Hi people. I know... I feel bad I should've updated sooner, but I'm just so popular I didnt have the time. Jk kids. Here's the chapter.
Paige's POV- see I'm being fair, switching on and off :)
Now do they seriously expect me to go to sleep after all thats happened? Okay so they don't even know half of it, but I know Piper at least noticed something was wrong. And this, well this is very very wrong. This room, these pictures, this shit!
Victor is not my father. This is not happening.
He's a nice guy and all from what Phoebe has said (i've never met him), but really, am I that undesirable that both my biological father and first adopted father gave me up?
The worst part of it all is, she could've stopped them. She could've found me. Prue and I are 8 years apart in age. There is photographic evidence she was introduced to me as well as my other sisters. But they were little yet. They could've forgotten. But there is no way in freaking hell that Prue would've forgotten about such a significant event.
So why was I given up for adoption is the big question? I loved my adoptive family, I really did, but they are all gone now and my whole life I felt empty and incomplete because I didn't know who my real family was.
Do my sisters even get that I'm falling apart? Do they care that my life gets more complicated by the day?
I want to say no, but I know that isn't fair.
Okay, I'm getting up now. I'm going to stay up for the rest of the night I can already tell. There is no need for me to hang around in this stupid little girls room that my psycho 'parents' kept for a child that they never planned on keeping in the first place.
Or did they? There are too many questions and Im absoloutely seething. I can't help but kick the bed so hard that I hear my damn foot crack and I fall over with a crash to the floor.
Gorgeous. My life is just gorgeous.
I think I'm going to scream. So I do what I always do. I run to Prue. Or to be more precise orb.
And then I scream.
Prue shoots up in bed as usual. With one look at me she grumbles "I'll pay attention to you in the morning" and slinks back under the covers
I know my sisters aren't exactly the greatest people to wake up, and I know I do it alot for stupid reasons, but this people is not stupid. I heard my foot crack, I can't move it.
I feel like the boy who cried wolf. Except I'm the wiccan who cried problem.
"But Prue" I choke my voice heavy with tears for much more than a stupid broken foot "It hurts"
Only then does she take the time of day..well night to see me sitting on her floor clutching my limp foot.
"You're a mess" She groans
I sniffle pathetically
"Every night you manage to injure yourself. I don't understand it. But I see if I don't do something now you are going to start sobbing which I could live without. Okay c'mere" She calls me over
"I can't. I think I broke my foot" I say
"Lovely" she comments getting up and pulling me to my feet.
I go to scream some more and she cups her hand over my mouth, just like my attacker did. I try not to react to the feeling of dread that overwhelms me during such moments. I'm suprised when it works.
She helps me over to her bed and I take in the unfamiliar room. Its plain, clean, orderly, just like Prue's outer appearance. But when I look closer, I see the sentimental things. An old quilt with her name stitched on it that looked well loved, an ancient record player, and so many other things that let me inside my eldest sister's head. Being in a room that Prue hasn't wiped clean of the happy person she must've been at some point in her life was refreshing. It makes me think that same person still lives in side of the bitter person she's become. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I don't really think Piper or Phoebe see the shell of a person I see when it comes to Prue. She doesn't feel like the rest of us.
"Paige?Paige? Hello?" Prue says waving a hand in front of my eyes. I spaced out again. Figures...
"Huh?" I say
"God Paige, you never listen to a word I say. You're seriously starting to piss me off. Now go on, heal your own foot. I'm almost postive it'll work"
"You know whitelighter's can't heal themselves" I point out
"No, I don't" Prue argues "Besides, you aren't a whitelighter. You are only half."
'Fine" I sigh feeling like this is the huge waste of time but nevertheless place my hand over my hurt foot. My jaw drops as I see the familiar glow and the pain of physical energy subsides. "Oh" I express in revelation
"You see. There you go. Now leave" she says shoving me out the door
I stand there dumbstruck. I hadn't said 'Oh' because I was suprised by my abilities. I said oh, because just as I finished healing, I noticed a framed picture on Prue's dresser. Of all three of my sisters. And me. As kids.
So she did know all along.
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When the shock wears off after a good ten minutes I orb myself outside to the big porch I noticed when we came into the house. I seat myself on the white porch swing that hangs off of its roof and start swinging back and forth, forced to comfort myself yet again.
Let's be frank. Its no secret relief from the 'not as bad as I made it out to be' foot pain was what I wanted when I orbed in on Prue tonight. I wanted relief from the awful sensation of rape, that even I am coming to realize after so long doesn't exist.
Not even when you have three older sisters.
I curl my legs under my chin and rest my face on them looking straight ahead wondering if he knew where I was right now, if he would dare come and hurt me again with my sisters so close by. They are so blind to the changes in my personality though that I wouldn't be suprised if they ignored me. Like the rest of the human race, they see and hear what they want and leave out the rest hoping they aren't missing anything important.
Which, mind you, they are.
I ponder things. Drowning myself in the ocean, cutting vertically so I bleed out quicker, fashioning a noose out of gym socks, all sick sick things.
That's because I'm sick, whether anyone chooses to see it or not, or whether I let them.
It's silly, really when you think about it that I'm agonizing over my sisters ignorance to another life changing event. I should be grateful. When you keep a secret, you hurt a lot less people.
But its so much more than that. The secrecy, the unknown, the fear.
And all I have is myself in the end.
My head hurts, so I bury it in my legs pretending they are a sister's shoulder even though I now know the difference. I let small tears stain my pajama pants which are patterned with hearts, which gives the appearance they are bleeding, just like my own.
I'm vaguely aware of the murmur in the rhythm of the the swing, which rocked me during this depressing moment I'm in the middle of, but I make no move to acknowledge whose ever it is presence. Actually, I know its Prue. No one else would have the audacity to try and untuck my head while I'm clearly having a meltdown.
"Paigey, " she whispers in an attempt to sound gentle, " Don't be that way"
Its too late. I think before realizing I've mumbled it aloud. I didn't mean it regarding our relationship, I meant to catch me from the fall I was already well on my way to having. I was on the edge. Most teenagers are bound to jump or even if they are foolish enough fall off. Prue doesn't know about the scary feeling I have revisiting me from a time I don't want to go back to where I was left completely alone. That was pain for others though. Pain for yourself is so much different.
"Why do you have to make me feel so guilty?" she whines, ( fyi, its annoying) "I've come to apologize. I realize how much I suck as an older sister. I should've been there for you. I'm sorry."
You should be. I think, but make sure I don't say. In the long run, this isn't Prue's fault, but its so much easier to pretend it is.
"You knew" is what I sniffle out next " You knew about me, and you didn't come get me. I needed you"
"I was too young . But I don't even think you would've wanted me around anyway."
" I would've after they died."
For once, she has nothing to say. I cry harder to fill the silence.
She tries to gather me in her arms, but I thrash and fight until I'm sure she has no patience left. She has the power to make me say things I shouldn' t and to invade my privacy like no one can. We are too similar for our own goods. Therefore, I cannot let her kiss it and make it better. I don't want it to be better.
When I'm finally done fighting, sure that Prue has nothing left in her either I let my guard down. A mistake.
She saw it coming and waited until I was calm enough for her to wrap in a hug, preventing me from shattering into a thousand pieces.
I succumb to her love that I would've been floored to find moments before.
She says all the right things. "You've been through too much." "Its all going to be okay" " I'll tell you everything later." "Just relax and forget for a while"
I give all the right answers, and for a minute wonder if its just that easy, to relax and forget
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Its overcast today. Gloomy weather for a depressed kid I guess. I can see a storm brewing through the dumb window in the living room and wonder how long it'll take before the rain comes.
There isn't anything on tv if you haven't guessed. Besides, even if there was I wouldn'e be allowed to watch it. The sisters are playing impress the neighbor in the dining room and after dismissing myself, rudely in Prue's opinion (so much for the nice sister gig of the night before, but no i'm not dissappointed yet again) I'm not allowed to watch tv for the next week.
I thought this was supposed to be a fun vacation.
I'm sure I can sucker one of my sisters into releasing me from the punishment. Who do they think they are punishing me anyway? Some type of authority figures?
Whatever. Here come Phoebe and her old buddy from next door. I'm not crazy about her at the moment either. But, I wanna see If I can watch television
"Hey Pheebs" I say still looking at the sky above me, lowering the risk of her seeing anything wrong within them
I imagine the eyeroll, just for show in front of her friend " What now?"
"Can I watch t.v?"
"No. You know what Prue said. Stop annoying me." She scoffs
"Fine. I'll stop annoying you." I say angrily, I'm very angry lately "Don't come looking for me though." I warn as I storm out of the house into a real oncoming storm.
I don't turn back to see if anyone's coming after me. I don't care. Things just get worse and worse around here.
As I walk briskly along the shore of the beach, what could be considerably close to the ever rising tide, and think about my day so far.
Piper seemed to have forgotten all about me because Leo came back last night, Prue was in a bad mood in general because there was too much to get ready before stupid Melissa and her stupid sisters came over for breakfast, and Phoebe was self absorbed as always.
They were seemingly able to forget about the one problem in their lives, me.
I wish I could sit around and pretend life is perfect when it isn't like they do. I wish I could sit and act as though I'm fine. But I won't do that to myself again.
I think i'll go swimming.
I strip down to the bikini I self conciously put on underneath a small pair of denim shorts and a baby tee this morning and toss them aside as I delve into the freezing cold water.
And then, I hear the rain.
Its pouring. But I don't care. There's no difference when you are already soaking wet and in the ocean anyway. I play a game with myself that I used to play when I was a kid. You play alone alot when you know, you are an only child.
Im going to see how long I can hold my breath underwater for.
After the first few seconds I wonder if I tried hard enough I could do that thing Leo said whitelighters can do where they change their appearance. I imagine gills really hard and think about them forming on my neck. Then I do the stupidest thing ever, I open my mouth to breath underwater because I think I can, only to have my very human lungs fill up with salty water and leave me struggling to breathe.
I always hated pretending when I was little, and here's a clear cut example as to why.
I feel myself being pulled with the undertow, in stride with my lack of oxegyn and orb out to the shore, which doesn't turn out to be much safer. There is loud thunder, and lightening, danger. But I nevertheless situate myself behind a boulder and fascinate myself with counting the time in between claps of thunder and spying on the lighting striking the ocean in the distance instead of heading home. Its dangerous there too.
Its actually a suprisingly long time before I hear Prue's voice bellowing "Paige Elizabeth Halliwell, what the hell do you think you're doing!" I notice she disregards the Matthews part of my name in favor of my middle one. I also notice how furious she sounds and wish myself anywhere but here.
Too bad I didn't orb
"An idiot sometime you are such an idiot I can't even" Prue continues to rant while Piper hovers in the backround. Phoebe is nowhere. She looks down at me " You're shivering" she says softly before collecting me into her arms, trying to give all her warmth to me. "Lets go home and get you warmed up" she decides and somehow, even though she carries me all the way back to the house where my life got worse, vainly trying to return color to my skin, like I'm a piece of baggage thats no more than a hassle, I'm still freezing and know its not from anything but an overdose of grief.
