You saved Inkopolis."

"Awesome." Sharq said. "O-Oh. Sorry about earlier too…"

Splin shook his head. "It's fine, you redeemed yourself today. Besides, the Squid Sisters broadcast just came on, and no one was hurt too bad."

"What about the cube?" Sharq asked.

"I dunno… It's still here, but it doesn't seem to be attacking us…" The cube floated in the empty space in the middle of them, and rested on the drawer. "Sharq, do me and Inkopolis one huge favor." Splin said.

"Yeah?"

"If you're gonna slam the alarm clock again, don't hit the cube."

Sharq rolled his eyes. "Don't have to tell me twice."

BEEP BEEP BE-

The cube slammed the alarm clock, sending it flying towards the Super Sea Snail. The Snail was ready, jumping slightly to headbutt the clock, hitting the ceiling, and quieting the alarm. Staring in amazement, the two brothers nodded, before picking up the Tele-Cube and setting it gently against the Snail's bed. The cube's lights dimmed, before the Snail rested comfortably against it. Splin and Sharq looked at each other and smiled nervously, before quickly returning to their slumber. The .96 Gal's odometer was rising by Sharq's bedside.

Sharq's Strange .96 Gal leveled up to Scarcely Lethal.


AN II: Attack of the Works: So, what do you think? I had a weird dream of something like this happening once, except it was a rogue Wii U console blasting down everyone, with Reggie Fils-Aimé taking down it with an epic battle. That would've probably been a better fic. Thanks once more to my two favorite reviewers, Anon360 and NSPfan, or in this case, nintendosegapokefan for reviewing my story once more! I honestly didn't mean to have the Inkstrike bit be that funny, but I'm glad that I made someone laugh once with the stupidity I keep thinking up of. Any other comments, criticism, reviews, etc. are appreciated. This is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, I'm off to finally train my new Olimar amiibo, see you next time!