Chapter 9: I was scared, once again
We still sat in the waiting room, Nick and I. I had the option of going home last night, but I turned it down. There was nothing appealing to me about going to an empty home. Besides, no one had even tidied up. I'm sure there was still blood on the floor. Unless the cops and investigators cleaned it up.
I had several detectives try to talk to me, but I barley gave them any information. They even questioned Nick. I'm sure he was compliant. I just couldn't talk to them. I couldn't talk about the situation with my family, especially since the future for me was still so undecided.
I wondered how this had happened. How did this even happen? I used to be the troubled kid, but now I didn't even get a chance to be. Besides, with Jake out of my life, I had no connections.
I had to admit, I sometimes wished I didn't break up with him, so I could leave this cold place, go back to the way things were, use my old methods of getting rid pain. Then I remembered how far I had come. That I was finally where I wanted to be with Nick. Plus, I certainly didn't want to be in the hospital like the rest of my family.
Nick had fallen asleep next to me. The clock on the wall next to me said it was about 5:45 AM. Nick and I were both lying on the couch.
Looking at the time made me wonder why I was curious what the time was. I had no idea what the date was. Some day in June I'm guessing. So, why was I so interested in what time of day it was. I was so unsure of everything, even the simplest of things.
I had a lot of time to think about everything. I especially thought about Lilly and Oliver. My best friends that I haven't seen in forever. It made me reflect a lot on myself and why I pushed them away so much. It started with Jake, and Hannah, but then it turned into something else all together. Was I ashamed of having them in my home? With my family? With me, because I was such a screw up? I didn't know. For some reason, more then ever before, I really wanted my old life back. I wanted things to go back to the way things were. I had the urge to get up from this couch right now and call them up on the hospital phone.
They would never want to talk to me though. Never again. Not after I ignored them, and treated them badly. When Jake was my world, and I was into the whole party drug scene, they tried to pull me away from it all. All I did was embarrass them in front of everyone. I yelled at them, and then we were over. It was because of me.
The nurse's phone started to ring on her desk. When it rang for the third time I looked up. For the 2 and a half days I was there she never let it go past the first ring.
She wasn't at her desk. Eventually, the phone stopped the noise, and things went back to silence. There was only one other person in the waiting room besides Nick and I. It was some creepy lady at the end of the hall. She almost looked like she was sleeping sitting up. I guess I shouldn't be one to judge.
Mentally, I was tired, but physically, I really needed to get up. So I took Nicks arm off of my waist and I sat up. My head was spinning, but I continued to stand.
At first, I was just going to go to the vending machine just to get a snack, but I passed that lady in the chair again. I stopped right in front of her, and stared right at her. I realized she was fully awake. Her head was just down because she was crying. She probably saw me standing there, but she didn't say a thing. For some reason, I couldn't move. I was memorized with this Lady. Why was she sitting here crying? What was her life story? Could it possibly be worse then everything in my life?
"What do you want?" a voice asked me. I had no idea who said it, because no body was around, and then I realized it had to have been the crying women.
"I said what do you want?" This time she looked up at me. Her eyes were puffy and red. When she spoke to me, she looked like she was on the verge of tears.
"Um, nothing." I said unsure of what to say.
"Why are you just standing there then?" She said, venom in her voice.
"Well…." I was wondering if this was the time to be bold or not, "Well, to be frank, I was wondering why you were crying."
She sniffled. I thought she was going to be insulted, but instead she looked back down and started crying. I was going to apologize and walk away, but then she started to speak.
"M-My husband," she sniffled once again, "H-He raped my daughter."
I sucked in air as she said that. I automatically went next to her and tried to comfort her.
"I knew he was physically abusive, because he would hit me all the time, but I thought he loved us. I really thought her did." She started bawling, I stayed silent.
"She's dead now, you know. He killed her, after she went through all that. I couldn't believe it. I just wanted to die. I wish I could have killed him."
She spoke with such anger, more anger then I even had. This was a woman who was in the same spot as me. I wish I could have said something more encouraging to her. Instead I just answered with "Yes, I know what you mean" and "Uh-huh."
I told her what happened to me in my life. She was at least 10 years older then me, so possibly 25. I didn't know this lady, yet I was telling her more then I ever told my family, Jake, my friends, and all the shrinks I have ever had put together.
Sometime between my story the nurse came back. When we were sharing our stories, she would look up at us. I heard Nick stir and wake up when I was finishing up. The doctor came up to the women, whose name I never got, and they walked off. I'm guessing to discuss her daughter. Then I walked over to where Nick was sitting, sat down, and leaned on his shoulder. No questions asked.
I found myself praying to God, I have no idea how many hours. I prayed for Jackson, and I prayed for my old life back. I knew that a statement like that was ridiculous, but from what I heard about God from Oliver, he didn't judge you.
Oh great, Oliver again. I missed the times Lilly and I would make fun of him because he had to go to church with his mom. Ever since his parents divorce, she made him go to Church every Sunday morning. I guess she became a very devoted Catholic.
I can't say I enjoyed him being religious, because he could never do anything on Sunday, even if we had a project we had to do. I did pick up a few things go. On the off chance we would talk about it, he told me about God. I never "officially" prayed in church or anything, but he told me that it didn't matter. He said you could pray to God at any time.
I found myself only praying to God when I felt hopeless. Lately, it happened to be a lot. When Jake was in the middle of his "process", when daddy was hurting Jackson, when everything fell apart with me, I would pray to him. In a sort of hopeless way. I kept asking him to save me, to help me.
I always wondered if he ever did. I mean, maybe someone WAS my savior. Was it Nick? I'm so unsure. Nick saved me from rock bottom that's for sure, but was it an answer from God? Sometimes, these thoughts were a blessing, but the uncertainty right now felt like a burden.
I was about to move away from Nick's loving embrace so I could go walk around, but before I could even pull his arm away, a doctor came up to me.
"Hello. Ms. Stuart?" I looked up, and he was staring right at me. Nick shuttered awake at his voice as well.
"Um, yes, it's Miley," I corrected him. This wasn't Jackson's usual doctor.
"Well, I have come to talk to you about your dad's condition."
I felt Nick's body tense up. He moved his arm in a way that was telling me to calm down.
"I don't want to hear ANYTHING about that man." I said harshly. Nick patting my hand soothingly, once again a sign for me to calm down, but I didn't comply.
"Yes, the nurse informed us, but we are obligated to tell someone in the family about his condition. Since you have no relatives even remotely in the area we have to inform you."
"That's crap; I have never heard that before!" I yelled. Even Nick seemed uncertain.
"That is not a law, and besides, his family is flying down today." Nick seemed so sure. In fact, I didn't even know his family was coming down. He knew more then I did about my life. It doesn't even matter though; I don't want anything to do with my dad's side of the family. Uncle Earl was crazy, and encouraged my dad's violent behavior, just like my grandpa. My cousin was insane, and my grandma was ridiculously oblivious. She just didn't want to listen, to stir anything up.
The doctor sighed. "Alright kids, the truth is, your father is speaking coherently, and in many ways back to normal, but he wishes to speak to you Miley."
"Over my dead BODY!" I shouted. The 5 new people in the waiting room looked up, the nurses already seemed accustomed to my shouting.
"We all thought so, but he insisted you at least know why he did what he did. Now it doesn't excuse it Miley, and he is still going to go away for a long time, but he is going to go into a mental ward until he gets better, which he will."
"You are going to let him back on the streets?! He almost murdered my brother and me and he is going back on the streets?"
The doctor who was now getting annoyed with me answered, "well maybe if you testified in court, or even talked to a detective, you could change that."
Nick stood up, insulted; I was to upset to do anything.
"Now see here, do NOT talk to my girlfriend like that. Please, just tell us what we have to know, and then NEVER bother us again."
The doctor seemed apologetic, but I wasn't buying it. No longer was I going to give anyone a chance.
"Right," He repeated several times looking down from his chart.
"Well your dad has a psychological disorder called Schizophrenia."
"W-What." I said stunned.
"Yes, it's a dieses that affects the mind. Often it can make you have split personalities, and even believe you are 2 completely different people. Sometimes these people can influence your decisions, making the "real person" if you will, feel like the "fake person" is talking to them." I hated his use of quotation marks.
"We are away of what the dieses involves." Nick said, my face was blatantly upset.
"Yes, well your father was diagnosed with that, as well as many other mental dieses that may have strengthened the schizophrenia."
I felt myself getting worked up, and yet I felt numb. I couldn't understand how I could feel anything for that man.
"He has a very rare case, and we aren't sure if he will ever fully recover, but it is possible. If he can learn to live with it, and take medications, and have a lot of counseling, we think he will be fine. He will be back to the father you used to know, we hope."
"Ha, well that's great, but I never want to see him again." I felt the cool tears on my hot cheeks, "so I understand why he hurt Jackson so much, but it doesn't make it right. Now I have to watch my brother suffer. I don't know if he will ever be ok, so tell him I'm sorry," I stopped, "no, tell him I'm not sorry! Tell him that it sucks that he is sick, and I wish so fucking much that he wasn't, because then maybe all of this could have been avoided, but that I can't forgive him for almost killing my brother and I. I will NEVER forgive him, because I can't."
The doctor nodded, as if he was expecting this answer.
"Well be sure to tell the detectives the whole story." By now I was all worked up, and Nick was no longer trying to stop me. The doctor walked away, but lucky me, Detectives showed up a few minuets later. I never stopped crying.
"What do you people want from me?" I whispered violently with my head in my hands. Nick was rubbing my back soothingly, at a loss of what to say. As I would be.
"Ma'am, we are really sorry to cause you anymore pain, but if you want your father to go to jail, you are going to have to answer questions for us. We need it."
I looked up. "Okay," I answered with a sniffle, "Okay I will tell you whatever you need to know, as long as I never have to see that awful man again."
They started questioning, and I answered, sometimes as full as I could, and sometimes not. Sometimes, I just really couldn't finish what I wanted to say, it hurt too much.
They asked me about my dad first, if he was abusive to me and my brother before. I told them our whole lives. I said he barley ever hurt me physically, but Jackson was always getting hurt. They asked me so many more questions like that. It eventually led to more detailed questions, like where I think he got the gun, what EXACTLY he said, and more. It didn't help that we were in a dark cold room, and I was surrounded my tapes, video cameras, and 4 detectives. Nick was somewhere outside, I'm sure watching, I insisted that he be there when I got out. I wanted him to hear everything anyway.
When the released me, they said they might need me to testify.
"What? You mean get up on the stand?" I asked terrified. I first looked at the harsh 50 year old male detective named Malcolm, and then I looked to the only women in the room, her name was Detective Miranda. She told me that I would probably have to, but I wouldn't have to stay the whole time. They told me it was the only way to ensure that he would eventually be put behind bars.
Even then it wasn't certain. Even then he could pull the psycho card and just go to a physc ward for a long time, which isn't jail, but either way he would never be near me again, as long as I testified in court.
I agreed, and then it was done. Nick hugged me, and we walked out. We caught a cab back to the hospital; we sat back in our usual chairs in the waiting room. We were silent. I was scared, once again.
