Dear Archer,
I chose Derek.
I chose Derek and I already think I made the wrong decision. I always thought Derek was meant to be with Meredith, but, when I got there, he convinced me of the opposite. I'll tell you the story from the start.
I told both of them that I would be coming to Seattle and not to come meet me at the airport. Of course, they were both waiting for me at the airport. I could see them from the luggage claim that they were right there, side by side, not even looking at each other. There was that symbolical distance between them. They were three feet apart, with that nervous look on their faces as if defying each other to speak first.
When I got off the plane and walked out of the arrival room, Derek ran towards me and gave me a big hug. I could feel his hands hugging my waist and his warmth taking over me. It felt good, Archer. It felt amazing to have his skin pressed against mine once again. "I'm glad you came", he said, kissing me on the cheek. But, when I raised my eyes, and saw Mark standing there. He was smiling. He didn't look jealous or anything, he just looked happy to see me, even if I were wrapped around Derek's arms. "I'm glad I came", I said, gently tapping him on the back as a signal for him to release me.
Afterwards, I went and talked to Mark. Instead of hugging me instantly like Derek did, Mark just looked at me, with a gentle smile on his face and a loving look in his eyes. "Addison." He said, simply. I couldn't do anything but just stand there looking into his eyes. "Mark." I said. We spent about thirty seconds looking at each other, trying to read each other's eyes. Mark's look was like an encrypted message. I didn't know what he wanted to tell me, but I knew it was something I wanted to know. I threw myself in his arms and he wrapped me around his firm grasp. It was the sweetest feeling in the world.
By this time, I wanted to cut my wrists. I couldn't choose, I just couldn't. Mark said: "I'll take you to your hotel." I looked at Derek. "Hotel? You're staying at my place." And Mark and Derek just started a schoolyard fight in the middle of the airport.
"No, if she's not at a Hotel, she's staying at my place!"
"No, you're place is like a whorehouse!"
"Whorehouse? I'm not the one dating Meredith Grey!"
"Neither am I! Not anymore!"
I interrupted. "I'm going to the hospital." They both stared at me. "Alone, in a cab. Meet me there." They finally did what I told them to do and met me at the hospital. I tried to avoid them both as much as I could. Mark offered to take me to the on-call room, Derek offered me to show me around the changes made in the hospital, but I just said I wanted to talk to Callie.
And I did. I went to the Ortho Wing. Callie didn't even know I was going to Seattle, so, of course, she was surprised to see me. She gave me a big hug and said she had a lot of stuff to tell me. We went to the woman's bathroom and I avoided Mark and Derek for another hour.
Truth is: Callie is a lesbian. Yes, Archer, Callie is a lesbian. She's dating a Paediatric Surgeon called Arizona Robbins. I didn't get to meet her, but, just getting the news that one of your best friends is a lesbian is shocking enough. After I talked to Callie, I said I wanted to talk to Richard. And another hour went by.
I stalled them like this for almost six hours. It was already night when I told them I was ready. And I was ready. I had decided to choose Derek. I need stability in my life, Archer. Mark is a lot of fun, but, he is not someone you can rely on! I need someone to always count on. I need someone to catch me if I fall. And Mark won't.
When I went to tell them both, Mark told me Derek had just gotten into a craniotomy. I felt a Déjà Vu hitting me in the face right there. It was three years ago all over again. Archer, I've never felt anything like that before. I could almost see, right in front of me like a movie, me and Mark on the on-call room at NY Med. I cried on Mark's shoulder about not having Derek as much as I wanted and Mark secretly loving me, but being supportive every step of the way.
But, I got the guts to tell him, Archie. I said: "Mark, I'm so sorry." Mark looked down. He knew what I meant by that. He walked away and said: "See? I never stood a chance." It was like a bullet to my heart.
I waited for Derek until midnight. He left the OR and I was sitting alone on the waiting room.
"Where's Mark?" He asked me. I flashed him a smile, silent. "Don't tell me!" He pulled me up and gave me a firm hug. I felt wrapped in cloud of safety and love. He looked into my eyes, nervous, as if waiting for me to say something.
I smiled and he gave me a kiss. It was the most amazing, meaningful kiss I've ever had in my life. We went to his trailer, and I think you know what happened then.
It was one of the best nights of my life, but I can't forget Mark's sad face as he walked away from me. I don't think I ever will.
Please tell me I made the right call!
From your sister,
Addison.
