A/N: Thank you all for continuing to review, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Harley had gotten used to waking up curled around Pam over the last week. (Or at least as used to it as she was ever going to get considering it was Pamela Isley she was waking up next to. She still couldn't quite believe it.) But this morning felt very different. More intimate in a way Harley couldn't really put her finger on.
Maybe it was the fact that they'd gone to bed sharing gentle kisses up until the moment they'd both closed their eyes and given in to sleep. Or the fact that they were so tangled together this morning that Harley was having trouble moving without risking waking Pam. Or maybe it was the fact that she'd just barely woken and more than anything, more than breathing, she just wanted to kiss Pam again. She wanted to explore her body, to worship this gorgeous woman lying next to her.
She squirmed with want, heat flooding through her as she watched Pam's peaceful face. It was rare for Harley to wake up before Pam, so she jumped on the opportunity to study the other woman, commit every detail of her face and body to memory.
Pam's brow twitched as she dreamed, her long lashes fluttering slightly. A light dusting of freckles covered her cheeks and, Harley now noticed, the tops of her shoulders. Her thick red hair was splayed out in waves on her pillow and Harley buried her nose in the curls, breathing in the fresh lavender scent. Seriously, how did she always smell so good?
Unable to contain herself any longer, Harley nuzzled against the curve of Pam's neck, nipping gently at the skin just below her ear and then letting her lips wander across her jaw, down to the hollow of her throat. She trailed soft kisses along Pam's collar, nudging the fabric of her shirt aside for better access.
Pam inhaled deeply, her chest expanding and lifting Harley's head so suddenly that she burst into a fit of giggles. Her exhale was shaky, interrupted by a deep chuckle as Harley squirmed back up her body and attacked her neck with kisses once more.
"Good morning." There was a smile in her voice as it rumbled against Harley's lips.
"Morphn'." Harley's reply was muffled. She raised her lips back to the skin just below Pam's ear and blew gently. Pam flinched away, tucking her chin to her chest and releasing a giggle-snort that Harley had never heard before. But the sound was so unbearably adorable that Harley couldn't help blowing against her skin again, hoping for the same reaction. She got it.
Pam laughed and struggled to escape Harley's grasp. But the blonde kept her pinned, rolling on top of her and pressing Pam into the mattress.
"Ticklish, Pammy?" She didn't wait for a response, bowing her head and pressing her lips to Pam's chest. Pam's hand slipped through her hair and tugged gently as Harley peppered kisses against the skin of her collarbone.
She moved lower, kissing Pam over the fabric of her shirt, her heart throbbing in her chest as she neared the swell of Pam's breasts. Suddenly, the world spun and she was on her back, Pam hovering over her. Her gaze was tender, affectionate, and full of something else Harley couldn't name.
Pam stroked wild blonde hair away from Harley's face, letting her fingers trail across Harley's cheek and down her neck, where they lingered against her pulse point. Pam leaned towards her, smiling when Harley's heartbeat quickened beneath her fingertips. And then she closed the distance between them.
Pam's kiss was somehow gentle and overwhelming at the same time. Her tongue probed Harley's lips and the blonde parted them eagerly. She moaned as Pam's tongue glided across her own, her hands wandering along Harley's body, gently caressing every inch of her.
Slowly, she lowered her weight and Harley welcomed her, wrapping her legs around Pam's waist, their hips pressed flush together. Harley slipped her hands beneath Pam's thin shirt, lightly dragging her nails down her back.
Oh my god! This is happening. Sex. Sex is about to happen. The rush of blood filled Harley's ears. Her mind was spinning, lust clouding her thoughts. I get to have this. I get to have her.
Suddenly, she felt Pam stiffen and pull away from the kiss. Harley tried to meet her eyes, but Pam ducked her head, hiding her face in the crook of Harley's neck and panting lightly. Confused by her sudden hesitation, Harley pushed her hips experimentally against Pam's. The sensation was incredible, even through the thin material of her pajama pants. Harley's eyes fluttered closed and she rocked her hips against Pam's again, only to feel her pulling away. She reached for Harley's thighs, gently untangling them from around her waist and rolling until she lay beside Harley instead of on top of her.
Harley stared at her, confusion and hurt etched on her face. The insecurities that had kept her from confessing her feelings to Pam in the first place began to bubble to the surface.
Does she not…. want me?
"We have to get ready for work soon," Pam explained when she saw the hurt in Harley's expression. She reached out to tuck a lock of hair behind Harley's ear, a tight smile stretching her reddened lips. "If we don't slow down, I won't be leaving this bed all day."
Harley didn't believe her. Despite her smile, the calmness in her voice, there was a look in her eye that Harley found disconcerting. Almost like that of a cornered animal.
Pressing a chaste kiss to Harley's cheek, Pam slipped out of bed and reached for her robe. But not before Harley's eyes slid to her perfect rear, accentuated by the lacy green panties she wore. Harley looked away quickly, focusing on the ceiling instead.
She waited until Pam left the bedroom, trying to temper the desire still running rampant through her body. She wanted Pam, the heat pooling between her thighs was evidence enough of that. And after everything they'd confessed, after everything that had happened between them, Harley could have sworn Pam wanted the same thing. So, why the hesitation? It was possible that Pam really was just being time conscientious, that would certainly be in character for her. But Harley couldn't shake the look in her eyes. Like she'd been afraid. Repulsed. Confused. All at once.
After another few frustrating minutes, Harley decided to dowse herself in a cold shower before joining Pam in the kitchen. Throwing off the covers, she shuffled to the bathroom, drowning her concerns and fears in the rush of water. Or trying to at least. But by the time she stepped out of the shower, she was just as muddled as she'd been before. Sighing, she trudged to join Pam in the kitchen, resigning herself to a day of frustration.
/
Pam parted ways with Harley outside the flower shop, wrapping her arms around the blonde's waist and kissing her briefly before she left, hoping to assuage the confusion she knew she'd stirred within Harley that morning. As nonchalant as she'd tried to pretend to be during breakfast, Pam knew she'd upset Harley.
She hadn't meant to. She'd wanted to continue. She'd been dreaming of the moment she could give herself to Harley in the most important way, but once it arrived, she'd panicked.
All she'd felt were his hands, heard his voice. She hadn't been able to shake him from her mind, to differentiate Harley's body from his, and she'd very nearly lost control. If Harley ever saw that… saw the way she broke down when she fell too deep into her memories… Pam didn't know what she'd think, or do. And she didn't want to find out.
It'll be fine, she tried to convince herself as she unlocked the door. Just tell her you need to take things slow. That will give you some time to….
To what? To magically heal from the emotional and psychological scars Woodrue had left? It wouldn't be that easy, Pam knew that. But right now, she didn't have any answers.
She buried herself in her work to keep her mind from spinning. And she was successful, for a while. Mrs. Pembroke came in around noon and chatted her ear off, which wasn't a bad distraction either. By the end of the day, Pam was rather proud of how effectively she'd managed to ignore her own thoughts. Unfortunately, Harley wouldn't be done with work for another hour or so, and that left Pam with a dangerous lack of distraction.
So she made her way to Barbara's café. The smell of roasted coffee beans and baked goods flooded her senses the moment she walked in the door, melting the tension from her shoulders. Barbara spotted Pam immediately and waved her over to the counter. She smiled when she drew closer and saw that Barbara was quivering with excitement… and probably dozens of suppressed questions.
"How are you?" she blurted when Pam was close enough. "It's been days. I hadn't heard anything from you. I was starting to worry. How's Harley? Did she talk to Jay? Is she okay? How-"
Pam chuckled, holding up a hand to stem the flow of questions. "It's a bit of a story. Do you have some time to talk?"
"Absolutely, just give me a few minutes," Barbara said, nodding towards the small group of teenagers that had just ambled through the front door.
Pam took a seat at one of the nearby tables, scanning the store and its patrons as she waited for Barbara. Her phone buzzed suddenly in her pocket and Pam felt a small thrill shoot through her when she saw Harley's name on the screen.
hi you're amazing and gorgeous and im sorry about this morning :(
A wave of guilt washed over Pam. Of course Harley would blame herself for Pam's hesitation. Of course she would.
You have nothing to apologize for, Daffodil.
The nickname would reassure her. It always did.
:) 3
Barbara wheeled her way to the table before Pam could continue her conversation with Harley. What she'd said would have to be enough, for now.
"So," Barbara began, setting a tea in front of Pam and clapping her hands together. "What's been going on? Tell me everything."
It took a long time for Pam to explain everything that had happened since Harley had decided to stay, but Barbara was enraptured, her eyes never straying from Pam's face. Finally, when she'd finished detailing Harley's confrontation with Jay, Barbara blew out the breath she'd been holding.
"Good for Harley. That was brave. And she hasn't had any trouble with him since?"
"We'll see," Pam said. "It's only her second day back."
Barbara nodded slowly. "And now… You two are…."
Dating, girlfriends, together? Pam found herself unable to answer. She and Harley hadn't had a chance to talk about what they were now. They were something, clearly. But Pam wanted them to have a conversation before she began broadcasting their relationship.
Under the scrutiny of Barbara's stare, she finally settled on, "We're moving forward more… intimately than we were before."
Barbara snorted. "That's a weird way of saying you're dating."
Pam blushed, buying time by taking another sip of tea. "Well, we haven't talked about it yet. I don't want to push her into anything she might not be ready for."
"Pam, she's head over heels for you," Barbara said with a sly grin. "And I'd venture to say that you feel the same way. So, by all means, have the conversation. Ask the question. But I think you already know the answer."
Pam couldn't help but smile. "Have you ever thought of leaving the coffee shop and picking a career more suited to your capabilities?"
Barbara laughed. "Like, professional advice giver?"
"From what I understand, the term is 'therapist'."
She laughed again and shook her head. "I think I'll stick to coffee. At least for now."
Pam's phone buzzed again, making both women startle.
where r u?
Finishing up with Barbara. Meet me at home?
Oki doki There was a pause and then another buzz. Ask her about Dinah Lance!
Pam chuckled and set her phone down, directing her attention to Barbara. "You should know that Harley has been made aware of your connection to Dinah Lance."
"Oh boy," Barbara's grin widened. "Dinah's cool. I could probably get her to sign something… I think actually introducing them might be a little too… dangerous. For Dinah anyway."
/
It was dark by the time Pam reached the apartment. But not too dark for her to see Harley huddled on their doorstep, her knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around them.
"Harley?" Her head popped up when she heard Pam's voice. "What are you doing out here?"
Harley scrambled to her feet, straightening her shorts and shirt, trying to hide the embarrassed blush coloring her cheeks.
"I uh… I… maybe lost my key?" Harley admitted with a guilty shrug.
Sighing, Pam moved to unlock the door with her own key. "Did you put it in the cubby last night?"
"I thought I did!" Harley insisted, searching through the little cubby by the shoe rack as soon as Pam opened the door. She came up empty handed. "Nada." A frown crept onto her face and she stared down at her toes. "I'm real sorry, Red."
Pam smiled fondly and moved to wrap Harley in her arms, but the blonde flinched when she reached out. Pam pulled back, confused, until she remembered that Harley had mentioned she often lost the key to her old apartment with Jay. Had he ever punished her for that? Was it a sore spot? Did she genuinely think Pam was mad? Or that she'd ever hurt her?
"We'll get you a new one," Pam said softly, opening her arms and allowing Harley to bound into them on her own. "And maybe something to keep you from losing it again," she added, kissing the top of Harley's head to ensure the blonde knew she wasn't angry. That she wasn't Jay.
Harley squeezed her tightly, nuzzling her face against Pam's neck and murmuring, "I missed you today."
Her warm breath sent shivers down Pam's spine. She closed her eyes, burying her face in fine blonde hair as Harley's lips ghosted against her ear. And Pam realized, in that moment, just how much she'd missed Harley too. She'd never considered herself a codependent person. And she'd been so busy trying to distract herself at work that she hadn't noticed the tug. But now, holding Harley in her arms, she never wanted to let go. Holding her felt like breathing. Like living.
"And I'm real sorry about this mornin' too," she said, pulling away from Pam to look her in the eye.
"I told you that you don't need to apologize," Pam replied, kissing Harley's forehead. She didn't look convinced so Pam continued. "I just thought that… after what happened with Jay, and the fact that there's a period of adjustment that we'll both have to deal with now that you and I are… Well, now that we…"
God, why is this so hard? Stop blushing. Just say it. Answer the question.
"That we're… together," Pam finished, finally. The word didn't feel like enough, but Harley seemed pleased. She beamed and tightened her grip around Pam's waist. "I just thought it might be wise to take things slow."
Now Harley looked confused. She cocked her head, pigtails swaying. "Slow?"
"Y-yes." Pam couldn't understand why she was getting so tongue tied, but it was beyond frustrating. "At least on the physical side of things. For now."
Finally, Harley seemed to understand. "I gotcha, Red. Loud and clear. No bumpin' uglies."
Pam's mouth fell open. "Harley!"
Harley broke into a fit of laughter that had her doubled over in Pam's arms. Pam joined her after a moment, adding to the laughter by running her fingers up and down Harley's sides. Her laugh was clear and high and absolutely infectious and Pam's cheeks hurt by the time they'd managed to calm themselves.
"Did you have any trouble with Jay today?" Pam asked, leading a still giddy Harley into the kitchen.
"Nope!" Harley leapt up onto the counter, watching as Pam scrubbed away the dirt from the flower shop that clung to her hands. "Didn't even see him come outta his office. And Floyd was with me the whole day anyway."
Good. Let it stay that way.
Pam nodded solemnly, purposefully flicking a few droplets of water at Harley as she reached for a hand towel. The blonde squeaked and flinched, pulling the collar of her shirt up to shield her face. She peered at Pam through her shirt armor, blue eyes narrowing menacingly. Pam's lips lifted into a smirk as Harley tugged her shirt back into place, her face pulling into a pout.
"I'm gonna get you for that one, Red."
"I'd like to see you try," Pam teased, narrowing her eyes right back at Harley. The blonde's mock anger faded almost immediately and she giggled, reaching for the faucet and flicking a few water droplets back at Pam. She batted Harley's hands away, a small chuckle escaping her.
"Hey, Red?" Harley's voice was suddenly serious. She paused before continuing, wiping her damp hands on her shorts. "You said… At the door… That we were…."
Harley trailed off, but Pam smiled, finding an odd sense of comfort in the fact that Harley seemed to have just as much trouble putting their relationship into words as she did.
"You said we were 'together'." She paused again, staring unblinkingly at Pam. "So… Are you…" She cleared her throat and pursed her lips, looking frustrated with herself. "Am I your-"
"We don't have to-"
"-Girlfriend?"
They spoke at the same time, blinking at one another. Harley broke first, giggling lightly and Pam followed suit. Sobering, she nudged Harley's legs apart, settling herself between them and resting her hands against her smooth thighs. "I don't want to push you into another relationship if you're not ready, Harl. You just ended things with Jay and I know it must be a little overwhelming to consider-"
Harley cut her off, shaking her head rapidly. "No! No. You're not pushing me into anything. I do want you." She blushed, a shy smile creeping onto her face. "I've wanted you for a long time now."
Pam couldn't help but smile too. "If you're comfortable…"
"I am!"
"Then yes," Pam said, sliding her hands up Harley's thighs to rest on her waist. "Together, girlfriends, dating. Whatever you like."
Harley's grin was almost blinding. Wordlessly, she slung her arms around Pam's shoulders and kissed her deeply.
I'm yours.
/
Dick Grayson was a talker. Harley had learned that the first time she'd met him at the circus, but it was even more evident now that he'd been stuck in the chair for almost two hours. Harley didn't mind though. She enjoyed talking to her clients, especially now when she needed something to keep herself from spiraling. Pam had been growing increasingly anxious over the past couple of days.
She would instigate things, kisses, touches. Only to withdraw the second Harley began to push for more. She had no issue with Pam's desire to take things slow. What did concern her was the wild look in Pam's eyes that surfaced every time things got heated. The anxiety that Harley had no explanation for. It frightened her to think that Pam was retreating because of something she'd done. Harley didn't have any more time to ponder the idea as Dick began blabbering again.
"You know what a robin symbolizes?"
"Nope," Harley mumbled, her tongue poking out between her lips as she pushed the tattoo gun along the outline of a tiny robin beak.
"Renewal, rebirth, joy," Dick explained, his eyes glued to Harley's hand. "I like to think I'm a pretty happy guy. Always looking to improve myself, 'renew' myself. Plus, you know, I figured, what with the name 'Flying Grayson', a bird just fit."
"I think it's a great idea," Harley agreed, sitting back and cocking her head to admire her handiwork. She held up a mirror for Dick to see his new tattoo as well. He grinned, his eyes roaming over the trail of little robins that ran up his right bicep.
"Looks great! I love it. Babs is gonna flip." Harley accepted Dick's high five and set about dressing the raw skin around his tattoo. "Hey so, she told me you're staying with the flower girl next door."
"Yup, I'm stayin' with Red."
"Red? Is that her name?"
"Nah, it's plant lady," Floyd called from his own work station. Dick's face scrunched up in confusion.
"It's Pam," Chato clarified, shaking his head. "Ignore the peanut gallery."
Dick snickered and turned back to Harley. "How's that going? You two are…. a thing, yeah?"
Harley's chest swelled as she remembered the conversation they'd had just a few nights ago. "Yeah, we're together."
"Harley snagged herself the hottest chick in Gotham," Floyd continued, ignoring Chato. "I don't know how she did it."
"It's my natural charisma!"
Floyd snorted. "I dunno about that. Charisma? Sympathy, maybe."
Floyd's joke struck a chord buried not so deep within Harley. Was that why Pam had done all that she had for her? Did her feelings not extend beyond sympathy? It could explain her reluctance to engage in any real intimacy. She didn't realize she'd been frowning until Dick asked, "You alright?"
"Oh yeah, I'm fine," she said, plastering on a smile. "Sorry. So remember to keep the dressing on for a few hours, be careful when you wash it, and don't forget to use that ointment. 'Kay?"
"You got it boss," Dick said, stretching his arm as soon as Harley finished dressing it. "Thanks Harley, seriously. This looks amazing."
Harley beamed, grateful she'd made a new friend in Dick, grateful he'd distracted her for the better part of two hours, grateful that he liked to chatter almost as much as she did. Luckily, she had another client lined up and ready to take Dick's place in the chair. She could continue avoiding her thoughts for another few hours, unless Floyd decided to run his mouth again.
"Hey Floyd," Harley called. Floyd looked up from his workbench. Harley raised her middle finger, sticking out her tongue and laughing when he tossed a roll of bandages at her.
/
For almost an entire week, Pam managed to circumnavigate the tension between them. Despite Harley's promise to avoid 'bumping uglies', she insisted on sleeping as close to Pam as she possibly could, and there were more than a few moments between them where chaste kisses escalated into something more heated. The battle between Pam's desire and her panic never lasted long though. Not only was she growing frustrated with herself, but physically she often went to bed itching to touch the girl lying next to her. But touching her would lead to kissing her which would lead, inevitably, to the same fear that threatened to drown her every time things escalated.
And Pam knew she wasn't the only one who was frustrated. It filled her with guilt to know she couldn't give Harley what she wanted. But to her credit, Harley kept to her word, allowing Pam to set the pace of their intimacy. Even still, it only took a week before the tension between them snapped like a wire.
They sat together in front of the TV, falling into the same routine they'd set almost every night since Harley had moved in. Pam sat at one end of the sofa, reading her book, while Harley snuggled against her side, her attention on some colorful cartoon that played on the TV.
"It's not fair," Harley murmured.
"What's not fair, Daffodil?" Pam asked, absently drawing patterns on Harley's thigh with her fingertips.
"These." She tapped the rim of Pam's reading glasses and sidled a little closer. "They make it really hard."
"Hard?" A slow smile lit up Pam's face as she caught on to the purr in Harley's voice
"Mhmm." She brushed her lips across Pam's jaw. "Hard to stop myself from kissing you senseless."
A shiver ran through Pam and judging from the way Harley smirked, she'd felt it. She leaned closer, laying one hand over the book resting in Pam's lap and suddenly shoving it to the floor. Pam opened her mouth to protest, but Harley was already pushing her back against the cushions.
She hovered above Pam on all fours, her hands braced outside the red head's shoulders, the ends of her pigtails tickling Pam's cheeks.
She hesitated, her breath quivering past her lips, wide blue eyes glued to Pam's. Very slowly, Pam reached up and set her glasses aside in preparation for what she knew was about to happen. Harley's tongue darted out to wet her lips, her eyes darkening.
"So whaddya say, Red? Can I kiss you?"
Pam didn't reply with words. Instead, she pushed herself onto her elbows and pressed her lips to Harley's. The kiss started out chaste enough, it always did. But then the itch, the hunger, returned and Pam craved more.
She threaded one hand into Harley's golden hair, tilting her chin to deepen the kiss. There was a short gasp, although honestly she wasn't sure which of them made the noise, and then she felt the scrape of teeth against her bottom lip. The sensation sent another pleasant shiver down her spine.
Pam couldn't hold back the small moan that escaped when Harley's tongue brushed against her lips. The moment she parted them, she felt Harley's tongue slide against her own, her hands coming up to tangle in Pam's red curls.
Harley lowered herself until Pam could feel every inch of her body pressed against her own. She took the opportunity to trail her hands down Harley's sides, memorizing the feel of her, mapping every curve. Her hands found their way under the hem of Harley's jeans, past her panties, and she stroked her fingers across the smooth skin of Harley's rear.
Harley whimpered against Pam's lips and the sound sent a jolt straight to her center. There wasn't much room to work with on the small couch, but Harley shifted smoothly and suddenly Pam felt a leg slide between her own. Pam's hips jerked upward, seeking friction that Harley was happy to provide. She leaned into her knee, earning another wanton moan from Pam as she squeezed Harley's toned backside.
Harley pulled away from the kiss suddenly, and made her way across Pam's cheek, down her jaw to her neck where she began sucking little bruises into Pam's skin. She hissed with pleasure as Harley's tongue worked in tangent with her thigh.
"Harley…." Pam panted her name as the blonde's hand snaked its way up her shirt. Harley hummed in response, her fingers skimming the underside of Pam's bra. Suddenly, it wasn't Harley's hands and lips working over her body.
A deep voice sounded in her ear, followed by rapid, forceful grunts. Large rough hands clawed at her body, raking across her skin. A force too powerful to shake held her down and she was crying, shouting, struggling. She felt like she was suffocating, slowly being crushed as darkness invaded the corners of her vision. Gasping, she came back to reality, bracing her hands against Harley's shoulders and pushing. Harley leaned back immediately, her blue eyes dark. She didn't speak, but her face was twisted into one giant question mark.
"Harley, I…" Pam swallowed thickly in an attempt to compose herself. She struggled to find a way to explain the war between her body and mind. She wanted this, she was aching for Harley, her body screaming for them to continue. But her mind couldn't shake the image of Woodrue hovering above her, violating her, leaving her broken and trembling on a table.
"Pam?" Harley was sitting up now, her weight settled against Pam's hips. The sensation made her dizzy. She looked up at Harley, her heart still throbbing in her chest and her breath coming in short pants.
"I'm sorry. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The words tumbled out of her in a quivering mess.
Don't do this. Don't break down. Breathe. You can handle this.
But the tears were already streaming down her cheeks. Harley looked horrified. Clearly under the impression that she'd been the cause of Pam's tears.
"I'm sorry," she said again, hating the way her voice quavered. Hating how she couldn't control herself.
This is Harley. Not him. It's Harley.
"What's wrong?" Harley asked tentatively. She leaned back, bracing to remove herself from Pam's lap, but Pam stopped her, gripping Harley's hips and pulling her back down.
Guilt overwhelmed her, making the tears come faster. Harley had done nothing wrong, but Pam couldn't find the breath to explain what was happening to her. She didn't know what to do and the loss of self-control was sending her into a tailspin.
Finally, she managed to choke out his name.
And Harley understood. She wrapped her arms around Pam's shoulders, cradling her against her chest and pressing a few gentle kisses to her hair.
"It's okay. Please don't cry, Red," she murmured, her voice sounded breathy and small. "We can stop. It's okay."
Pam clung to Harley, fingernails digging into her back, and sobbed. She was guilt-ridden, disgusted with herself, panicked. But above all else she was ashamed she'd let Harley see her break. She continued to whisper apologies over and over again until they seemed to blend together and Pam wasn't sure if she was even speaking aloud anymore. If it weren't for Harley, who held her and stroked her hair and murmured words of comfort, Pam would have been lost to the throes of her own mind, a victim of the memories.
"Pam." It threw her once again, to hear Harley use her name in place of a nickname. "Please stop. You don't have to be sorry."
Only then did Pam realize she was still muttering apologies.
"It's okay," she said again. Fleetingly, Pam wondered how Harley was managing to remain so calm. She'd half expected Harley to burst into tears with her. She drew back slightly, cupping Pam's cheeks and gazing down at her tenderly. "I'm sorry I pushed you."
And then Pam saw the unshed tears sparkling in Harley's blue eyes. She shook her head quickly, burying her face against Harley's neck and mumbling against her skin. "It's not your fault."
It's mine. It's mine…. This is my fault.
Harley let her sniffle in silence for a few more minutes, continuing to run her fingers through her hair. The gesture was soothing, and Pam soon found herself drooping against Harley, exhausted, beaten.
"I think… I think it might help you to see someone, Red," Harley said quietly. Pam pulled back, trying to escape Harley's arms, but the girl kept her trapped against her chest. "There's nothin' wrong with askin' for help. You told me that yourself, remember?"
Pam didn't need help. She could handle this on her own. She'd been on her own for months after the attack. She'd been on her own for weeks when she first moved to Gotham. She'd been on her own when the memories sometimes flooded through her late at night. She wasn't weak. She didn't need 'help'. She just needed…. What? Her relationship with Harley was already hampered and there'd been no sign of improvement. In fact, the situation she found herself in right now was proof that the panic had gotten worse.
"I know someone," Harley continued without Pam's input. "She was one of my professors back in college. She's an amazin' lady, Red. She can help you. If…" Harley pulled back again to meet Pam's gaze. "If you want it."
I don't want it. I don't need it…. I don't need help.
Pam just nodded, numb, too tired to think about what therapy would entail in its entirety. She nuzzled against Harley again, arms tightening around her waist, incredibly grateful that her panic hadn't made her want to push Harley away.
They sat that way for a long time, clinging to one another. Finally, Harley stood up, wordlessly leading Pam to the bedroom, where she helped her change and then curled underneath the covers with her. Urging Pam to turn onto her side, Harley pressed herself against Pam's back, slinging one arm over her waist and pressing gentle kisses against the back of her neck.
Harley had fallen asleep long before Pam managed to shake the last vestiges of Woodrue from her mind. But her thoughts continued to spin. Accepting help meant accepting defeat. It meant that she'd lost to Woodrue, that he'd beaten her. But without help, she risked ruining her budding relationship with Harley. Torn, exhausted, ashamed, Pam finally managed to find sleep in the wee hours of the morning.
/
It was the lack of warmth that woke Pam. Flinging out an arm, she discovered that Harley was no longer in bed. She glanced over at her alarm clock to check the time, it wasn't often Harley woke earlier than she did.
10:00 am
Pam's eyes shot open and she flew out of bed. She never overslept. And what was most concerning was that Harley had let her. Rifling through her drawers, Pam pulled out a pair of pants and the only shirt she could find that wasn't an obscenely bright color and struggled to tug them on. She stumbled out of the bedroom to see Harley standing over the kitchen stove. And that was when she smelled the spices in the air.
Harley turned around, her face lifting into a smirk when she saw Pam. "Uh… wake up on the wrong side of the bed, Pammy?"
She gestured to Pam's 'everything' with the spatula she held. Confused, Pam looked down at her clothes, only now realizing that in her panic, she'd grabbed Harley's jeans and t-shirt instead of her own. At least that explained why her pants were so snug.
Deciding to ignore the issue of the clothes for now, Pam prowled into the kitchen, her voice laced with more venom than she'd intended, "Why didn't you wake me? I'm late for work. Catching up with what needs to get done today will be impossible."
Harley flinched, clutching the spatula to her chest. "I just figured… After last night… You could use a day off."
"I don't need a day off," Pam retorted, opening the fridge and grabbing the first container she could find. Whatever Harley had cooked, she didn't have time for it. Juice would have to suffice. "I need to get to the shop."
"Well I… I made you breakfast. You hungry?"
"I'll stick with this, thank you." Pam held up her glass of orange juice and proceeded to down it so that she didn't have to see the wounded look in Harley's eyes.
Slowly, Harley turned off the stove, grabbed a small piece of paper from the kitchen table and approached Pam as carefully as she'd approach a wild animal.
"I found Joan's card." She offered the paper up to Pam, who eyed it warily. "I haven't called her yet though. I figured that was somethin' you should do. But Red, she really is the nicest lady, and she's real smart too. I know she can help you."
Snatching the card out of Harley's hands, Pam shoved it deep into her back pocket and pinned Harley underneath her glare. "I don't need help."
Harley crumpled, averting her glassy eyes to the floor. Pam didn't give in to the guilt that washed over her. She knew she was acting out in rage, in embarrassment, in sadness. But she couldn't stop herself. It felt better than showing weakness. It felt better than sobbing on the sofa until her throat went raw. Spinning on her heel, Pam left Harley in the kitchen and stomped back into the bedroom to change, making sure to slam the door behind her.
Harley flinched at the sound of the door banging, her eyes still trained on her toes. She couldn't understand how Pam had gone from a shuddering sobbing mess of tears on the couch, to angry and bitter in the span of only a few hours. And in trying to help, Harley had somehow become the target of her contempt.
Clenching her jaw, Harley went back to the eggs she'd been scrambling, prodding at them limply with the spatula. She wasn't sure how to undo the damage she'd done by suggesting Pam see someone. But she knew that she was right (if Pam's breakdown and subsequent reaction was anything to judge by). She needed support. She was dealing with demons she couldn't handle on her own. Demons Harley couldn't help her with.
Harley pursed her lips, her mind reeling, trying to think of a way to convince Pam that the right thing to do was talk with someone who could commiserate with her experience. She had to keep pushing, no matter how angry Pam got. The only way they could move forward together was if Pam faced the ghosts she'd tried to leave behind in Seattle. And somehow Harley was going to find a way to support Pam. Whatever that looked like. Pam had saved Harley when it came to her own personal battle with Jay and now it was time to return the favor.
