Plots Weren't Provided!
By Sovios Falchion Romantic!
Episode 9: Beating a dead horse
Disclaimer: Yuna really sucks!
And, of course, I own NOTHING! Except Angel, Myself, and the POS computer I write this sh-t on.
I don't own Mr. Dougherty, but he's the greatest eighth-grade US History teacher I have ever had. And the only one, for that matter...
Note: I also own my kites, which are kite-shaped lightweight shields. A kite, in a geometric sense, is a quadrilateral with two pairs of adjacent, congruent sides. It just so happens that that which we call a kite is generally shaped like a kite. Oh, and I own my arm-blade too. And yes, it's sort of like one of the arm-blades used by the guy from Hellboy, only sword-length, double-edged, and shaped like the Punishment's blade from FFVIII. It also slides out of my wrist instead of flipping out like his.
Note 2: I don't think Michael did it... this time. You'll see what I mean soon enough. Well, not that it matters, since he was acquitted...
Scene: What-the-hell-ever room this sht happens in. Tidus and Yuna are walking around doing... stoner things, I don't know. They're doing a lot of this, too :Sucks in air: you know, drinking smoothies? Zelda enters.
Zelda: What the hell is going on around here?
T + Y:Hold up smoothies: WE'RE FKING WASTED!
Zelda: Well, you'd better put some clothes on. I will NOT tolerate freeballin' in my castle. :There it is, greatest line EVER:
YUA:appears: Did someone just say something bad about "Freefallin'"!
Zelda: Not "Freefallin'", freeBALLIN'.
YUA: Oh. Ugh. :snaps fingers and disappears:
SoFaRo: Ladies and gentlemen, the great Your-under-arrest!
Zelda: The hell kinda name is that?
SoFaRo: Why don't you ask him next time you see him-- oh wait, he doesn't write Zelda fics...
Zelda: And why not? It's the greatest video game EVER!
SoFaRo: Blasphemy:Bitch-slaps Zelda: Final Fantasy VII is the greatest game ever!
Zelda: Hey:Kicks SoFaRo in the nuts: Don't slap me again!
SoFaRo:Squeaky: This is TEN THOUSAND TIMES worse than a slap:Falls over:
Paine:Enters: Get up, it's go time.
SoFaRo: The hell do you want?
Paine: It's time for you to get hurt.
SoFaRo: Tch, fine. :Puts on a kite and whips out the arm-blade, assuming a defensive stance.: I'm not going easy on you just 'cuz you're a girl!
Paine: Same here.
SoFaRo: Oh, you did NOT just call ME a girl:Transforms into a Fury, which is sort of like Dante and Lucia's demon forms in DMC2.:
Angel:Walks in: Your Fury form's an archangel? You f--king pussy!
SoFury: I thought that was your nickname... :Flies in and starts slashing at Paine, who starts blocking and counterattacking and all that sh-t.:
:The duel goes on for a while. Eventually, both fighters back off.:
SoFury:panting: It seems... that a battle of strength is... useless...
Paine:panting: I guess so...
SoFury: Okay, then magic it is:Flies back up into the air: FF6 Quake! (FF6's Quake is more powerful than FF8's, and it hits allies and enemies alike.)
:The spell goes off, knocking Paine around a bit:
Paine: Not bad. :Spherechanges to Dark Knight: Black Sky!
:The spell goes off and knocks SoFaRo around a LOT:
SoFury: Owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow:Transforms back into SoFaRo: Okay, so I lose. Does it make you happy now?
Paine: How dare you!
SoFaRo: How dare I what?
Paine: You made a reference to Mudvayne!
SoFaRo: So what! I happen to LIKE Mudvayne!
Paine: Really?
SoFaRo: At least, I like the two Mudvayne songs that I know... but the rest are probably good.
Paine: Of course they're good! Mudvayne is one of the greatest metal bands in the world! (I THINK they're a metal band...)
SoFaRo: I don't know all about that, so I can't really say, but they definitely rank up there with Slipknot and The Smashing Pumpkins in my book.
Paine: The Smashing Pumpkins were not metal!
SoFaRo: Yes they were! They were melodic art-metal, sort of like Dream Theater! At least, that's how they started out...
Paine: Name one metallic song they've written.
SoFaRo: I can name several! Geek U.S.A.! Siva! Silverf--k! Soma! Hummer! Rocket! And that's just off their first two albums!
Paine: If they're such great metal songs, why weren't they ever released?
SoFaRo: Because record labels are pussies!
Paine: How does that affect anything?
SoFaRo: The record labels decide which songs to release!
Paine: Are you sure?
SoFaRo: Pretty sure, why?
Paine: No reason. Hey, do you like (Insert name of obscure metal band here)
SoFaRo: Umm, I don't know. I probably would if I heard one of their songs. Do you like (Insert name of fairly well-known punk, metal, grunge, or other such band here)?
Paine: Yeah, they're pretty good.
:They go on like this for a while:
Tidus: Whoa!
Yuna: What?
Tidus: I'm trippin' my nuts off! I'm trippin' my nuts off!
Yuna: Stop SAYING that!
Tidus: Okay... Man, my head hurts.
Yuna: Mine too. (Can you GET a hangover from marijuana?)
Zelda: That's what happens when you partake in brain-damaging activities.
Tidus: Yeah, yeah...
SoFaRo: Oh, don't even get me STARTED on the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, I HATE them!
Tidus: What?
Paine: Yeah, they really suck! They're all show and no substance!
SoFaRo: I know! I think they're part of some government conspiracy to reduce all music into nothing but interpretive performance art!
Paine: Seriously--
:Suddenly, Brak enters out of nowhere.
Brak:Wearing green, with an Irish Accent: So, ye've forgot about ol' Seamus, have ye?
SoFaRo: Umm... I guess so. I never knew I KNEW anyone named Seamus.
Paine: Wait. :checks the script: Isn't his name Brak?
Brak: Aye. (Wait, is it the Irish or the Scottish that say "aye"?)
Paine: It says here you're supposed to sing a song, then leave.
Brak: Lemme see that... :Takes the script: mmm-hmmm... oh yeah!
SoFaRo: All right, let's start this scene over. :Snaps fingers: Rico!
Rico:Holds up the slate thingy: Brak enters out of nowhere, take 2. :Click:
:Suddenly, Brak enters out of nowhere.
Brak: Oh donny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling...
SoFaRo: Brak, St. Patrick's Day is OVER, okay! Stop pretending to be Irish!
Brak: Who's pretending, boy? I AM Irish!
SoFaRo: You're drunk, get outta here.
Brak: What's the difference:Mr. Dougherty appears out of nowhere:
Mr. D: What did you just say!
Brak: I said, what's the difference betwen being Irish and being drunk?
Mr. D: Okay, that's it:Grabs a baseball bat and chases after Brak:
Brak: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SoFaRo: Yes, racists shall NOT be tolerated in my fanfics. That means YOU, Karl Rove!
K. Rove: F--k you, faggot.
SoFaRo: Homophobes shall not be tolerated either:Impales K. Rove on arm-blade and sucks out his soul in the true Raziel style. Well, he really has no soul, but eh.:
Angel:Gladius drawn: Awww, I wanted to do that. :Puts gladius away:
SoFaRo: Why, you have gay friends too?
Angel: Umm... sort of, yeah.
SoFaRo: Okay, cool.
:Red XIII and Yuffie walk in.
R. XIII: Are you SURE this is the movie theater, Yuffie?
Yuffie: No, not really. I think we might've made a wrong turn somewhere.
R. XIII: I knew we should have asked for directions...
Yuffie: Hey, if it were a sunny day we never would've gotten lost! We Ninja can find North just by using a few sticks and the Sun!
R. XIII: Yeah, yeah...
SoFaRo: What's with you two? You argue like an old married couple!
R. XIII: Well, we ARE dating...
Zelda: What the--!
Rico: Bestiality-ty-ty-ty-ty...! (That was an echo, just so you know.)
SoFaRo: Dammit Rico, now everyone back in B-town's gonna know you're Steve Ringer!
Rico: Well if they didn't, they will now, jackass!
SoFaRo: F--k you!
Rico: No, f--k YOU!
Both: Hmph:SoFaRo and Rico turn their backs on one another.:
Yuffie: Now who fights like an old married couple?
Both: F--K YOU TOO!
Yuffie:Shrugs: Tch, whatever. Come on, Red, let's go.
Zelda: Hey, I have a movie theater. If you perverts are gonna be permanent additions to this fic, you can watch something in there. :To SoFaRo: Are they gonna be?
SoFaRo: Sure, why not?
Zelda: Okay. :To the perverts: AND NO PORN!
Link:Enters: Um... Saria and Mido took all your porn, Zelda.
Zelda: God-DAMN horny kids! (Don't ask me why I felt it necessary to hyphenate "god-damn") :Smacks Link: How could you let them take it, they're underage!
Link: Dude, Saria's older than me.
Zelda: Well, it's still illegal! I don't wanna be charged with giving porn to minors! What am I, Michael Jackson!
SoFaRo: At this point I would like to point out that the opinions expressed in this fic are those of the characters who expressed them, and can in no way be attributed to me. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, how do you know when Michael Jackson's having a birthday party?
Zelda:Deadpan: I don't know, how?
SoFaRo: Because of all the tricycles parked outside:Rimshot. Nobody laughs.:
Link: ...What the hell's a tricycle?
SoFaRo: Wait, you have refrigerators, but not tricycles? What the f--k kind of country is this?
Link: ...The BEST KIND!
SoFaRo: Oh, pshaw...
Link: What?
SoFaRo: I said "pshaw."
Link: What's that?
SoFaRo: It basically means "yeah, right."
Link: Okay. So, what's a tricycle?
SoFaRo: It's a vehicle with three wheels that you pedal.
Link: And what's a wheel...?
SoFaRo: Oh, now you're just trying to piss me off.
Link: No, seriously, what's a wheel?
SoFaRo: ...excuse me. :Picks up Zelda and places her in front of Link: Mmkay, Zelda, you're the sage of Wisdom, so make with the wisdom here and explain to Linky Boy what a wheel and a tricycle are.
Zelda: But... that could take hours!
SoFaRo: So?
Zelda: He has to go get my porn back from Mido and Saria!
SoFaRo: ...Exactly what kind of porn is it?
Zelda: Well... it's really hentai...
SoFaRo: Oh? What kind?
Zelda: ...StarFox...
SoFaRo: Oh, you like that stuff too? Awesome.
Link: Wait, why would you look at StarFox hentai?
Zelda: Mumbles
Link: What?
Zelda: Because I HAPPEN to think Fox is HOT, OKAY!
Yuffie: And you call us perverts!
SoFaRo: Umm... technically, you are.
R. XIII: No more than she is!
SoFaRo: It's technically not bestiality if the "animal" in question is anthropomorphic.
Angel: EXCUSE ME! MAY I ASK WHY I HAVEN'T HAD ANY LINES FOR THE PAST 12.55364372865 MINUTES!
SoFaRo: Oh, my bad! Here's one. :"Stud voice": Hey baby, you ever done it with a psychopath
before? You know what they say, once you go crazy you never go back.
Angel:Deadpan: Oh, I'm smitten. Take me now.
SoFaRo: Hey, you asked for a line.
Angel:Thinks for a second, then grins evilly: Actually, that line was SO bad, I think you deserve to be punished. :Grabs SoFaRo by the arm and drags him to her room:
SoFaRo: NOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T GO IN FOR THAT KIND OF SH-T!
Zelda: ...a match made in heaven.
2bc!
Oh yeah, before I go, here are some questions that may or may not be answered in the next chapter:
What the hell is Brak smoking!
Where can I get some?
Have Red XIII and Yuffie gotten to second base?
Will Zelda ever get her porn back?
All this and more, on the next episode of:
PLOTS
WEREN'T
PROVIDED!
See you space cowboy...
