The drive home was surprisingly easy going. Spencer had been sure there'd be some kind of tension after the fight the brothers had had in the motel room. But when they'd all loaded up to leave, the two had been perfectly fine with one another in a way that made no sense to her. She chalked it up to them being siblings. Maybe it was normal for siblings to fight like that and just be fine about it afterwards. She had no idea. Did all siblings fight that way?
When they got back to the Bunker, Gabriel and Sam vanished for a bit. That wasn't surprising at all. Spencer had fully expected it. She shook her head, firmly ignoring the pang inside, and just carried the stack of books she had back into the library. Castiel was sitting at the tables when she came in and he rose almost the instant he saw her and the stack of books in her arms. Spencer shook her head before he could take a step. "It's okay, Castiel, I've got it. I'm fine."
"I already tried to help her." Dean said, coming up behind her and dropping his bag down onto the table. He looked at her and rolled his eyes. "She's stubborn."
"And you aren't?" Spencer shot back.
The man didn't even bother denying it. He flashed her a grin that had her flushing ever so slightly and turning away from him. It really wasn't fair that these Winchester men were so attractive. It was even more unfair that they both knew it. A grin like that shouldn't be allowed. She wasn't attracted to Dean as a person, he really wasn't her type in a lot of ways, but she could admire a great grin—or a nicely filled out pair of jeans.
Spencer slid the last of the books onto the shelf and then looked down to the one below it. There were more books to read, there were always more books to read it seemed, but so far none of them had showed her anything that might help. Oh, they were full of fascinating things, and she loved all the new knowledge that she was gaining. But none of it was anything that was useful to her right now. Nothing was giving her any sort of hope. It just brought home more and more the knowledge that there was nothing she could do here. You know that. You saw that on Gabriel's face that day he looked deeper at the spell. There's no fixing this. You're going to be stuck like this for the rest of your life. Spencer crossed her arms over her chest at the reminder.
"Spencer?" Castiel's voice came from right beside her, a low rumble that carried a wealth of emotion to it. Sadness, regret, worry, all held together by this underlying strength. Though he didn't touch her, he did stand close enough at her side to offer her comfort and support. He didn't ask her what was wrong; it wasn't hard to figure it out. He just stood there and offered her what support and hope he could. "We'll find something. Do not give up hope."
It hadn't escaped her notice just how much all of these people were helping her even though they were all caught up in their own problems. Spencer hadn't forgotten everything Sam had told her when Gabriel returned. She hadn't forgotten about the angels falling, or Metatron, or Castiel losing his grace, or that this group was trying to find a way to open the gates of Heaven once more, or that they were still fighting against Abaddon. They had so much on their own plates and yet they were still doing everything they could to help her. They were giving up precious time they should've been working on other, far more important things, just to help her out with this.
Spencer closed her eyes and drew in a careful breath. She was being selfish. Truly, she was. What was one little gender change in the grand scheme of things? The spell would make sure that no one around her would remember she'd once been male, so there was no worry about trying to start a new life as a woman. It would just be like she'd always been one. And it really wasn't that bad being a female. Could she really justify wasting their time trying to fix something that she was almost positive couldn't be fixed anyways? Especially when it was so obvious that their time would be better spent working on things that were actually important. In the face of the problems of the entire world, what did hers really matter?
There was no way that Sam would just let it go, though. She knew that without a doubt. He wasn't going to just let things go and he wasn't going to just stand by and let her let things go.
Pressing her hand against one of the books, Spencer took just a moment more to gather her composure and her thoughts and lock everything down. When she turned to look at Castiel there was a small smile curving her lips and no sign of her inner turmoil showing on her face. "Of course. Thank you, Castiel." Reaching out, she lightly patted at his arm, the gesture awkward yet sincere. "If you don't mind, I think I'm going to go take my bag to my room. I'm rather tired."
Neither man protested, though Spencer could feel the way they watched her as she left. She didn't let herself think on it. She just kept her chin up and her spine straight as she made her way down to her room. Once in there, though, she found she didn't really want to stay. The four walls felt too confining, too much like the prison she already felt like she was trapped inside of. Before she could think too much about it, she scooped up her cell phone and hurried back out of her room. In no time she found herself in the bunker's garage. She hadn't wanted to go out the front door and risk running into anyone. So instead she came here and quietly slipped out the door.
Once she was outside there was less risk of running into anyone. She picked her way across the ground and up until she found the spot that Sam had showed her where the brothers liked to do their outside sparring sometimes. There was a little stone bench there where he said they set their bags and water. Folding herself down onto it, she tucked one leg up underneath and curled into her sweater a little more. The night was colder than she'd thought about before coming out here. But, looking up at the stars, she found she could breathe a little easier.
She didn't really stop to think about what time of night it was as she dialed a familiar number on her cell phone. She knew that the person on the other end would answer no matter what the time was.
Sure enough, within four rings Derek's tired voice came on the line. "Morgan."
"Hey, Morgan."
She could practically hear it as Derek perked up. "Reid!" His voice changed quickly from happiness to worry. "Is everything all right? Are you okay?"
Spencer felt her lips curve a little. "I'm okay." Almost immediately she shook her head. "No, no I'm not, not really."
"Well that was clear, kid." She heard a bit of shuffling and could picture Derek sitting up in his bed and getting a bit more comfortable. "Talk to me, Reid. What's going on in that big head of yours?"
"Have you…Have you ever known something, something really difficult, and no one else wants to believe it but you know it's the truth?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I have."
Running a hand over her face, Spencer drew in a breath that was just a little shakier than she liked. "I don't know what to do here, Morgan. I don't know the answers and I don't like that feeling."
"Reid—Spencer—talk to me, kid. What's going on?"
"There's no stopping this spell." The words were just a whisper as they came past her lips. It was the first time she'd really admitted it out loud and actually fully acknowledged it. Staring up at the stars, she let out a shaky breath. "There's no way to stop it. They can delay it, give us time to look, but there's no answer out there. Something like this—it's too strong. There's no way to stop it. Not without risking killing me in the process."
She heard a low, pained sound from her friend. "Reid…"
"I don't like it any more than you or anyone else, Morgan, but it's the truth. There's no way to stop this. But they won't stop looking even though they know there's nothing they can do. And while they're wasting time trying to find an answer that isn't there, other things—more important things—are being pushed to the side. They've got problems far more serious than mine that they should be focusing on. Problems that concern the world, not just one individual. I can't let them keep ignoring that. I can't be selfish, Morgan."
"You're not selfish, Reid. You're fighting to keep your life."
"I'd still keep my life, even with this spell. You…" She let out a shaky breath. "The spell is two parts. It doesn't just change my body—it changes my past. If we stop delaying it and let it go, no one will remember I was ever anything other than a woman. I'd be able to come in and pick my life back up right where I left off. This whole thing would just be some random vacation that I took." A single tear slid down her cheek and she didn't bother trying to wipe it away. "I can't live on false hope here, Morgan. I just can't. I can't keep trying to pretend like there's going to be some mysterious answer in the next book I open. I can't hope again and again only to have it dashed each time. That, that hurts more than anything else."
There was a reason that Spencer had chosen to call Derek instead of anyone else. Emotional though Derek could be, he was also practical, and he was always good at being a steady anchor when Spencer felt adrift in emotions that he usually didn't allow himself to fee. Usually, Derek was the more emotional in their friendship, with Spencer the more logical, but he had this amazing ability to become like this steady rock when Spencer got caught up in his emotions, giving the young genius balance. He'd push aside his own emotions and focus on helping Spencer. That was what he did now. He pushed down what he had to be feeling about all this and he provided Spencer with the steadiness that he needed to regain his footing here. "This is your life, Spencer." He said, his seriousness showing in the fact that he used Spencer's first name and not his last like he usually did. "This is your life and your body. No one can tell you what to do with it no matter who they are. If you really believe that there's no cure for this and you really, honestly want to stop searching, don't let anyone else change your mind. You have the right to make the decisions for yourself. No one else can do that for you."
"I don't want to disappoint them." Spencer whispered. "I don't want them to be angry with me for, for giving up."
"They'll get over it. You can't base your choices in life on the reactions of other people, Spencer. Especially not big ones like this. You have to make the choice that's best for you no matter what anyone else thinks of it. If they really care about you, they'll come around. And for what it's worth, I hate that you have to do this, but I trust that you know what's best for yourself, and I want you to know that I've got your back. Even if it sounds like I'm not going to remember there was ever a problem, I want you to know that right here, right now, you've got at least one person who is on your side." She heard Derek give a low chuckle. "They're just parts, right? You taught me that a long time ago. A body is just a body. It's what's inside that counts—and what's inside you has always been the very best. Just remember that and you'll be fine."
The tears that she'd been trying to hold back were spilling down her cheeks now unencumbered. "Thank you."
"Anytime, kid. Anytime."
Spencer held those words inside of her even after she'd hung up the phone. She sat there, ignoring the chill in the air, replaying Derek's words over and over while she watched as first hint of light built on the horizon.
It was the start of a new day. Spencer watched the light grow and felt her resolve firm inside. She knew what she needed to do. The only thing that she could do. It was the only solution that felt right.
As she made the decision, she felt the knot she'd been carrying around inside herself loosen just the slightest. This wasn't going to be easy, not for her friends inside or even for her, but it was what she had to do. It was what was best.
A body is just a body. It's what's inside that counts—and what's inside you has always been the very best.
Spencer smiled as Derek's words replayed in her mind once more. Holding them inside herself, she rose from the bench. Then she turned her back on the sunrise and slowly made her way back to the bunker. It was time for the day to begin.
The sun was well up in the sky by the time everyone started to make their way out of their bedrooms. After watching the sunrise, Spencer hadn't bothered trying to go back to bed. Instead, she'd gone and showered and dressed herself in comfortable clothes—just a pair of purple plaid fleece pajama pants and a dark purple short sleeved shirt to go with it, plus a pair of the comfortable house shoes she'd found in the closet—and then she'd made her way back out to the library. This time when she selected books she chose ones for pleasure off the bottom shelf that looked like it was dedicated to personal books, and she took them with her to the TV room. It felt absurdly good to kick off her shoes and tuck herself down into the corner of the couch.
She was still curled up there when Gabriel came in. Looking up at him, she couldn't help the smile that twitched across her lips. He was as put together as he ever was, even wearing regular jeans and a t-shirt and not pajamas like her, but the look on his face clearly said he'd much rather be back in bed right now. Did archangels even sleep? She had no idea how that worked. But she knew the look on his face—it was just the same as the face Sam would make when he wanted to stay in bed and put off facing the day.
He lit up a little at the sight of her, though, and Spencer very much ignored the way that made her stomach jump a little. "Hey there, kiddo."
"Good morning, Gabriel." she called back. Sam came in a few steps behind him and she turned her smile to him as well. "Good morning, Sam."
Unlike his partner, Sam was very much still dressed for the bedroom, only in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He was also carrying a large cup of coffee in his hands. Without hesitation, he came over and dropped down onto the couch beside her, just shy of actually sitting on her feet. At her glare, he only grinned. "Morning, Spencer."
Gabriel, just as lacking in personal space as his partner, chose to sit on the armrest right by Spencer's shoulder instead of on the other side of Sam.
"You're up awfully early." Sam commented, nudging her bare foot with his arm. There was a hint of concern in his eyes, though, that told her it wasn't just an idle question. He knew how she slept and this was his polite way of making sure she was okay.
Her smiled softened and warmed into something open and real that so few people got to see from her. "I'm okay." It was true, too. She was more okay than she'd been lately. Something of it must've shown on her face because Sam smiled at her and she could see him relaxing a little.
Never one to be left out of conversation, Gabriel dropped a hand onto her still damp hair and carded his fingers through it as he said "Getting in some pleasure reading, then?"
The urge to arch up into his hand and give a happy little sigh was almost more than she could resist. Just barely did she hold it down. But she'd always enjoyed having her hair played with; Sam indulged it frequently for her. While she could be uncomfortable with quite a few random touches depending on her mood, having her hair played with was almost always okay. Sometimes she'd sat there for hours with Sam, watching movies or talking, and he'd just card his fingers through Spencer's hair. The knowing smile he was giving her at the moment said that he was thinking of the same things that she was. Before she could get her head together enough to try and answer Gabriel's question, Sam reached out and snatched the book from her, turning it so that he could view the front while keeping his finger in the pages to hold her place. "The Hobbit." His eyebrows lifted and he looked a little interested. "It's been a while since I picked this up."
"I love Tolkien's work." Shrugging, Spencer smiled a little. "It'd been a while since I'd read them and I already finished the others I picked up, so I was just starting this one."
"I can see that. You're only," Sam paused, looking to where his finger was, "ten pages in. You really just started it."
Something came to mind and Spencer grinned a little. "Early enough that it would be no trouble to start over."
He turned his head towards her and stared at her for a second before shaking his head. "Subtle, Spencer." Sam said dryly. Still, he didn't hand the book back. He must've seen something on Gabriel's face—the archangel was being unusually quiet, but he was also continuing to play with Spencer's hair and so she chose not to say anything about his silence—because he looked behind her and explained "Spencer's hinting that we should start over so I can read to her. She likes being read to."
Gabriel let out a warm laugh that Spencer couldn't help but smile at even as she was blushing and protesting "It's not just that!"
Sam smiled indulgently at her. "No, it's not." He agreed easily. His eyes were warm when they moved back up to Gabriel. "It's just that I can't keep up with how fast she reads. So if we both wanted to read the same book, we would take turns reading it out loud. It was the only way to guarantee we'd finish at the same time. Otherwise, she'd finish in a half a day what could take me weeks to read."
"Well I'm with our girl here." Gabriel chimed in. "You know I love listening to you, Sambo. Read to us!"
There was no way he could resist the both of them. In no time at all he had his feet kicked up on the coffee table, his cup balanced in one hand on his knee while his other hand held the book. Spencer's feet had ended up in his lap, just scooped up and dropped there by Sam, and she was turned a little more to face him because of it, putting her back to Gabriel. The archangel didn't seem to mind perching there on the armrest. He'd turned himself as well to face Sam, putting his feet up on the couch so that Spencer was essentially leaning back between his knees. That had made her flush at first, which had been about the time Sam had plucked her feet up and dropped them in his lap. Then Gabriel's hands had gone back to her hair and Sam had started reading and, really, what was the point of protesting this when it didn't seem to bother either man? Besides, she was comfortable here and Gabriel's hands felt wonderful. Soon, Spencer had her eyes closed and she let herself get lost in the flow of Sam's voice as he read the familiar words of one of her favorite books to her.
They were still there when Dean and Castiel made their way into the room some time later.
Spencer heard someone come in but didn't really focus all that much on it. Her head had slumped to the side a little to rest against Gabriel's knee and she was on the borderline of falling asleep, only held back by sheer will and her enjoyment of the story and, surprisingly, the situation. She wasn't stopping to question why it was she was starting to find herself as comfortable around Gabriel as she was around Sam. She just knew that she felt, good, around them. Safe.
Unfortunately, the sound of Dean's amused and slightly confused voice broke the spell over the room. "Um…what the hell are you guys doing?"
"It's called reading, Deano." Gabriel answered, sarcasm almost dripping off his words. "You should try it sometimes. They make these nifty things called books and they're full of strange and amazing words that all combine together to tell a story."
"Dean is fully capable of reading." Castiel defended him immediately, at almost the same time that Dean snorted and said "Looks more like a girl's sleepover to me, complete with pajamas and hair braiding. What, they didn't manage to get to yours yet, Sammy?"
Embarrassment colored Spencer's cheeks and she immediately pushed to sit herself up. Head ducked down, she missed the way that both Gabriel and Sam glared at Dean. "Did you need something?" Sam demanded. "Or did you just come in here to be a dick?"
Dean didn't look the least bit deterred. He dropped down into a chair and grinned at them. "Just thought I'd see what you crazy kids were up to. I was sure I'd find you buried in your research, not playing story time. If I'd known we were having a party I would've made sure I was in my pajamas, too."
"Here, let me help you with that." Gabriel said.
There was a snap and then Spencer was fighting not to laugh out loud as Dean was suddenly clothed in a pink spaghetti strap top with a giant heart on the chest and pink fuzzy pajama pants covered in tons of hearts.
Dean took one look at himself and let out a snarl. "Gabriel!" At the same time, Sam sighed and rolled his eyes. He looked over at his partner and shook his head. "Gabe…"
Another snap returned Dean to the clothes he'd been wearing. Behind him, Spencer could see Castiel's lips twitching with a ghost of a smile. She'd noticed he often was far more amused by Gabriel than he let on to others. She'd caught his tiny little smiles and amused eyes every now and again.
However, whereas Castiel was amused, Dean just looked pissed off and Spencer could see him gearing up to what was probably going to be one impressive temper tantrum. That was the last thing she wanted to sit through right then. With that in mind, she drew her feet off of Sam and turned herself enough to drop them down to the ground. "I'm going to leave you boys to your argument while I go and get dressed. Don't have too much fun."
"I'll come with you." Gabriel said, rising along with her. Her mind immediately went dirty and she felt her cheeks fill with a blush. She wasn't the only one thinking that way, judging by the looks that Dean and Castiel were giving him. Gabriel grinned broadly. Holding up a hand, he waggled his fingers at her. "I meant I could come give you your daily dose of grace. But, I have a feeling your idea would be a whole lot more fun if that blush is anything to go by."
She heard Sam's snicker behind her and didn't hesitate to kick her heel back against his leg. His grunt of pain was rather satisfying.
Unfortunately, now the room was quiet, Gabriel looking almost expectantly at her like he was waiting for her to say something or to start heading out of the room, and the others were watching now too. The more that Spencer was quiet, the more everyone seemed to stare. But this was the moment of truth here. The moment that Spencer had been waiting for since she'd gotten off the phone with Derek. Here was where she would finally let them in on the decision she'd made. She'd just…she'd hoped to have a little more time. A bit of the day in which to relax and just enjoy some time with her new friends and old. Time to let the tension fade out of her frame. She'd made her decision and it wasn't one she was going to go back on. But she'd wanted some time before she would have to fight with everyone for her right to make that decision. This wasn't going to go over well.
There was no more time, though. She wasn't going to get to put this off.
She clutched close the words that Derek had given her earlier and used them now to strengthen herself. She met Gabriel's eyes and saw the building understanding that lit up those golden depths. He knew what was coming. The way that he was looking at her let her know that she was going to have one ally in this, at least. Drawing in a breath, Spencer made herself say the words she wasn't going to be able to take back. "That won't be necessary. I've decided not to fight the spell anymore."
