But instead of dustmotes, he became quicksand. Solid until suddenly a false step could kill. Or so he would be become, but now, as he gazed at his mother's body and her blood staining the perfect polish of Kodos's boots, he felt nothing but numbness. I am a parentless child stranded in a graveyard and soon I too will be unmade and interred.
"James, my son, you should have told me. Now look what's happened." Kodos's smile was brittle, and he fingered another knife.
"Never call me your son. I'm a Kirk, and I will not see you hurt children, or anyone else." He felt so empty, but the fire was still burning on fumes and he would not relinquish his pride. "You're too much of a coward to do your own dirty work, so get one of your goons to come kill me." Jim spat derisively on the now rose-stained linoleum floor, forcing down the bile that threatened to rise up and leave him even more impossibly empty. "I thought you were a chicken from the start. I wanted to respect you, I wanted to be-"
But Kodos had had enough of Jim's oration and this time it was Jim's breast that bore the wound. The knife slashed shallowly but painfully across his skin. He gasped with the shock of it and stared incredulously as his own blood trickled down his chest and into the sticky puddles of his mother's vanished life. Breath was hard to snatch suddenly and the air caught in Jim's throat. "Do it again," he dared, managing not to choke. And he found that he wouldn't care if Kodos injured him more. He was beyond that pain, and it would be so much easier to follow his mother into the black.
Xxx
Jim dreamt of his father, a faceless floating figure in command yellow with a crimson hole in his chest. Constellations formed and re-formed in the darkness behind his eyes but their glow was ghostly and he couldn't tear himself away.
He woke up shivering. He was in the woods, curled in on himself, fetal and pathetic. The long cut across his chest had been stitched shut and didn't pain him, and he knew he knew that the mercy meant he was trapped. You may have freed me but I am still caged. Damn you Kodos what is your game I will not stand for more games what will you do to my people.
A twig snapped behind him and he jumped. The movement burned and he doubled over in pained surprise, holding an arm across his abdomen. Kevin stepped out from behind the foliage. "Jim! Jim, you're alive. We thought the governor had killed you. We nearly starved but I remembered what you showed me about stealing food from the empty villages and we didn't and now we're getting stronger and –"
"Kevin, get away from me."
"Jim? No, you're hurt, we can't leave…"
"Kevin, you have to get as far away from me as possible. I think Kodos is tracking me to get to you and the others. I'll put you all in danger, so you need to get away." He felt a lump just below his sternum, the source of that stabbing burn. "There's a locator…in me. Give me a knife and get out of here."
Kevin's jaw dropped. "No, I'm not doing anything like that. You need to come with us."
"Damn it, Kevin, give me a knife and leave." I am a bomb and I will not see you burn with me. "You trusted me once. Do it again and I promise I'll come back."
The younger boy wilted a little, but handed Jim his narrow hunting knife that he'd proudly shown off the day his father gave it to him for his birthday. A relic. Jim accepted it with a nod. "Scram. I'll find you when I can."
Kevin left, slowly and begrudgingly, but finally Jim was satisfied he was safely away. He felt at the little knot beneath his skin that was undoubtedly placed there by Kodos. By the end of this I will never touch a knife again. Fists are plenty. But he nevertheless raised the blade. For a brief moment he contemplated stabbing it straight through the tracker and into his heart, but despite his emptiness (I must not remember mother, not now, not for awhile), he had Kevin and the band to look after. So with the very tip, he dug out the tracker and bound the wound and tried his best not to faint.
