10/7/2017

By the way, I haven't read much of the manga at this point, so I don't know what happens after the end of the anime. If I seem to deviate far from the plot, please be patient and don't give me any spoilers. Thanks!


Nine: Panic

Christmas morning, Armin, Mikasa and I opened about half our gifts to each other. Mikasa made pancakes for breakfast, and we were all pretty cheerful. Mikasa was just on standby for the day, so she was planning to hang out with us whenever we had downtime.

We were just finishing breakfast when the landline phone rang. Armin answered it and looked over at me.

"It's your dad," he said quietly.

I sat frozen for a moment, having not expected to get around to calling my father, let alone for him to call me. I snapped out of it and went to the phone. Armin and Mikasa retreated from the kitchen.

"Hello," I said.

"Hello, son. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," I answered automatically.

"Are you working today?"

"Yeah... about to head out. You?"

"Same. Crimes and injuries don't stop for holidays."

"Nope," I agreed. I didn't know what to talk about, so I was feeling a little awkward.

"I guess you three are still living together?"

"Yeah."

"That's good. Got a girl friend yet?"

"Nah. I feel like I'm too busy to date. Maybe if I get promoted or something. But I don't really have anyone in mind."

"Well, there's plenty of time for that."

"Yeah."

There was a silence, and I squirmed. Finally, he said, "I guess I should let you go. I'd like to see you sometime, though. It's been too long."

I wasn't sure how to feel about that. "I know," I heard myself say.

"You can always call me... you have my number, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Well... be safe."

"OK. Have a good day."

"I love you, son. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up, and I felt angry—more angry with myself than with him. True, I was mad that he hadn't been in touch more—the poor communication thing went both ways—but I was mad at myself because I couldn't tell him I loved him. Maybe I had reason to resent him, but the one thing I regretted about my mom (other than not being able to save her life) was that I hadn't told her I loved her. What if I lost my dad, too? I'd hate myself.

The others came back into the room.

"You OK?" Armin asked.

"Yeah," I said in a breathy voice that betrayed how upset I was.

Mikasa came over with a hugging look in her eye, but I shook my head.

"No hugs. We need to get going, and I don't want to show up with red eyes."

They understood and backed off.


The roast isn't ready yet when we get back to the apartment, so Levi says he's going to get a shower in the meantime. My thoughts of the juicy pot roast turn to thoughts of my juicy boy friend and I accidentally let out a little sigh.

"What?" he asks.

"Nothing," I say. "I'll set the table while you're in there."

"Thanks."

I clear a little clutter off the table while I'm at it—I haven't been very good about dealing with the mail in his absence, and ads and bill reminders have piled up. Then I set out paper plates, napkins and silverware and put two ceramic bowls by the crock pot. The smell is getting very enticing and my stomach gurgles a little. I finish up by putting a roll on each of our plates and the butter dish and a knife at the corner of the table where we can both reach it.

When Levi comes back downstairs in fresh clothes and with a dark green towel draped around his shoulders like a cape, I ask, "What do you want to drink?" thinking he looks like a cool drink, himself.

His hair is dripping onto the towel and a strand of it is stuck to his face, running across his cheekbone like a black scar. "Water is fine," he says. "I might have tea afterward."

"I'll heat some water." Once the coffee maker is busy heating water for tea, I open up the crock pot and serve up portions of meat and vegetables for both of us. I carry them to the dining area and set them carefully on the table.

Levi takes my hand for a moment. "Thank you," he says.

I lean over and plant a kiss in his wet hair. "You're welcome," I answer.

He starts eating and sighs contentedly. "This is good."

"Mhm," I say. I don't feel I can take much credit for how good it is—once you learn how to cut stuff up and keep an eye on the clock, cooking with a crock pot is pretty easy. The little extras that make a good meal great—like adding the spices—that's Levi's doing. "Want to read more after supper?"

"All right. Not too late, though."

I nod, knowing we need to get up early in the morning. I guess it kind of sounds like Levi dictates my bedtime and stuff like a parent, but he'd do that even if I were older than him. He's a born leader and I'm... a little irresponsible. I often don't know what's good for me, which is kind of what started our trouble. Sometimes Levi feels the need to tell me what's good for me, and on occasion I disagree with him. Usually we can work it out, but... this time it's been really tough on us.

I tilt my head to the side, pursuing this line of thought. I feel that I'm on the verge of understanding exactly what it was that set him off, but the food seems to be draining everything useful away from my brain and into my stomach. I know it's been right in front of us the whole time, but we can't quite grasp it because it's our problem. To an outsider, it's probably stupidly obvious.

"What is it?"

I blink and slowly look up at him. "Oh... sorry. I was just thinking about something."

After staring at me a moment longer, he says, "Don't apologize for thinking" and goes back to eating.

I sniff. Levi likes to tease me about not being too bright. I'm torn between being miffed about it and being happy that he feels normal enough to do it. In the end, I just shake my head.


We were called to the scene of a shooting shortly after we got to the station. Even Erwin came out for this one, because the firefight was in a residential area and seemed likely to go on for a while. SWAT was called in, too, so I saw Mikasa there at the edge of things and I went to stand beside her for our final briefing.

"They will have heard the sirens," Erwin told us, "but that hasn't stopped them, so I'd say they're not going to be easily intimidated. I'm going to try to talk to them, but I doubt they'll catch much between the shots."

Even as he spoke, we could hear gunfire and the occasional shout from the next street over.

"Regular police need to stay behind the Swat shields as much as possible," Erwin went on. "I know there are civilians in the area, but you won't help them by getting yourselves killed."

I didn't like following behind Mikasa's team, but I knew it made sense. As predicted, no one paid much attention to Erwin announcing our presence through a bullhorn. We crept up the street toward the mayhem beyond.

To make a long story short, the gangs seemed almost to ignore us until we were well into the war zone; then they closed in behind us. We figured out too late that while the gangs were indeed fighting each other, they had agreed beforehand to ambush us once they got the opportunity to cut off our escape route. It was a weird cooperation of enemies against their mutual enemy, and a good move, considering none of us expected it, not even Armin.

The SWAT shields weren't enough to protect all of us from all sides, so they fanned out in two lines, forming something like a World War One trench for us to shoot out of. From the sides, we were pretty wide open, though. Everyone had their weapons drawn, and most were firing them, though the gangs had better cover in and around the surrounding buildings. Bullets were raining down on us.

I looked to Levi and saw that he wasn't panicking. He wasn't shooting wildly, as some of the rookies were. He was calmly picking a target and eliminating it, picking another and doing the same. He was looking for the hard-to-spot gunmen, knowing the less experienced officers would be aiming for the ones they could see most readily.

Following his example, I stayed close to the line of SWAT and searched for lurking snipers. I successfully brought down a target and then spotted a second. I didn't have a clear shot at him—all I could see was the barrel of his rifle in a second-story window. I followed its aim and found to my dismay that it moved when Levi did.

Levi was crouching to take aim at someone running for better cover. He was slowly swinging his gun around, following the runner's progress. The gun in the window had frozen. Any second, the gunman would fire.

I thought of shouting, but my voice would probably be overpowered by the shots around me. I realized that even if he heard me, Levi had learned to shut everything out when he was concentrating, even the cries of his subordinates when necessary. He wouldn't give me his attention until he was ready, and then it would be too late. A sickening bubble of panic was forming fast in my stomach, and it burst out as a blood-curdling scream.

It was like the world had suddenly gone into slow motion and I could see the sound leaving my mouth. I could see it float over to Levi, see him start to respond. He abandoned his aim and started to turn toward me, his gaze passing over the buildings opposite us. His eyes passed over the sniper in the window and moved on a little further before his brain processed the danger. He didn't look back at it, but just dropped suddenly, as if all the bones in his limbs were broken.

There were still so many shots in the air, I couldn't tell if the sniper had fired or not. But then time resumed its normal pace and Levi was up again, aiming for the window he'd spotted a moment before. I saw the rifle barrel jerk violently, and I was certain that Levi's bullet had found its mark. It was an impressive shot to make with a handgun, but I didn't have time to reflect on that before I saw Mikasa gasping on the ground.

I crawled over to her. "Mikasa! Are you OK? Where are you hurt?"

She just shook her head. She couldn't seem to get much air in her lungs, and I didn't know how to help her. I dragged her between two parked cars by the sidewalk, and by the time we got there, the shots were dying away. Reinforcements had arrived. We were going to survive this.


We brush our teeth and then I decide to take a shower before bed. I wouldn't feel like I need one, except that Levi just took one, so I feel kind of dirty by comparison.

I try to relax under the hot water for a minute or two and then give myself a quick scrubbing-over. Then I cut the water and squeeze most of the moisture out of my hair. I want to hurry, so I climb out of the shower right away and grab a towel, trying to dry off fast. I'm shivering as I pull on my pajamas, and it hasn't let up by the time I crawl into bed beside Levi. My teeth chatter a little.

"Cold?"

"Mhm." I pull the covers up to my chin and scoot over closer to Levi. "Warm me up?"

I'm afraid he's just going to sit there and not move, but finally he puts an arm around me and I snuggle into his side.

"Thanks. You're nice and warm." Even though I'm cold, it feels good to be clean, and it's nice to smell Levi's fresh, just-showered smell, too. I affectionately put my arm around him and start petting him through his T-shirt.

After a few seconds of that, Levi puts his hand on top of mine, effectively stopping it from moving. There's an uneasy tightness in my chest. I can't tell if he's really trying to shut me down, or if he's teasing me. I squirm around and kiss his neck slowly.

"Eren."

"Hm?" I hold my breath.

He's silent again for quite a while. Finally, "I don't think this is a good idea."

Panic is welling up inside me again. I pull away, angry at myself for ruining things when they were going well. "Sorry," I say in a low voice.

"Don't be sorry... you didn't do anything wrong," he says. "It just isn't the best time. I think we should at least wait until we've seen Erwin again. You may feel differently after that."

I think he's wrong, but my mood is definitely killed and not able to be resuscitated, so I'm not about to protest much. "OK... but will you still hold me?"

"If you want me to."

"Well... I don't want you to if you don't want to." It sounds a little silly, but I have to be sure. The thought of Levi holding me just to humor me makes me feel a little sick.

He pulls me close to him again. "I'll always want to," he says softly.

And suddenly my panic is gone again.


Thanks again for reading. Sorry if there are errors; I wrote half of this in the wee hours of the morning. Don't forget to Follow, favorite and comment!