TITLE: The Sleepless
CHAPTER NINE: Aching
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Flashbacks are in italics :D
Kirsten knew which one she'd ultimately choose. The decision was made before she'd even had to make it. And yet, though she knew all along what the outcome would be, that didn't prepare her for how she'd feel once the decision was actually made. She'd chosen her husband over Ryan, the correct choice in her mind... though her heart didn't seem to agree.
She ached every time she saw him since she'd ended things. And every time she looked at him, it brought back flashes of their final night together... before she told him what her decision had to be; before he told her the most shocking thing she'd ever heard him say.
"I think that's how we should greet each other all the time from here on out," Ryan panted, sinking back against the mattress.
Kirsten grinned brightly, leaning down to capture his lips again as she moved off of him and onto her side. "I think greeting each other like that constantly could actually be bad for our health."
She laid her head on his bare, muscular chest and smiled when it spasmed with his low rumble of laughter.
"And how's that? It's cardiovascular. If anything, we'll stay in great shape."
Kirsten sighed dreamily and closed her eyes, her scalp tingling when Ryan began running his fingers through her hair. They were silent for several moments, in which Ryan stroked her hair and planted tender kisses on her forehead... and in which Kirsten was slowly growing more and more despondent. It was time to tell him.
"Ryan..."
"Mmm?" He tipped her chin up and craned his neck to capture her lips.
She forced herself to pull away and look him in the eye. "I think we need to talk."
She watched him search her eyes with his own stunning blues, before he swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay."
They sat up together and slowly dressed, both having to hunt around the poolhouse for their discarded clothes. Once they were both fully dressed, Kirsten ran a hand through her hair and began. "I think you already know what I'm going to say, but I still think I should say it."
Ryan just nodded and watched her pace from his vantage-point on the bed. "Yeah."
"Ryan, I have to try to save my marriage." She pressed on even though she saw him duck his head. "I have to. So much is at stake, and--"
"Yeah, I got it," he mumbled, stuffing a hand through his hair.
Kirsten watched this motion, her eyes on the angry tufts of dark blond hair that now stood up. "Ryan, I'm so sorry."
He sighed. "You've got nothing to be sorry for. This entire thing is my fault."
She furrowed her brow at this. "How, exactly?"
He stood and began pacing at the opposite side of the bed, one hand planted on his hip while the other gestured to her. "I kissed you first."
Kirsten shook her head and took a step toward him. "I kissed you back."
"I untied your robe."
"I let you."
"Kirsten, just stop it!" he yelled suddenly.
She flinched slightly as her eyes widened. "Well what else do you want me to say?"
"Nothing, okay?" He was still upset, still shouting as he continued pacing, keeping his eyes from hers. "Don't say anything! None of this was your fault, it was all my fault! I knew this wasn't going to end well. I didn't expect it to. I didn't expect any of this to happen, alright?" He looked up at her then with pain written across his face as he took the final plunge and blurted, "I sure as hell didn't expect to fall in love with you!"
Kirsten drew in a sharp breath. "You what?"
She then watched as realization dawned on his face, followed by another expression of pain and anger... and he shook his head. Waving dismissively, he muttered, "Forget it."
"Hey guys? You out there?" Sandy called from the kitchen. "Seth and I brought Thai!"
"Coming!" Kirsten immediately called back, then swung her head round quickly to look at Ryan. "Ryan, I--"
"Don't." He began to straighten up his bed almost meticulously... as if trying to erase any evidence of what had just occurred there. "You should go inside. Sandy's waiting."
Before she could say another word, he brushed past her and left, slamming the poolhouse door.
Kirsten took a sip of her coffee as she replayed those final moments with Ryan... what he'd said. It was a week ago already and they'd barely spoken two words to each other since. She knew Ryan was deeply hurt -- and she also knew without question that he had meant what he'd said. It didn't hit Kirsten full-force until it was over that what they'd had was serious. Adulterous and illicit as it was, it was a serious relationship.
And her heart still ached from missing that relationship. Sure, things with Sandy were good again, but she was constantly reminded of how good things had been with Ryan at the same time. How great they had been together, not just physically. The two of them had been a wonderful fit.
"Hey! Morning, honey."
Kirsten turned and gave Sandy a smile as he ambled up behind her, planting a kiss on her neck. As he went about getting his coffee, she turned her eyes toward the poolhouse, from which Ryan was emerging with Marissa. A pang of jealousy seared her heart when she watched Ryan smile that glorious smile at the Cooper girl.
"Is that Marissa?" Sandy leaned toward the window, surprise in his tone. "I had no idea they were seeing each other."
"They weren't," she replied, and hoped her response didn't come out too quickly.
"They weren't, huh? How do you know?" Sandy leaned against the counter with one hand, bringing his coffee cup to his lips with the other.
Kirsten cut her eyes to the side. "Well, I think it would be obvious. She'd be over here a lot, or he'd be leaving to see her quite a bit," she lied. "I think we'd know, Sandy."
"That's true. Well, then he's been seein' someone we don't know about!"
She tried to keep her expression bland. "How do you figure that?"
"Well he's been in an extraordinarily good mood the past several months... just until last week, though. He's been much different for the past week."
She cleared her throat and brought her coffee cup to her lips again as the back door opened. Her eyes were immediately on Ryan as he and Marissa stepped inside. The Cooper girl greeted them in her usual bright way and she echoed the greeting though her eyes stayed on Ryan. When he looked up, she turned away, reaching for a bagel.
Sandy snatched it from her with a grin and she couldn't help whacking him in the arm, though she was still straining to hear what Marissa was saying. She caught the tail end of it.
"And... I was hoping you could come with me."
Kirsten looked up then and found Ryan's eyes on her. They held gaze for several seconds until Sandy leaned back in her field of vision. He extended one half of the bagel to her and she took it with a smile, her ears still focused on the conversation at the other end of the breakfast bar.
"Yeah, I'd uh... I'd love to."
She met Ryan's eyes again and couldn't help but feel disappointment, though she knew it was irrational. She'd chosen Sandy. Ryan had every right to move on and date. She took another sip of her coffee and blinked back the emotions trying to surface.
"We should go," she heard Ryan sigh, and she caught his eyes one last time before he and Marissa left.
Kirsten turned to deposit her now-empty coffee mug in the sink, feeling Sandy's eyes on her the entire time and just hoping he hadn't noticed the looks that passed between her and Ryan.
"So honey, it sounds like Ryan's got some New Year's plans, and... Seth's probably going to be sandwiched between Summer and Anna as usual..."
"Don't say sandwiched, Sandy," she sighed. "Bad images."
"Sorry," he chuckled, and came up behind her.
She felt his hands on her shoulders, gently kneading, as his lips ventured toward her ear. "So, since the boys'll be busy, whaddya say you and I take full advantage of having an empty house on New Year's?"
Kirsten's heart lurched. It used to flutter every time he would make a suggestive comment such as that. Now, for some reason it just made her feel guilty. And her heart still ached. So, she forced her mind into control, turned around and, with a smile, replied, "That sounds great."
But the promise of an empty house was never fulfilled. Kirsten's younger sister Hailey had shown up out of the blue the night before New Year's Eve, just adding to Kirsten's stress level. She loved her sister, but knew full-well the purpose for her return. She was in need of another cash handout from their father. Not only that, it seemed the young woman was up to something.
Hailey had been far too sweet upon her return, and practically ushered Kirsten and Sandy out the door, to go to some party. And, after five minutes at the party Hailey had sent them to, Kirsten knew for a fact her younger sister was up to something. She and Sandy found themselves smack in the middle of a swingers' party.
Sandy looked to her in disbelief after watching several of the party's male guests deposit their watches into a large bowl. "Oh you've gotta be kiddin' me. Hailey doesn't think we need this much loosening up, does she?"
Kirsten shrugged. "Apparently so." And she knew it to be true. Earlier in the day when Hailey had been rifling through Kirsten's closet in search of a party outfit for her sister, she had accused she and Sandy of being very, deeply, married. She basically accused them of being in a rut.
Trouble was, Hailey was right. That was partly the reason Kirsten had started an affair with Ryan -- because she'd gotten far too comfortable in her marriage and needed a change.
She swallowed hard as her heart ached yet again. Just the mere thought of him and she hurt all over. That had to be a sign of some sort. "Do you wanna get out of here?" she asked Sandy.
His thick eyebrows flicked upward. "Yes please, honey. We can still make it to the Arches if we hurry."
"And we can get stinking drunk."
"Absolutely."
They never made it to the Arches, either. On the way inside, they had run into Julie and Caleb, who were just leaving. "Sandy! Kirsten!" Julie beamed and leaned into each of them for kisses on the cheek. "We were just talking about you."
"Oh that couldn'tve been good," Sandy quipped.
"How would you two like to join us for drinks?" Julie suggested.
Kirsten nodded, surprisingly exuberantly, and ignored the shocked look she got from Sandy in return. "We'd love to, thanks." Anything to keep her mind off Ryan, she thought.
So they went for drinks with Julie and Caleb. As Sandy threw back more and more scotch, Kirsten drank more and more water, knowing she'd have to be the one dragging Sandy toward the master bedroom later with him passed out on her shoulder.
"Might wanna ease up on the scotch, Sandman," Caleb teased rather stoically. "That's how alcoholism starts."
"Nah, that's just how I enjoy my time with ya, Cal," Sandy shot back with a sly smirk.
Kirsten sighed and checked her watch. It was already half-past eleven... thirty minutes until the New Year. She wondered what Ryan was doing.
"So Kiki, what's your sister doing this evening?" Caleb asked.
"Mm, probably waiting around for her daddy to hand her another wad of cash," Julie sighed, plucking the olive out of her martini.
"No, I would bet she's havin' a party tonight," Sandy joined in.
Kirsten furrowed her brows. "Why do you say that?"
Sandy blew a puff of air through his lips and took another gulp of his scotch. She watched his eyes go unfocused for a moment before he replied, "Honey, please. She was just a little too eager to get us out of the house tonight."
Kirsten closed her eyes and finished her glass of water. "We have to get back."
TBC
