don't worry, the majority of this chapter having no capitals whatsoever is a stylistic choice because,, dot is dead and so capitals aren't needed. sort of. you'll see. :)
it didn't occur to the empty shell that was left to go downstairs and to pretend everything was normal. nothing ever occurred to the empty shell. they simply were. moods came and went. occasionally they went downstairs for a snack. people greeted them warmly. "hey, dot! wassup?" The empty shell did not process those words, did not understand them. the empty shell did not understand. what it did understand: sometimes the Others would talk amongst themselves, asking "what happened to dot?" the small one was particularly upset.
sometimes there were bad days, the shell would walk around, feelings upset and unhinged and not knowing why, constantly reprimanding themself- they weren't supposed to feel. but they felt anyways, and they'd find themselves lingering on the edges of cliffs or sitting alone in their room with a sword, shutting off all their emotions just in time before they did something drastic, like ending their own life.
sometimes the shell wondered: who is dot? And then they remembered, oh, that's me. sometimes the shell had better days, they remembered- my name is dot, i am 35,000, i like steak. but that was the extent of their memory. sometimes the shell remembered their purpose- rarely. they remembered, vaguely, that they had been in a lot of pain before, so something deep, deep down within them had decided it was best to forget everything and start anew. to not feel so much anymore. to not think as much anymore, and for some reason, for a long time, they had fought it. they had little snippets- the dot that had been hurting used to fight them, used to think they were bad, so the shell had only been around for 15 minutes at the most. but now they were here and weren't they much happier?
the shell bumped into the tall one.
"dot," the tall one said, seeming on the verge of tears. she was an Other. "what's happened? what's happened to you? w-what's going on, dot? please," her voice cracked. "dot,"
"that's my name," said the shell, recognizing the word- 'dot'. they gave the tall Other a bright, excited smile. they were proud.
the tall one put her hands over her face and started to cry.
the shell's smile faded. what was wrong? what had she done wrong? "dot," they said. "my name.. is dot. right?" had they.. been getting it wrong the whole time?
the pale Other continued to sob. "i'm sorry dot, i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry i couldn't be there for you and n-now you're.. you're... i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry-"
"pearl," they said suddenly. they did not know where that word had come from. they had never needed it before. never used it. what is pearl? was that this Other's name? "pearl," they said again. "right?"
"yes," the Other sobbed.
"my name is dot," they said, offering pearl a crooked smile.
this made pearl cry more. pearl cried a lot, like the shell suspected they used to do before they were better. before they were like this.
"i love you," pearl choked out. "i love you, i'm sorry."
something in them twinged. "do not say that," they said, not liking the feeling. nothing was supposed to twinge. inside of them was supposed to be hollow. "i do not like the feeling. i am having a feeling. i am not supposed to have it."
pearl looked at them with a little hopeful glimmer in her eyes. her hands trembled. "dot? dot? can," she swallowed. "can you hear me? are you.. are you in there somewhere? i love you," she said. "i want you to know that i love you. i love you."
"do not!" the shell repeated. "i do not like the feeling! i am not supposed to have one!"
pearl was sobbing again. "i love you, dot. i love you. are you listening? are you listening? i love you," she continued, closing her eyes, still crying. "i love you," she repeated. "i.."
the Other wrapped her long, slim arms around them, holding them close.
the shell did not like all the feelings that they were having. something inside of her was stirring and they did not want that. "do not," they said, and the Other let go.
"i don't know.. what's going on, but," the Other bit her lip. "i don't think.. i don't think you're in control, dot, and i just.. i don't know how to help you get back in control. i love you. and.. i'm sorry. and i..," pearl let out a breath before moving forward and pressing their lips together in a fluid motion. she combed through their hair, pulled their face closer.
they... she. she liked how it felt when pearl kissed her.
she felt herself being backed into a wall. "i'm, having a feeling," she mumbled, through the kiss. she wasn't supposed to be enjoying this so much.
"i love you," pearl whispered back.
"i," they- she murmured. "i love you too. i love you, pearl. pearl. Pearl." she said it until the name had meaning. "I love you too, Pearl."
"I should have been there for you," Pearl whispered. "And I wasn't."
"She was stubborn. I.. was stubborn. I? Me?"
Who was she? Dot didn't know. Remember. She thought she was they. She thought she was a shell. She thought she was.. nothing. "Am I real?" she mumbled.
"Dot?" Pearl swallowed. She could hear more of the green gem leaking through. "Talk to me," she pleaded. "You're real. You're real, I promise."
She- they felt more and more awakening inside of her- them. They- they pulled away from P-... pearl. she had a bad effect on them. she was making them feel.
"dot?" pe- Pearl said again.
"I," Dot said. "they," they said. "We? Me.. us. they. Me, help," Dot focused on regulating her breathing.
"I love you," Pearl repeated. "You said you love me."
"We, I," Dot mumbled. "i don't love you."
"It's me, Pearl," Pearl whispered again, for reasons she didn't understand. Dot knew who she was. She hoped. She thought. Maybe. She didn't know what Dot knew right now. She didn't even know if this was really Dot. "Are you still there?" Pearl could hear her slipping away again.
"we.. I," Dot was silent for a moment. they suddenly twisted away from pearl and bolted. that had been a close one.
they just kept running. and running. and running. what was even happening? they didn't know, but they knew that running was good. they stopped, turned sharply. they didn't know where they were going, but their legs seemed to know so they let their legs go where they wanted to go. they stood on the edge of the cliff, looking down. water churned below them, foamy and frothy. it looked like it could swallow her up. there was no point in being here if they were going to keep feeling. the whole point was to not feel.
you can't feel when you're dead.
they stared at their hands, wiggling them. they were still alive. for now. they looked back over the edge.
they could change that right now. they could jump.
but the whole point of being there was that before, they were going to jump. and they were here to stop themselves from jumping. when you don't feel, you don't want to jump. right?
their legs took a step forward and their first thought was no. they erased the thought as soon as it happened. the problem here was that they were doing too much thinking. the best thing was to act. they thought nothing, felt nothing, as their legs moved. closer. closer. closer.
they sat down, took their boots off. they stared down at their feet, wiggled their toes some more. looked back over the edge. it just looked like water, from here, but they knew there were rocks down there. they knew that if they jumped that would be what ended them, ultimately.
their legs moved again. closer. closer. closer. they wiggled their toes some more, they felt only air, this time. the only thing between them and the end was their heels and the rock that made up the cliff. another step forward and that was it.
they heard a hum, from below, backed up, and got on their hands and knees. peered over the edge, caught a glimpse of shore and a huge machine. that was where the hum was coming from. they wished humans would stop leaving their stuff all over the beach. she wondered if on this shore or a distant one, a little human child would find a green shard, yelling excitedly- "mommy, mommy, i found treasure!" in english or maybe one of the bajillion other languages that this planet collectively spoke. they hoped that a child would find it. it would bring the kid a lot more joy than life had brought them.
they were feeling again. they stopped doing that.
the hum of the machine was steadily increasing. louder, louder. it was like a scream. it shuddered, like it was going to break.
they would break, too. they turned around and walked away. this was not what they wanted.
their legs wanted it.
they turned around and walked back. they stood, on the edge for a moment, before taking a small step forward and teetering a little before neatly stepping off of the edge. suddenly there was no longer ground beneath their feet and falling falling falling, the wind rushed by them and blew through their hair and whipped at their face and brought tears to their eyes. they tried to move, they hadn't stepped far enough and they were missing the water and the rocks and they'd just land on the sand, just as alive as they'd been before and in tears with a hole burning through their chest.
they felt a shard roll out of their pockets and they panicked. they did not remember the reason for the significance of the little grey shard. but they knew it was important to them. they cried out, their eyes still shut tight. they did not lose their life but they still managed to lose everything.
they landed with a loud thump on the sand, their head reeling, nonexistent heart pounding, they were a failure.
the machine continued to hum, loudly. louder, louder still. a loud, mechanical high-pitched noise. they covered their ears, grimacing. and then- a few flashes of light. and then silence. they ignored it, now that it wasn't making any more noise it was much easier to ignore. they landed, hard on the sand. ran, feet pounding on the shore. going to try again. this time they would run off the edge, that way, they'd be out far enough to fall in the water with the rocks where they'd meet their end. they took a breath, backed up, ran. extended their arms, it was like flying. they allowed themselves a smile, closed their eyes. this was freedom.
"Dot! Where are you?! Dot!" Pearl yelled. They'd been looking for hours with no results. They'd left Beach City and entered Ocean Town. If they couldn't find her in Ocean Town, they'd look in Empire City. Pearl just wanted to find Dot.
She'd asked Garnet to come too, but Garnet had refused. 'There's no point, Pearl,' she had said. You might as well just stay home. 'Why not try?' Pearl had responded, giving Garnet a challenging look. 'Pearl, all the futures, they,' Garnet had gone silent for a few long moments. 'There's no point, Pearl,' she said again. Her voice had been more tense than before. 'You'll be too late.'
But Pearl didn't listen. And she wouldn't until she found Dot. Alive.
Or dead.
"Forget about Dot for a second, what the fuck is that?" Amethyst asked.
"Forget about Dot?" the pale gem asked incredulously. "She-" a pause, she cut herself off. "What... is that? Are... large machines like that even permitted on a beach like this?"
"Exactly, like I said, what the fuck is that?"
"Language, Amethyst!" went the first voice.
"Guys, don't freak out," a voice said evenly. "But i found Dot."
"Thank you, Lapis, for being responsible and actually looking," Pearl said. "Ahem, Amethyst, i'm talking about you."
"You'd be terrible at vagueblogging on Tumblr," Amethyst went matter-of-factly.
"What does a ridiculous human website have to do with anything?!"
"I'm serious, Pearl, amethyst, you'll have to act fast, but," Lapis said. "Don't freak out."
"Where is she?!" Pearl demanded.
"Up there," Lapis said. "Falling into the ocean. See? Look. She's that green and blonde speck. Up there."
"Oh, alright, this is fine. Everything's fine. That's okay. She's having a good time," Pearl said, voice edging on hysteria.
Amethyst tilted her head up. "Whoa, you're right. Heyyy, girlll!" she waved up at Dot. Who obviously, didn't see her.
"Garnet was right," Pearl said, doing the opposite of what Lapis told her to and completely freaking out. "It's over. It's over. We're too late. I've been so stupid.. I should've tried harder. I should've talked to her more. I should've said something sooner. I-"
Pearl stared at Dot, watching her rapid descent. "Dot! Dot!" she yelled, running around frantically attempting to catch her.
"She's gonna fall into the ocean, P," Amethyst said evenly. "Runnin' around on land is gonna do nothing for her."
Amethyst and Lapis just watched Dot fall, their heads tilted to the sky.
"Can you two please care a little more?!" Pearl shrieked, in tears.
"We're watching," Lapis said. "Be quiet, please."
"Does nobody here care about Dot?! At all?!" Pearl demanded.
Dot was just about to hit the ocean and Pearl was sobbing when Lapis smoothly brought up a water hand and caught Dot neatly. Dot immediately sat up and stared into the horizon with a blank expression.
Pearl's mouth formed a neat 'o'. "Why didn't you guys say anything?!"
"It was funnier to watch you run around like a concerned lover," Amethyst said evenly. "Bring 'er here, Lapis."
Lapis's water hand picked Dot up by the front of her shirt and dropped her on the sand in front of them.
Dot landed on her face and spent the next 5 minutes coughing up sand and pebbles.
"Lapis, that was uncalled for." Pearl scolded.
Lapis gave an apologetic shrug.
"Dot, are you okay?" Pearl asked.
"Uh, I'm pretty sure she jumped off of there," Amethyst said, pointing to the cliff high above them.
"I'm sure she was having a picnic and just fell," Pearl said evenly.
Lapis and Amethyst didn't bother contradicting Pearl.
"Dot," Pearl repeated. "Are you okay?"
"Who's Dot?" Dot asked.
"who's dot?" they said, genuinely baffled. they didn't know anyone named dot. they didn't actually.. really.. know anyone. what were they even doing here? they didn't remember. they began to walk away.
"Come back here," Lapis said, and Dot immediately stopped, turning to them with the most confused expression ever.
"Hi, I'm...," Dot went silent. "I'm..," she stared at her hands and then at the sky. "Metal sky," she said slowly.
"Okay, Metal Sky," Amethyst said. "Time to head home."
"Right," 'Metal Sky' gave a firm nod and started off in the wrong direction.
"Dot!" Pearl exclaimed.
"If you want I can help you look for Dot," Dot said. "But I'm not sure where they would be. Can I have a description? Last place spotted?"
Amethyst pointed to where Dot had been standing a minute ago.
"Green. Short. Forgetful. Suicidal," Lapis said. "Let's go."
"Dot is not suicidal," Pearl said. "Come on, Dot."
Dot looked from Lapis to Pearl. "What?"
"What happened to you?" Pearl asked again, sounding lost and a little distraught.
"Okay," Amethyst mumbled under her breath. "Okay. Okay! I- I know I probably should've said something sooner."
"What?" Pearl asked.
"What?" Lapis echoed.
"I.. a while ago Dot found the url to my vent blog on Tumblr and I got really upset with her so to make up for it, she gave me the url to hers. I read through it and it was a bunch of posts about how Pearl kept kissing her and she was frustrated. It was kinda funny, actually, and really entertaining. Except for the parts where she occasionally made three word posts that just said either 'i miss nepheline' or 'find my friends'. Those were sad. But just normal things she'd need to vent about, you know? And then.. I.. a couple months ago, before Dot.. yeah. I was, it was like, 2 in the morning and I couldn't sleep so I went back on Dot's vent blog-"
"That is a breach of privacy, Amethyst," Pearl frowned disapprovingly.
"Fine, I won't tell you the rest, then," Amethyst said, and Lapis shushed Pearl.
"And, I.. she'd been posting a lot more than usual, on her vent blog," Amethyst let out a breath. "It wasn't.. anything specific or even anything that made sense. She just.. she, uh.. was saying things like.. 'i'm falling' or 'i'm fading' or 'come find me' or... 'can you tell?' or 'can you notice?' and uh.. a lot of stuff about forgetting and.. not remembering things, and a whole lot of posts where she just said 'i'm scared' and that was it. Um.. one was something about forgetting what she looked like, forgetting her own name.. stuff like that. And another one was 'how much longer do i have'. She uh.. then.. the night before she.. got like.. this," Amethyst pointed at Dot. "She posted just.. one word. 'help' and then reblogged a bunch of memes to all of her blogs. Then on her vent blog she said 'i can't expect you not to forget me when i'm forgetting myself' and then 'help' again and then 'don't let me disappear' and then just the word 'goner'. She has a lot of followers on her vent blog and they were replying to her posts and they sounded really concerned but she didn't respond to them at all. So. Yeah. I knew something was.. was really wrong.. but I didn't say anything. So.. this," Amethyst got a little choked up. "This is my fault. I'm sorry."
There was silence.
"Wow," Dot said. "I hope your friend's okay. She sounds hella depressed. Good luck looking for her. I don't like to judge but stories like that always end up with them finding the person dead. Just saying."
Lapis, Amethyst, and Pearl gave Dot a few vaguely tired looks.
"You're right, sorry," Dot said. "Not my place. I don't know her. Good luck, though. Honestly. I.. have nothing to do with this, so I'm just gonna head home." she went off in the wrong direction.
"Are we gonna call her back?" Lapis asked.
"She's walking real slow," Amethyst observed. "We got time to make this decision."
"It's not your fault," Pearl told Amethyst, not giving Amethyst time to respond to the statement. "She's not going to come if we say 'Dot' anyways. She doesn't even know her name or who she is, or where she's going. Let's just follow her."
And they did. They followed her for days and she didn't notice. She kept walking, and walking, and it was clear she had no idea where she was going but somehow she had managed to convince herself she had a final destination. She frequently stopped to stand on the edge of cliffs for extended periods of time, making them all anxious, though, when she kept walking and the landscape began to change, they were grateful for the lack of cliffs.
"How are we going to get back?" Amethyst asked. "This is.. Empire City, she's been walking for days now and we've lost track of time.. Let's.. let's just let her go. Pearl, I..," Amethyst took Pearl's hands and looked into her eyes. "I know you.. have feelings for her, okay? But she's a lost cause. She's hopeless. Let's just go."
Pearl looked over at Lapis, who averted her gaze.
"Uh.. I mean," Lapis said quietly. "We are wasting a lot of time. She doesn't even know where she's going. It is kind of.. pointless."
"That isn't what Rose would've done!" Pearl yelled, twisting away from Amethyst. "And it's not what I'm going to do either. N- nobody is hopeless, okay? You weren't hopeless when we found you in the Kindergarten," she pointed at Amethyst, who flinched a little. "You weren't hopeless when you got out of that mirror and tried to kill Steven!" Lapis visibly withdrew. "And I wasn't hopeless when Homeworld forcefed me lies and convinced me I was nothing but a servant, convinced me that I was- replaceable! An accessory! You can go home if you want," Pearl spat. "But I'm not coming home unless I'm coming home with Dot."
Lapis and Amethyst were quiet.
"I'm sorry," Lapis said quietly. "But I'm going home. Peri will be worried about me." she spread her wings and gave them a flap, ascending and quickly disappearing into the sky.
"What about you?" Pearl demanded, turning to Amethyst, her hands clenched into fists and tears in her eyes. "Are you going to leave too?"
"I," Amethyst shook her head. "N-no. I'm staying. I'll help."
Pearl wordlessly started walking after Dot again and Amethyst ran a little to catch up.
walking. walking. someone is yelling. flinch. run. hide.
they don't feel but they still run on emotions.
"Dot?" Pearl tried calling.
They heard her mumble- "Is that those guys I saw on the beach? Are they still looking for their friend?"
Then Dot tripped over her own feet and fell over, somebody nearly stepping on her. Dot stood up, blushing a little, and dusting herself off.
"Uh, um," Amethyst fumbled for words for a second. "M- Metal Sky? Is that what she said? That's what she said. Metal Sky," Amethyst called again.
Dot didn't respond at first before pausing and slowly turning around. She stared. "Are you stalking me?" she demanded.
"Uh, no," Pearl spluttered. "I, we, Dot," she said.
"I can't help you find her!" Dot said. "I don't know who that is! I don't know who you're looking for! I don't know who you are and I don't know or care about your dumb friend, okay?!"
"It's you!" Amethyst yelled, her hands clenching into fists, tears in her eyes.
People gave them brief looks before hurrying to their destinations.
"W...," Dot went quiet. "What? I'm...," she nodded slowly. "Yes," a small smile appeared on her face. "Yes, you're right. I am Dot, aren't I? Yeah. That's my name."
Pearl and Amethyst exchanged helpless glances. What next?
Dot was quiet, and then randomly, "You kissed me," she said, staring at Pearl.
"I," Pearl said. "I did, yes."
"Um...," Dot said. She paused. "If you're here to do that again, don't. I don't know who you are."
"You remembered my name, then," Pearl said. "You said.."
Dot went silent.
"Do you even know who you are or what you're doing here? Where you live? Do you know anything?"
"My name is Dot," Dot said. "I'm.. 35. And I like to rake." That's what she remembered. That's.. that's all she remembered. She tried a little harder to remember and just forgot more. "I mean, I'm not 35.. I'm... 16. 20. 21. Yeah. 21. And my name is.. Dot. I think? Probably. And.. warrior.. I played a lot of.. video games. I..," she looked down at her boots. "Wear combat boots with studded spikes so I'm definitely.. pretty punk rock. Yeah."
Pearl stood there before deflating a little. "Okay," she said, voice quiet. "You were right. You were all right. She's gone. Let's go."
"I'm gone?" Dot said. "I'm.. not gone. I'm still here," she said. "Was that... that was the problem. That's the problem. I'm still here," Dot turned around aimlessly. "What? Where am I?"
Amethyst and Pearl's eyes met. They had heard her, for a second.
"Dot's gone," Amethyst repeated, loudly. "Dot's totally gone. Not coming back. She's gone. Disappeared. That's it. She's over. Dot's over."
"Yes!" Pearl said. "Let's go! Let's just go. Dot is.. Dot is gone. You were all right."
"N...no," Dot said, staring at her hands. "I am.. here. I'm standing right here. What do you mean?"
"Dot is finished. No more Dot," Amethyst continued.
"Don't say that!" Dot scowled. "I'm here! I'm here!" she clenched her hands into fists. "I'm not.. I want to be here," Tears formed in her eyes. "Stop it, I'm here. What are you talking about? Who are you?"
They were getting through.
So they continued. Again and again. And then they broke through and the shell flew to pieces.
Every emotion she'd buried over the past few weeks and everything she was feeling now hit Dot all at once and she almost fell over.
There was silence.
"I told you to stop kissing me," Dot said, pulling Pearl close, tilting her head upwards, and kissing her deeply.
"Normally I'm all for it, guys, but is that really appropriate like right now," Amethyst said. "I mean Dot.. just came back from the void. Just saying."
They both ignored her.
Pearl pulled away, her pale blue eyes looking into Dot's emerald ones. "Can you hear me? Are you listening?"
"Yes," Dot said, crying a little, a hiccupy sound escaping her.
"I'm not even joking, guys, you can be gay later," Amethyst said. "We have to get back. Steven. Garnet. Think of the others."
"Oh," said Dot. "I've.. I'm, uh... I'll just.., Dot swallowed. "I think I'm gonna just.. not.. come.. home. I-I can't come home now. Not after this."
"So where are you going to go?" Pearl said.
"Die," Dot said automatically.
Pearl and Amethyst stood there for a brief moment, not saying anything because what were you supposed to say to that?
"Okay, yeah, you're coming home," Amethyst said. "We're not leaving you alone. Come on."
Dot gave her a blank look. "What? Why not? I'm an independent gem. I can take care of myself."
"No offense, Dot, but," Amethyst said. "We watched you stand there and contemplate jumping off a cliff like 13 times."
"That wasn't me," Dot said, sounding a little frustrated.
"Well.. who was it?" Pearl said.
"Nobody," Dot said. "That's the point."
"There's a point?" Amethyst said.
"No," Dot said. "There's no point."
"But you said that's the point." Amethyst said.
Dot clenched her hands into fists. "Maybe stop asking me questions, okay?"
Amethyst stared at Dot's fists and narrowed her eyes. "What are you gonna do, fight me?"
"Maybe I will!" Dot retorted.
"No you won't," said Pearl. "Dot, let's.. let's go home."
"No!" Dot said. "If she wants to fight me, let her fight me!"
"I don't want to fight you but if I gotta I will!"
"You think you're so much better than me, huh?" Dot said. "Because you're happy all the time?!"
"Dot..," Pearl said warily.
"I think I'm better than you because when I know I need help I ask for it!"
Dot swung her fist back and punched Amethyst in the face.
Amethyst stumbled back, her hands flying to her face.
Pearl widened her eyes. "Dot, stop it. You two- don't!"
Amethyst glared at Dot, wiping her face. Vaguely smudged blood remained on her face. "So you wanna play dirty," she growled, taking her whip and ensnaring Dot's waist, throwing the green gem to the ground.
Dot landed, breathing hard. "Hh," she breathed. "H-ha," she started to laugh. "Hahahahaha," she was soon laughing hysterically, laughing so hard there were tears in her eyes.
"What's so funny?!" Amethyst demanded.
"Don't you get it?" Dot said. "This is exactly what I want," she kept laughing uncontrollably. "Hey," she said, pointing at her gem. "Aim here if you can, a'ight?"
Amethyst's weapon dissipated. "Ugh," she growled. "You know, you're not the only one having a hard time!" she whirled around, storming away.
"Ha..," Dot said, watching Amethyst disappear into the distance. "I know. That's what makes this dumb," she shook her head. "I'm not the only one having a hard time but I'm the only one who can't suck it up and deal with it." she stood up and walked in the opposite direction.
"Dot, come back," Pearl said.
"Pearl, honestly?" Dot said. "Just do what everyone else is doing and give up on me already. You're wasting your time."
Pearl watched her walk away, and disappear. She stood there. She felt a vaguely cool sudden sensation on her arm, glanced at her arm, and then looked at the sky. It was starting to rain.
Dot came running back, screaming. "Pearl, please take me home!" she yelled. "The sky is doing evil things again, and if it gets in my joints, I'll scream, and cry, and probably there'll be smoke coming from my joints a little, and I might electrocute someone maybe, so take me home.. now... please.."
"How do I know you won't just run away once the rain stops?" Pearl said matter-of-factly. "Look, Dot, if you don't want to go home I'm not going to take you home. There's no point taking you somewhere you don't want to go."
"Why are you still trying?" Dot demanded, her breath hitching. "Why do you even care about me?" she pushed Pearl a little. "Why can't you just hate me like everybody else?!"
"Nobody hates you," Pearl said, stumbling back a little. "Don't push me," she said.
"I do what I want," Dot said, pushing Pearl again.
"Dot, I," Pearl gritted her teeth. "Okay! Okay fine! I'll leave you alone! I'll stop caring about you! Is that what you want?! Fine then! Fine! Fine!" Pearl yelled. "If that's what you want. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"
"NO!" Dot screamed. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!"
Somebody holding a yellow umbrella gave them a weird look, looking around. Must be filming some sort of dramatic indie movie, they thought absently, going on their way.
"Then why do you insist on acting like you know what you want?" Pearl demanded.
Dot stood there, breathing hard, tears in her eyes. "Because!" she said. "Because.. I.. I..," she swallowed hard. "I hate you," she said. "I," Dot looked up at the sky, rain pouring down on her face. She squinted and messily tried to wipe her face dry. "No, I don't.. I don't hate you," she said, sounding a little defeated. "I just.. hate.."
She clenched her hands into fists. "I'll... find somewhere to go. Okay?"
"I..," Pearl let out a breath. "What about Steven? You can't just leave Steven, Dot! He loves you! You can't.. you can't do that to him."
Dot's chest tightened. "I know," she said. "I haven't figured anything out yet. Just.."
"Please come back home," said Pearl.
"No," Dot said. "I'll just- I'll just end up..," she let out a shaky breath. "Being around me is messy and people who are around me are likely to get hurt, and I- I don't want any of you to get hurt so I'm- I'm staying away from everyone for their own good and you," Dot swallowed. "You should probably go."
"I'm not leaving without you," Pearl said. Her words hung in the air. She let out a shaky breath. "Please. Come home."
Dot stood there, and then she shook her head. "I... I mean, sure. For now. For a short while. I gotta.. gotta pack up all my stuff, you know?"
Pearl was silent. "Don't go," she pleaded. "I'll leave you alone, or- or do whatever you want," her voice cracked. "Don't go,"
"I have to," Dot wrung her hands together. "Because I..," her eyes started to water. "Because I love you, and I- I don't want you to get hurt because of me," her voice broke. "I'm sorry."
"Y-you can't hurt me by anything you do," Pearl said, voice layered with desperation. "But you can hurt me by," she swallowed. By leaving without even trying. By disappearing without another word. By just- just going. "Abandoning me," was what came out, and not entirely what she meant to say. Dot stared at the floor, looking like she was trying to become smaller.
"I... I know I shouldn't," the green gem whispered. "I- I can't do that to you. Not after your whole thing with Rose." Dot went quiet for a moment or two. "But you're gonna get hurt if you're around me, and..," Dot turned her face to the sky and watched the rain fall for a moment or two. "Can we go home?"
Pearl swallowed. "Sure," she said faintly, ignoring the part about Rose. She didn't want to think about Rose right now. Not for a long time. "Alright. By the way, I..," she let out a breath. "Love you too." she offered Dot a small smile, but Dot had her gaze fixed on the ground and she wouldn't look at Pearl at all.
Pearl looked away, hurt but trying not to show it. She didn't say anything. They began the long walk back home.
