A/N: Hey :) Thanks again for all the reviews, keep them coming :)
Chapter Nine: They say bad things happen for a reason
Ziva looks up at him and he can see a single tear escaping her eyes. He has never seen her cry before. It pains him more than he had thought it would. To see Ziva standing there, looking lost and vulnerable, is hard to bear. He closes the gap between them and wraps his arms around her. He's relieved to notice that Ziva is not trying to get away from him. Instead she buries her head in his chest, breathing deeply. He doesn't know how long they are standing there. But he knows that it can go on forever. Just feeling her in his arms, smelling the slight note of perfume lingering on her, touching her. It would be sufficient for the rest of his life.
As they finally break apart, he's able to see that Ziva seems to be better although her expression is still blue, gloomy. They will need to talk, Tony knows that. But not here, not now.
"Hey," he softly says, "How about a pizza at my place? I think we need to get out of here or otherwise Gibbs will be pissed because we're occupying his office."
His attempt to lighten the mood seems to work. Ziva gives him a half-smile and presses the emergency button. The lights flicker back to life, the elevator is beginning to move again.
"I don't think I can move. I'll never eat a single pizza in my whole life again," Tony complains almost an hour later, sitting on his couch, feet up on the coffee table.
"Yes, of course. Only tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that."
"That's probably true," he grins goofily.
They have been eating in almost complete silence since they sat down on the couch but now that the silence is broken, Tony decides to just dive in, talk to her.
"Ziva?" He carefully starts, causing her to look at him.
"What was it that triggered the whole thing last night? I know about taking it slow and stuff. But we were just so… so in sync. I just figured you would have stopped me before, you know."
"I know, Tony. It did not… You did not do anything wrong. It was all me, okay?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"You will not let me off the look anyhow, yes?"
"Hook, Ziva. And no, I won't. Don't get me wrong. If you don't wish to tell me, then it's okay. It's just… I really think you need to talk. You're not the Ziva that I used to know a year ago, you're not the Ziva that… that made me fall in love with her. You're changed. I'm not saying that I don't like the new Ziva. It's just… you're so different and I'd like to know why. Maybe I can help you."
Many moments of silence follow his statement. Tony can nearly see her inner battle, her struggle to find the right words. He waits patiently, playing with one of her curls. Finally, Ziva turns around to face him, brown eyes locking into green ones.
"Back in Somalia," she hesitantly starts, "It wasn't easy. I know you think that I'm a trained assassin, knowing no fear, no angst. But those weeks were just… horrible. At first, I tried to fight back, be the smart-ass. But then I realized that I had no chance. I realized that no one would come to rescue me. I mean, my father had sent me to die there and I knew that. And I've left you, NCIS behind without even saying goodbye. I figured that you wouldn't want to rescue me. In fact, I still wonder why you did. I did not deserve to be rescued. After a while being there, I've just given up. I didn't talk to Saleem anymore. I didn't beg him to let me go anymore. I didn't fight back when he hit me, when he…"
Ziva stops talking for a few moments, looking away from Tony, seemingly in a whole different place. When her eyes finally meet his again, he can see them glistening. But before he can say anything, she just takes his hand and continues.
"And then, I just let myself go. I tried to erase the memories about my life. Partly, so that I wouldn't be able to tell Saleem anything that could hurt the persons I loved and partly because I did not wish to think about what I'd lost. I did not wish to think about the mistakes that brought me there. I just chose to not think at all. After a while I was just ready to die. Tony, all I wanted was to die. I did not hope for anyone to find me, I did not hope for Saleem to set me free, I just wanted to die. And I think, part of me had died already before you came. As Saleem came to bring me to you and Tim, I thought he had thought of just another misery to put me through. I just let him drag me to that room."
Tony suddenly remembers that she was indeed not even struggling when Saleem had forced her to sit down. It had seemed odd but after he had seen her again, he had completely forgotten about that.
"As he pulled that cloth off of my head and I saw you, I wasn't even happy. I was devastated, Tony because you came to take revenge. A revenge that was not necessary. I was so shocked to see you there. I thought you came there on a suicide mission and it was all my fault. I made you do this. I made you sacrifice your life. And for what? Just to find that I was already dead. That my mind, my heart, my soul weren't alive anymore. I realize now that I am, indeed, not dead. That I enjoy being alive… being with you. I just could not back then."
Tony can see tears streaming down her cheeks now, dripping from her nose, her lips. He tries to wipe them away with his hands but he realizes that it is a lost battle. So, he just pulls an arm around her, stroking her hair, desperately trying to console her.
His mind, however, is racing. He doesn't know where to start. He's indescribably angry at Saleem, at Eli, at Somalia for imprisoning her. He's even a bit angry at Ziva that she doesn't think she deserved to be rescued. He's angry at himself that it took him so long to find her and hence made all of this happen. And he's sad. He can't even form the words that would describe his sadness. Poor Ziva. He has already known that she has suffered a lot but not like that. He hadn't known that she was ready to die. No, that she wanted to die…
"Ziva," he finally begins to talk when she has calmed down a bit.
"Listen to me, if I would save anyone on that planet it would be you. You can't screw up bad enough. You just can't, you understand that? And… yes, you've left us but only physically. Don't you think that we all thought about you a lot? Don't you think that I was going crazy because I was the reason you had chosen to go back to Mossad? When you think that you didn't deserve to be rescued, there's got to be something seriously wrong in that pretty head of yours because everybody loves you here and if that's not reason enough, I don't know what is."
He realizes now that Ziva has finally stopped crying. She is looking at him, with a smile so soft that Tony's heart instantly skips a beat. He places a short but soft kiss on her lips, drawing her closer to him, hoping that he would never have to let go off her ever again.
