Neon Genesis Evangelion

My Own Personal Revolution

The blinds are up letting the greens and blues of decommissioned Tokyo-3 bleed their colors onto the pale shade of the room. The N2 crater has filled up nicely and the Geofront paints us a dwindling sun on an early winter's afternoon, doing its best to pretend it's real sunlight. Misato leaves us to catch up with a careful glance over her shoulder that tells me more about what was on that answering machine than I'd ever heard before.

Love in those eyes. The same kind I could detect when she'd look at me in the right light.

Kaji's eyes trace over the horizon and I sit at the end of his bed doing largely the same.

"Misato told me things between you and Asuka aren't so… good."

A crow stirs the branches for us.

I chose my words carefully. "Bad. Yeah… Bad."

I notice him studying me out of the corner of my eye. He must decide by the face I make to move things to safer territory.

"You've both really grown up. She's turning into a spitting image of her mother. And you—"

"Please don't say what I think you're going to say."

He smiles softly.

"I was actually going to say you look a lot like your mother too. Or at least the pictures I remember seeing once."

"Pictures?" The bastard destroyed all our photographs. But my God, if the government was really investigating him… I'd never even thought…

"They'll still have them filed away somewhere, in some intelligentsia's desk. Nothing too flattering but I knew you'd want to see them. Misato's pulling all the right strings as we speak."

An achy thing I can only assume is hope slides over my skin, raising hairs on my neck and infecting me with its pain and nostalgia. The feeling is harshly foreign. Somewhere beside me my fist clenches and releases. To know for certain I can see her face again sends my nerves jittering on a strange wavelength not at all unpleasant; I'd always dreamed of stumbling onto some forgotten keepsake somewhere that father had left unburned—but never quite like this. For once the sheer tedium of Japanese bureaucracy and its record keeping is something I can praise.

"Thank you, Kaji," I whisper as my voice returns.

He glances over at the clipboard next to me that contains our mutual future. The forms were astonishingly thin, another sign the NERV legal team knows its business.

"And thank you. For signing that." Kaji nods in the papers' direction.

"It's no big deal. Besides, you're probably going to marry her anyways, aren't you?" I offer unabashed, matching his gaze abruptly.

Kaji's eyes widen just a fraction and he coughs as the response to my half-question sticks in his throat. When he's finished hacking over his surprise he chuckles at me. He runs a hand through the dark hair, closing his eyes.

"Shinji, I wouldn't have believed her if she'd told me this was what you'd be like." He does not make it sound as if that is an entirely bad thing. But like all ambiguous Kaji statements, it leaves me faintly nervous and curious.

"What I'd be like?" I repeat.

"So…"

"Direct?"

"Yes." The laughter again. "Direct, I suppose."

"Everyone grows up."

"How's that working out by the way?"

"Growing up?" I shrug. "Fine, I guess."

"You're taller. Got some muscle on ya. A little of my scruff too, I see."

I smile and stroke my chin. "I'm not copying you. Just being lazy."

"You never struck me as lazy," he replies quickly.

"Everyone grows up."

He grunts appreciatively. We study the view in silence once again.

"Misato explained the arrangement to me," he says to the glass. "How is being famous in the right way?"

"Your kind of famous the wrong way?"

"Something like that." He winks but I can see how serious he is. How serious Misato was in the elevator.

And suddenly the romantic image I've built up for Kaji all my life, the suave debonair façade crumbles to reveal a man living at the end of his wits, putting himself in the most dangerous of situations if only for Misato's benefit. He could have disappeared after the Angels; the post-Second Impact world left plenty of rabbit holes to find, away from prying eyes and wealthy governments. But he came back, looking for her and knowing it might be the death of him.

How anyone could ever choose to do what Kaji did for his day job is simply unbelievable to me; as far as I know I've never met anyone that would do it. And what kept him going—did he do it out of some sense of duty, or maybe a loyalty to Misato? Or maybe just some inhuman drive for the truth, some strange grain in Kaji's character that refused to let him be on the outside of the biggest caper pulled off in the history of mankind. Whatever drove him this far, edges of the fear he's lived under the past few years, the infinite and varying ways he could have died come rushing to the forefront in his hard eyes.

The classy lady's man I once envisioned I see now as nothing more than a byproduct of a life of deceit and death, a cat and mouse game played with my father, SEELE, and countless others perhaps. And I see the relief that it's finally coming to an end. I see that most of all. Slowly sweeping over the rest, leaving someone new in its wake.

"Hello, anyone home?" He waves a hand.

"Huh?"

"Being famous? I said what's it like being the star?"

"It's… it's okay. A little weird."

"I bet. I always thought pop stars must lead such different lives than us. Then one day I realized the only thing that makes their lives so different is that everyone thinks that about them and treats them accordingly."

"Yeah, I'd say that about sums it up."

"Still, must get a lot of women," he says, finally drifting onto our familiar topic, his Cheshire Cat grin sneaking its way back.

"Something like that." I wink and smile shyly.

"Well be careful—"

"Please do not ask if I'm using protection."

He barks a laugh. "Ooh, she is mean, isn't she?"

"She likes to tease, that's for sure."

Kaji cocks a brow in my direction. "For a second there, I would have said you were coming onto her."

"Kaji!"

He slaps his knee with a guffaw. "I can't let her have all the fun now can I?"

"No, I suppose you can't," I mutter, praying I'm not blushing again today.

"What I was saying about being careful Shinji, I just meant… well, everyone knows you now. You have a name and an image. And some girls are attracted to that. Some girls convince themselves they're attracted to that, even when they aren't. Just don't let people—let them use you Shinji. I did that for a while because I thought it'd make me feel better. Long story short: it didn't."

"Is that why you and Misato—"

He shakes his head to stop me. "Not a word my man. Not one. This conversation never happened, etcetera, etcetera." He puts his finger to his lips.

"Right."

The tail end of his warning catches me off guard. Suddenly I remember where I am, what kind of place NERV has always been—full of conversations that never happened and secrets never told.

I'm getting antsy. I want to get back to Keio, plan another mystery, live another challenge. I want to get out of NERV-world, a place I had conveniently forgotten. I really want to get the hell away from where they must be housing the remaining Evangelions. And I really want to forget the plane ride coming here. Still, Kaji is worth it; or that's what some part of me justifies. Misato is beaming and maybe things will be better at home come winter break. And at least it's peaceful here. Despite lingering memories of anything but peaceful.

"Shinji."

My gaze snaps up to meet his. Something about the way he says my name. "Yes?"

"What was it you saw, walking in here today?"

Myself trying to strangle Asuka to death. "Nothing."

"Uh-huh. Been seeing a lot of nothings lately?" he asks casually. But I know the way the corner of his eye keeps my face in view we've left casual territory.

"Now and again," I say, matching his tone.

"Ever tell anyone about them?"

"Nothing to tell."

"Uh-huh. You ever see a doctor for them?"

"Kaji, I have enough people worrying about me without Misato in the wings. Don't start dadding me right off the bat. Everything's fine, really."

"Uh-huh…" His eyes hang on me, peeling away layer after layer with each second's pass. Gouging into another one of my secrets. What I hope isn't another one of my lies. But everything is fine. Isn't it? "Okay, well if you ever want to talk about those nothings, privately, I'm all ears."

I glance at the camera in the corner of the ceiling.

"I've got to go. Get back to school and stuff," I say, and start to fumble with my things.

"Sure thing. I was getting sleepy anyways. See you… say, what do I call you?"

I think for a moment. "Shinji, I suppose. Misato does."

"See you, Shinji-kun."

"Ja ne."

The Section Twos on either side of the doors track my back all the way to the elevator without moving a muscle. I feel their gaze pierce through me behind the black lenses.

"Pilot Ikari."

I spin at a title I haven't heard since…

"Aya… nami."


Ninth Revolution: I've got nothing to see here.


We take the elevated train with little conversation. All she said was "I want to show you something" and then not much else. Rei doesn't have to say much else to get my attention. She gives one-word answers to all my further inquiries.

How's everything? Fine, she says.

Working hard? Not really, she says.

Any love interests? Quizzical stare, she gives.

If I never understood Rei before, it's safe to say time hasn't made anything easier. Cryptic does not even begin to encompass the enigma that is Rei Ayanami. But sitting next to her, the only two passengers in the car, the silence I would have once imagined as being awkward is now natural.

Rei doesn't make small talk. Occasionally she says something that blows your mind, but why bother with pleasantries? Ask Rei a truly deep question and you'll get a truly deep answer. Either that or "I don't know/understand." But even that, with some prodding, can turn into the protrusions of a personality hiding beneath the placid surface of this quiet girl. Learning how to deal with that is the trick. It's not like she tries to put all the burden of the conversation on you; she's just frighteningly genuine.

It took me a while to understand that about her, but knowing it now makes these silences bearable.

Rei's decision to continue working for NERV was understandable. "What else do I have?" she asked me once, when I confronted her about it. "What else do you want?" I countered. But Rei is content here, and I don't think she wants anything further than contentment. Either that or she isn't telling me. Which wouldn't be a surprise.

As the scenery rushes past us to the "clack-clack" of each pair of tracks, I think back to how I once knew Rei. The horror I once felt for her turned to pity in the aftermath of the Angels. And then to absolute envy. Because Rei, I'm certain of all people, understands more about life than anyone will ever attempt to know. The only tragedy is that she doesn't bother to share it with anyone. At least not usually.

But as we leave the train station, I wonder if perhaps I'm going to be lucky enough to find out what she thinks. If not now, then one day.

The walk goes slowly, as she takes her time leading me. Birds cry out as the sun sinks impossibly low and big over the fake horizon the way no real sun could—it's such a picturesque shade of orange that it could never really exist. And then the lake comes into view.

It is artificial of course, like everything poured into the Geofront. No lake like this could exist without someone's careful sculpting hand—it's simply too beautiful. I imagine all the architects in their fervor, studying myriads of impressionist landscapes to draw up this view. Lifetimes of renaissance masters pored over in every detail and brought to life with otaku-like obsession by the most brilliant (and well-funded) landscaping artist that ever lived.

The sun glints in jagged crisscrosses off the near still azure waters. Small mountains curl up in the distance in soft grays and browns, soft points reaching up into the orange light and filling with its ethereal glow. The greenery of the forest gleams all shades of green, and shivers gently as if alive and breathing. White pebbles and smooth shores stretch away in either direction, faultless, revealing nothing but the most unnatural natural beauty for miles.

The only thing that ruins the illusion is the buildings hanging above us, but they cannot capture my attention the way the softly stirring waters do.

"It's beautiful, Rei," I murmur, mesmerized.

She nods.

"You and Asuka had a fight on the flight to NERV today." It is not a question.

"We did, how did you—"

"I know many things," she says, so that her voice carries hardly more force or tone than breeze playing in our bangs. It's an understatement if I've ever heard one.

She turns and impales me on a red stare. "You both have hurt each other. Now you assume to exist apart is the solution."

I flounder in that stare and find my tongue again.

"Yes," I answer finally.

"Look into your heart. Do you not feel loneliness?"

I sigh as I consider this.

"Maybe I do. I don't feel happy not being friends with her, I think. But what choice do I have?"

She blinks and her head tilts just barely to the side. "Because you cause each other pain? This is why you must remain apart?"

"Yes."

Her eyes return to the lake. Water laps, filling in the silence with its slow rhythm. I feel myself accommodating to it, forgetting where I am so that I am lulled by the gentle surroundings.

"You cause each other this pain because you share a bond that will not break," she says quietly, shaking me out of my revelry. "You have both refused to leave each other, though you may trick yourselves otherwise. It is this confusion that makes you both hurt. A simultaneous wish to be together and apart. Your souls were once so close they frightened one another and withdrew; but the bond remains."

"She won't even speak to me anymore, Rei…"

"But you did not leave her."

And suddenly we aren't talking about separate apartments, arguments in school, shouting contests, or anything of the like. I tremble as my tears brim at the memories of this place broken, the real sky pouring in through a circular gouge torn in its spherical ceiling. The trees burned black. The earth still smoking. The gunfire. The explosions. The anguish. White wings. Blue sky. Red blood.

"Been seeing a lot of nothings lately?"

"No. I didn't leave her."


Sorry this is so late. I have excuses. Primarily final papers which are taking up most of my writing muscle. I was also really, really stuck on this for a while. I just could not figure out how to end. Then I remembered Rei. Hooray for Rei.

Last chapter of the second arc should come a little easier I hope. I would say it'll happen before christmas but I've got other schoolwork to worry about over the break. Sorry again. Thanks for being patient. Hopefully people are still reading.