Author's note: Everything doesn't always come up roses. Sally Wainwright said it herself, there's no drama in people being happy. I struggled with this one a bit, with trying to find the right words. However, having said that, I hope you find this chapter more satisfying.

Chapter 9: We all Find ways to cope

Caroline stood a long while outside the guest bedroom door, trying to work up the courage to knock. It had been over an hour since the scene in the garden and she was finally in a state to apologize. She knew when she had marched into the house, leaving Fiona in tears in the garden, that she had been truly wretched. She had needed time to calm herself down though and try to wrap her head around what had just happened. She trusted Fiona and so she knew she deserved a chance to explain, though she also knew it may not be what she wanted to hear. Caroline liked playing by the rules, and drug use just didn't fit in those parameters.

The knot in her stomach turned ever tighter as she thought about the overwhelming possibility of Fiona rejecting any shot at reconciliation. She felt physically sick and desperately wanted to run. I've screwed up again, with another person I care about. Why do I say things I don't mean? She forces herself to knock on the door and mentally prepares for the onslaught. There's no reply, so she waits a moment before knocking again. There's still no response so she cautiously opens the door only to find the room empty.

She heads downstairs, the fear that Fiona has left growing stronger with every step. By the time she's at the end of the stairs she is almost in a full panic. She rushes into the kitchen and releases her breath at the sight of Fiona standing at the counter, looking down at the mug in her hands. Although she hears Caroline timidly approach and stop at the counter across from her, Fiona doesn't lift her eyes. They stand there in silence for a few moments.

Caroline takes a deep breath and cautiously starts to speak, still afraid to look up at Fiona. "Fiona, I owe you an apology. I was horrid earlier and I shouldn't have said those things to you. I don't even know why I said them; I didn't mean any of it and for that I am truly sorry. I don't even know if you will forgive me, but I don't want to lose our friend….you…" her nerves cause her voice to crack, so she stops speaking, looks up and fearfully waits for a response. After what seemed like an eternity, in Caroline's mind, Fiona releases her mug and looks up to meet Caroline's gaze. Her eyes are blood shot from crying, but Caroline can see there's no longer anger behind them; her heart flutters a little at the relief of this discovery.

"It's been 8 years. I lost my Hannah 8 years ago today," she finally speaks, barely above a whisper.

"Oh God, Fiona I am so sorry. I didn't realize; how did I not know?" A wave of guilt washes over her and she wants so badly to hug Fiona, but she can see her working up to something else so she stands silently waiting for her to continue.

"The last 6 months she was in so much pain. Nothing the doctors gave her would help. I felt useless and I hated that I could do nothing to comfort her," she shifts her weight and looks down at her mug, as she struggles to continue, tears now falling silently from her eyes.

"About a month before she died, a nurse friend of ours suggested she try cannabis to help manage the pain. She said it had worked for some of her patients in the past. I encouraged her to try it because we had run out of options and I couldn't bear to see her suffering so much anymore." She stops to take in a few deep breaths and wipe the tears from her face.

"She had never smoked before and was a little scared, so she begged me to do it with her. I had never smoked it either, but I was so desperate for her to get some relief I agreed." She still speaks slowly and very low, her eyes holding fast on the mug.

"The cancer had taken so much out of her that she wasn't herself anymore. We couldn't believe it when it actually worked; she was finally able to move without excruciating pain for the first time in months. When she would smoke it, she could get relax and I could see my Hannah come back." She takes a moment to wipe her nose and take a small sip of her tea.

"Those 4 weeks were some of the most beautiful moments from our marriage. We had the deepest, most intimate conversations we had ever had and we were able to spend every moment together, in peace, joy even. The cannabis had brought her back to me."

Caroline continues to listen in silence but tears have started to well in her eyes.

"The week she died we were in the garden, smoking her daily dose and she looked over at me and told me that when she was gone she wanted me to 'light up a spliff in her memory'," a halfhearted laugh escapes from her mouth as the memory floods back to her and a new stream of tears roll down her cheeks.

"I told her she was daft, but she insisted she was serious, saying it had been a conduit of so many intimate moments that had strengthened our bond in such a powerful way," she pauses again to wipe the tears, then continues.

"The first year she was gone, I was beside myself with grief and, even though I had never intended to go through with it, her request was all I could think about as I lay there in bed, a sobbing mess. So, I gave in and smoked one, one I had been holding on to after she died….You know how they say certain smells can trigger a memory? Well, I discovered that night it was true. Those entire 4 weeks came flashing back to me. Those memories carried me through that night, and so I told myself I would do it every year, as a way of honoring Hannah…our love…the love of my life." No longer crying, she looks up from her mug and meets Caroline's eyes.

"I know you probably think I'm mental…maybe I am, I don't know…" her voice trails off as she picks up her mug, swirling it anxiously in her hands.

"No, I don't think that. I think it's actually quite beautiful." She smiles tenderly at Fiona. Her smile fades and she stands quiet for a moment, suddenly lost in her own memories.

"I used to talk to her, you know." The words fall out of her mouth before she really processes them.

"Who?" unsure of Caroline's meaning as her words seem to have come out of nowhere. Caroline pauses, trying to find the right words to continue.

"….Kate, after she…died." She blinks hard as her tears start to fall from her eyes.

"God, I've never told anyone this before, not even my mum." She takes in a sharp breath, wipes her face and clears her throat to continue. Fiona now listens quietly, giving Caroline her chance to speak.

"I would see her too….for almost a year after. Actually, the last time was right after Gillian and Robbie's wedding. It had been a horrible day, well, I told you about it, and it was the first wedding I had been to since mine and Kate's. I couldn't bear it. All I could think about was how shitty life had been; only giving me, us, one day…." She stops, her silent tears transforming into gut-wrenching sobs.

Fiona moves quickly around the counter and pulls Caroline into a secure embrace. Caroline buries her face into Fiona's neck, wrapping her arms around her waist, and lets the sobs take over her body. Fiona strokes her back reassuringly and kisses her head as she whispers calm words of comfort into Caroline's ear.

"It's alright Caroline, let it go, I'm here. I won't leave you, just let it out." Tears of her own have started to fall, overcome with empathy for Caroline's pain, her feelings for Caroline amplifying that empathy even more. She understands, remembers, this stage of healing and how the only way forward was to let it all out, whenever the emotions came flooding in.

After a long while, she feels Caroline's body finally grow still, her breathing returning to normal. She kisses her head tenderly before Caroline raises it from her shoulder, with an audible sigh. She casts an affectionate gaze as she reaches up to wipe the tears from Caroline's cheeks, Caroline's arms still hugging her waist.

"Better?" She smiles tenderly as she says it.

"Much…..thank you," she quietly replies.

"I'm here for you, always, however you need me," her eyes stay locked on Caroline's. Caroline feels the flutter in her chest as the compassionate words fill her ears.

They stand there for a moment, still embracing, still looking into each other's eyes, each becoming more aware of the proximity of their bodies. Caroline moves first, slowly closing the gap between them, and places a soft kiss on Fiona's lips. A shock wave shoots through each of their bodies. She tightens the grip around Fiona's hips, pulling her body closer into her own.

Fiona runs her hands into Caroline's hair, the kiss deepens and their tongues make first contact. The wave that hits this time goes directly to each woman's core. They continue to kiss passionately, tongues dancing, soft nibbles teasing each other's hungry lips. Caroline's hands move slowly up Fiona's back as Fiona moves her hands down Caroline's neck and rests them on the top of her breasts.

Caroline finds the hem of Fiona's shirt and slips her left hand underneath it, the feel of Fiona's warm skin against her palm turning her on even more. She moves slowly up Fiona's side, feeling the goose bumps her touch creates, until she reaches the side of her bra, then slips her hand around the front to cup Fiona's breast. Fiona moans erotically at the contact, then moves her hands lower down Caroline's chest to start undoing the buttons of her blouse.

Caroline can feel Fiona's nipple as it rises to meet her caress so she dips her hand down to pull up Fiona's bra, exposing the sensitive peak. Another moan escapes Fiona's lips as Caroline's fingers make contact, rubbing and squeezing gently. Fiona pulls away slightly, to free Caroline's shirt from her skirt, so she can continue undoing the buttons.

Just as she pulls Caroline's top, they hear the front door, and Celia's laugh as it sounds down the hall. They fly apart, like two teenagers, frantically trying to straighten their disheveled appearance before Celia walks in the room. Just as Caroline fastens the last button Celia, Alan and Flora appear in the kitchen.

"Mum, Alan, you're back," she nearly yells it as she tries to calm herself down.

"Hello love, hi Fiona. You two have a nice night? We had a grand time, but this little petal is ready for bed." Alan moves to Caroline, to pass a very sleepy Flora into her arms.

"Hate to love you and leave, but we're knackered." Celia ushers Alan towards the back door to head out to their flat.

"Oh, I've almost forgotten, we've plans this Saturday, to take you to dinner for your birthday. Gillian and her lot will be there too, we figured we'd celebrate you two together, make it a family affair."

"Oh mum, you know I stopped celebrating years ago, do we really…." Celia interrupts her in a friendly, but firm tone.

"Now there's no use arguing, the reservations have already been made. Besides, you're turning 50 Caroline, that's worth at least a fancy dinner." She looks over to Fiona, winks and then follows Alan out the door, waving over her head behind her.

The two women stand in silence, watching them as they go until they are out of sight. They look at each other and a boom of laughter erupts from them both, startling Flora from her sleep.

"Mummy, too loud. Sleepy time," she lays her head back on her mother's shoulder, closing her eyes once again. Caroline looks down at her and then shoots a devilish grin at Fiona.

"Well, I should get her to bed. Give me 15 minutes….." she smiles coyly at Fiona, turns and hurriedly walks out of the kitchen.

oOo

Twenty minutes later Caroline is back downstairs, but Fiona is not where she left her. She walks into the den and sees her sitting, feet curled to her side, on the sofa. When she approaches she sees that Fiona has fallen asleep. She sighs and giggles to herself, then stands watching her a few moments. Should I wake her? She's so peaceful, so beautiful….so damn sexy.

She reaches across the sofa, pulls the quilt from the back, and lays it softly over Fiona. She leans down, kisses her cheek and heads upstairs to bed.