PART NINE
My heart was speeding. I held on to her hand with my life. All I could think about is how much I wanted her to stay. "You didn't care about me for four years. It's always been this way and none of us cared. What's changed now?" Couldn't she see? Everything's different. "I always cared. But I couldn't tell you, because you can't stand the sight of me. But you know what? I don't care about that anymore. I just wanted you to know." She looked down and shook her head, probably to try and gather her thoughts. But she didn't make me let go of her hands. I still held her tight. "Wanted me to know what, Billie Joe?" She still didn't understand? Could I be any more obvious? "I'm in love with you, Ann."
There, I said it. Now she knows. There's nothing else for me to do. "I have to go. Just…leave me alone. Please." She tried to free her hands from mine, but I didn't let go. "Don't leave me hanging like this. Say something. Anything." I couldn't let her leave now. Not like this. I just spilled my deepest feelings to her and she wanted to leave without a word. I couldn't bare that. "What am I supposed to say? I…I…" This is the part when you say "I love you too." The thought of the impossible went through my mind. It was foolish of me to expect a response from her. It was stupid of me to even open my mouth in the first place. I let go of her hands. There was nothing I could do. "I'm sorry." I took a step back. I really fucked up now. "I…I…I'm sorry too." I looked up and saw her with tears in her eyes. I could practically feel the chaos and confusion in her mind. What was she sorry for? I'm the one that ruined every fucking thing. "You did nothing wrong. I was the one that was stupid enough to…to say what I said." I could hear her deep breathing. She was trying to calm down, not quite successfully. "Don't. Don't do this to yourself. It's not worth feeling guilty over something like this." She was giving me her sympathy? As if I have some sort of disease. I stepped closer again. Maybe too close, but I didn't care. "I don't want your sympathy. This isn't something that's just gonna go away one day. Believe me, I've tried." She didn't move away. She stayed right there, so close to me. I could hardly hold myself back. "I…Josh. We…" I knew what she was trying to say. "Yeah, I've noticed. You love him." She sounded like she was apologizing. It only made me feel more pathetic. "Yeah. I do." I wanted to freak out. I felt anger and aggression grow inside me. I spoke with a rougher voice. "You love him even though he's leaving you." I could see she noticed the change in my voice. She looked almost afraid. "He's leaving to go to college. College is everything he's ever wanted. Whether we were together or not, his goal was always college. I don't expect him to give his dream up for me. I'm not worth such a sacrifice." I couldn't control myself any longer. She was under appreciating herself and that was more than I could take. I grabbed her arm with one hand and put the other one on her cheek. "If he'd leave you for college…maybe he's the one that's not worth a fight.
I lost myself in her eyes. Everything about her made me fall for her even harder. We were standing so close I could feel her breath. Staying away wasn't an option anymore. My mind had no control over what I was doing. For the first time in my life I completely surrendered to what my heart wanted. "I didn't choose to feel this way. But I can't help myself. I've stayed away for all this time, but I just can't anymore." I was still looking in her eyes. I ran my hand down her cheek to her neck. "But you have to." She said those words with a quiet voice, almost begging me. "I can't. You're just…" Words were meaningless. Nothing I say would express what I felt well enough. I leaned forward and kissed her lips. It wasn't like the kiss at Rod's. It was only a couple of hours away, but so many things have been said. It was so different this time. It wasn't rough or aggressive. It was pure passion. My mind went blank. I couldn't think about anything but her – her hair, her eyes, her hands, her lips – everything about her. This time she didn't push me away. It was like she surrendered. Realized, that it's hopeless to fight back. I wished that the moment would never end. I took her hands again. This is probably the closest I've ever been to happiness. Did she even know that?
I felt her hands on my chest. She moved away far too soon for me and turned her head to the left. "Just…Don't make this any worse." She looked at me and I saw tears in her eyes. Then she walked away. The thought of running after her crossed my mind, of course. But then I remembered the way she looked at me. I could see the exhaustion and chaos in her eyes. Today must have been a emotional rollercoaster for her. And it was clear now anyway – she loves him, even though he broke her heart. No one can go against feelings like that, no matter how desperate I was to be around her. She was hurt and her pain hurt me. If leaving her alone is what I have to do to make it easier for her – I guess that's what I have to do.
