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The idea of home

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Toph came and surprised me at work today. She just showed up at the hospital – but tried to act all casual and pretend that she wasn't there to see me. she said she had been "just passing by". I didn't finish until the early afternoon and Dr Yang would not let me off early to see what Toph wanted. Toph opted to 'just pass by' again at the time that I finished work.

Most unusual.

I had fretted non-stop about her strange behaviour for the rest of my shift. I was so distracted that I wasn't concentrating properly when I was treating this little boy with something wrong with his digestive system (Dr Yang was running tests). He had a high fever (which I was trying to bring down with my bending) and he vomited frequently. Even though I knew about the vomit thing – thoughts of Toph kept distracting me. The boy went green, but I didn't fetch the bucket in time and he ended up vomiting all over my new work uniform.

Eew! It was nasty!

It wasn't the little guy's fault – but it is still the most disgusting thing to happen to me in recent memory. Dr Yang seemed vaguely amused by my dismay when she got back, and said that getting vomited on was something I would have to get used to if I wanted to work in the medical profession. She said it was a "good learning experience" for me and she knew I would always keep the vomit bucket handy in the future. Then she excused me for the day. I changed out of my uniform and went outside.

I could see Toph "passing by" repeatedly. She was pacing in the hospital gardens in very un-Toph-like behaviour. The reason for her strange behaviour became clear very quickly. We walked home together and she mentioned, in a valiant attempt at a neutral voice, that Hawky had returned with a letter from her parents. Then she started complaining about how Sokka was being ridiculous with Hawky again, and how Hawky and Momo were squabbling all the time at the house and that was why she just HAD to get out of there for a while. I bit back the sarcastic suuure that sprang to my lips – because this was about Toph's parents and I know what a big deal that is for her. So I let her talk about how she just had to leave because of Hawky and Momo and just happened to come my way. Then I offered what I knew she wanted. Did she want me to read it to her. She nodded.

-o-

We sat under a tree. She handed me the scroll. Expensive paper with an embossed seal. I cracked the seal and quickly scanned the letter. The handwriting was different. Short abrupt characters, not flowing calligraphy. It was from her father, not her mother. It was direct and heartbreaking. I would have given anything not to be the person who had to read this to Toph. I wished that she was less talented at sensing the truth, if only for her own good. If she couldn't tell if I was lying, I could have softened the blow of this letter somehow. But instead, I read it out as it is.

Darling Toph,

You have grieved us greatly dear daughter. Your mother is distraught at your behaviour and is unable to write to you at present. This nonsense must come to an end before it has completely ruined both your reputation and the possibility that we will make a good match for you – if you have not successfully destroyed that possibility already. Men do not like women who pursue manly occupations, after all.

I allowed you to earthbend only because it was good for your constitution. I never intended for you to become some sort of warrior. High born ladies are not fit for earthbending. It is a brutish and violent art that you should have never been allowed to practice. Your behaviour is completely unacceptable for a young woman of your class and breeding. We raised you to conduct yourself with a modicum of decorum. But now it sounds like you have been making a complete spectacle of yourself. New of your exploits has reached us. Even worse, it has reached the ears of the king.

I received word today from the King of Gaoling province, that as the richest merchant in all of Gaoling province, my presence is require for the upcoming peace talks in Ba Sing Se. he informed me that I would have an opportunity to make the acquaintance of all the war heroes including the famed earthbender Toph Bei Fong and asked if you were any relation. Darling Toph you can imagine how surprised I was.

It has been settled that we will meet with you in Ba Sing Se and you will return home to us. No daughter of mine will bring shame and disrepute upon her family in such a disgraceful manner. You may think I am being harsh, but I assure you that I am only thinking of you. You are too delicate and too fragile and have been sheltered so very dearly to properly understand the world and how it works. If you did, you would not behave so immaturely and brazenly. Your mother and I keep you a secret from the world for your own good. You will realise this with time.

Sincerely

Father.

Toph always seems so sure of herself. She very rarely looks bewildered and sad – but this is always her reaction to her parents' letters. I remembered Lao Bei Fong vaguely. I remembered Toph's heartfelt plea that he accept her as she was – the night of the earth rumbles. He couldn't seem to wrap his head around the fact that she was a brilliant earthbender. From the sounds of this letter, instead of even trying, he was going to dismiss all of Toph's incredible skills. It seems inventing metalbending didn't count for much in her father's book, unless she made a good match. It was so unfair.

I reached out to comfort her, but she jerked away from me angrily. Then she abruptly got up and started running away from me. I chased after her for a bit, but she tripped me with her bending and I landed badly and she raced ahead and I lost her.

-o-

I went back to the house and recruited Suki and Aang to help me look for her. Sokka still had a broken leg and Zuko and Iroh were in some sort of super important meeting. Sokka was very grumpy about being left at home. He was sure he would be the best to "talk to Toph". I wasn't sure. Talk of making fit marriages and lady-like behavior is much more of a girl-area I think. I said that he could stay here and play with Hawky for the time being (Hawky was currently perched on Sokka's cast, preening himself). We set off in search of Toph. I just wanted to find her. I know she likes her space when she's upset, but she could have her space with us nearby couldn't she? I just wanted to know she was okay.

Aang was very confused about her parents letter. I guess this is understandable. Toph is so independangt and acts so grown up – that sometimes I also forget that she has parents waiting for her at home. Parents who love her and worry for her. Parents that don't know her at all and are so bloody misguided in everything they do to Toph. Parents who she misses, despite this. Parents who she might have to go back to. Toph was still just a kid by anyone's standards. What claim had we on Toph compared with her parents.

I guess I sort of figured that she would just stay here. She and Zuko and talked about it with Iroh, about how Zuko had promised her she could always stay with them. I thought it was all sorted, but I hadn't factored in that her parents might want her back, which is a bit stupid really because of course they would want her back. The problem was they didn't want Toph, they wanted some girl who would be meek and mild and be her mother's doll.

-o-

Aang found her sometime later. She had made herself a little earth tent in the Azira gardens and was sulking inside. Aang used his earthbending to drop the tent, but she put it back up again quickly and told him crossly to go away. I discouraged Aang from dropping the tent again. Instead we all sort of sat around and waited for her.

We started trying to cajole her out with various offers. Aang said that she could travel with him forever. She would never need to go home again. She didn't need to worry about her parents. She and Aang could just have adventures together all the time and never have to worry about anything. It sounded like Toph snorted to this.

I offered gently that she could stay with me – wherever I was. I could take care of her. I know I could. I've been taking care of her for months and months and months, even though she has frequently rejected me and all my attempts at mothering her. I still made sure she was fed and clothed and clean and getting enough sleep and brushing her teeth – and that's want mums do. It's not all they do, of course. I mean there's a lot more to it that just making sure someone brushes their teeth. But I was sure I could do a better job looking after her than her parents. I couldn't stand the thought of Toph having to go home to people who would never even try to understand and appreciate her. How could her father know what a remarkable bender she was and still insist that she return home to be a fancy lady.

Suki said that if Toph liked, she could come back with her to Kyoshi island instead…whenever Suki went back there that is. Suki trailed off here because, like me, she was also uncertain about her future. She and Sokka still hadn't resolved where they were going to live when the time came to settle down.

Topg still hadn't responded to us or lowered her tent. I reminded her that Zuko had also said she could stay with him, if she wanted to. She had options; she wouldn't ever have to go home again. Everybody wanted to take care of her. This last sentence provoked a very strong reaction from Toph. She yelled very loudly for the last time Katara – I can take care of myself! She angrily dropped her earthtent and gave us all a bit of a fright.

She stood up and announced that none of us understood at all. We just didn't get it - according to Toph. And the crime of not getting it was dire indeed. She stomped away from us angrily – bent a small hole in the wall and then managed to slam it shut behind her. When Aang flew to the top of the wall he couldn't see a trace of her.

-o-

We searched around for a bit – around the gardens, but couldn't find her again. Suki suggested, in her sensible way, that we give Toph some "space". She said that Toph obviously wanted time to herself to think about things. She would come home when she was ready. We went back to the house, where Sokka was waiting (he was trying to train Hawky to fetch him snacks so he had been well occupied). He noticed instantly that we had not retrieved Toph and his face looked worried.

We told him what had happened. He listened and inhaled sharply and shook his head ruefully. He looked and me and asked if I had really offered to take care of her? Really? He said it like he was oh-so-knowledgeable and I was wrong wrong wrong for wanting to take care of Toph and telling her so. I got stroppy. What was wrong with wanting to take care of Toph. Aang agreed with me.

Sokka said defensively that there wasn't anything wrong in wanting to look after Toph- he wanted to look after Toph as well, but that didn't mean we should go around telling her this. He said you guys know how proud Toph is like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Sokka said that his point was that we had all fussed over her, acted like we pitied her and offered to take care of her. We had treated her like she was a helpless little girl. That was exactly what her parents did.

Oh.

Sokka said that Toph would hate to admit that she needed help. She always hated being pitied and treated like she was helpless. Didn't I remember how much I had clashed with her when she first joined the group and how strident she had been to carry her own weight and how much she had hated me mothering her?

I got a bit upset because I felt like Sokka was blaming this whole situation with Toph on me. That wasn't fair. I had only wanted to help her. Also, me and Toph have had our differences and I really have been trying not to mother her so much. But sometimes she seems to like it. I certainly think she needs motherly attention. I am happy to provide that. If she hated me mothering her so much then why did she keep coming to me when there was an issue with her parents?

Sokka got defensive of his position and I argued with him, even though I knew he was right. I am just a bit sensitive about being criticized for being motherly. I have had to take responsibility and take care of everyone since I was a kid. I don't resent it all because I always just assumed it was my job and my role in the group. I don't mind having to mother people, but I also don't like to be ridiculed for it.

Zuko stomped in during the middle of our disagreement, looking stressed and frustrated. Well more stressed and frustrated than usual. Also tired. Did he get enough sleep last night after all the shenanigans with Azula? I must nag him about getting enough sleep later.

He was quickly filled in by Sokka and myself about the occurrences of this morning. He reacted in a very similar manner to Sokka (sharp inhale, head shaking) and agreed with the general sentiment that Toph was proud. Zuko thought she would come back when she was good and ready. If she wasn't back in an hour – we could all go look for her again.

-o-

She wasn't back in a hour and once again we all set off to search. Sokka was, once again, frustrated because of his crutches. I thought he should stay at home – because surely he would not be an efficient searcher, hoping around on those crutches. But Sokka was through staying at home and gamely hopped off in search of Toph.

Zuko and I looked together. This was Zuko's second search party in two days and I made a few comments about how he would quickly become an old pro at this. He said that I was probably the one who would become an old pro at this – because I was the one who found Azula. I shrugged and said that I hadn't done much. She had wanted to be found, by the time I happened across her, that was all. He nodded, but thanked me for last night anyway. I asked how she was cautiously. Zuko shrugged and said she'd been…okay today. Ty Lee had been great with her.

He was just looking so tired and talking about Azula seemed to make him more tired. I asked him what time he got back from the convalescence home last night and was a bit dismayed with the answer. No wonder he had bags under his eyes today. I proceeded to nag him a little about getting more sleep/having a nap when he got back. My nap suggestion was met with his normal derisive response (a snort and an indignant naps? What am I –five?). A small squabble about naps and the importance of getting eight-hours sleep, especially if one is leading a country ensued.

We came across Toph almost by accident. We could hear the sounds of angry earthbending coming from one of the Palace gardens. Zuko and I had a quick, confused conversation in gestures. He motioned for me to stay here – and then pointed to himself and the garden – to indicate that it was his turn to talk to Toph. I put my hands on my hips and made a skeptical face at him – my face said why? He did a series of gestures that I found incomprehensible. Was this the gesture equivalent of his nervous babble?

Oh spirits -it was!

His nervous babble gesturing was interrupted by Toph, who called out that she knew we were both there, with some irritation. Zuko froze mid gesture and made the most adorable sheepish face here. There didn't seem to be any point in pretending we weren't here now. I called over the wall that we just wanted to talk to her. Toph didn't want to talk to us. Zuko and I glanced at each other and quickly reached a mutual understanding. We both started trying to climb over the high wall. Toph muttered oh for fuck's sake, bent a small gap in the wall and said why don't you just come in then sarcastically. Zuko and I obliged.

Zuko pointed out, as he was squeezing through the gap, that Toph shouldn't be so sarcastic about inviting us in, because it was technically his palace. He said that he should be the one inviting her in to places sarcastically. He quickly amended this statement and said that he wouldn't invite her sarcastically and he hadn't meant it like that and she knew she was always welcome and….Toph cut him off here said she got it. Zuko and I wandered over to her and she sat down and crossed her arms and said that she didn't want to talk about it firmly.

Zuko said that she didn't have to talk – but she could listen. He said that Toph knew she was always welcome here. He made her a promise. They'd already talked about it. He'd thought it was all settled. Toph should know that she could always stay with him. Zuko was sure that between him, Toph and his Uncle, they'd be able to sort something out. She wouldn't have to go home if she didn't want to.

At this Toph sniffed loudly and said that was the whole point. How could she ever go home now… even if she wanted to? She couldn't go back there now. But she had been half entertaining the idea that it might be…maybe…possibly…a little nice to see her parents again and maybe if things went well, she could go back to Gaoling and visit them. But now she couldn't ever imagine going back there. When she thought of Gaoling, it didn't even feel like home now. She felt like she didn't even really have a home now.

Oh.

I often forget that Toph misses her parents. She talks about them so rarely. Her parents and her home were all tied up together in her mind and now she was starting to feel like she didn't belong there anymore.

There is nothing quite as alienating as feeling that you don't belong in your home. I told her this and that I felt the same about my tribe and the South Pole actually (Zuko was looking at me intently as I said this). I knew what she meant. The South Pole didn't even feel like home now – and I imagine that if Gran Gran had sent me the sort of letter that Toph's father had sent her, I would be equally dismayed. Zuko and Toph both listened to me and agreed.

Zuko piped up that he understood what we meant. But he said that he thought that feeling like you didn't belong at home might be something that happens to everybody. Maybe it was just part of growing up. Everyone reaches that point in their lives when they feel that the house they grew up in wasn't their home anymore.

When he first came back to the firenation – he'd realized that the home he was homesick for was a place that didn't actually exist. It wasn't as simple as just coming home and having everything like it was before because after he had been to so many places and done so many things – nothing could be like it was before. All of a sudden his whole idea of home was just gone. Even though he was firelord now, and actually living in the house he'd grown up in, that feeling of belonging that he had when he lived there as a kid…that wasn't ever coming back.

This conversation was getting a fairly deep and more than a little saddening. I didn't want any of us to feel that we'd never get that home feeling back again. That feeling that you have as a kid – a feeling of safety and belonging – surely something like that couldn't just disappear forever. Sometimes I caught glimpses of it, when the six of us were on Ember Island together.

I said that I thought that maybe losing your feeling of home with regards to your childhood home, was a right of passage. Zuko was right, maybe it was just part of growing up. But I was sure we would get to feel that feeling again. One day. But next time it would be when we were creating our own idea of home. I was sure we would feel it when we made a new home for ourselves, with a new family.

Zuko gave Toph a poke here and asked her what she said to that. Would she like to stay here and try make a new idea of home, with him and his Uncle. Toph said no and he looked rather dejected. She said that she knew he was just asking because he felt sorry for her. Zuko instantly said that he wasn't. He was asking because he liked having her around and…because he needed her. Toph brightened and said really?

Zuko nodded and said really and truly. Who else aside from Toph would be able to tell him who was telling him the truth and who was lying? And who else could beat up 20 imperial firebenders in under 20 seconds? Who else was going to help him keep his Uncle out of trouble. He said that if Toph really thought about it, she'd see that he was asking her for entirely selfish reasons and she'd be doing him a huge favour be even considering staying.

Toph smiled deeply when he said all that. I was filled with such pride for Zuko right then. I don't know why. I mean everything he said was true after all. But I also knew deep down that there was nothing selfish in his offer. He knew how hard it would be for Toph to accept anything that even looked faintly like pity– so he'd framed everything in terms of her usefulness and badassery, so she could feel like she was deigning to stay with him, rather than imposing on him.

Toph seemed convinced at least. She said she'd consider it – which was pretty much a yes, from the way she said it. But then she asked what about my parents? quickly. She said that they had seemed very set on having her back in Gaoling in their letter. Zuko said that he was sure Uncle could meet with her parents during the peace talks. Her Dad was a merchant – his Uncle was a great negotiator, he was sure they'd sort something out. Toph said it wasn't her dad she was worried about – it would be her mum. Her mum would have the hardest time letting her go. Zuko shrugged and said that Uncle had amazing powers of convincing the ladies. He could make any lady go fluffy.

Go fluffy? Toph and I exclaimed in unison.

Zuko backpedalled and said it was just what his Uncle called it. I asked what a lady going fluffy would look like, in his expert opinion? Zuko looked aghast and said he wasn't going to describe it – besides I would know it when I saw it. Toph cleared her throat loudly and Zuko added errr you'll know it when you feel it.

Toph looked about and asked where Uncle was anyway, in a casual tone of voice. Zuko said that he was on a date. Toph crossed her arms and said who with? Zuko said the repulsive twins and looked faintly disgusted. Toph knew who he was talking about and screwed up her face and said eeewww. Zuko said I know right. He added that Uncle's date with the repulsive twins was a prefect example of just why Zuko needed Toph's help keeping his Uncle out of trouble. Uncle could do so much better.

A very cheeky grin stretched across Toph's face and she said speaking of people who could do better… this was obviously referring to a conversation they had earlier today when I was at work. Zuko instant recognized where she was going with this and made a disgruntled noise and huffed oh not this again. He got to his feet and we all joined him. While we walked out, Toph started explaining that she and Uncle had been just saying…Zuko said that he knew what they were just saying and very quickly grabbed her and started giving her a noogie. Toph struggled and called him a big bully – but she was smiling widely, like she really enjoyed being noogied. Or maybe she just enjoyed being treated like a bratty kid sister.

-o-

Everyone else had turned up back at house by the time Toph and Zuko and I returned. They all rejoiced at seeing her. She seemed oddly touched that Sokka had been hopping all round the city looking for her. She announced regally, that because Zuko was so hopeless – she had elected to stay in the firenation so she could prevent him from doing himself an injury.

Uncle came back. His cheeks were covered in lipstick kisses – but he hadn't noticed yet. He was whistling to himself and seemed incredibly pleased. Zuko seemed incredibly displeased. Uncle asked him why Zuko was making that face at him. Zuko suggested that he might want to look in the mirror. Uncle looked, and shrugged and said it was twins Zuko in his defense. Sokka agreed that the twin-ness of the escapade was a very salient point (Sokka had been smacked upside the head by Suki for this).

Zuko made a face at Sokka and muttered don't encourage him. Sokka made a cheeky comment about how Zuko was the one we should be discouraging from shenanigans with twins – given his documented love of threesomes. Zuko made a frustrated noise and said that as soon as Sokka's cast came off, he was going to kick his arse for that. Sokka said nevermind waiting until the cast came off, he could go now. He poked Zuko with one of his crutches. Zuko picked up the other crutch and poked him back. A small poking battle ensued.

Boys!

-o-

Gloomy came by a short time later to kill the fun. I think she was pissed off. With her, it is hard to tell. Zuko was meant to be having dinner with her tonight and he had clean forgot. He was now very very late. Zuko looked a bit horrified at forgetting and started to apologize but she waved off his apologies and said just get you coat, sound bored.

He raced off to get it. There was a small awkward pause with Gloomy just standing there. None of us knew just quite what to say to her. Uncle stepped forward and introduced himself again and said that he very much regretted that they hadn't had a chance to meet properly the other day. His face was thankfully clean of lipstick now (Lenka had brought him a hot towel pretty quickly) and he was being friendly – so I couldn't understand why Gloomy was so abrupt with him. Maybe she is just this abrupt with everyone?

She said she knew who he was – he didn't need to keep introducing himself. Iroh seemed a bit taken aback. There was an awkward silence. Iroh seemed to believe that he could alleviate the awkwardness with more introductions. He asked if Gloomy had properly met all of us and gestured around. Gloomy just nodded in response, but Iroh seemed to be unable to fathom what she meant by her wordless nod and proceeded with introductions anyway. Suki was sitting closest to him and he gestured at her and said this charming woman is Suki, she is a Kyoshi warrior and a wonderful musician. Suki, bless her, stood briefly and bowed at Gloomy. Gloomy said (a little impatiently) that she knew who everyone was.

Awkward silence again.

-o-

So I really don't like that Gloomy Hairbuns.

Uncle Iroh doesn't like her either.

I can tell.

I was lying in bed, But I could hear Toph and Uncle chatting in the lounge room. Uncle was waiting up for Zuko – and Toph was keeping him company. They'd talked a bit about the old foster system that used to exist between noble families in the earth kingdom and the firenation. It operated on the belief that children learned more from experiencing other cultures (as long as they experienced those other cultures from the finery of a very wealthy household). It was meant to open up more opportunities for children. Iroh said that as they were the royal family, they could open up endless possibilities for Toph – hopefully her parents would be amenable to the idea. Toph said wryly that as long as Iroh could wangle it, so that it sounded like one of these opportunities would be an "advantageous marriage" – her mother would be happy. The way she said advantageous marriage was just dripping with sarcasm.

Iroh said that he was sure a girl with all of Toph's wonderful talents and qualities would never have to worry about that – she would beating them off with a stick when she got a little older. Toph said that she actually planned to be like Iroh. When she was older, she was going to come home from inappropriate afternoons with twins constantly – just to annoy Zuko. Iroh threw his head back and laughed a big belly laugh.

When his mirth had subsided, he said seriously, that he was very glad she was staying. He would need help with Zuko more than ever – because Zuko had a tendency to flirt with disaster. Toph said sagely, that Uncle shouldn't worry so much about Zuko. He was a good kid. She said this like she was eighty years old and knitting jumpers for him (rather than someone who is in fact four years younger than Zuko and should not be describing him as a kid.) She added that she would prefer him flirting with disaster than going out with friggin Gloomy Hairbuns. Iroh did not refute this at first.

There was a pause and then Toph huffed what is he even doing with that annoying girl? Iroh admonished her gently and said that they should not dismiss Miss Mai in such an offhand manner. He said that she must have many great qualities and maybe it just takes a little while for those qualities to become apparent. Toph asked if he really believed that – and Iroh said he did. Toph called him a liar affectionately.

Toph said that she still stood by her original point this morning– the only thing Zuko and Gloomy had in common was sarcasm and a love of fireflakes. If that was all Zuko wanted in a relationship – he should just date Sokka. Uncle didn't contest that Zuko should just date Sokka (I think Suki would have something to say about that.) Instead he said their children would be very obsessed with swords. Toph laughed with Iroh and I fell asleep listening to the sound of them chuckling together and taking the piss out of Sokka and Zuko's imaginary children.

I remembered thinking that Toph might have found a home for herself after all… or at least an idea of home. She just seemed to fit here. You would never know to listen to her – how fraught her day had been.

-o-

I'm a bit of a light sleeper approaching the full moon. It was the middle of the night and I heard clattering about the kitchen. I wasn't going to fall back to sleep – so I got up to investigate. It was Zuko. He was very apologetic and felt really bad for waking me. I got a bit cross because he was meant to be getting eight hours sleep, not banging about the kitchen in the early morning. Zuko said that he couldn't sleep but he was making a chamomile tea to try and help with that. I said he may as well make me one then and tell me what was bothering him. I could tell something was bothering him.

Zuko shrugged and said nothing. But then his face quickly changed and he said fine, everything. He handed me a tea and sat on the counter. I sat next to him too. I said he could tell me. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Zuko said that he'd had another fight with Mai and he'd just had some bad news…then he looked down at me and shrugged again and said but you don't want to hear about this as if he was dismissing whatever the problem was that was keeping him up at night.

Au contraire – I love hearing that there are relationship woes between Zuko and Gloomy. But even if I didn't, I could see that he needed to get something off his chest. I told him he really could just tell me. I was awake. He was awake. He may as well share whatever was keeping him awake.

Eventually he fessed up. He said it has just started out as another stupid argument. He and Gloomy had argued about Azula again. Azula had asked after Mai non-stop today and Zuko didn't know what to tell her. Mai was still adamant about never going to see her. Then they had argued about Toph and Iroh potentially fostering her. Gloomy was annoyed that Zuko had made a big decision without even consulting her. Zuko said that he didn't consult her because it didn't have anything to do with her.

Then Gloomy said that he should think about how it would look to everyone and Toph wasn't just some stray he could take home. Zuko had announced that he didn't give a rat's arse how things looked and if the nobles didn't like it – they could suck it. Gloomy then informed him that he would have to start caring because trouble was a-brewing for him. Some select few nobles were already calling him Firelord Mudlover – if his Uncle adopted an earthbender, it would only look worse for Zuko.

Mudlover is apparently a very derogatory term for soliders who consorted with earthkingdom folk, or wanted to be lenient on the villages they patrolled or for anyone who showed the slightest bit of sympathy for the Earth Kingdom.

Gloomy had dropped a big bombshell on Zuko. She said that she hadn't wanted to tell him in a fight – but he needed to know. And since she told him whatever she told him, he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it. Gloomy had been listening at home and she had heard some things. Her father was a well know Ozai-supporter… before he got thrown in prison that is. (Wow, wont that make family dinners with Gloomy's family as awkward as all hell?)

Some of the nobles were very unhappy with the prospect of peace – they had made so much money from the war after all. Some of the Generals were very worried about the prospect of getting charged with war crimes. Some of them just plain old thought Zuko was incompetent. These nobles were planning something – with Ozai. Gloomy wasn't sure how but one of them was in contact with Ozai. And she wasn't sure what they would do – but she knew they were going to do something! Firenation people don't roll over and take it and Zuko was stepping on a lot of toes.

She said that she had overheard one of the nobles say that there wasn't anything at all in firenation law that dictated that a non-bender couldn't be firelord. It was tradition – yes a very long and much beloved tradition - but traditions could and did change, when needs must. Why should Ozai be disqualified from the crown when nearly every other leader in the world was a non-bender. Just look at the earth kingdom. Bumi was the only bending ruler and he was mad. Gloomy apparently pointed out the irony that Zuko had annoyed these "Patriotic" men (and they were all men – Gloomy didn't know who many of them were aside from that) so much that they were now considering abandoning centuries old firenation traditions and singing the praises of the way the earth kingdom did it.

What it came down to was that Ozai was trying to reclaim his throne through political means now. And he had a real shot. No other firelord in history had reigned while the preceeding firelord still lived. The previous firelord always had to die for succession to be completely legitimate. The fact that Ozai didn't have his bending, did not make him an incompetent firelord in the eyes of some of these nobles. Ozai was still alive, and a case could be argued that he was still the rightful firelord and Zuko was an illegitimate leader.

Shit!

Zuko said that he told his Uncle as soon as he got home, and his Uncle had a few ideas, but told him that they couldn't do anything until the morning and he should try and get some sleep (because he was going to need it – tomorrow was going to be nuts). But he hadn't been able to sleep since. I don't wonder at that! I didn't think I'd be able to sleep now either.

I asked why now? Why did Ozai's suppporters not challenge succession before Zuko got coronated. Zuko said that he thought that it was to try and destabilize the whole government right before the peace talks. Acting now would cause more damage to the peace process and Zuko and his Uncle only had a few days before we were all scheduled to leave for Ba Sing Se – and they couldn't delay again. If Zuko and his Uncle couldn't think of a solution in time – then the whole peace process could be fucked. We would all be fucked. I didn't even admonish him for swearing because fucked pretty much summarized our position right now.

Zuko swilled his tea and muttered bitterly bloody Aang thought he was so bloody clever. He thought he could just take my Dad's bending and that would be the end of that. Zuko gripped his cup and then slammed it down. I didn't know what to say to that. I normally always defend Aang – but I had never agreed with his decision to let Firelord Ozai live. Now that decision was going to cause enormous problems for Zuko. I couldn't find it in me to disagree that Aang wasn't to blame. There is no use crying over spilled tea, but I found myself wishing fervently that Aang could have killed Ozai when he had the chance.

Okay, when I asked Zuko what was bothering him – I had been expecting that he and Gloomy had a small fight and I would be supportive and nice about it. Then he would see that Gloomy is all wrong for him and decide to dump her and run off into the sunset with me (metaphorically). I had not been expecting this huge giant worrying thing!

This was a big problem!

I asked him what would happen if the nobles were successful. Zuko said bitterly that we would all have to pack our bags a lot quicker and re-embrace life on the run. Then he made a frustrated like noise and ran his through his hair. He said I really hate this and balled his fist, with frustrated fire coming from the knuckles.

Zuko had a small angry rant then. He said that he just wanted one day that didn't turn to shit. And being the firelord sucked for him, but even though it sucked, he didn't want some small-minded, stupid, sycophantic, ridiculous, cruel, spiteful, bitter, greedy nobles and his evil dad to take it from him. And Toph had just accepted this place as her home and tomorrow he would have to tell her not to get too settled and cosy because we could all be on the run again in a very short amount of time. And if his dad was successful, then everyone who had supported Zuko would be in danger and he felt responsible for them and every thing was a mess and it just wasn't fair!

I agreed. It wasn't fair. This really sucked monkey balls. I let him rant it off – because I thought he needed it. Perhaps he needed more than just a rant in the kitchen. I thought he needed to let off some steam more than he needed some tea at any rate. So even though it was the middle of the night and I had been harping on at him about getting enough sleep earlier today – at this point I took his hand and told him to come with me. He was a bit confused but complied.

I took him outside and walked all the way to the Azira gardens. When we got there, I struck a bending pose. He asked me what I was doing. I said that I thought he needed to let of some steam. We could spar like we used to. That had always helped me. I was always in a better frame of mind after sparring with Zuko. We could spar – and then he might feel better. He would at least be able to burn off some of this angry energy – and I was so badass that I could exhausted him easily and then he could sleep. Zuko grinned at me and then struck a bending pose for himself. He said tauntingly that for all I knew, he would be the one to exhaust me! He was also badass after all. He was way more badass than me. We fell into our familiar pattern of teasing each other before a spar and it felt comfortable and familiar and right to be doing this. I pulled some of the water out of the turtleduck pond (sorry ducks) and struck. And it was on!

We hadn't done this in ages and I hadn't realized how much I missed sparring with him until we started. It was just so exhilarating and fun. We hadn't really sparred since back on ember island. I had been a bit worried about his lightning wound, and tried going easy on him at the start – but he seemed determined of overcome it and firebent at me relentlessly – just the way he used to. We were pretty evenly matched and the fight lasted for ages.

The only indication that he had been injured was that he tired out much quicker than he used to (and this obviously frustrated him.) I tried to make light of it and teased him about how of course I would be the one to exhaust him. I was the more badass of the two of us. Then I flopped next to him on the grass and pointed out that it was the middle of the night and close to the full moon. I did rise with the moon after all. He smiled at me then. I asked if he felt better and he nodded. He thanked me and then said we haven't done that in ages – I didn't know how much I needed that.

My thoughts exactly.

We walked home together. I said all the encouraging things. There would be a solution to this problem and we would find it, just like we had found a solution to all the other problems we had come up against. I was sure we could all figure out something together. I said that everything worked out alright in the end – things weren't alright at the moment, but it wasn't then end. Not even close.

-o-

0o0o0o0o0o0


The rambles.

Lovely wonderful readers – thanks so much for all your wonderful comments on the last chapter – all your reviews are wonderful and have warmed the cockles of my heart! Bless your cotton socks! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's a little shorter – but I will compensate for that next chapter (which will be a doozy). YMMV on everything!

So this chapter dealt mostly with Toph and her parents and – because this dropped plot point plagues my brain. Toph grows up a little more in this chapter and finally says goodbye to her previously held idea of home. The whole losing your idea of home = right of passage thing was inspired by the movie Garden State (which I recommend). In some ways I think it is very true and it is something that everyone goes through. I do think it is part of growing up. You have to lose your first idea of home before you can move on and make a new home for yourself.

This feeling of separation from the home is something that all the Gaang are experiencing to some degree – post war. Katara felt completely out of place and undervalued by her tribe and doesn't really want to go back south. So did Sokka, to some level. The constant teasing about Suki did get to him. Suki had never left Kyoshi before the war and now she has had so many adventures and had realized how much she can do – that going home is no longer simple for her anymore.

Toph confesses in the runaway that she does really miss her parents and her home. But it's never brought up again after that episode. Realistically, Toph is twelve. I think she turns thirteen in the spring as that is the season when all the strongest earthbenders are born. Ooh airbenders are meant to all be born in autumn. The fabulous Kimberly T *waves at Kimberly T* asked if Aang would be thirteen soon. I think the airnomads would not have had a birthday so to speak, but they would have had a day that they celebrated birth in autumn. It would have been part of the east wind festival. So I guess that would be the best way of calculating Aang's age. That will occur when the Gaang is in Ba Sing Se.

Anyway Toph is twelve, and she is so cool that it is easy to lose sight of the fact that she still is quite young. Her parents would/should, legally at least, still have some say in her upbringing. Also I do think that Toph would want to see them again – and until she got the letter from her father, she might have been entertaining ideas that they would accept her and she could go back and visit them.

What Toph is mourning and upset about is not her father trying to impose restrictions upon her and demand that she come home. It is the loss of the idea of home that she had, that her parents can accept her one day and that she could go back if she wanted to. Now the potential for going back has been closed for her. Toph is also a badass –even if her parents did succeed in dragging her back home, I don't think she would stay put in that life.

She realizes with this final letter that she and her parents really do not see eye-to-eye. They want back the Toph that they lost - the Toph that she was pretending to be during the day, the mild mannered, well behaved, helpless girl. But that just isn't Toph. One thing Toph's journey has cemented for her is that she should own who she is. She couldn't go back to just pretending to be helpless, even if she wanted to. She has realized her own power and has gained identity, self esteem and self assurance from her bending. She won't give that up, not even for her mother. I do think that Toph and her mother had a very complicated relationship and the fact that her mother is too upset to even write to her will eat away at Toph. However, Toph is now able to mentally sever ties with "the nest". She is now ready to completely make her own identity.

Toph's father's letter is not meant to make him out to be a bad person. He is voicing concerns from his own context and experience. I think that what really struck out for me with Toph's dad is that even though he had just seen her beat up about ten earth rumblers – he was much more appalled at how "un-lady-like " she was being. I think being lady-like was a big part of Toph's life (see her derision about learning fancy-schmanzy manners in Ba Sing Se.) Also there are no other female earthbenders aside from Toph in the series (there are many theories at to why, including footbinding and gender expectations etc). anyway it is a very blunt and forceful form of martial arts and I could see how it could be seen as "masculine." In many contexts, women having "masculine" hobbies is looked down upon.

The Earth Kingdom nobility seem to prize absolute femininity in their womenfolk. Because for a long time – Toph acted the role of the ultra-feminine dutiful daughter, her parents have planned a life for her along that path. Specifically, they wanted her to make a "good" match. News of Toph's prowess with earthbending would fill them with horror, not pride – because it would materially damage her chances at making a good match. Anyway Toph's parents are not bad people – but they are stubborn people, who have a very rigid sense of what is right and wrong for their daughter's life. They cannot adjust to this "new Toph" who runs around trying to save the world, when they are so used to the "old Toph" who wasn't even trusted to blow her own soup.

They do want her back. They do love her. They may express it is suffocating ways – but it is still love. Also what Toph sees as them stifling her – they see as protecting her.

Toph parents are very wealthy and powerful members of the earth kingdom nobility. They can provide well for their daughter and they would have a very legitimate claim in trying to force Toph to come back home with them. Katara is right that she and Sokka, or Suki for that matter, would have little sway over convincing her parents to let Toph stay with them. Why should Toph's parents listen to them about what's best for Toph, when they don't even listen to Toph in this matter?

Aang is right out at the moment because he is less mature than Toph. He still needs someone to take care of him. Aang's offer that he and Toph can just continue to nomad-around at this stage in their lives is very sweet – but would not be successful in the long run. I think that Toph recognizes more than Aang, how much of a mother role Katara plays in their lives. If it were just her and Aang flying around – that motherly role would fall to her. That is why Toph snorts at his offer.

When all is said and done, Zuko and Iroh are her best bet, because they stand the best chance of convincing Toph's parents that they can provide and stable and refined home for Toph. I think that Toph's father must be a very astute businessman to be as rich as he is. He would recognize the value in having good connections with the firenation royal family – especially as a new world order is emerging (and Toph's father seems to have teh final say in Toph's family). Iroh is diplomatic and persuasive and would be able to come up with a solution that would be acceptable to everyone – but allow for Toph to continue staying with them.

Aside from practicalities like dealing with her parents – Toph fits in well with Iroh and Zuko. I think that the three of them had just been expecting that she would stay – but there hadn't been much discussion about the subject. Zuko would have told Uncle that he promised Toph that she could always stay with them pretty early on – and Uncle would have just assumed that she would. Iroh has already been treating her like a substitute daughter since. Her parent's letter pushes them into making it all official.

So Iroh will try to talk to her parents in Ba Sing Se and adopt her as his 'ward.' In my imagination, the old firenation/earthkingdom foster system would be very similar to the medieval foster system. Anyway Toph and her parents will still have issues to sort out in Ba Sing Se – but for now, Toph has very much chosen her 'team' so to speak.

Anyway I think that Toph and Zuko had a very cute little friendship in the show and I think that they'd have great sibling chemistry. She has already taken to acting like his bratty younger sister with gusto (she is going to tease him about Mai hardcore). One big similarity between Toph and Zuko is how prideful they both are. They are both super reluctant to ask for help or to be seen as weak. I think that this is just something the get about each other. Zuko knows how much Toph would hate to feel like the others were pitying her – because he hates that himself. He knew that they best way of convincing Toph to let them help her was to make her feel like she was well and truly needed and was doing them a favour. Toph would know that he was doing this – but she wouldn't comment on it. It would just sort of be an unspoken understanding.

The other thing that happens in this chapter is that I introduce what I think would be the most logical consequence of Aang's decision to let Ozai live. succession drama - oh noes!

So Mai would have overheard her father's plot and warned Zuko as best she could. That is why she is so uncommunicative when she comes around to see him. It is partly because he forgot their date, but also because she is really really worried. She doesn't have time for small talk. However, this would have come off as really unfriendly to everyone else.

Mai's awkwardness with everyone (that comes off as aloof rudeness) is because I really think she would have a hard time intergrating with the Gaang. She's not out-going or friendly. One of the things that struck me in that finale tea-scene in Ba Sing Se, was how little Mai seemed to fit there. She just seemed like the odd one out in the group. It's not anyone's fault, but it made me feel sorry for her all the same. I think that she would be on a very very different wavelength to the Gaang.

She would have planned to tell Zuko her big news in a calm environment (because she knows he is going to freak out). But alas, it all comes out in a fight – despite her best intentions. So I have said previously that I think that her parents would have been Ozai supporters out of political expedience. But I do think that they were true believers on some level. Because of her father's previous lofty position in Ozai's government (You don't hold the position of governor of New Ozai for nothing) – other nobles who are disgruntled with Zuko's reign would come to him – to feel him out. Her Dad being a shrewd politician would hear them out and see if there is something in their plan for him. He wasn't counting on Mai overhearing and warning Zuko.

Mai picks Zuko over her Father here by warning him. She doesn't do this with any grand political purpose or vision (I actually see Mai as apolitical and not having much of an opinion either way). She doesn't necessarily agree with Zuko on most of his policies. (Zuko wants to fill the world with peace and kindness people and I just don't think Mai's into that.)

Zuko and Mai disagree on a lot of things. Once again neither is wrong. Mai does have a point that welcoming an elite earthbender into the Royal Family will look bad for Zuko with certain members of the nobility and these same members are planning a coup and could use this as against him. She thought he was wrong for joining the avatar in boiling rock, she thinks he's wrong for opening his house to Toph, and wrong for visiting Azula, however when push comes to shove –she will support him as a person even though she doesn't support his policies/what he stands for. Her giving him early warning of what his dad is up to will be instrumental in helping him deal with this crisis.

So, Ozai is going to be a problem. Think of the way he so angrily and bitterly said I'm still alive – at the end of Sozin's comet. That is not a man who would be content to languish in prison. Trying to have Zuko assassinated didn't work – so now Ozai is opting for the political route. Aang decision to leave Ozai alive is going to cause a big fat mess for Zuko and force Aang to own up to the fact that his decisions do not only affect him. They affect the whole world.

So I always thought Aang's little energybending trick was just a little too neat and easy for him. Deus-ex-lionturtle aside – at the end of the series Aang was pretty much given a get out of your responsibilities free pass. Every single adult, every single one of Aang's friends, told Aang that this was his duty. I think Avatar Yangchen said it best when she told Aang that this wasn't about him – it was the fate of the whole world. And yet…when the time came Aang chose himself and his beliefs over the whole world.

Aang didn't let Ozai live because it was the best thing for balance in the universe. He let Ozai live for himself. Aang puts himself first here. but this is actually part of a pattern with Aang. This pattern was never addressed in the show. this makes me a sad panda.

Aang put himself and his desire for Katara first in the Guru, and then he put himself and his desire to strictly adhere to a very select few Airnomad teachings in Sozin's Comet. Both these choices are fundamentally selfish in nature. I'm not trying to hate on Aang here. He's still a kid and a certain level of self involvement is to be expected. While I'm not trying to hate on him, I certainly don't think that these choices should be treated like they are good choices. Ignoring the very well meant and wise advice of every single person around you just because they are saying something you don't like is not something that I think should be applauded.

When Aang makes a selfish choices, it is going to negatively impact upon other people. These choices would have very serious consequences, which Aang needs to face to grow as a character. Aang ight have got a get out of your responsibilities free card from Bryke, but he wont get one from me.

This problem with Ozai is occurring because of Aang's choice to leave Ozai alive – but without his bending. But it was never bending that made Ozai so dangerous in the first place. It was his connections and the way he thinks and the way he goes about things. His ruthlessness and cruelty would have been better things to strip him of – but Aang left him with those. Oops.

Succession always happens after the death of the previous monarch. I think this situation with Zuko ruling, but Ozai sitting in prison (a prison which he is kept in only on Zuko's say-so) is highly unusual. if Ozai had willingly abdicated in favour of Zuko - it would be different. But Ozai would want his throne and his power back and it seems like it is only the fact that he is a non-bender that keeps him from ruling. he was allowed to rule when he was clearly a psychopath after all.

How does bending disqualify Ozai from the throne? How binding is that firenation custom. If it is just a very strong tradition, but not enshrined in law, I can see problems ahead. Really the only thing that keeps Ozai from being firelord is a custom – and that is a pretty flimsy thing, especially considering every single other global leader is a non-bender (aside from Bumi, who is madder than a hatter). I am willing to bet that people dissatisfied with Zuko's reign would get over that custom pretty quickly.

Especially because Zuko would be causing so much change and change always freaks people out. It is a gut reaction to long for the way that things used to be. When Ozai was in charge, life was scarier, but simple. The firenation was a "glorious" nation that went around "enlightening" the ill-educated native populace of the other nations. Under Zuko, they are now "the bad guys" and have to work at "restoring their honour."

Next chapter Zuko will have to act decisively and properly accept the role of firelord. Aang will have to face a few hard truths and there will be drama!

Til then lovely readers…..