Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock or any of the franchise
I'm SO sorry guys! I hope this chapter makes up for my horrible updating. LOVE YOU GUYS.
Chapter 8
Cassidy's POV
I ushered Mary into the kitchen where I had sandwiches and tea set out. Not being one to wiggle around the subject Mary started.
"How's it feel to be back?" The usual prickle of unease tickles my spine
"It's… different. I don't know what to do or how to act, with Sherlock, with anyone. It's stressful, it's like we are who we were before the incident but we aren't. I know we aren't but it's so calm and normal, I can't help but feel it will all fall apart and very soon." The words won't stop and I can feel tears prickle the edge of my eyes.
"He's being so understanding but I wish he would just snap then there wouldn't be this tense feeling, I know it will happen and I hate waiting, I just need it to happen so we can clear the air or at least I can be aware that we are breaking up instead of this constant choking fear that its coming. I need to know and he is no help. I don't know what to do Mary, and it's tearing me apart." Mary is hugging me and I am sobbing into her blouse by the end of my rant.
"So you're doing well then?" I cough out a laugh at the quick wit of my closest friend.
After my mini break down we sit down, nibble and have a long discussion on what I should do, how her pregnancy is and how generally our lives have been. By the time she is putting her coat on and kissing my cheek we are both contently happy and confident in our decisions and discussions. She shoots me a saucy wink and saunters out into the cab waiting for her.
Once I have cleaned up and prepared myself a cuppa I sit on the sofa and consider what I am going to do, but my mind wanders.
I am in the basement of this fucking psycho's house, squatting and awaiting the orders from Adere, He was supposed to call in a few minutes ago and I'm getting antsy.
"Yo! You fondling your balls up there?! Can I go?" My voice is gruff from the dry air and dehydration of being in the desert with no water for hours.
I hear Adere's grunt of frustration towards my impatience
"Yeh, you can go up you fuckin lunatic. Don't fuckin die."
I roll my eyes at his words, it doesn't even matter if I do anymore. I don't even care.
Death would be fucking perfect right about now.
The depression had started long before I "died" but it got much much worse while I was away.
The feel of the blade running up my arm, the blood slowly pooling and running oh so beautifully down my arm. I don't feel a thing, cocaine will do that for you.
Bliss. I move out of the bar bathroom and sit on a random drunk man's lap, sloppily kissing him, grabbing his dick. The drugs don't care, they don't care who he is, if he has a family or if he's sober. Apparently by the sheer enthusiasm he doesn't either.
Waking up in random empty hotel rooms, houses, apartments or even worse, not empty.
Leaving only to go out and do it again.
"I'm Adam"
"Hey ssexyyyy I'm Dave"
"Isn't Cassidy beautiful in pig Latin?"
"I'm Jordan"
"STOP!" The silence that follows my outburst is deafening.
So many stupid men, so many drugs and I can only remember bits of it.
There is no point, no end. It'll never go away.
In this moment I've made a decision. It will be hard, almost impossible but it has to happen.
I spend the rest of the day planning and preparing for what I am going to do.
The memories and the weight of my decision make me so sad, so tired. I go to our bedroom, grab Sherlys pillow and lay down cuddling it, the closest thing I have to him.
I slowly drift to sleep with his scent calming my senses and lulling me to a deep sleep.
I wake to a long, strong arm wrapping around my waist, another under my head, a nose at my hairline and a beautiful cupids bow kissing the back of my neck.
My body melts into his and I grasp the hand near my head like a lifeline.
The tears flow steadily, I don't care why he is back early, I'm just so happy he is, I don't dare question it.
As the tears hit his arm his whole body stiffens and he holds me tighter.
"Cass? What's wrong?" I can hear the worry and fear in his voice and it makes me cry harder.
I turn myself in his arms so my head is nuzzled in the conjunction between his neck and shoulder.
His hand that I was holding goes into my hair, patiently running through in attempt to calm my trembling body.
"I don't know how to say it." My voice is broken and congested.
"Say what? Just try." He sounds afraid of the answer, maybe he should be.
"I'm a wreck. I'm not stable. I'm.." I don't know how to get the words out.
"You're what?" Sherlock is starting to sound panicked. I run my hand over his side, attempting to comfort him and prepare him.
"I'm going to leave. I need to." There. They are out. That's it. Why isn't he yelling? He is as still as a statue.
Sherlock suddenly yanks himself away and hauls himself out of bed, the move startles me and I freeze, not having enough time to comprehend what just happened then suddenly the light is on and Sherlock's furious face is staring at me in disbelief.
"What do you mean, Leaving?" His voice is calm and devoid of any emotion. My heart is destroyed. But I need to do this.
"I'm leaving London." My voice is strong despite the tears streaming down my face and my shaking hands.
"Where are we going?" No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No! Dammit Sherlock.
"Not WE, just me. Alone." I see his eyes shift around to calm himself, that's when he spies my bags in the corner of our room. If possible his face gets angrier. My nerves are strengthening at his reaction. I expected hysterics. I can handle anger.
"What am I supposed to do? Fucking pretend? Pretend you never came back? I fucking can't Cass! Don't you understand?"
"I need to do this. I need to know how to take care of myself and be alone in a safe environment, be normal. I don't know how to co-exist anymore. I need to figure myself out before I can be with you. I am so sorry that I did this to you. I am so sorry. This needs to happen." His face is slowly transforming from angry to tired. He looks older than I have ever seen him, my nerves are making it difficult to shut up.
"You need time to think about my return and get your feelings sorted out, I need to get myself together. We need this, It was unrealistic to think we could just jump right back into this, maybe when I'm sorted I can come ba-"
"Don't. Just don't" His interruption makes the air between us tense and awkward. I can see the wheels turning and I can see the different emotions playing out across his face. Anger, fear, heartbreak then finally, sadness, acceptance, understanding.
He finally manages to meet my eye.
"Do you know where you are going? Do you need anything?" He sounds wrecked, it shreds what is left of my heart.
"No. I will get a cab and go. You don't ever have to hear from me if you want, I will leave and never return if that's what you want."
"We will see. Are you leaving right away?" He sounds on the verge of tears.
"Yes."
He gives me a quick nod and springs into action, calls me a cab and then puts his coat and scarf on.
At my confused look his eyes soften.
"I can't watch you leave me. Good luck with whatever it is you are doing." He turns to go, hesitates then turns, gives me a big hug and then he is gone down the stairs and out the door.
I stand still for a moment, enjoying the sentimentality of our last embrace.
I slowly haul my bags out, put on my coat and shoes.
I take a slow look at the flat that is just like its owner, crazy, beautiful, unique and honest. There is nothing in this flat that is set out to impress or appease, it is what it is.
With that thought and a deep breathe I hear the cab honk, grab my bags and walk out of the flat 221B Baker Street into a world I haven't been reacquainted with.
So that's! There will probably be one more chapter just to appease my romantic side, it will be short but for the most part this is it! I hope you guys enjoyed it for what it was. I may come back and edit to make it more thorough and complete but for right now, this is it.
