Disclaimer – Stephenie Meyers owns all things Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.
A special thanks goes out to my beta, shelikesthesound.
Chapter 9
The Hangover
BPOV
Edward was speaking to me again, and he'd apologized for not being who I'd needed during the time right after I'd lost the baby. However, that just wasn't enough. He seemed to think that just saying, "I'm sorry," made everything all right, that all of the hurt would be gone, but it wasn't. It couldn't be, because the hurt ran too deep. The foundation of my relationship with Edward had been shaken to its core. Everything he was saying was the sort of thing I expected him to say to get out of the fight we were in. I didn't know if he meant it or not.
We were making an attempt to appear to be together at school. It wasn't anyone's business that we were having such a major problem with our marriage. It just gave people like that little Jill permission to move in on Edward. I guess I was still possessive of him because I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else being with him, even if I couldn't stand the thought of me being with him at this moment. I knew I still loved him; I just didn't like him very much at the moment.
Friday came around, and we had a home game. I sat on the sidelines with the cheerleaders as Mrs. Hall's assistant. We won the game 56 to 3. Edward and Jasper did very well, and I'm sure the scouts were happy with what they saw. When the game was over, I waited at our tree for Edward to come out of the field house.
It took some time, but eventually he and Jasper came out. They walked over to Alice and me and asked us if we wanted to go to the after game party. I told Edward that I really had no desire to go. I was tired and wanted to go to bed, but he could go to the party if he wanted to. He decided to go home with me. He was tired, too. Alice and Jasper decided to go to the party. They said they'd be over afterwards, so we said we'd leave the door open for them.
They offered to sleep somewhere else, but we told them they could stay with us for the weekend. We went home, and I got my shower. Edward had already had one at the field house. We talked some about the game and the possibility of scouts being there. We'd started talking about where we wanted to go to college. We thought about going to the University of Washington. The school was good, and we could both major in our chosen specialty, pre-med. We didn't know if we wanted to go to UW for med school, but their pre-med program was okay. We would also be relatively close to our parents if we needed a baby sitter. Edward said we could always hire someone to be a nanny during our classes, and then we would take care of the baby after we got home.
When we went to bed, Edward leaned over to kiss me, and I allowed him to give me a chaste kiss. When he moved to deepen the kiss, I pulled away.
"No, Edward. I'm not ready to go there, yet. I'm still not ready to forgive you."
"Bella, this is ridiculous. I told you that I'm sorry I wasn't there the way you needed me to be. What else can I do? I love you, and I know you love me, too. We've gotta move forward, and you've gotta forgive me for not being what you needed me to be, or we'll never get over this."
"It's not as easy as just saying, 'I'm sorry, and I love you, so everything is okay,' Edward."
"Why not? Why are you holding onto all this hurt?"
"I don't know. I just know that it's not that easy to let it go."
"Bella, you hurt me, too, but I'm willing to let it go to save our marriage. I love you enough to let it go. We're gonna make mistakes. We can't hold them against each other if we're gonna work out,"
"It just doesn't work that way with me, Edward. I can't just forget."
"Fine. I'm going out." Edward said. He went into the closet and got dressed. He left the room and the house. He drove away, leaving me home alone. I didn't know where he was going, and I didn't really care. I just wanted to be alone.
I got into bed and curled up into a ball. The tears started streaming down my face as I wondered why it was so difficult for me to let go of what had happened. Edward was right in theory. I should be able to forgive him for it if I loved him, and I did love him, more than life itself. I just couldn't get past the fact that he didn't feel anything for the baby we'd lost. I couldn't. It was like I was seeing a whole new side of him that I didn't like. I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up alone in my bed. I got up and ran to the bathroom, sick to my stomach. The bathroom was empty, and when I was done, I rinsed out my mouth and went into the living room where I found Edward asleep in his clothes on the couch. He smelled of alcohol which was unusual for him. He never drank. I looked outside and noticed that our car wasn't there. Thank God he hadn't driven home the night before. He must have ridden home with Alice and Jasper.
I went into the kitchen and took my nausea medication. Then I sat down at the kitchen table and drank some juice. I didn't keep it down. I ran to the bathroom, and I guess I woke Edward up, because when I came back into the kitchen, he was standing there with a bottle of water. He looked at me, but he didn't say anything.
"You were drinking last night?" I asked.
He nodded.
"Why? You know what would've happened if you'd been caught," I said.
He shrugged.
"You're back to not talking to me?" I asked.
"Why not, Bella? You can't get over it. Why should I keep trying?" he asked.
"I don't know, Edward. I can't stand the silent treatment. I can't stand knowing you've done something so stupid. I do still love you."
"You don't show it," he said, and he turned and left the room. I leaned against the counter and hit it with my fist. One step forward and two steps back. It seemed that was the way our lives were going. It wasn't that I didn't want to forgive him for his attitude...I did. I just couldn't forget the way he so callously got over our baby's death. It was a side of him I didn't know existed. It was a side of him I didn't like at all. I didn't know there was anything about Edward that I didn't love with my whole heart, so it had come as an utter shock. I wasn't able to just let it go. I didn't know why because there was nothing I wanted more at this moment in time than for him to take me into his arms and make love to me. I wanted to be his again, but the thought of him touching me or hearing his voice made me cringe. I screamed and took the glass I'd been drinking out of and threw it against the wall. It shattered, sending glass shards scattering across the cabinet and the floor.
Edward came running into the room and saw me standing there amidst all of the broken glass. He was barefooted like I was.
"Don't come in here. There's glass everywhere," I said.
He nodded and walked back out of the room. I bent over and started picking up the pieces of glass that were around my feet. A minute or two later, Edward came back into the kitchen with a pair of shoes on, and he handed me a pair of my shoes.
"Put these on," he said. I leaned into a clean spot on the counter and put on the shoes. Then Edward came into the room with the broom. He started sweeping the shards of glass into a pile. "What happened?" he asked.
"I threw the glass," I said.
"Are you cut?" he asked.
"No, I'm fine," I said.
"Okay." He helped me clean up the mess in silence. When all of the glass was gone, he took the garbage bag to the outside trash. Afterwards, he came back in and looked me in the eye.
"Were you trying to hurt yourself?" he asked.
"No. I was just angry," I said.
"Okay." He walked away, back into the den, without saying another word.
Alice walked into the kitchen and came up to me. "When are you two gonna work this out. This is ridiculous."
"I know. I know. I just can't seem to get over the fact that he's being so callous."
"He's trying to work things out with you. You're gonna have to get over it. He was miserable last night. He just got drunk, and he wouldn't talk or dance with anyone. He just sat there and drank himself silly."
"Well, I'm glad he didn't dance with anyone. I'd have to kill him if he had. And as far as talking to girls goes, he'd better be glad he didn't do that either."
"He wouldn't even dance with me, Bella. I was trying to get him away from the alcohol. All he wanted to do was get wasted."
"Well, I'm pissed that he got so drunk. Where's the car?"
"We made him leave it there. I drove us home. Jasper can take him back to get it today."
"Well, thank God he didn't try to drive home."
"That's just the thing, Bella. He did try to drive home. He was in the car when we stopped him. We had to fight him for the keys."
"That's not like him."
"That's what I'm telling you. This whole situation has to stop. Both of you are under way too much stress! This isn't good for him; this isn't good for you; and this definitely isn't good for the baby."
"I'm trying. I want to be in the same room as him. I want to talk to him. I just don't want him to touch me. The problem is that when I try to talk to him, we always end up fighting."
"How long has it been since you two have been together?"
"Since we found out we were pregnant."
"That long?"
"Yeah. We've been fighting that long. I haven't let him touch me since the Monday when we lost the baby. He didn't react well, and I blew up at him."
"How many more of our problems are you gonna tell her, Bella?" Edward asked from the open doorway, and he turned and walked away. I watched him go and heard the backdoor open and slam shut.
"Go after him," Alice said.
"No, it's my business if I talk to my best friend about what's bothering me," I said.
"No, not if he doesn't want you to talk about it. He's always been a very private person about your relationship. Go after him and talk to him! Make this right!" Alice said.
I nodded. I walked out of the kitchen and followed Edward outside. He was sitting in a lawn chair with his face on his hands. He didn't look up when I came outside.
"Edward, I'm sorry I was talking to Alice about our problems. She's trying to tell me that I'm being ridiculous about holding the baby against you. I know that I am. It's just, I've never found anything about you I didn't like, and this is something I couldn't live with. I don't know what else to do. I want you back, but I'm scared because of what I'm feeling towards you."
"Bella, I've got one hell of a hangover, and I can't think about this right now. You do what you wanna do. You're gonna do it anyway. You know how I feel about these things. You're just gonna have to live with the consequences." He got up and walked into the house leaving me alone on the patio.
