A/N: I do not own Twilight or any thing else that you might recognize in this story!
Quick thank you to my beta Alley83... You rock! *smooches*
Now... *Stand up on a chair, and does The Carlton* Squeeeeeeee! You guys are awesome! I'm super happy to say my little fic broke 100 reviews! Seriously thank you so much for taking the time to review!
A last side note... I got a couple message's and a review about wanting lemons. I'm not really sure yet if I will add any. Not because I don't love a good lemon, it's just I'm not so confident I could actually pull one off.
-
Bella glared down at the ugly dress before her. She couldn't believe she was supposed to wear this god awful thing out in public! It was green … Not just any green but baby shit green. With ruffles and a giant orange bow on the back!
She sighed, there was a lot of things she would do for those she loved.
Give a kidney? Sure.
Be a shoulder to cry on? You name the place and Bella was there.
Revenge on someone who wronged you? She was your girl.
But this, this was just asking too much! She refused to wear this dress no matter how much she was bugged to do so.
"Esme... You know I love you more than peanut butter loves jelly, but I refuse to wear this dress!"
Esme giggled. She hated the damn dresses as much as Bella did. She had no backbone when it came to Mrs. Cullen. She had taken things way too far, this was supposed to be Esme's day damn it! Really who chooses baby shit green and orange as wedding colors?
Esme sat back and contemplated what to do. She could either suck it up and have a wedding she knew she was going to hate, or she could stand up for herself and tell Carlisle's mom to back the hell off.
"I have an idea B! This will get you out of wearing that hideous dress, also get me out of having to have Tanya in my wedding!"
Bella was all ears. She was up for anything as long as she didn't have to wear that thing, and could avoid Tanya. Although Bella was pretty sure Tanya would be held up for awhile with her midget assassins…
"I have two words for you."
Bella nodded for Esme to continue.
"Las Vegas!" Esme squealed.
Bella looked at Esme blankly. She couldn't believe that Esme had actually suggested Vegas!
"What do you say B? Carlisle, me, you, and maybe that new boyfriend of yours spend a weekend in Vegas?" Esme smiled. The first real smile she had used in awhile.
Two days, one plane ride, and several drinks later:
Bella sat at the blackjack table tapping her fingers slowly, glancing around the room looking for Edward.
Three hours ago somehow Esme and Bella had managed to lose Carlisle and Edward. She wasn't even sure how it happened. One minute they were all standing at the slot machines, the next Carlisle and Edward had just vanished.
Cell phone's were of no use as Bella and Esme had all of the cell phone's safely tucked away. She would never admit she spent a good hour calling his cell phone before she realized the annoying music she kept hearing was actually coming from her purse.
Bella sighed. "Es, what are we going to do now?"
Esme shrugged, too drunk to really care.
"We could just go ba…"
Bella was interrupted by her cell phone. Checking the caller ID she looked confused at the Unknown Caller sigh flashing across her screen.
"Hello?"
"You have a collect call from … Edward Masen. Do you accept the charges? Press 1 for yes, hang up if you do not wish to be charged for this call." Said the automated voice.
Bella frantically pressed 1 over, and over worried something was wrong with Edward.
"Hey Sweetness!" Edward slurred out.
"Jesus! Edward, are you ok? Where are you?"
"At the lovely casino holding cells."
"You're in jail?" Bella screeched.
"Uh-huh." Edward nodded. Totally oblivious that Bella couldn't see his head nod.
"Why are you in jail?"
"Well you see this is what went down. When we were standing at the slot machine Carlisle saw him! We just wanted to look I swear. Then Carlisle decided he wanted to hop on his back and ride him! Giddy-up!" Edward giggled.
Bella interrupted his girlish giggles. "Wait who was Carlisle riding?"
Esme narrowed her eyes.
"Come on Bella! Keep up. Siegfried and Roy's tiger Montecore!"
Bella snorted. "Carlisle thought it would be a good idea to just jump on a TIGER?"
"Uh-huh, but that's now why we got arrested n stuff."
"Ok…" Bella said slowly.
"So after he got off Montecore, the damn thing turned around and snipped at him!"
Bella interrupted again. "Is he alright?"
Edward rolled his eyes, or at least tried to. "Again Bella, keep up! No he's fine! Anyways he snipped Carlisle's belt and button off his pants. Carlisle backed up and his pants fell off… So he bends over right behind the tiger to fix his pants when security shows up."
"…?"
Bella waited…
Edward got distracted by a fly on the wall.
Bella waited…
Edward giggled. Hah! Flies puke when they land.
Bella waited…
Edward gagged, there could be fly puke where he was sitting!
Bella huffed. "EDWARD!"
"What?" Edward replied distractedly.
"You were saying?" Bella said impatiently.
"Oh! Flies puke when they land, did you know that Bella? I bet you didn't, cause really if you did you would never eat outside at a BBQ… Cause flies puked on your food." Edward rambled.
Bella grit her teeth. "What about Carlisle's pants?"
Edward frowned. "Why are you interested in his pants?"
"Jesus Edward! Why the fuck are you in jail!"
"I already told you that!" Edward huffed. "Don't you ever listen to me? Indecent exposure, and apparently bestiality is illegal. Who knew?"
Bella sighed. "That's why Carlisle is in jail. Why are you in jail Edward?"
"I was jealous! He got shiny bracelets and I wanted to wear some also! It wasn't fair so I argued till they let me have some." Edward giggled some more.
Bella groaned. It was a good thing she loved this over-grown man child or she would let his ass rot in jail.
Two hours, several promises to never let Edward, and Carlisle near Montecore again later:
Edward sighed happily as he slammed another shot of Tequila down. "Baby, thanks for springing me from the slammer. I'm way too pretty for jail, and I might drop the soap on accident! I don't want to be someone's bitch!" Edward shuddered.
Carlisle sat in the corner of the booth rocking back and forth mumbling something about "wanting his mommy."
Esme hiccupped. "Hey! Let's go get married now!"
Had they of been sober, they would of quickly realized that getting married while drunk was abso-fuckin-lutely stupid. Drunken logic won out, this would be an awesome idea!
Carlisle and Esme stood in front of a very bad Elvis impersonator and his slew of go-go dancing wedding singers.
Carlisle was still wearing his Montecore shredded jeans, duct tape around his waist to keep them up. Hey don't knock it, duct tape can fix ANYTHING!
Esme had decided to wear one of her bridesmaid dresses. Her thinking was Mrs. Cullen couldn't be mad about this because her dress was still in the wedding. Say it with me now… drunken logic is fuckawesome. Yes!
The ceremony had just started when the doors of the church burst open revealing a very disheveled woman and a camera crew.
Carlisle was too transfixed staring at Elvis in awe to turn around. He couldn't believe he was right here in front of Elvis! He may of squealed just a little.
The disheveled woman began to rant, and scream. "I can't believe you are doing this to me! How could you leave me and our 5 kids? For this tramp? We are still married! How did you expect to marry someone else?"
The camera crew made it to Carlisle before he had a chance to react they shoved a microphone into his face.
"Your on Cheaters very first LIVE edition! What do you have to say for yourself being caught red handed?"
Carlisle burst into tears, repeatedly apologizing for being a shitty husband, and father to his kid's, and how sorry he was that he couldn't quite remember their names. God what kind of dad was he? He couldn't even remember his own kids names! Or his wife's for that matter.
Carlisle looked at Esme totally ignoring the fact that Esme had yanked the god awful orange bow off her dress and was now trying to strangle him with it.
"How can you want to marry me Esme? I'm an awful husband and father." Carlisle wailed.
The camera crew gaped at Carlisle, they had quickly realized they had busted up the wrong wedding.
Disheveled woman was mortified. "Oh shit! You are not my husband!"
"Are you sure?" Carlisle asked.
"Uh… Yes I'm positive."
"How can you be sure?"
"I'm pretty sure I can pick my own husband out in a line up!"
In Carlisle's drunken stupor his verbal filter seemed to of vanished as he took a closer look at the disheveled woman. "Hey! I know you. You are married to Dr. Volturi! Retina?"
"It's Renata…"
"Yes, yes that's what I said Retina." Carlisle nodded, then giggled before whispering. Well in his mind it was whispering in reality it was barely softer then a shout.
"You know you are much prettier than nurse Gianna that your husband is screwing."
One wedding, several missing memories, and a video camera later:
Bella groaned. "Ugh!" She was pretty sure the assassin midgets had left Seattle in order to dance around with tiny hammer's in her head.
From the groaning, moaning, and crying she heard coming from the bathroom, Bella could assume that Edward wasn't doing much better than her this morning.
Rolling over slowly while trying to keep her head under the blanket to avoid the devil sun, Bella felt around for her phone to check what time it was. Noticing that her phone was blinking she decided to see who it was from before she made her way to the bathroom.
Bella's brow furrowed in confusion. Why in the hell would she have a video message sent to her from well herself?
Deciding she couldn't deal with anything until she got some water, Advil, and a fucking toothbrush, Bella headed to the bathroom.
She stumbled into the bathroom mumbled a quite "morning" to Edward before raiding her overnight bag for advil.
"Baby?"
"Hmm?"
"Did we get a cat last night?" Edward asked seriously.
"What the… No we didn't get a cat. Why?"
"Because it smells like a cat crawled into your mouth and shit last night."
Bella glared at Edward, and stomped across the room to get Edward's little travel size toothpaste, ignoring her screaming head.
She squirted the whole tube in her mouth at once and shot Edward a smug smile, that quickly left her face when she started to dry heave, thus losing all her cool points she earned from using all his toothpaste.
Edward burst out laughing, which he instantly regretted. His poor, poor pounding head.
Once Bella had finished her heaving she turned her glare back on Edward again.
"Laugh all you want, at least I'm not the one wearing a fucking tutu!" Bella snapped.
Edward looked down and sure enough he was wearing a hot pink glitter tutu. How he failed to notice before Edward would never know.
Bella ignored Edward and made her way to the bed where she flopped down hoping to rid herself of this stupid hangover.
As soon as she hit the bed Bella yelped. Her ass hurt! No you pervs not form that!
"Edward!" Bella shouted.
Edward came running into the room looking for a fire or anything that would cause Bella to freak out like she was.
Looking around nothing was amiss. Puzzled he looked at Bella. "Yea?"
"What the fuck is on my ass? It hurts and it feels all scabby!" Bella began to panic.
Edward studied Bella's ass before his eyes went wide. "Holy shit! You got a tattoo! Did I do it?"
Bella glared. "How the fuck would I know that Edward? I don't even remember getting one to begin with! What's it of?"
"PropertyofEdwardMasen." Edward said quickly while trying to dodge whatever Bella was going to throw at him when she realized what he had just said.
"Huh?"
Edward sighed. "It says … Property of Edward Masen."
"Get the fuck out, no way."
Edward grabbed Bella's phone, snapped a picture then handed it back to Bella.
Bella looked at the picture for a long time before she burst out laughing. Leave it to her to get a tattoo on her ass during a night of drunken debauchery.
Edward sat dumb struck. That was not what he expected her reaction to be.
"What?" Bella shrugged. "I already knew I was yours Edward."
Edward smiled. He rather liked Bella being branded with his name forever.
"Oh hey! I noticed earlier I sent myself a video message last night. Want to check it out with me?"
Edward nodded and sat down beside Bella to watch the video on her phone.
Video Message:
"Bella and Edward…" Edward started then stopped to look behind him.
"That just sounds weird, can't I just say us?"
Bella came into view "No! Of course you can't. How will we know that we are the us that you are talking about?"
Edward scratched his head trying to understand what the hell she just said. Shrugging his shoulders Edward started again.
"Edward Swan and Bella Masen…"
Bella interrupted. "Hey drunkward you messed our names up! Now how are we supposed to know that we are the us you are talking about earlier if us can't even say our names right?"
Edward was confused.
Bella sighed and grabbed the phone putting it way too close to her face.
"Bella Swan and Edward Masen this is your mission if sober us choose to take the mission."
"That shit is confusing drunkella, and how's come you can say us?"
"Drunkella? Really?"
"What? You called me drunkward first!" Edward argued.
Bella ignored him. "Under the bed you will find a black duffel bag filled with all the items, and instructions you will need to complete this mission."
As Bella pointed to the bag, Edward could be seen in the background wearing a Darth Vader mask while singing Super Freak, and attempting to moonwalk...
"This will be ep…"
Edward grabbed the camera from Bella.
"Luke… I am your fathe…"
Bella smacked Edward upside his head.
"Owe! What did I do?"
"This is serious business Edward! We need to be thorough if we want sober Edward and Bella to do this!"
Edward pouted.
"Now like I was saying… All you need is in the bag, make sure to burn the evidence as soon as your mission is over. Drunken Edward, and drunken Bella would like to remain anonymous, and if asked will deny, deny, deny!"
Edward grabbed the camera back before Bella could stop him, holding it above his head so she couldn't take it away again.
"May the force be with you young sober versions of us. Hah! Look Bella I said us, and you can't reach the phone to stop me! Neener, neener, neener."
The camera zoomed in on a jumping Bella, slightly resembling a Chihuahua on crack.
Bella giggles then promptly kicks Edward's shin.
The video ended there leaving Bella and Edward gaping at the phone.
"Well, on the plus side… At least you didn't have the tutu on yet." Bella stated after several minutes of silence.
Edward ignored her, and pulled a black duffel out from under the bed.
Slowly looking at the contents of the bag Bella had to just pat herself on the back. Drunken Bella and Edward were freaking brilliant! This would be a fucktastic prank of epic proportion.
Four Advil, Three gallons of water, and an elevator ride later:
Bella stuck her ear to the hotel room door listening for signs of life inside. Once she was sure no one was moving around she placed the key in the door, and silently made her way inside with Edward close behind.
Edward made his way across the room and picked Esme up bridle style while placing a hand over her mouth to make sure she didn't scream before taking her out of the room. He would explain things to her once he was safely away from the room.
Bella went about setting up all the props from the duffel bag before heading into the bathroom to put on her special outfit from the bag of fun.
Once she was satisfied with her outfit Bella left the bathroom and gently climbed into bed with Carlisle. Shifting so his arm was draped over her waist.
Two hours, and one small cat nap for Bella later:
Bella knew the moment that Carlisle woke up. His whole body went rigid, then he sprang off the bed.
She laid perfectly still feigning sleep. Until she felt Carlisle cautiously poking her.
Bella grinned and rolled. "Mmmm good morning tiger." Bella purred.
Carlisle resembled a fish with his mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out.
"Cat got your tongue?"
"Bb-Bella?" Carlisle was so very confused.
"Hmm I enjoyed it more when you were screaming my name last night tiger."
Carlisle went to rub his forehead when a sparkling object caught his attention.
"What the fuck is that?" Carlisle shouted.
"It's your wedding ring silly! See they match." Bella squealed while waving her ring finger for Carlisle to see her gold band.
"I don't understand."
Bella made her lip quiver a little. "You don't remember our wedding?"
Carlisle's face lost all color.
"You told me that you had always loved me! We snuck off to the little white chapel and got married." Bella was having a serious problem with keeping a straight face for all of this.
Poor Carlisle looked like he was about to have a stroke.
Bella got out of bed making sure to keep her front facing Carlisle as she backed up.
Carlisle began to hyperventilate, when he saw the front of Bella's tank. In bright red letters across her chest it said "Mrs. Bella Cullen."
Once Bella was positive Carlisle had read her shirt she turned around and bent over to grab the last thing from the bag of fun.
Carlisle felt faint when he noticed the "Carlisle's Wifey" shorts Bella was wearing.
Bella snuck her cell phone out to send a quick text to Edward that it was time for phase 2. Before making her way back to Carlisle.
Ignoring the bed, Bella climbed right into his lap and handed Carlisle a piece of paper. Praying he wouldn't notice it was just a Xerox copy of his real marriage license.
They had copied the license then used white out to change the names then Xeroxed that one. How drunken Bella and Edward had got all of this done was a mystery.
A slight knock at the door and a muffled "Room Service" brought Carlisle out of his near panic attack, that was until an irate Edward, and distraught Esme barged into the room.
Carlisle froze, then quickly jumped up, dropping Bella on the floor in the process.
"I didn't do it! It was all her!" Carlisle shouted while pointing a finger at Bella.
Edward glared.
Esme wailed.
Bella rubbed her poor ass.
"How could you Carlisle? Haven't I always been good to you? Love you unconditionally, put your needs before mine own?"
"Esme .. I.. I…I."
"Did you sleep with her?" Esme whimpered.
Edward started to stalk Carlisle.
"NO! Well… I…" Carlisle had no fucking clue.
"Bella! What have you done?" Edward shouted.
Bella shrank back, thanking god this was all an act.
"ANSWER ME!"
Bella stood up and stomped her foot. "He loves me! There is absolutely nothing you two can do!"
"I do not!" Carlisle argued.
Bella's eye's began to water. "You don't love me?"
Great now he felt like shit for hurting her. "Of course I love you, jus…"
"You LOVE her? For how long Carlisle? Why would you come to Vegas with me to get married, if you are in love with Bella?"
Edward decided it was time to up the ante.
"Bella, bend over the bed NOW! It's time to remind you who owns you!" Edward growled while removing his belt.
Bella's eyebrow shot up in surprise. Domward was kind of hot.
"Tsk tsk my little kitten. Do you remember what happened last time you disobeyed me? In case you forget let me remind you of how you couldn't sit down right for a week. Would you like more lashes this time with my belt kitten?" Edward hissed.
"Now just wait a damn minute! You get away from her." Carlisle said panicked.
Edward winked at Bella before turning on Carlisle. "What I do with my property is none of you fucking business. Unless you want to take her punishment for her?"
Carlisle hadn't thought that far in advance. Jesus what the fuck! He was terrified of Edward right about now.
"Carl-isle." Edward said in a sing song voice.
How the fuck did he end up in this mess? He was a doctor for gods sake!
"Oh Carlisle! I'm waiting, tick-tock tick-tock."
Carlisle was lost in his own mind… What was he going to do now? He was married to Bella, destroyed Esme, and had a very pissed off Edward on his hands. The worst part? He had no fucking clue how this all came to be in the first place.
"Carlisle!"
He never even had the smallest fantasy about Bella. Sure he thought she was beautiful, but he never had eyes for anyone but his Esme.
"CARLISLE."
Startled Carlisle finally looked up. Just in time to see Edward come flying across the room, grab him by his shirt and slam him into the wall.
Carlisle sharted a little.
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't mess that pretty little face of yours up." Edward taunted.
"Because I don't remember?"
Edward couldn't take it anymore he had to end this shit before he died from holding his laughter in.
"Carlisle?"
Carlisle swallowed hard. "What?"
"GOT YA!" Edward shouted before giving in to his need to laugh, shortly followed by Esme and Bella.
Carlisle stared dumbfounded around the room with no idea what the hell had just happened.
"What the fuck?"
Once the laughing trio calmed down, they explained to Carlisle all they had learned from the video message and the contents of the bag of fun.
Digging through the bag one last time Bella found a picture she hadn't noticed before.
Tilting her head and taking a closer look, Bella became very bewildered.
"Is that Joey Greco? From Cheaters?" Bella asked while passing the obvious wedding photo around.
The photo was of Bella, Edward, Carlisle, Esme, Elvis, and Joey Graco?
Esme cocked her head to the side while she studied the picture. She was way too appalled of the dress she was wearing to notice the Cheaters dude.
Edward snorted. "Sure looks like it, why the hell was he there?"
Everyone shrugged.
"What's the last thing you guys remember?" Esme whispered.
"Getting the wonder duo out of jail." Bella glared at Edward.
Carlisle, Edward, and Esme all had a big black hole in their memory after leaving the holding cells.
Bella groaned. "That leaves hours of missing time. What the fucking hell did we do?"
Deciding hangover food was needed in order to process anything the unhappy foursome headed off to their own rooms to get ready for breakfast.
Four showers, Three pots of coffee and a plate of greasy food later:
"So let me see if I got this right. In one night we managed to do all of these things plus who the hell knows what else." Bella stated while scribbling down notes on her napkin.
1 - Carlisle and Edward got arrested.
2 - Esme and Carlisle got married.
2.5 - Had some kind of run in with Cheater's?
3 - Bella, Esme and Carlisle got tattoo's.
4 - Edward realized he had a new love for tutu's.
"Did I miss anything?" Bella's question was met with three sets of shoulders shrugging.
If it wasn't for the magic bag of fun duffel bag they would have had no idea about half the stuff they had done the night before.
"Esme, Carlisle where, and what are you tattoo's of?" Edward was curious.
Esme turned six shades of red. "If you laugh I swear to god I will murder you in your sleep. I have Property of Bella Swan on my ass!" Esme hissed.
Bella snorted.
Edward quirked an eyebrow.
"Carlisle?"
"Mine is on my ass as well…" Carlisle paused, he was stalling.
"And…?"
Carlisle groaned. "I'm someone's bitch!"
Edward choked.
Bella snorted.
Esme giggled.
Carlisle was not amused… At all!
"We should be banned from Vegas. I can't believe this was my idea!" Esme muttered.
Everyone nodded in agreement. They were sure it was a trip they would never forget… If only they could remember everything they did.
One plane ride, and a pact to never speak of this trip again later:
The foursome silently made their way off the plane towards baggage claim. Everyone lost in thought, trying to remember the events of the trip. All seeming to have several gaps of lost time.
After all luggage was claimed and a silent head nod of agreement, this would never be spoken of again. They split off in pairs, heading home.
Little did they know that Cheater's wedding had 3 million hits overnight on youtube, and would be talked about for years to come…
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the little Vegas wedding! Chapter 10 is in the works, but its a special one! I'm not working alone for it! The lovely "NativeVampire" is helping me out with it! Reviews to this chapter get a teaser for Ch. 10!
