A/N thank you for all the reviews and kinds words. Enjoy this next chapter. Thank you to Bellarsam Chrisjulittle for betaing this chapter
Rain and Regrets
Georg and Maria spent an afternoon by their spot in the cliff. Maria had a rare day off and Georg's afternoon was free after a meeting with the admiral. The sky was gray and the ominous clouds hovered above them, but Georg and Maria agreed to venture out and hope that the upcoming storm would hold till after their date. Since they declared their love for each other, they had spent any free moment they had together, but it had been minimal, particularly since Georg was busy overseeing the repairs to his submarine.
"What do you do on the submarine when you're not working?" Maria asked. She snuggled closer to him and let her hand wander along his arm. He sat behind her as she leaned into his embrace.
"I'm always working," Georg said with a tight grin. He was subdued and tense. Maria noticed it the moment they met that day. She tried hard to converse with him as he seemed to be in a horrid mood. The gray waters furiously crashing into the shore matched the color and emotions in his eyes.
"Don't you get to rest?"
"Well, my bunk is right in the center of the submarine, right next to the control center. If something happens, I'm right there."
"How do you sleep? It must be so noisy."
"I don't sleep as much as I would like to, but the boys stay as quiet as they can so as not cross me. The equipment is loud, but after a while you stop noticing it."
"What do you do when you can't sleep?"
"…Nothing." Georg's hesitation was not missed by Maria.
"Nothing?" Maria said with a grin, turning in his arms to face him. " I don't believe you, and I know you don't spend time socializing with your men."
"You know me well," Georg replied with a chuckle despite his dark mood.
"You must do something to keep yourself from going mad in there. The other nurses say that all the men start taking a hobby like singing or drawing to keep busy."
"Or drinking and gambling, if their Captain is too busy with his own hobbies," he quipped sarcastically.
"Georg!"
He sighed, his name uttered by her lips was his undoing as was her blue eyes, filled with mischief and curiosity.
"Well?"
"You are very persistent, my dear."
"Stalling with compliments, I see."
"I write," Georg finally admitted.
"You write?" she said breathlessly.
"Atrocious poetry," he said, looking out again to sea. "But it keeps me sane," he added.
"I'm sure it is lovely," she said, pressing herself even closer to him. "You are very intelligent."
"Intelligent in some areas," he said bitterly. "But an utter fool in others; the ones that matter, at least."
Although he still held her close to him, his eyes became hard and dark and his whole body tensed. The muscle in his jaw tightened as he continued to stare ahead into the sea, his mind far away. Maria said nothing and waited for him to speak, knowing that she had pressed enough and when he was ready to share, he would.
"I'm a horrible father."
Maria didn't say anything. She didn't try to contradict him because she knew it was useless. All this time together, they had danced around the sore topic. They spoke of many things, but his children was not something that was discussed between the two.
"I was such a tyrant," he shuddered.
"They forgave you."
"Then they are fools," Georg laughed coldly. There was no warmth in his voice and Maria involuntarily trembled. "Even if they forgive me, I can never forgive myself. They lost their mother, and at the time they were most vulnerable, where was I? Where was their father? Drunk in his study or losing himself in his own grief. What a wonderful role model I was." He said with a biting laugh. "I sure showed them how to properly deal with grief, how to behave like an adult, how to face problems with courage, how to be a man." Each phrase he uttered oozed with sarcasm mixed with anguish. "No, I taught them how to be weak with my cowardice as a dozen governesses paraded through my house." He paused at Maria's short intake of breath. His eyes softened then and all the anger from his face disappeared as he ever so gently cupped her cheek. "And then you came, and rescued my children from the monster that was their father."
Maria closed her eyes and covered his hand with hers. "You are not a monster."
"I was…At least I am a man enough to admit it."
"I was guided to your home, I truly believe that."
"Well then, heaven sent me an angel," Georg replied softly, his face so close to her.
"Maybe it needed to be that way, did you ever think of that?" she asked, opening her eyes. "I was wandering and searching for my faith and future. Maybe everything that happened to you and me was guiding us to this point, so that you and I could meet," she whispered. "Maybe it had to be, so that in my own life I would find my true path."
"Do you truly believe in that?" His eyes filled with hope.
"I do."
Hope quickly vanished from his eyes as they hardened again. "Well then, my darling Maria, if you truly believe in faith, then I'm an even bigger fool," he rasped. "I squandered many opportunities during the time you were with me, and the time between you left and war breaking out. Look where we are," he said bitterly, with arms open gesturing to the sea below them. "Some port in north Germany; this is where fate led us. A dead end, and nothing more. What can I offer you now? How long will you wait ? How long can I ask you to wait? That is what has been torturing me," he whispered.
He took her face in his hands and leveled his eyes to her. His brow was furrowed and a deep crease was present between his eyes. His blue eyes, which seemed to hold all the sadness in the word, bore into her soul. "You have your entire life ahead of you. You are young, kind, and beautiful. I am an old man and if by some chance I survive this damn war, I have nothing to give you. Where does that leave us?"
Maria was no longer able to look into his eyes, and did not say a thing but buried her head into his chest and clutched him tighter. Georg's arms went around her as he held her closely. He breathed in her scent and tried to calm his raging emotions. They desperately held on to each other, Georg trying to calm himself and Maria trying to understand what he was telling her.
"The admiral has another mission planned for me at the beginning of April. It is a sucide mission that I cannot see surviving."
"Georg…" she started as tears formed in the corner of her eyes.
"Perhaps it is fitting," he said with scorn. "I've killed my fare share, and my end will be the same as theirs...at the bottom of the ocean." Guilt seeped into his bitter words.
"You are a captain of a submarine with dozens depending on you. You needed to save yourself, otherwise you would have condemned your men to death," Maria implored, trying to reason with him.
"Don't you understand? They are already condemned!" he said roughly. "I have two months left, and then my life is over and those boys' lives are over too! Two months, Maria, two months."
"Stop it, stop it Georg." The tears that threatened to fall did. Something in Georg shifted seeing her tears, seeing her cry and knowing that his harsh words were the cause of her distress. But before he could react and before he could comfort her, she was out of his arms and making her way quickly up the rope ladder distancing herself from him.
"Maria, Maria wait!" Georg called as he clambered up the ladder after her. She ignored his pleas and continued to run away. Something in her mind told her to. She was confused, and the intense need to protect and conceal her emotions from him once again took over all rational thought. Maria ran, her thoughts in a blur, she heard his footsteps behind her closing the distance between them. She felt her legs tire and her sides began to hurt, but she continued on, although she slowed her pace from a run to a quick walk. She wiped her tears from her face with the back of her hand, knowing that Georg would catch up with her and not wanting him to see her tears.
"Maria," Georg called, jogging up to her and locking step with her. "Maria please," he said urgently. "Please".
She continued walking, not looking at Georg who kept pace with her. Silently, they made their way closer to the quad and farther away from the surreal sanctuary they had shared. Closer to reality and closer to the truth that their story was more complicated than Maria could even admit to herself. He might die in two months, that's all the time they have together...they could have had a lifetime together... he would have married her, Maria thought. If only she hadn't run away... Maybe they would have been together as a family far from Bremerhaven. Georg blamed himself for their fate, but perhaps it was her fault, if she hadn't run the night of the ball. If she had gone back and looked for her life, like the Reverend Mother advised her to. She could have been his wife.
The realization of it all was suddenly too overwhelming for her. She felt dizzy and her body ached from running. She felt his hand take hers, and at his touch, all of her energy seemed to leave her as she slumped against his body. At that moment, the sky opened and the rain that had threatened to fall all day came furiously down. In seconds they were drenched, but Maria's mind was foggy as the sound and smell of rain dulled her senses. Georg's voice telling her they need to find shelter from the rain seemed faraway. Maria felt her body being lifted as her arms instinctively went around his neck. She buried her face between his collar and shoulder as her tears mixed with the rain.
She wasn't sure how long she was held by him, when suddenly she felt her feet touch the floor. They stood huddled outside of a warehouse as the slopped roof provided them some shelter from the rain. The gutters ran with water, and the ground beneath them was brown and muddy. There were no words said, only the sound of the rain hitting the roof and their panting breaths were heard. Georg wiped the water from his eyes, he then raised his hand to her cheeks and wiped her face of rain and tears. Their eyes locked , blue met blue while all around them gray swirled. In an instant their lips met. Neither knew who kissed who first, but although outside it was cold and their clothing was soaked , there was intense heat that permeated their bodies as they desperately kissed each other. They clung to each other, her arms around his neck, his hands pulling her closer and closer as their bodies molded to each other.
They finally broke apart to catch their breaths. Maria once again locked eyes with Georg, whose gaze belied the insurmountable desire he had for her. His intensity did not scare her, nor did the fire that she felt inside frighten her like it did when they danced that fateful summer night.
"Promise me," Georg rasped, his eyes never wavering from her face. "Promise me, if I die, you'll love again, marry one day."
"How can you ask that of me?" Maria whispered. "Do you even know what you are asking of me?"
"I do, and I made a promise like that before Agathe died," he replied, his voice cracking. "I know exactly what I'm asking of you, and I know how selfish it is, but I need this, please. I need to know that you'll continue to live after I'm gone."
"Georg, no," She tried to put distance between them again, to run again, but he held her firmly, his hands digging into her arms.
"Please, Maria," he desperately begged. "A dying man's wish, please!"
She sobbed into his chest, her tears freely falling onto his already wet coat. He relinquished his hands from her arms and cupped her tear stained face with both his cold hands. "Let me live the next two months without guilt," he said.
Her cheeks flushed and cold, her eyes red not leaving his. Georg waited for her answer. His lined face betraying all the emotions he felt, everything was there for her to see.
Ever so slowly she nodded her head, giving him her answer and feeling her heart break as she did. "I promise," she whispered.
He kissed her in response. His lips touched hers, he kissed her cheeks, her chin, eyes, forehead, neck, hair, finally resting his lips on her shaking hands.
"I love you!" he fiercely declared as he crushed her body to his. "I love you!" He said again and again as he held her, only then realizing that his own body was trembling.
Time seemed to stand still as they embraced each other under the sloped roof. With their hands intertwined, they finally walked back to the quad. The rain was still strong as it beat against their backs. Georg walked Maria to her door and touched her lips with his one more time. He cupped her check and said nothing. Nothing was needed to be said anymore, nothing could be said yet the sorrow in his eyes said everything.
When the door finally clicked closed, Maria slid down the smooth wood to the hard tiled floor and silently let the rest of her tears fall.
