A/N: Toldja it would be weird.

Also, as I was writing this and looking stuff up in the DF Encyclopedia, I learned that AE is acquiring EpicDuel. Since I plan on writing something for every game...

Oh crap. (seriously, it's great news, but it's been six months and I'm not even finished with this...and I worked through the summer) Also, I found a new game called Shadowtale, and its story can tie in really well with the AE games.

I apologize in advance for all the unnecessary time jumping. (IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME!)

Special thanks to anyone who's favorited/reviewed. XD

The sun shone down on Falconreach, population six hundred. It was a quiet, normal day, with people going about their usual routines. For example, right now, Serenity was attempting to bake another one of her cataclysmic pies. Outside the Guardian Tower, Aria was plucking some flowers for a new Linus. (HE REFUSES TO DO WINDOWS!) Konnan was leaving for one of the mills that supplied Yulgar's wood, and Reens was sweeping the backyard of her store/house. Two young children chased each other across the still-healing grass. One of the Inn's permanent residents was finally working up the nerve to ask out the girl he'd liked ever since he moved in. No one knew it yet, but a herd of newly awakened dragons flew overhead, through the cloudless blue sky.

It was at this particular moment that Kiyan chose to disrupt the peace by screaming, "WE HAVE GIANT SPIDERS GROWING UNDER OUR TOWN!", causing approximately three hundred females to shriek and run away. Aria squealed in delight.


Three days earlier

"You got the dragon egg!" Twilly jumped off his stump and hugged the kneeling Kiyan. Warlic had contacted Lady Celestia with the good news. "I know of this secret cave we can put it in."

"Cool." Kiyan plucked Twilly off of her and dumped him onto the ground.

As they walked, it started to drizzle lightly. After around five minutes, they rounded the Guardian Tower's hill and stepped down some craggy rocks near the sea. Twilly carefully pushed back a few vines and crawled through a small hole. Kiyan could hear his light footsteps as he rooted around in the dark before seemingly shoving something roughly. A boulder rolled away, revealing an entrance. Twilly peered out.

Kiyan walked inside, and the two headed up a sheer slope of earth. Eventually, as the ground slowly evened out, they reached the beginnings of an opening to a cliff. They were pelted by the now-pouring rain through the opening. Twilly veered away and continued on, Kiyan stumbling in the dark, following him. At the very end, she saw a dragon statue, its claws wrapping around the empty air in front of its stomach.

"You can put the egg in there," Twilly said.

Kiyan took off her backpack and lifted the egg out. She gently placed it in the statue's clutches.

"I could put up a protective shield, if you want," The Moglin offered.

"Nah...I think it'll be fine. I've already gone through so much trouble to get it; it would just be plain ridiculous if something bad were to happen now."

Two days later

"KIYAN!" Ash and Twilly burst into the Inn. "The dragon egg is gone!"

Kiyan sighed. "Of course."

Twilly stared at Ash, realization creeping into his panicked mind. "Wait...how do you know about the dragon egg?"

Four days earlier (prior to the first paragraph of this chapter, making it exactly in between the end of chapter seven and the start of chapter eight. Man, this is confusing)

Kiyan immediately covered her mouth. She had accidentally read Warlic's letter aloud.

"...WHAT?!" Ash shrilled. "DANGEROUS...MATTERS?!"

"Uh, yeah."

"OHMYGOSHWHATISIT?! CAN I HELP OH PLEASE OH PLEASE! And...why did Warlic explicitly state that you shouldn't tell me? OH! HE SAIDNOTTOTELLANYONEESPECIALLYME! YAY! ME! OMG OMG OMG ISTHEREAPRINCESS?!"

Kiyan glanced at the fourth wall in annoyance. "I thought we dropped that subplot! And why is Ash suddenly acting so pathetic and...loud?"

"PLEAAAASSSSSSEEEEE?!"

"Okay; fine. I'll explain everything to you. Not right now, though. Warlic will probably kill me. And we really need to find a cure for your...weirdness."


The day that Twilly and Ash broke the bad news...(Or the day we left off from. Look, I lost count, mmkay?)

Kiyan, Twilly and Ash were standing by the dragon statue in the cave. Its head had a few chips on it, and cobwebs were twined around its claws. A huge chunk of the tail was missing. The neck was covered with a sticky substance.

Oh, yeah, and behind it was a giant hole the size of a house.

"How the flip did that happen?" Kiyan asked.

"I dunno." Twilly shrugged. "Let's follow it."

They climbed into the hole. Seconds later, they tumbled out into a fearful heap, deeply traumatized.

"Big...spiders..." Ash curled up in a corner and whimpered while sucking his thumb.

Kiyan glared at the fourth wall. "No more. Please. There is little to no proof that Ash is a pathetic, hopeless wannabe that can barely find the hilt of his sword, nor is there any of him being extremely annoying and wimpish, nor is there any of him having to serve as a comical sidekick to Mary Sues in order to represent our changing age. Yes, we get it. Viva la female or whatever."

Twilly stared at Kiyan. "What are you talking to?"

"...Nothing."


Two hours later

"I can't believe it," Valencia laughed. "I just cannot believe it."

"Oh, come on. It's totally plausible."

"But spiders? After everything we've been through, it gets stolen by spiders?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Kiyan bashed her head against one of the Inn's walls. "I need a lot of help this time. Those spiders are gigantic."

"Where'd they come from?"

"I don't know. I guess I'll go back there later and try to communicate."


Twenty minutes later

Valencia, Kiyan and Twilly stood outside the hole, waiting for Robina to arrive. Twilly leaned against the statue. Valencia rested her head against one of the slightly damp walls. Five seconds later, they heard two pairs of feet shuffling up the slope.

Robina stepped into sight, followed by a noticeably excited Ash.

"He insisted I take him with me," She sighed, motioning to where the page was happily rattling off strategies for the possible upcoming battle while swinging his sword in a dangerous manner.

"Eh." Kiyan shrugged. Then she saw Ash try to attack what seemed to be an imaginary werewolf, according to his random screaming. "I'm a little...worried about him. He's acting really weird."

Robina stared at the giant hole. "Go on in?"

"Uh...you go first," Kiyan suggested.

"I'll pass." Robina glanced at Valencia. "You wanna...?"

"Nah." Valencia nudged Twilly with her foot. "Twilly, can you..."

"CHARGE! AHAHAHAHAHA! FOR FALCONREACH, DRAGON EGGS, AND CANNNNNEDDD WOMBAAAAAT!"

Ash ran into the hole, slashing the air with his sword.

"...He's not the comedic distraction! He's a poor kid that I deceived into believing that he has a chance in heck as a knight! He has some sort of dignity, I guess. He's...oh, forget it. I WANNA BE THE FREAKING COMEDIC DISTRACTION!"

The rest blindly followed the still-screaming page through a wide corridor, ignoring the door-sized holes dotting the soil walls.

"Hmm." Twilly poked a wall thoughtfully. "These could have been here for ages, for all we know."

"...This may only be a dreaaaaaam! You come and goooo, like the moments-"

Robina cut into Kiyan's screeching. "No."

"I AM THE KING OF NOWHERE AND MY NAME IS JOHN!" Ash screamed from somewhere further away.

"That's not flippin' funny!" Temporarily blinded by her rage, Kiyan lost her footing and stumbled down a deposit into a chamber of some sorts. Her friends climbed in after her, and they made their way through the increasingly complex passages, led by Ash's voice. Eventually, they crawled into a small tunnel and landed headfirst on the other side. A giant spider wearing armor from up to its waist glared at them with its eight eyes, the hairs on its legs bristling in irritation.

"Greee...tings." Kiyan pointed at herself and spoke simply. "I human." She gestured to Valencia and Robina. "They friends." She pointed at Ash. "That temporary Scrappy." She kicked Twilly. "This bait."

"What do you want, vertebrate?" The spider snapped irritably.

"AAAAHHH! Youtalk! Uh...did you guys by any chance see an egg around? Maybe from, you know, a secret cave or something?" The rogue wheedled.

"Yes."

"Okay, cool. Can I have it back?"

"No."

"Why would a spider want an egg?"

"We're hungry. It's a dragon egg. Despite their small size, they're very filling."

"But you're spiders. Can't you just trap a giant fly or something?"

It was at that moment that Ash tackled the spider from behind with a loud war cry, plunging his sword fearlessly into its exposed back. The spider slammed onto the floor with a thud, curled up into a ball, and died, legs twitching as green blood oozed out of the open wound.

"Ew." Valencia looked away. Robina poked it with her bow.

"Works both ways," Kiyan noted as Ash, his heroic moment completely forgotten, burst into a happy dance.


One day later (So now it's the day it was during the first paragraph of the chapter)

Warlic and Artix stepped out of the Inn and ambled over to Twilly's familiar stump. Robina, Valencia, and Kiyan were sprawled out in various positions around a nearby tree. The two guys smiled at them, but Warlic narrowed his eyes at Kiyan.

"Oh, come on. That one wasn't really my fault."

"I guess not." Warlic shrugged. "But you could have put up a shield. It's still kinda stupid."

"You know what's stupider?" Robina groaned. Before Kiyan could chime in with a half-assed quip about moms or faces, Robina yanked on a cord attached to one of tree's branches. Ash dropped out of the leaves, suspended from a short rope.

"Okay, you need to stop tying people up and dangling them from trees." Artix rolled his brown eyes. "You'll get into big trouble with your fa-"

"CLOUDS...TASTE...AWESOME!"

"Thanks, Ash," Robina muttered.

"Wait...why is he here?" Warlic asked, eyeing Kiyan suspiciously.

"Uhm...I...HE'S A PERSON TOO, YOU KNOW!"

"I never implied he wasn't a person. I implied you're an idiot."

"No!" Kiyan grabbed one of Ash's arms. "Enough! Ash is a respected, good member of society! He doesn't deserve to be discriminated against!"

"Oh, how sweeteth is the sorrow that comes in a midmorrow sonnet..." The page recited.

"What the flip?" Kiyan let go of his arm in shock.

"Okay...." Artix gaped at Ash.

"Can you explain this?" Valencia asked Warlic.

"It's some sort of temporary disease." Warlic watched as Ash let out an incoherent screech and headbutted the tree, still suspended from the rope. "You can call it...the near-OC syndrome. It's when a character becomes so OOC, they're practically a new character. So...near-OC. And I mean 'original character', not 'Orange County'."


Somewhere in the real world (Terra, remember?)

"The OC killed Arrested Development! DARN YOU, FOX! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!"


"It'll wear off eventually," Warlic continued, "It's just going to be a slight nuisance for awhile."

"The dragon egg?" Robina prompted.

"Ah, yes. It's going to be a bit complicated getting it. Apparently, the spiders have been living nearby for centuries. They must have an incredibly intricate system of tunnels and chambers. It's taken them ages to finally get to the cave, since it's up on the cliff."

"...So what are you trying to say?" Valencia frowned.

"Well..." Warlic's voice lowered to a whisper. "If it took them that long to get there...then...uh, I don't want to scare the entire populace of Falconreach, but..."

"OHMYGAWD THEY'RE UNDER US!"


And thus, here we are.

After all the worried citizens of Falconreach had been calmed down, the heroes assembled a group in order to storm the spiders' lair and rescue the dragon egg. Now, they were outside the hole in the cave, ready to enter.

At the very front of the 'army', Robina and Artix were talking in one corner. Warlic and Valencia were inspecting their respective weapons. Athena was desperately trying to get her mentor to notice her. Raicom was desperately trying to corral Ash, who was skipping around and ranting about candy canes.

Finally, Robina glanced at Warlic uneasily. "Ready?"

"Ready."

Slowly, the heroes filtered into the hole. The heroes went first, followed by a few relatively unimportant adventurers, then Yulgar and several Guardians brought up the rear.

…By the way, where's Kiyan?


"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Kiyan screamed as she slashed wildly at a troop of armor clad spiders. "And...like, for that 'rear' thing you mentioned...not what the narrator just said..."

Sometime in the organization of their 'army', her friends had lost track of her. For unknown reasons, she thought it would be a smart thing to sneak into the hole when no one was looking and "clear a path" for them.

Really, though, she was getting practically nowhere.

Two dead spiders later, Kiyan poked around. She was currently in the chamber they had encountered earlier, having gotten there through sheer luck. Apparently, there were many secret entryways, each marked by a special kind of cobweb. The kind that marked the path to the "Super Secret Storage" had been delicately laced on the wall right in front of her. Unfortunately, the rogue was too busy trying not to step in a puddle of squished-spider goo to notice.


Artix led the way, clambering into a smaller chamber right next to the drop leading to Kiyan's. Robina warily scanned the corridor before heading in. The adventurers and Guardians remained outside, prepared to bolt for the exit in case the spiders were too strong. Warlic shut his eyes and cast a silent spell to pinpoint the location of the egg. Valencia was forced to restrain Ash.


Splish!

Splosh!

Splish!

"Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross!" Kiyan hopped about in a vain effort to not get any of the green blood on her boots. Eventually, she managed to grab ahold of an oddly discolored wall, not noticing the intricate cobweb strung across it. She shifted all her weight onto it using her hands, clenched the rocks set into the sediment, then gingerly lifted herself over the goo and plopped heavily on the other side. Momentarily tired, she leaned against the wall in relief.

"...Wait...ew! Gross gross gross gross gross!" Kiyan quickly jerked away from the suspiciously wet wall, losing her footing and splatting into the blood. "GROSS!"

Suddenly, the ground rumbled. The wall collapsed into a powdery pile, revealing a long, stone staircase covered in more of the wet coating.


Warlic's eyes snapped open in alarm.

"Kiyan."

Valencia let go of Ash's arms. "Oh crap."

Athena butted into the front of the group. "Warlic! I was totally going to tell you that my sister is missing!"

"Guys! Guys!" Robina called. "Artix found something!"

"Be right there!" Warlic yelled back. "Valencia; she's right next door. I think it might be the same chamber you guys found the first time you came here."

"Okay...just one problem. I don't really remember how to..." Valencia trailed off as she saw the frightening gleam in Ash's eyes. "Ash! Uh...where's your...kingdom?"

"THIS WAY!" Ash darted away and jumped down the opening in the ground. Valencia slid in after him.


-Somewhere-

The priestess was sitting in her tranquil garden, gazing into an orb.

"Only twenty-four hours left until the hatching."

TO BE CONTINUED...


A/N: I got massive writer's block at the end. This chapter wasn't supposed to finish that way, but...ah well. ;p