A/N: Oh, the comments totally made my day. It's great to start a day this way! Thank you!

So, don't want to make you wait any longer. Here you go. Enjoy! :-)


Between stars

09: Blue

John awoke with a very pleasant feeling around his...

Looking down, John found himself facing a gently smiling and slightly blushed Kaidan.

"Hey, there," he whispered, feeling Kaidan's face against his tights. "What are you doing down there?"

"Sorry, I thought this might be a better way to wake you." Kaidan chuckled. Giving his manhood another kiss, he crawled back into John's arms and the warmth of Kaidan's skin was exactly what John needed right now.

"You're so cute, Kaidan," he said, pressing his lips against Kaidan's forehead. "I still can't believe my luck."

"Yeah, me neither." Kaidan's blushed face became even hotter.

John still hadn't figured out yet why Kaidan blushed when they talked about a hot night but had the determination to wake him with a blow-job. Something must be seriously wrong with this guy's brain, though John wasn't complaining.

Waking up with Kaidan in his arms was definitely one of the most beautiful moments in his life. The simple love swelling his chest was so overwhelming, John grinned like a child on its birthday. Remembering what had happened the night before made that grin grow even wider.

"You were pretty impressive," John said and rolled on top of Kaidan, covering the other soldier's face with soft little kisses. "I've never expected that from you."

"Shepard..." Kaidan moaned slightly. "I... yeah, it was... pretty spectacular."

"Your first time?"

"With a man, yes." Kaidan smiled.

"Mine, too," John admitted. "Kaidan, I'm serious about you this time. I never fell for a man before, but you... you're something special."

"Uh, thanks. It's good to hear."

While Kaidan's lips moved along his jaw, John closed his eyes and just let this moment last. He didn't know what exactly made this moment so good, maybe Kaidan's lips, maybe his skin, or maybe it was simply because Kaidan was there.

With the images of the previously night flashing through his mind and the reaction to Kaidan's blow-job attempt, John felt his lust returning. Grinning like a teenager, he considered the chance of fluffy morning sex.

"What are you thinking about right now?" Kaidan whispered at his ear and kissed his shoulder again.

"I think I love you, Kaidan," John blurted out. He cursed himself instantly and hoped he wouldn't scare Kaidan away with this. After the short time they had spent with each other and the even shorter time they were lovers, it was certainly way too soon to confess such strong feelings.

Kaidan only chuckled and made himself comfortable in John's arms. John loved to hold Kaidan. Loved it how Kaidan pressed his face against his chest or shoulder. He wanted to protect Kaidan, to keep him safe. But in times like this, that was a very tall order.

"I know, Shepard," the major said. He shifted in John's arms and faced him with his slightly sheepish smile. "I've had feelings for you for a long time. Since the first Normandy... I still care about you, Shepard. I don't know if it's time to call it love yet, but it's pretty damn close."

"So you won't flee because I said the L-word too soon?" John grinned. He'd never had such feelings before. Not for a woman and not for a man. He liked Miranda, and Liara was dear to him. But Kaidan? "You know, my heart stopped when you got injured on Mars. Then I saw you in the hospital, barely alive. Kaidan, I just can't stand the thought of losing you."

Kaidan sighed and John tightened his grip around his lover.

"Shepard, I think with this war going on, we can't afford to wait any longer. And you won't lose me, I promise." He extended his head and John leaned in to present him with a very deep and long kiss.

He pressed his whole body against Kaidan and for a while, they just laid there, breathing together and kissing each other. How could he be so stupid not to realize this any sooner? Thinking back, John admitted to himself that he'd had feelings for Kaidan for a long time. Maybe even since the days of the SR-1 when he flirted with Kaidan for fun. Or was it Horizon when he felt the sting when Kaidan turned his back on him?

"Shepard, you're okay?" Sliding one leg between his tights, Kaidan's hands moved over his arms. God, John just loved the way Kaidan touched him.

"I was just thinking..." John breathed. "About us."

"Do you regret your decision?"

"No," John said certainly. "Not a bit. With all the misery out there, you're the only thing I look forward to. I'm just thinking of what might happen to us when the war is over."

Kaidan managed a short laugh. His chest quivered slightly when he did that and again, John noticed just how human and vulnerable Kaidan was. Though they were both soldiers tough as Hell, John knew only one bullet could be enough to separate Kaidan from him forever. Thousands of scenarios ran through his head simultaneously and every one of them made his heart clench.

The images of Kaidan being slammed into the Cerberus shuttle flashed back and John bit his lips by the pain he felt inside. His arms closed around Kaidan tightly and he pressed his lips onto Kaidan's, almost hungry, almost desperate.

"Shepard," Kaidan whispered against his breath. "We both signed up for this. We know what's at stake. We don't know how this is going to end, but I'm willing to do anything to end this. Even if it kills me."

"Hey, I died once," Shepard replied, hands moving down to stroke Kaidan's butt, which felt so good in his palms. "You better not do the same to me."

"Is that an order, Commander?" Kaidan teased.

"You bet, Major!"

"What we're doing is fraternization, you know?"

"Hey, I saved the galaxy twice and I'm doing all I can to save it again." He looked deep into Kaidan's brown eyes, trying to ease his worries. "If there's one thing I can demand, and I don't accept a 'no' as answer, then it's a boyfriend."

"Hmm... I admire your determination, Commander."

"And I admire your devotion, Major." John smiled, feeling his lower body react to Kaidan's teasing fingers.

After another kiss, John turned Kaidan around, pressing his erection against the other man. He gently parted Kaidan's cheeks and stroked his entrance with his aroused part. The warmth of that body felt like a haven and at this time, war and all the danger in it seemed to be very far away.

The aroused moan from Kaidan was his permission. Covering his erection with lube, John gently entered his lover, causing an even louder groan from the major.

"Shepard..." Kaidan whispered, throwing his head back, making John kiss his hair.

"Call me 'John'." John offered. And slowly but intensely he moved his hips.

"John... yes..."

Kissing him, embracing him, loving him, John put his heart into the act. This wasn't like the times he joined with Liara or Miranda or Tali where lust dominated all his feelings. In Kaidan's arms, in Kaidan, John could be nothing but a man. Nothing but himself. Not a commander, not a spectre, not even a soldier. Only a lover.

With Kaidan's lips on his own, John felt the waves of love washing over him, encasing him, full-filling him. With hands tight around Kaidan's waist, he joined his body and his soul with Kaidan, knowing that he would never be alone again. When the peak of love took them, John was grateful that Kaidan was the one who carried his essence.

As he opened his eyes, the image has slightly changed. Kaidan wasn't in his arms anymore but sleeping peacefully at his side. Though the man he desired was still there, John felt his chest grow empty of feelings he couldn't describe.

Looking down on himself, he tried to understand what had just happened. His hand was covered with his own load and the calming feeling of Kaidan's skin was long gone. Gasping slightly, John felt close to tears from reason he didn't know. The sensation of loss punched a deep hole in his guts and he cursed his mind for torturing him with dreams and fantasies he could never fulfil.

"Shit." He muttered and left his once warm and welcome bed.

Bending over the sink, John splashed icy water over his face, trying in vain to force his mind to clear. "Dammit, John! What have you done!"

He could he? How could he do this last night? Now as his dream faded, the memory of his union with Kaidan was the only thing could think of. Touching his own lips and John remembered how Kaidan had kissed them last night. When he closed his eyes he could almost see those big, brown eyes glancing up at him, longing for him.

"No!" He shook his head, whispering to himself.

This couldn't be true. Kaidan wasn't the one. Kaidan was seduced by him, but Kaidan did not love him. Not like he did in his dreams. Not like the major did. The longing he saw and the love he felt during their union must have been tricks played by his lonely heart.

"Shit, John!" he muttered under his racing heartbeat. "You played with fire!"

Last night, he only wanted to thank Kaidan for all his support with a friendly dinner. But somehow things got out of control. A curious thought about Kaidan's preferences and a spontaneous impulse had made him start the stupid game. The one hot game which burned him alive. Maybe, he was just too desperate that he jumped his friend? Or maybe something else?

To be honest, this hadn't been the first wet-dream he had about Kaidan. Ever since the evening where Kaidan had told him about his dead friend and John had his first imaginary kiss with Kaidan, he'd been tortured by erotic scenes when he slept. Though he enjoyed it at night, he couldn't live with the guilt he felt during day.

John had blamed his subconscious for this. He was just lonely and wanted someone he could turn to in his weaker moments. But instead of focusing on finding his old lover, he replaced her with the only person he liked to spend time with. Maybe he was even attracted to Kaidan, but it didn't mean he had an excuse for forgetting why he came here in the first place. His heart was still with the major. In his dream, he addressed Kaidan that way and...

"Don't fool yourself, John," he whispered to the person in the mirror. "You like Kaidan, but don't forget that she's the one you want!"

"You know, I'm here to talk if you really want to hear your own voice." Kaidan sounded from the bedroom, his husky voice slightly muffled. "Are you okay?"

When John came out of his bathroom, he was relieved to see that Kaidan had put on some pants. But these tight black boxers weren't any better than a naked Kaidan. Dreamily and totally adorable, Kaidan sat in his bed, looking at him with the same longing look he thought he'd only imagined.

"I'm all right." Avoiding Kaidan's gaze, John moved towards the kitchen. He seriously hoped that he could find something interesting enough to distract him from the beautiful sight of the colonel. He never realized it, but the way Kaidan's brows moved when he frowned was so sensual it was enough to make his heart jump.

Forcing himself to think about something else, John searched his kitchen for coffee. It took him several minutes until he found it, which was just scary because he'd passed the drawer twice already. Finally giving up on not thinking about Kaidan, he sighed, facing the awkward morning after.

Kaidan looked gorgeous in his Alliance Uniform. Blue. Blue suited him so well. He'd seen Kaidan the first time in a set of blue armour and every evening when he needed someone to talk, Kaidan was always there in his blue uniforms. And John could never forget how graceful his biotics flared, turning his eyes into a shape of blue he couldn't describe.

Swallowing hard, John put a cup of coffee on the bar for Kaidan. He supported his arms on the shiny surface and felt the need to hide his shameful face.

"Morning," he choked when Kaidan made his way to him.

"Shepard," Kaidan's voice was low, but too close for John to be comfortable. "Is everything all right? I've never seen you shake like this before."

"Kaidan, I..." John sighed. Where was his badass attitude when he needed it? He'd thrown out so many one-night stands without the tiniest flicker of guilt, now he couldn't even look Kaidan in the eye? "Look, I don't know how to do this. I..."

Kaidan's hands were suddenly on his, warm and comforting. "Hey, it's okay. Just tell me what's going on."

"Kaidan..." Moving his hand away from under Kaidan's, John leaned back. "There is someone I need to find."

"Yeah, you mentioned that yesterday." Kaidan nodded, reminding him what a mistake he made last night.

"Yeah, I did," he sighed.

"So, are you going to tell me who he is or should I start guessing?"

Goddammit! Kaidan still sounded so warm-hearted and so willing to help. How should he start this for god's sake! How should he ask an one-night stand who's also your friend to use his Spectre status and Alliance access to help you find your old lover?

"It's a she actually. I..." John stammered. "I dreamed about her. She's the reason I came here in the first place."

"Do you have a name?" Kaidan asked. "Or a description?"

"No. Neither of both."

"Anything else?"

For a second, John thought about telling Kaidan that she probably had been an Alliance Major. But Kaidan was a by-the-book soldier. If John had been part of the Navy and she'd been a soldier; that would have been fraternization. As an Alliance officer, Kaidan had to report him, and if she was still out there, he might just get her into serious trouble.

"No, nothing." He shook his head.

"Look, you must at least give me something." Kaidan chuckled amused.

"Okay, she was there where we fought the last battle, I think. And she's human. That's all," John sighed. Now, after he'd spoken out what he was willing to share, it seemed almost impossible to find someone with such less information.

"Look, Shepard," Kaidan started again, still trying to help. "This really isn't much. Just tell me all you know. Anything can be useful. Your relation to her. Any involvements. Any scenario. Come on, don't leave me hanging."

"I think, she might have been my wife."

"WHAT?" Kaidan gasped.

"Or my girlfriend. I'm not sure."

"What did you just say?" Kaidan's voice sounded suddenly very tense.

Glancing up, John saw that Kaidan's hands were clenched around his cup so tensely his knuckles turned white. His face was a mask of shock and he turned pale as John watched him. His eyes glared at John and for a moment they sparkled blue.

"Kaidan..."

The colonel turned his face away as if John had slapped him. His gasps quickened and his chest trembled. When Kaidan slowly rose from the stool, he was surrounded by the ghostly glowing of a mass effect field.

"I'm sorry," John said, feeling guilty. "It's... I love her. I still do. And I need her. I never meant to hurt you. But you have to understand this..."

"Really?" Kaidan whispered, stepping back to the apartment door just the same way he did when he interrogated John in the C-Sec cell so many months ago. "Do I?"

"Kaidan..."

"You know, usually people don't just fuck me senseless and then tell me to find their ex-girlfriend the next morning!" Kaidan shouted suddenly.

His voice was hoarse. He sounded so wounded; John couldn't make himself look at him. Kaidan was right. He was being an asshole. But if he had to choose between a friend he learned to appreciate after a few months and the woman he loved and who meant happiness for the rest of his live; his choice wasn't very hard to make.

"I need to find her," John said again.

"Fuck you, John Shepard!" Kaidan snapped.

"Kaidan, we're both adults. We know how this works," John said calmly, watching Kaidan catch his breath.

"Yes, you're right." Kaidan said, nodding, sounding very controlled all the sudden. "I should have known. I was just fooling myself. I..." Kaidan swallowed visibly and then the biotics around him died, exposing John's friend again. When he spoke again, his voice was barely a whisper. "If she can make you happy, I'll find her."

"Thank you," John sighed and felt the relief on his mind. "You're a friend, Kaidan."

"Just save it, Shepard! I'm done with you!" Kaidan hissed, punching his arm on the console on John's front door. "I'll send you the reports, when I've finished."


I know, I'm being mean to Kaidan. Somehow I really like to see him suffer. XD (Sorry to all Kaidan-fans. I'm a huge one too^^)

But don't worry, THIS IS NOT THE END^^

So, you know how to keep me encouraged. XD (psst, leave a comment. :-))

HeavenONFire.